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Aired at 02:00 PM on Tuesday, Mar 23, 2010 (3/23/2010)      View all transcripts from this day

Transcript

00:00:02This one's a real catch.
00:00:06We're gonna take you in a different direction.
00:00:10So don't be left out in the cold.
00:00:13[ Barks ] [ screeches ] come on in and see what we bring to the table.
00:00:18Aah!
00:00:20Tonight on "afv's" halloween show.
00:00:24And now, the host who's so good it's scary, tom bergeron!
00:00:30[ Cheers and applause ] thank you!
00:00:40Welcome!
00:00:41Welcome to you at home to "afv," the halloween episode.
00:00:44You know, halloween was really one day of the year I was allowed to do everything my parents told me not to do -- ..
00:00:55[ Laughter ] not only could I talk to strangers, I could take candy from them.
00:01:02It's the greatest of all pagan rituals.
00:01:05Here's how to make one piece of candy last all night.
00:01:09[ Cackles ] aah! aaahh!
00:01:20Man: Now you know how a turtle feels.
00:01:22[ Woman laughs ] let me ask you, are the other kids really gonna recognize a marlon brando costume?
00:01:43Blah-la-la-la-la-la!
00:01:45Blah-la-la-la-la-la- la-la-la-la-la!
00:01:47Woman: [ snap ] you're a cowgirl. you're a cute cowgirl.
00:01:54Bergeron: Why just give the kids candy when you can give them candy and a terrifying nightmare?
00:02:01Aaahh!
00:02:14[ Belches ] I guess stead of lamaze, they're just gonna scoop her out.
00:02:27He's defeated the penguin and the catwoman.
00:02:30Can he stand up to the wiener dog?
00:02:34[ Barks ] [ whining ] here's a pumpkin that throws itself away.
00:02:51This is what you call gallows humor.
00:02:53Hah!
00:02:54 [ laughs ] aah!
00:03:02Aaahh!
00:03:08Aah!
00:03:10Aaahh!
00:03:11[ Cheers and applause ] the older I get, the less I tend to plan things.
00:03:22That's because the older I get, the more I forget what I planned in the first place.
00:03:29Here are some people.
00:03:30The only part of their plan that worked was getting on our show.
00:03:35[ Hums "happy birthday" ] let's get away from halloween for a moment.
00:03:39After all, there are 364 other days to celebrate.
00:03:43Aah!
00:03:45♪ And many more ♪
00:03:48[ laughter ] I don't know why you'd want to be the best in the world at ..
00:04:03...But I can certainly understand why you wouldn't want to be the second best.
00:04:18Oh, excuse me.
00:04:18I said I wanted my steak on aplatter.
00:04:28Rather than a long lecture on the birds and the bees, mom just sent sarah out to the birth simulator.
00:04:42Ted's not the sharpest tool in the shed.
00:04:45In fact, he's not even allowed in.
00:05:00 [ giggles ] odie can't decide if he wants to go in or stay out.
00:05:06You know what he needs?
00:05:08A doggy door.
00:05:15[ Cheers and applause ] there's something about having a squirrel in your yard that makes you feel good.
00:05:26For a lot of us, it's the closest we get to actual nature, and yet what can be so cute frolicking in the backyard has a whole different flavor when it ends up onyourside of the window.
00:05:39Woman: Wait till dad's here.
00:05:42Is dad coming in right now?
00:05:44He won't be gone very long.
00:05:45Yeah, when you lifted it up, you could see the bushy tail.
00:05:50This is just ridicu-- oh, there he is!
00:05:53Aah! aah!
00:05:56Otis, get him! get him, otis, get him!
00:05:59Get him! otis! otis!
00:06:00Over here! over here!
00:06:02Open the door so he'll go out.
00:06:04 [ shrieks ] otis.
00:06:12Aah!
00:06:14[ Laughs ] jeff, something's gonna get broke!
00:06:22..
00:06:27Jeff, jeff, something's gonna get broke.
00:06:31Okay, that's enough.
00:06:33Jeff: No, no, I'll catch him.
00:06:35Oh! dad's picture. dad's picture.
00:06:39Dad's picture.
00:06:40Jeff, he'll bite you. don't let him bite.
00:06:43I won't.
00:06:48I'm only in the door, jeff.
00:06:52Jeff, he went upstairs now!
00:06:54He's been upstairs before.
00:06:59Aah!
00:07:01Aah!
00:07:02Otis, keep him away from the door!
00:07:05 [ laughs ] [ cheers and applause ] hi, jay bush and duke here to introduce ...whoa...
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00:07:49 but I want people to think I'm a great cook.
00:07:53So hide.
00:07:53Delicious! can I have your recipe?
00:07:56Your secret is safe with me.
00:07:59..
00:08:00New bush's black bean fiesta.
00:08:01And try new texas ranchero, along with our other grillin' beans flavors.
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00:09:54[ Cheers and applause ] every parent's proud of their children.
00:10:02As the father of two future nobel prize-winning supermodels, I can relate, but some parents go overboard.
00:10:08 he breathed through his nose.
00:10:12He's so smart.
00:10:13Well, not everything your kids do is momentous, but that doesn't mean you can't brag abouthem.
00:10:21You know his handicap? he wears a diaper.
00:10:29He'd yell "fore," but he can't count that high.
00:10:39Woman: Hi, lacey!
00:10:40There. that's all I want for christmas.
00:10:46Like baby, like daddy.
00:10:50Oh, how sweet.
00:10:53The mackenzies have lived in this neighborhood for five years, and cindy has yet to make it to the top of this hill.
00:11:09Man: Hey, jordan. you ready to go?
00:11:12Yep.
00:11:12Aw, you' not gonna believe what just happened.
00:11:15What?
00:11:16A bird pooped on our windshield.
00:11:19Oh, my god.
00:11:20 will you clean it up for me?
00:11:24Okay.
00:11:25There's a napkin.
00:11:34No! not like that.
00:11:35 you gotta dab it up.
00:11:40It's too late now. I'll get it.
00:11:44That's all right.
00:11:45No! it's bird poop, jordan. just wait.
00:11:49[ Muffled ] ...DARED ME.
00:11:51Who dared you?
00:11:55You know, when they ordered the boy, they thought he'd come in a crate.
00:12:02I about got it. come on, get outta there.
00:12:10Hold on, now.
00:12:12[ Grunting ] you okay?
00:12:16Uh-huh.
00:12:17Woman: How about that?
00:12:19..
00:12:21You really should see the -- see the -- they brought him in and took -- or we saw him in the nursery, and they had his diaper off.
00:12:30He's got the biggest [bleep] you ever saw.
00:12:34They're just voluptuous.
00:12:38 I shouldn't say that.
00:12:42[ Cheers and applause ] oh, yeah.
00:12:48This is gonna sound like I'm making it up.
00:12:50I swear to you I'm not.
00:12:52This year marks the 75th anniversary of the invention of television by a man named philo t. farnsworth.
00:12:58It also marks the 75th anniversary of the first joke making fun of philo t. farnsworth.
00:13:05To commemorate both these anniversaries and to inspire future farnsworths, we dedicate the following.
00:13:12Did you know the raccoon's the master of the double take?
00:13:37I'll admit it's heartwarming to see her cutting her son's hair in a "hollywood squares" pattern.
00:13:46I'll take the left ear to block.
00:13:50[ Laughs ] Man: Here we go.
00:14:00He's getting nervous 'cause we're about to try the bouncy flip.
00:14:04All right, you ready for it?
00:14:06We're gonna try the bouncy flip.
00:14:09All right, he's all ready.
00:14:10I'm gonna set the camera here so everybody can see.
00:14:13See the flip.
00:14:14Don't worry, folks, it's not what you think.
00:14:17They used a stunt baby.
00:14:19...One!
00:14:19Hey, there he goes. let's go see how he did.
00:14:23How was it?
00:14:24It was fake.
00:14:25How was it? did you like your flip?
00:14:32All right, that's it, you two.
00:14:34Visiting hours are over.
00:14:36[ Barks ] [ screeches ] ..oline." [ barking ] powell!
00:14:54Oohhh! oh-ho!
00:14:56Let's play alligator.
00:14:59Let's do what?
00:15:00Let's play alligator.
00:15:01How do you play alligator?
00:15:03Aaahh! aah!
00:15:13Whoa!
00:15:15Mama!
00:15:20[ High-pitched voice ] HI, I'M HIS FATHER.
00:15:23There's a big difference between the professional wrestling you see on tv and actual competitive wrestling.
00:15:30I learned this the hard way when I showed up for my high school tryouts in a gold cape and a spider-man mask.
00:15:35Well, this next kid is smarter than that.
00:15:37He knows wrestling, and, more important, he knows how to avoid it.
00:15:42[ Whistle blows ] Man: Get him! get him! get him!
00:16:28[ Cheers and applause ] i-i just -- now, this is just me, but I would not try to pin somebody walking like this 'cause it looks like they should be in another room altogether.
00:16:43Now, we are excited tonight 'cause we have a moby song to play for you.
00:16:46You may know he's in a bit of a feud with eminem.
00:16:49Em, if you're watching, and I'm sure you are, we're not taking sides here.
00:16:54Moby's agent just got back to us quicker.
00:16:57[ Moby's "bodyrock" plays ] okay, folks, you've only got you can really sinkyour teeth into, as long as you don't use your hands.
00:18:34Just figure out a funny or clever way to sca to scarf down some chow and get it on tape, and don't forget, we're comingback with a new season, so send those tapes to beeligible to win $10,000 or even $100,000.
00:18:44..
00:18:51And for full contest rules, JUST LOG ON TO abc.com, KEYWORD "AFV," Or write this address.
00:18:56Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go figure out a way to eat my dinner.
00:18:59Oh, boy, this isn't gonna be pretty.
00:19:16Owww!
00:19:17...you can watch "AFV".
00:19:20And now you can watch it five times a week.
00:19:23Join Tom Bergeron for all the fun and surprises...
00:19:27Yes!
00:19:27on "America's Funniest Home Videos".
00:19:29- [horse neighs] - Aah!
00:20:07@ @ @ @ @ óóóóóCóCóoO?OçC> ..
00:20:38honey It's delicious. delicious.
00:20:40I know.
00:20:40.. can't have about half a pday's worth of fiber?
00:20:43I assure you it does.
00:20:45.. expecting sawdust and cardboard?
00:20:48I know.
00:20:49.. only taste the crunchy clusters, honey, and brown sugar.
00:20:54No madam, I don't have esp.
00:20:56Ok.
00:20:57I'll take a box, but you probably already knew that.
00:21:02(announcer) FIBER ONE.
00:21:02Cardboard no. delicious yes.
00:21:37[ Cheers and applause ] I know it's halloween, but the whole notion of trick-or-treat has always seemed a little weird when you really sort of dissect it.
00:21:50You approach a stranger, demand they give you something.
00:21:53If they don't, you vandalize their property.
00:21:56Isn't that the philosophy behind organized crime?
00:22:00Halloween is just extortion fueled by candy.
00:22:06I like his costume. he went as a boy.
00:22:11Trick-or-treat.
00:22:13[ Growls ] aah!
00:22:19Guests of the "afv" halloween show fly wicked witch airlines.
00:22:24If you don't use your frequent flyer miles, they burn them at the stake.
00:22:37Oh, look, the dog's going as a baby this year.
00:22:50Say what you want.
00:22:52The kids don't give any lip to this babysitter.
00:23:01Every halloween, the hendersons harness up the baby and let the good times roll.
00:23:11Look. look at yourself.
00:23:14Look.
00:23:17[ Cries ] quick, put a happy spell on yourself.
00:23:23You're being a witch, honey.
00:23:26You're being a witch.
00:23:29No, you riddle me this.
00:23:33Ooh, right in the little joker.
00:23:48Every so often, I'll notice that one member of the audience or another seems a little distracted, seems a little preoccupied.
00:23:54They might not be enjoying the show as much as they should otherwise, and you looked that way at first, and I was asking if you were ticklish, and you said, what?
00:24:03You said yes, you are.
00:24:05So let's watch her enjoy the show much more right now.
00:24:09No! no! no!
00:24:12[ Laughs ] no, no!
00:24:16She'll like this, too.
00:24:24She's headed for the summer games, and on her way, she can drop her friend at the hospital.
00:24:37They're called shoulder blades, but they can also be used as a blunt instrument.
00:24:48[ Rhythmic slapping ] there are lyrics to this song.
00:25:00..
00:25:01Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
00:25:23Poor little guy.
00:25:24His wheel's been in the shop for a month.
00:25:31When he was told dinner was on the house, bob could hardly contain his glee.
00:25:41♪ See thee more clearly ♪
00:25:44♪ love thee more dearly ♪
00:25:45Bergeron: You've heard of destiny's child.
00:25:49This is destiny's mother.
00:25:51♪ Day by day ♪
00:25:55♪ day by day ♪
00:25:59[ music stops ] ♪ day by day ♪
00:26:02.. ♪
00:26:05[ music resumes ] ♪ these things I pray ♪
00:26:08♪ to see thee more clearly ♪
00:26:12♪ove thee more dearly ♪
00:26:15[ cheers and applause ] I'm not sure who came up with it, but I have never understood the term "mother " what mother would wipe out a trailer park with a tornado, dump 30 inches of snow on her kids?
00:26:31That sounds more like "crazy uncle" nature or "evil stepmother" nature.
00:26:36Whoever it is, here they are hard at work.
00:26:41How about checking for the newspaper?
00:26:44Man: Okay.
00:26:45They say no man is an island, but this couple is.
00:26:49I can do that.
00:26:52 looks like the paper's gonna be wet this morning.
00:26:56Dang! we must've had some rain last night.
00:27:01Here's proof that god hates potty humor.
00:27:06Boy: Dad, look. dad!
00:27:08Dad, look. watch me fart.
00:27:12[ Imitates farting ] [ thunder crashes ] [ all screaming ] I saw lightning!
00:27:21I saw lightning!
00:27:23Towel, towel, towel, sock, sock, underwear, ..
00:27:33Frog.
00:27:35Oh, sure -- street shoes aren't allowed on the basketball court, but this is just fine.
00:27:45Imagine how much fun they could have on a nice day.
00:27:56Woman: What's on your behind -- backside?
00:27:59Call her to you, debbie.
00:28:01Debbie: Come on. come here, dolly.
00:28:03[ Laughs ] oh, they had him fixed. it just didn't take.
00:28:08♪ Jingle bells ♪
00:28:10♪ jingle all the way ♪
00:28:17all right. okay.
00:28:19Picture this -- it's your wedding day.
00:28:21The sun is shining. the sky is blue.
00:28:24The weather's perfect. you got it? good.
00:28:27Now forget everything I just said.
00:28:29Here's a wedding day that was nothing like that.
00:28:32It's not gonna be natural.
00:28:34[ Thunder crashes ] I understand your wedding day can be nerve-racking, but I think this bride is a little tightly wrapped.
00:28:49Maybe she just wants to stay fresh for the honeymoon.
00:28:58My dress is coming down.
00:29:01In lieu of rice, the wedding party should throw sponges.
00:29:08Let the party begin.
00:29:18Coming up -- a case of puppy love.
00:29:21[ Laughter ] and find out what forbidden video lurks inside the naughty file, when "afv" returns.
00:29:34♪ ♪
00:29:40♪ ♪
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00:32:07funniest videos" [ cheers and applause ] as you watch these next clips, see if you can hear the secret messages embedded in the audio.
00:34:30And then if you do, call a good shrink, because there aren't any secret messages embedded in the audio.
00:34:37Trying to find a new boy band -- you really have to shake the trees.
00:34:45[ Laughing ] the latest status symbol -- lawn carpeting.
00:34:56But have it installed by a professional.
00:35:01Man: Whoa!
00:35:06Woman:!
00:35:08I wantommy to read it.
00:35:10Most kids love to see grandma on their birthday, but not cindy.
00:35:15She can be bought off.
00:35:25Whatever you do, try to keep your dog from borrowing money from the mob.
00:35:38Skiers are always complaining about snowboarders.
00:35:41Now they have one less to complain about.
00:35:50Ugh!
00:35:51..
00:35:54Not this one.
00:35:56Woman: Up. good job.
00:36:04I am usually not a big proponent of toilet humor.
00:36:07I've always thought we should aim for something a little higher.
00:36:11But as it turns out, I'm wrong.
00:36:13We're right where we should be -- at flushing level.
00:36:16Enjoy thiscannedlaughter.
00:36:19Woman: Kyle, what did you do to the toilet?
00:36:22Did you put pooh in the toilet?
00:36:25Uh-huh.
00:36:27Uh-huh?
00:36:28You know, pooh's stuck in the toilet now.
00:36:31Daddy has to fix it.
00:36:44There's tigger.
00:36:53Oh, man!
00:36:54There's pooh in the toilet!
00:36:57Ew!
00:36:59[ Shouting indistinctly ] it's too gruesome!
00:37:03..
00:37:06Here at "afv," we have come up with a multitude of categories for the judgment challenge -- a goofball glossary, if you will.
00:37:15These next people are listed under the letter " just before the bozos come the blockheads.
00:37:23A lot of guys have hoop dreams.
00:37:25Here's one starting right now.
00:37:28[ Man laughing ] the only way to eliminate employee theft is to eliminate employees.
00:37:43Everyone in this village is usually versupportive, but today they all came out to see bobby fail.
00:37:56I was always locking myself out of my apartment, until I got the new forklift 2000.
00:38:08[ Indistinct shouting ] summer camp's a great place to meet new friends -- hopefully ones who know cpr.
00:38:23They say the french space program is one of the best in the world.
00:38:28I think it's overrated.
00:38:31Aah! aah!
00:38:38Halloween -- it's different for everybody.
00:38:41For kids, it's a night to act crazy and have fun.
00:38:44For adults, it's an evening of constant interruptions by door-to-door beggars.
00:38:49For animals -- I'm not sure what they're thinking, except maybe, "take this stupid costume off " ..5 outfits.
00:39:11After "men in black ii," frank's career really plummeted.
00:39:21[ Bleating ] eventually, they'll have to take the costume off the goat when it fills up with cheese.
00:39:32Man: Get him, dinosaur.
00:39:34Man: He's not getting anything.
00:39:38Guess which 2 aren't fake.
00:39:41[ Woman shouting indistinctly ] [ laughter ] [ growls ] what's that old saying?
00:39:56Candy is dandy, but if you touch mine, you'll pull back a bloody stump.
00:40:01[ Growls ] give me that.
00:40:08So this is the african killer bee everyone's worried about.
00:40:21[ Girl laughing ] it's a weimar raptor.
00:40:26Man: Come here, buddy.
00:40:29[ Laughs ] [ roars ] come here, buddy.
00:40:38All right, this next assignment, america, is not for you humans, so you can get a snack now.
00:40:45It is for your pets.
00:40:46Dogs, cats, birds, budgies, listen up.
00:40:48Do you do any silly tricks -- ride a bicycle, use a hula-hoop, shoot pool?
00:40:53We want to see these silly pet tricks.
00:40:56Have your human tape you, and your furry or feathered little face could be adored by millions.
00:41:03Jess, tell them more.
00:41:04All right, folks, you know what to do.
00:41:06If your pet has any special talents, get out your camera and get them on tape.
00:41:10You could win yourself some dough.
00:41:11 maybe your pet will be discovered and become the next 4-legged superstar.
00:41:15But it won't happen unless you get off your duff, get your pet off its duff, and start videotaping that gold.
00:41:21..
00:41:27AND, FOR FULL CONTEST RULES, LOG ON TO abc.com Or write this address.
00:41:32There are already a t of critters in hollywood.
00:41:34Why not add yours to the list?
00:41:36Maybe it'll even getits own trailer.
00:41:41ébñ@ versatilityof ..
00:42:00.. excuse me, I got to get my kids, soon.
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00:42:28Mine too.
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00:42:37Neosporin®.
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00:42:42♪ ♪
00:42:43[ sniffs ] Morning.
00:42:45You got in pretty late last night.
00:42:47Dad, I'm not sixteen anymore.
00:42:50Still, it was late.
00:42:52..
00:42:53You're not gonna have to worry about that anymore.
00:42:55Yeah, why's that?
00:42:57♪ ♪
00:43:00todd's a lucky man.
00:43:01♪ The best part .. ♪
00:43:04that's what I told him when we talked last week.
00:43:07..Is folgers in your cup ♪
00:43:12.. ♪
00:43:13..when you need something strong ♪
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00:43:21.. ♪
00:43:24.. ♪
00:43:26.. ♪
00:43:29 brawny now comes with a money-back guarantee.
00:43:32When you want a paper towel that can do it all lean on me.
00:43:35.. ♪
00:43:38brawny man avo:brawny never lets you down.
00:43:42Can you believe how fast kids grow these days?
00:43:43And since 90% of bone strength is developed ..
00:43:47It's so important that they get enough calcium every day.
00:43:50That's why there's new danonino.
00:43:52Danonino!
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00:44:06For stronger bodies tomorrow.
00:44:07New danonino from dannon.
00:44:09Power packed to help kids grow.
00:46:55Owww!
00:46:56...you can watch "AFV".
00:46:58And now you can watch it five times a week.
00:47:01Join Tom Bergeron for all the fun and surprises...
00:47:05Yes!
00:47:05on "America's Funniest Home Videos".
00:47:07- [horse neighs] - Aah!
00:47:19I happen to believe that everybody has a mean streak in them somewhere.
00:47:23I don't care who they are.
00:47:24I'm sure occasionally on halloween, mother teresa felt like holding candy above her head, making the kids jump for it.
00:47:30But, you know, she probably didn't act on it.
00:47:33Having a mean streak doesn't make you a bad person.
00:47:35It's when you get proactive with it, that's the problem.
00:47:39Looks like chris woke up on the wrong side of the rail this morning.
00:47:44Chris!
00:47:46[ Laughs ] among its other dangers, smoking can cause heart attacks.
00:48:01Aaahhh! aaahhh!
00:48:10This is the least popular book in the series -- " aah! aah! aah!
00:48:25Woman: There's a little baby bird.
00:48:28I predict birds of a feather will attack trevor.
00:48:33Ooh, there's the mama. there's the mama bird.
00:48:41Woman: Can I have a before-and-after, please?
00:48:45Ooh!
00:48:48 I just wondered -- [ laughs ] I can't believe -- okay.
00:49:01 give me the recipe, please.
00:49:05Here, you want a close-up?
00:49:07I can't -- you got stuff on the camera.
00:49:12! my privacy! seriously!
00:49:15Come on! come on! get out! out!
00:49:17You look beautiful now, even now -- before.
00:49:20[ Cheers and applause ] I'm aware that some of you may look at me and think I have a pretty easy gig.
00:49:27The truth is, what I do is very demanding.
00:49:30In fact, it's the toughest hour I have all week, except for my massage.
00:49:35[ Laughter ] well, that's 2 hours.
00:49:37So watch these and remember -- we're all in this together.
00:49:42You ready?
00:49:43Are you ready?
00:49:45One for the money, two for the show, ..
00:49:51Y care.
00:49:53Four to go!
00:50:04Who says it's good to have a skinny ass?
00:50:18I don't know why we bring bill on the boat.
00:50:22Every time he's such a jerk.
00:50:35..
00:50:40And counting.
00:50:45Aah! aah!
00:50:47" close the curtains. lock the doors.
00:51:07The squeamish should look away.
00:51:09It's time for the naughty file.
00:51:12Hey, look, he's got a taillight out.
00:51:20Man: [ laughs ] you don't want him to turn around.
00:51:26You know what I'm saying?
00:51:28[ Laughs ] I am very proud of tonight's show, and you know why?
00:51:40We have made it through the entire halloween episode
00:00:01Joe riggs in the white trunks.
00:00:04Just getting started here on spike.
00:00:09>> He is in trouble.
00:00:11He got it!
00:00:12>> It's all over!
00:00:12>> He got hurt with that head kick and then caught with that guillotine!
00:00:16>> Finishes it with the guillotine!
00:00:18Mike "quick" swick wins by submission.
00:00:21>> Wow!
00:00:22Beautiful head kick.
00:00:23Transitioned right to an excellent submission.
00:00:27Taps him with the guillotine.
00:00:28>> You saw riggs wobble from the head kick and take a desperation double-leg shot.
00:00:32Stuffed by swick, and he goes right to the guillotine.
00:00:35>> Let's take a look at the replay here.
00:00:39Here's the head kick -- bang!
00:00:41You could see "diesel" wobbled there.
00:00:44Thinks about it for a second, decides to try to take him down.
00:00:49Immediately goes to take him down.
00:00:51Mike swick catches him with that guillotine.
00:00:54The same technique he used to finish his last fight.
00:00:56I believe he will call it the swick-otine.
00:00:59[ Laughter ] >> and it did not take long.
00:01:03So mike swick once again lives up to his moniker.
00:01:07Bruce buffer.
00:01:09>> Ladies and gentlemen, referee mario yamasaki has called a stop 19 of the first round for the winner by tap-out due to a guillotine choke, mike "quick" swick!
00:01:24>> So he does it again, this time with a submission win by guillotine choke.
00:01:29Mike swick defeats joe riggs in the first round.
00:01:32Coming up later on spike, the heavyweights collide.
00:01:36It's brandon "the truth" vera taking on assuerio silva.
00:01:40Then, in our main event of the pierre penn back to the octagon.
00:01:46But coming up next, at 170 pounds, it's the russian, ansar chalangov, against josh koscheck.
00:01:53This is "ufc unleashed" on spike tv.
00:00:01(crowd cheering) (man) TRY IT AGAIN.
00:00:15(woman) OH, OH, OH, OH!
00:00:18(all cheering) Good job.
00:00:24Here, try it again. try it again.
00:00:27A little pool champ.
00:00:29(cheering) Chalk up another one for minnesota baby fats.
00:00:38(cheering) ..
00:00:44Until he hustles you for 500 bucks.
00:00:48Try it again.
00:00:50(all) OHH!
00:00:51(cheers and applause) Whoo! do one more. do it again.
00:00:58Do it again, do it again.
00:01:01(laughter) (cheering) ♪♪♪♪
00:01:08a lot of little kids express frustration by hitting.
00:01:11Now if you haven't experienced this and you want to be ready in case it happens to you, take a look at these kids.
00:01:18(The Seeds' "Pushin' Too Hard" playing) ♪♪ You're pushin' too hard, a-pushin' on me ♪♪
00:01:23♪♪ you're pushin' too hard, uh, what you ♪♪
00:01:26♪♪ you're pushin' too hard about the things you say ♪♪
00:01:30♪♪ you're pushin' too hard every night and day ♪♪
00:01:33♪♪ you're pushin' too hard, pushin' too hard on me ♪♪
00:01:40♪♪ too hard ♪♪
00:01:43♪♪ well, all I want is to just be free ♪♪
00:01:47♪♪ and live my life the way I wanna be ♪♪
00:01:48oh!
00:01:51♪♪ All I want is to just have fun ♪♪
00:01:54♪♪ and live my life like it's just begun ♪♪ ohh!
00:01:58♪♪ But you're pushin' too hard ♪♪
00:02:00♪♪ PUSHIN' TOO HARD ON ME ♪♪ (all screaming) ♪♪ Too hard ♪♪
00:02:11♪♪ well, you better listen, girl, to what I'm tellin' you ♪♪
00:02:14♪♪ you better listen, girl, or we are through ♪♪
00:02:18♪♪ you better stop all your foolin' around ♪♪
00:02:22♪♪ stop your runnin' all over town ♪♪
00:02:25♪♪ 'cause you're pushin' too hard ♪♪
00:02:28♪♪ pushin' too hard on me ♪♪
00:02:31♪♪ too hard ♪♪
00:02:34(crying) ♪♪ Pushin' too hard ♪♪
00:02:37♪♪ pushin' too hard ♪♪ ohh!
00:02:39♪♪ Pushin' too hard ♪♪
00:02:41♪♪ pushin' too hard on me ♪♪
00:02:44♪♪ too hard ♪♪
00:02:49♪♪ pushin' too hard ♪♪
00:02:50♪♪ pushin' too hard, pushin' too hard ♪♪
00:02:51ohh!
00:02:54(cheering) ♪♪♪♪
00:03:53$523!
00:03:5416%!
00:03:57..
00:03:58Isn't it time an auto insurer gave it to you straight?
00:04:00That's why you should talkto state farm.
00:04:02But not yet.
00:04:02First, talk to any oneof the 40 million drivers who already have state farm.
00:04:0840 Million.
00:04:08Yeah, that's more than geicoand progressive combined.
00:04:12By a lot.
00:04:1340 Million drivers.more savings.
00:04:15And discounts up to 40%.
00:04:17Where else you gonna getdiscounts like that?
00:04:19Call an agentat 1-800-state-farm or go online.
00:05:47(cheering) ♪♪♪♪
00:05:52welcome back.
00:05:54Everyone wants beachfront property because people love the water, but you don't need to spend millions on a beach house to have a good time.
00:06:04A garden hose--just as good.
00:06:05It's just that "hosefront property" doesn't sound as sexy in the real estate section.
00:06:11Here are some people getting wet and wild.
00:06:13(woman) OH, MOM, DON'T LET GO. (man) GO, Mama (man) NO, YOU GOTTA LET GO, Or it's gonna swing you right back.
00:06:20 I mean, I'm scared-- hurry up. my battery's dying.
00:06:23Fear is just your body's way of telling you not to listen to your family.
00:06:28(man) WHOO!
00:06:29Oh!
00:06:30Mommy! mommy! want some assistance?
00:06:34(laughter) They didn't want a puppy, .. hose.
00:06:49(laughing) There.
00:07:03(woman) DON'T DRINK THAT WATER, BUDDY.
00:07:06The dog takes a shower, the woman takes a bath.
00:07:13OH! (laughing) Look at you.
00:07:21Oh, no!
00:07:28(man) IS ANYBODY GETTING PICTURES OF THAT?
00:07:31(woman) YEAH!
00:07:33Isn't it nice to know that golden retrievers are dolphin-safe?
00:07:42Okay, he's coming towards us, guys.
00:07:44Get ready with the cameras.
00:07:48(laughter) A hose--he can't say it, but he can spray it.
00:08:07Check out the water wiener waddle.
00:08:28(laughs) (cheers and applause) plause) People love practical jokes.
00:08:36After all, the only thing funnier than someone sitting on a whoopee cushion is someone sitting down, making that noise and realizing there is no whoopee cushion.
00:08:46 sometimes nature's even crueler.
00:08:51(man) ALL RIGHT, WE PUT THIS UP HERE LAST March, and everybody's been walking by it now for about a year.
00:09:02..
00:09:04I think it's time we actually use it for its original intent.
00:09:10They spent a whole year planning this joke?
00:09:21(roars) (screams) (bleep) Now he's got a whole year to retaliate.
00:09:29What are your giggles about?
00:09:31(woman) HE PICKED IT OUT HIMSELF.
00:09:34By "picking it out," she meant he picked all the worms out of the garden.
00:09:40Hey, what are you laughing about?
00:09:43(screams) (laughing) I don't think anyone's going to be getting their beauty sleep tonight.
00:10:04(screams) (man) BABY!
00:10:11(laughs) GOT YOU.
00:10:16(engine starts) Even america's heroes like to have fun with a rookie.
00:10:35(cheering) The search for intelligent life has officially ended.
00:10:47Let's go file the paperwork.
00:10:49..
00:11:00This guy's a total lasso.
00:11:04(whinnies) Apparently he forgot the slide rule-- that he's too old to slide.
00:11:15(woman speaking indistinctly) (laughter) (child speaks indistinctly) Unfortunately, this piñata is filled with nothing but disappointment.
00:11:29(woman laughs) (girl) IS HE DEAD YET?
00:11:32It's open, it's open.
00:11:34Hey, where's the stuff?
00:11:36(man) IT'S EMPTY.
00:11:38It's empty?
00:11:40What happened?
00:11:42You have to fill it.
00:11:44You buy them empty. youfill it.
00:11:46I didn't know that.
00:11:48There's nothing in it?
00:11:51No. how do you fill it?
00:12:01It might be an empty shed, but I see four tools.
00:12:14(man) YOU OKAY?
00:12:18Summertime is here, but the somersaults fall short.
00:12:24You mean like this.
00:12:27(man) YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GO IN THE WATER, Though.
00:12:30(woman laughs) ARE YOU OKAY?
00:12:35ARE YOU GUYS... (laughs) Oh!
00:12:40(cheering) ♪♪♪♪
00:12:45 I mentioned earlier you could win a magical disney vacation.
00:12:50Well, check this out-- get ready for a chance to wina mexican riviera cruise ro Disney For four aboard disney cruise line, sailing june 8th or july 27, 2008.
00:12:57Disney cruise line is sailingto the mexican riviera from the port of los angeles visiting three exotic ports of call.
00:13:04In cabo san lucas, sunbathe on golden beaches or immerse yourselfin a scenic excursion.
00:13:09Enjoy the refreshinglysimple atmosphere of mazatlan.
00:13:12Then it's on to puerto vallarta, where man-made adventures blend with the charmof traditional mexico.
00:13:18While on board, enjoy special areas and activities that appeal to every memberof the family-- nearly half a deck devoted just to kids, a cool hangout for teens, broadway-style entertainment and relaxing spaces just for adults.
00:13:31Combine all of this with the legendary disney service, and you get the family vacationof a lifetime.
00:13:36Stay tuned to find out how you could win this magical disney cruise line vacation.
00:13:42♪♪♪♪
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00:14:48Droid does.
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00:14:54Right now buy a 3G smartphone and get a second one free.
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00:15:01wednesdays,i laundry, or get pizza hut's wings.
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00:17:02♪♪♪♪
00:17:05(cheering) All righty.
00:17:12I am standing here with a sister act-- now, stephanie, you're visiting alexa from victoria, canada, right? that's right. yep.
00:17:20And--and your boys-- this is their favorite segment? this is theirfavorite.
00:17:24Mom's doing it for you here, so if she does well, she'll bring home really neat things, and if she doesn't do well, you can talk to her about that.
00:17:32All right. all right.
00:17:34 we stop them at a certain point.
00:17:36You tell us whether the hit's going to be in the head, gut or groin, as you well know from watching in victoria, canada. yes, absolutely.
00:17:44First clip is a teen on a snowboard on a trampoline.
00:17:46It's--it's double the damage potential here.
00:17:49Get a good bounce, and we stop.
00:17:52 now, alexa, I don't know how often .. all the time.
00:17:57So you may want to confer-- oh, you're both veterans.
00:17:59All right. well, head, gut or groin?
00:18:01He's gonna get hit in one of those three places.
00:18:04What do you think? head.
00:18:07You think head? head.
00:18:08 you're--you're-- that--that's it?
00:18:11That's the whole consultation right there.
00:18:12That's it. that's all.
00:18:15It's head. let's see if you're right.
00:18:18Oh, it could go anywhere, really.
00:18:20(man) OH! OH, NO!
00:18:22Oh! ow.
00:18:23 I never saw that coming with .. no. no way.
00:18:27But congratulations. thank you.
00:18:29You're one for one. all right. here we go.
00:18:31OKAY, OUR... (laughs) I LOVE THIS NEXT CLIP.
00:18:34This is, uh, an antisocial martial arts expert.
00:18:38Let's roll the start of this one.
00:18:40He's off in the la-- back of the lawn all by himself sitting down.
00:18:46(laughs) Okay, kicking at his imaginary friend.
00:18:51Okay, we've stopped it.
00:18:52Obviously, he's gonna get clocked in the head, gut or groin. where do you think?
00:18:55I have to say groin.
00:18:57Groin. why do youhave to say groin?
00:19:00I have to say it because that just seems .. at the moment ..
00:19:05 so therefore you're going with the ..
00:19:08Going with the groin. an interesting strategy.
00:19:09Let's see if it's right.
00:19:11(laughs) HE'S CERTAINLY WORKING IT, ISN'T He?
00:19:14Oh, you know, I think you're right.
00:19:17Yeah! yeah. yeah.
00:19:19OH! (laughs) (all laughing) ..
00:19:27You may leave the temple, grasshopper, AND GO RIGHT TO THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE. (both laugh) Okay, let's see if you can go three for three.
00:19:34 yeah, I'm a veteran.
00:19:37The kids--the kids-- yeah, but you're doing great.
00:19:40Our last clip is a backyard juggler-- uh, here we go.
00:19:45(boy) AH. FLIP.
00:19:46Why do I get the feeling wherever he gets hit, it won't be the first time? he has that look.
00:19:52 three for three. what do you think? all this pressure.
00:19:55I know, huh? what do you think?
00:19:58Head. head again?
00:19:59Yeah. okay.
00:20:00Really? the head.
00:20:02Okay. all right. head, gut or groin?
00:20:04 I'm sort of-- no, I'm not as sure.
00:20:09Okay. I'm thinking maybe gut.
00:20:10 'cause your gut said, "go head," and now you're going gut because she said, "don't go head." she's the boss.
00:20:16Really? yes.
00:20:17But your-- original gut was head? just--yes.
00:20:19.. yes.
00:20:21'Cause that was your gut. right.
00:20:24(mouths word) Did anybody say groin here? I forgot.
00:20:27No, we're going for gut. gut.
00:20:29Gut. all right. all right.
00:20:31Gut. let's see, uh, if that's right.
00:20:34♪♪♪♪
00:20:39I'm going for bored.
00:20:41(laughter) Oh, wait a minute.
00:20:44This could be a wild card element here.
00:20:46Head! oh! oh!
00:20:48..
00:20:49(wah-wah horn plays) so that means-- just toss them right here-- you can take .. thank you.
00:20:58Thank you. to your kids in victoria, canada.
00:21:00 thank you very much.
00:21:03Congratulations. thank you.
00:21:04And you guys give your heads, guts and groins a rest while you watch these. very nicely done.
00:21:10(man) IT'S VERY TINY.
00:21:16At's the m got your oops.
00:21:21Whatcall a rough ?
00:21:29oman) MARI OFF TH Is a dism oh, no.
00:21:36That's wcall a rough .
00:21:39g indistin Cuse me, m I thinnd what's beeng your toi dad, bring o camera?
00:22:01Now here'stoy any dog wo.
00:22:23Yohat he's din tha?
00:22:26(womHE'S CURIOOW At is insi this ice OH. (l Meet chump (man) I THAT. D YOU?
00:22:53(lau WHOAs) aughter) (cheering) ♪♪♪♪
00:23:04 here's, uh, an interesting statistic-- the average person goes to the bathroom of course, theregularperson goes a few more times than that, but the person with the video camera only goes to the bathroom when there's a really good reason.
00:23:22(woman) GET HER ATTENTION FIRST.
00:23:26(cooing) You want to know why that baby's laughing?
00:23:31(laughing) She knows what's in that water.
00:23:34(continues laughing) (laughing) Remember this the next time he licks your face.
00:23:50(lapping water) (man) WHAT DID YOU DO THERE?
00:23:56(speaks indistinctly) You went pee pee on the potty? yeah.
00:24:01Can you show me-- can you show me where you went pee pee on the potty? there.
00:24:06Wait. where?
00:24:08Right there.
00:24:10You went right there?
00:24:11(laughs) YOU DID?
00:24:17Bath time.
00:24:18(growling) Bath time. come on.
00:24:21(growling louder) Come on. come on. come on.
00:24:26The reason he doesn't want to take a bath is that evenhedoesn't like wet dog smell.
00:24:33(continues growling) Come on. let's go.
00:24:49Let's go. come on.
00:24:51Bath time. come on.
00:24:57Oh!
00:25:08Just remember, the shower curtain opens both ways.
00:25:16(boy) I SAW THAT.
00:25:18♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:25:25..
00:25:31Is it this kid with the trumpet, this ugly mutt or uncle lou?
00:25:38Find out when "afv" returns.
00:25:40♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:27:34[ Male Announcer ]HOW DO YOU TURN A WASHER Into a whole new way to custom-clean and carefor clothes?
00:27:40By turning the drumfive different ways.
00:27:43The head-turning,5-motion kenmore elite washer.
00:27:47That's genius.
00:27:51excited and I really want to wear this sleeveless dress.
00:27:55Sometimes when I use deodorant right after I shave, I get the irritation, it's so distracting.
00:28:02I'm surprised it went on so comfortably.
00:28:04It's very smooth. my underarms feel great.
00:28:05Dove's proven unique formula with one quarter ..
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00:28:45♪♪♪♪
00:28:51..
00:28:56Is it this kid, this loveable mutt or uncle lou?
00:29:01If you guessed the dog or uncle lou, you're wrong.
00:29:05(trumpet playing) What?
00:29:16(man laughing) What? what are you doing?
00:29:19I have to practice my trumpet, and I have to go to the bathroom, okay?
00:29:24Now go away.
00:29:26Okay, well, keep goin'.
00:29:27Yeah, you keep goin', and we'll keep showin' ..
00:29:33(cheering) All righty.
00:29:39.. if you watch our show long enough, you start describing things " for example, instead of colonel mustard in the drawing room with the lead pipe, on our show, it would be more like uncle frank in the backyard with, uh, a trampoline, .. "clueless." (barking) (man) COME ON, DAIS. LET'S GO FOR A WALK.
00:30:03COME ON. (barks) Come on.
00:30:06Don't judge a dog till you walk a mile in his shoes.
00:30:12Come here, dais.
00:30:17(laughing) That is really funny.
00:30:22Don't worry about releasing the hounds.
00:30:26Release your grip.
00:30:28(screaming) (woman laughing) Polly want a doberman?
00:30:38(grunting) Whoo! go! go all the way!
00:30:51Whoa!
00:30:53(laughing) Get out of the way.
00:30:56Whoa!
00:30:58(shouting indistinctly) Whoa!
00:31:01(laughter) (shouting indistinctly) Whoo! look out!
00:31:10(laughing) Have you ever heard of someone being too good for a waterslide?
00:31:18That's good--oh!
00:31:21(cheering) ♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:31:26what if I offered you a job where you had to work 24 hours a day with no vacation, no benefits, no pay?
00:31:34What if I told you it would be the best job you ever had?
00:31:39What if I told you, "congratulations on your new baby"?
00:31:43(man) I THINK RILEY MIGHT BE HUNGRY. WATCH This.
00:31:46OH. OH, THERE! (laughs) This is, uh, "america's funniest home videos," uh, good, I think.
00:31:54(laughs) I just finished saying that riley might be hungry, and tammy said, "she just ate, " watch this, riley.
00:32:03Watch. here she goes. oh! she wants some.
00:32:07(laughing) Come over here.
00:32:10(man) OH, YOU MAKE ME LAUGH, BOY. (laughs) ..
00:32:17'Cause he doesn't have any.
00:32:20(woman laughing) He's watching tv, and he's dipping it.
00:32:23He's not even looking at the glass.
00:32:26Uh-oh. uh-oh. uh-oh!
00:32:28Where is it? oh, you found it. good job.
00:32:31We're getting the carpet cleaned tomorrow.
00:32:38You know what they say-- a sucker isairborne every minute.
00:32:47(man) TEAR IT.
00:32:48I'm gonna tell your mama quick.
00:32:51Break it.
00:32:54Quit it, moni.
00:32:55In a moment they're gonna find out just how absorbent that paper is.
00:33:01Quit it, moni.
00:33:03(laughing) (crying) I FELL...
00:33:09(man) HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?
00:33:11(woman laughing) WHERE'S YOUR LICENSE?
00:33:16Okay, chasen, it's time to get out.
00:33:18(crying) Time to get out, chasen. come on, buddy.
00:33:22Time to get out of the car.
00:33:24(continues crying) Oh, time to get out, chasen.
00:33:27Come on, buddy. let go.
00:33:30(continues crying) Come on, honey.
00:33:35It's time to get out of the car.
00:33:42It doesn't matter if they're 14 months or 40.
00:33:45Everyguy loves a convertible.
00:33:48(continues crying) Okay, one more ride. one more ride.
00:33:52Yeah, yeah.
00:33:54(laughs) (cheering) ♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:34:03we see an awful lot of piñatas around here, so I consider myself a bit of an expert.
00:34:08If you want to enjoy a piñata to the fullest extent, you need the proper equipment-- ..
00:34:19♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:34:23oh.
00:34:24(child) OH, YEAH. I COULD NEVER DO THAT.
00:34:26(woman) OH!
00:34:31(woman) LOOK AT THAT. IT FELL.
00:34:33(man) OH. (laughs) (speaking indistinctly) Oh!
00:34:47(screaming) (screaming) One, two, three!
00:34:53(laughter) Aah! stop! oh!
00:34:57(man) WATCH IT. OOH!
00:35:02(woman) OH!
00:35:10Oh!
00:35:10Get ready. all right. here, sadie.
00:35:13(yelps) (boy yells indistinctly) Aah. aah!
00:35:17(woman) COME ON, EVAN.
00:35:21(woman) AAH!
00:35:22(crash) (laughing) (cheering) ♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:36:39♪♪♪
00:36:44..
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00:37:13..
00:37:13Isn't it time an auto insurer gave it to you straight?
00:37:15That's why you should talkto state farm.
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00:37:18First, talk to any oneof the 40 million drivers who already have state farm.
00:37:2340 Million.
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00:37:2840 Million drivers.more savings.
00:37:31And discounts up to 40%.
00:37:32Where else you gonna getdiscounts like that?
00:37:35Call an agentat 1-800-state-farm or go online.
00:37:39switch extender, and you'll dump your old duster.
00:37:43But don't worry.
00:37:45He'll find someone else.
00:37:46
00:37:49
00:37:51♪ sexy lady ♪
00:37:52
00:37:53[ Female Announcer ] Swiffer 360 duster extender cleans high and low with thick all-around fibers that attract and lock up to two times more dust than a feather duster.
00:38:02Swiffer gives cleaning a whole new meaning.
00:38:05[ cat meows ] ♪
00:39:34♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:39:37(cheering) Every gathering has that one guy who ruins it for everybody else.
00:39:45He hits on the host's girlfriend.
00:39:46 he double dips his chip, and that's when you turn to the person next to you " (men and women humming "Happy Birthday To You") She blows on the candles, but it's her dad who puts them out.
00:40:03Go. oh!
00:40:05(laughter) (speaking indistinctly) (child) THERE HE IS!
00:40:14(child screams) (cheering) Here comes the guest of honor at this surprise party with a surprise of his own.
00:40:22(man) YEAH, THERE HE IS. AH!
00:40:26(car alarm blaring) (laughter) (girl) MISSY!
00:40:34Watch that toddler in the receiving line and the lady on the receiving end.
00:40:47(laughter) I don't know who invited this guy, but he's about to get his invitation revoked.
00:40:55(laughter) (cheering) ♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:41:04I hope you weren't watching us waiting for a feature called "normal enough " because if so, oh, you've got the wrong show.
00:41:13(alarm rings) ..
00:41:18(braying) (laughter) (alarm rings) ..
00:41:34(cheering) There are over a dozen muscles used in your face when you smile.
00:41:41As a result, we like to think our viewers have extremely toned cheeks, and their faces look good, too, so get ready to smile.
00:41:49It's time for some muscle toning.
00:41:52Hey, instead of focusing your camera, you should focus on your landing.
00:42:00(man) Ethan?
00:42:01Yep.
00:42:02(shouting indistinctly) Oh, well.
00:42:06Yeah, I'm fine.
00:42:08That could have been a lot worse.
00:42:09Those remote control cars can be expensive, but they're cheaper than a trip to the dentist.
00:42:16..
00:42:18..
00:42:20Three.
00:42:22Oh!
00:42:26(laughs) (laughter) (man) WE NOW HAVE A TOOTH.
00:42:36Maximum thought, minimum effort.
00:42:40(woman) HE'S TRYING IT.
00:42:42(man) JUMP.
00:42:43(laughter) Nice going!
00:42:47Hey, see?
00:42:49(man) WE LOVE YOU!
00:42:51(woman) OH!
00:42:52That's one way to take out the trash.
00:42:55(woman laughing) Ilovepotato chips.
00:42:59Yeah, you keep eating potato chips, one day you'll look like that for real.
00:43:04Shake a little.
00:43:05♪♪ Aloha 'oe, aloha ♪♪
00:43:08AAH. (laughs) (boy laughing) He's fine, but it looks like big trouble for his little brother.
00:43:20(man) WHENEVER YOU'RE UP THERE.
00:43:24(laughs) (woman) HOW MANY ARE IN THERE, DO YOU THINK?
00:43:33Eleventy-three.
00:43:34..
00:43:35The only thing worse than opening a can of worms is opening a tub of cicadas.
00:43:40And I'm gonna go find some more on my swing set.
00:43:43And then what are we gonna do with them?
00:43:45.. dump them on mommy's head!
00:43:49Aah! aah! aah!
00:43:53(continues screaming) ♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:44:48?
00:44:48Does your phone do searches,for example, the word "Human" ?
00:44:51Does your phone do searches for"Human" on the web...
00:44:54... then Google Mapsfor places named "Human"...
00:44:56... your contacts for anyfriends named "Human"...
00:44:59... which would beweird if you had one...
00:45:00even your music for songsyou forgot you downloaded ?
00:45:04Droid does.
00:45:05Search alldigital creation.
00:45:07In a world of doesn't...
00:45:09Right now buy a 3G smartphone and get a second one free.
00:45:13Like the Droid.Only from Verizon.
00:45:18and kate's faceis breaking out.
00:45:20So she uses newclearasil overnight lotion, scientifically formulatedto work with her skin to deal withbreakouts overnight.
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00:45:35The result?
00:45:35Redness and pimple sizeare visibly reduced.
00:45:39And the next day, katelooks and feels awesome.
00:45:43Clearasil.
00:45:44The science of looking awesome.
00:46:17wednesdays,i laundry, or get pizza hut's wings.
00:46:20I'm thinking wings.
00:46:21[ Male Announcer ]DON'T MISS PIZZA HUT'S 50¢¢ Wing wednesdays.
00:46:24Every wing is 50¢¢ eachevery wednesday.
00:46:27That's every flavor.
00:46:28Only on wednesdays and only at your pizza hut.
00:47:07♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:47:09all right.
00:47:10Now it's time to give some money away.
00:47:12We're gonna meet our first nominee-- "powerful pecker," sent in by the hill family from round rock, texas.
00:47:20(cheering) (man) QUACK, QUACK, QUACK.
00:47:25(gasps) HONEY, HONEY.
00:47:29Aah! oh, my god. go, honey, go.
00:47:31That hurt. that really hurt.
00:47:33The next video that could win it all is "baby's first convertible," sent in by barb heller and family from brookings, south dakota.
00:47:43(cheering) Okay, chasen, it's time to get out.
00:47:47(crying) Time to get out, chasen.
00:47:50It doesn't matter if they're 14 months or 40.
00:47:53Everyguy loves a convertible.
00:47:55Time to get out, chasen.
00:47:57And last but not least, our final nominee is "sick of cicadas," sent in by kristin linde from chicago heights, illinois.
00:48:06(cheering) And I'm gonna go find some more on my swing set.
00:48:11(woman) AND THEN WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO WITH Them?
00:48:14.. dump them on mommy's head!
00:48:17Aah! aah!
00:48:19Okay. our audience has seen the three nominees.
00:48:23It is time to votenow.
00:48:25(beeping) And while they vote, let's have one last look at our honorable mentions.
00:48:32♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:48:34aah!
00:48:36(thud) (brakes screech) (crash) Aah!
00:48:48(rattling) (crash) Whoa!
00:49:02(thud) (cheers and applause) All right, now it's time for the results of our voting.
00:49:09..
00:49:12"Sick of cicadas," sent in by kristin linde from chicago heights, illinois.
00:49:19(cheering) (drumroll) And the winner of the $10,000 ..
00:49:29"Baby's first convertible," sent in by barb heller and family from brookings, south dakota.
00:49:37We have mom barb and dad cody and little star chasen.
00:49:42Hey, cody. hey, barb. hello, chasen.
00:49:44I couldn't help but notice chasen looks like he would actually ratherbe in a convertible right now.
00:49:50 it's in his blood.
00:49:52This is a family of car lovers going way back? yep, yep.
00:49:56 yes, it was.
00:49:58Had you had to forcibly remove him from the convertible before?
00:50:02Almost every day. really? really?
00:50:06It's a common occurrence.
00:50:07 the best eyes I have seen all show, huh?
00:50:10Chasen could not care less about being on television.
00:50:14Well, tell him this after the show-- that now he has a $10,000 down payment on his own convertible, all right?
00:50:21 we'll see you later in the season for the $100,000 show.
00:50:26Bye, chasen.
00:50:27(cheering) I'm sad to say good-bye but glad we'll be back soon.
00:50:37Until then, remember-- if you get it on video, you could get it in cash.
00:50:41Good night, everybody.
00:50:43♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:51:23take a look at my co-stars today.
00:51:25All of these little guys and gals come to us courtesy of our friends at the los angeles animal care center, and they are here because tonight's show is all about them-- you're in the wrong town.
00:51:38Not just these puppies-- your puppies, your neighbor's puppies, your cats, your cockatoos and bunnies all over the country.
00:51:44If you're a pet lover, we've got a treat for you, because tonight, "afv" celebrates america's favorite pets!
00:51:53(cheers and applause) Tonight, "america'sfunniest home videos" ..
00:52:01♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:52:03..
00:52:08..
00:52:12..
00:52:16..
00:52:21..
00:52:25..
00:52:28And now here he is, the man to fetch the videos-- it's tom bergeron!
00:52:37(cheers and applause) ♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:52:42thank you very much.
00:52:44Thank you. what a nice crowd.
00:52:47" you know, pets have been an important part of our show, really, from the very beginning.
00:52:55For us, pets are right up there with skateboard accidents and crotch hits, but they're much cuter.
00:53:02So put your pet in front of the set and tell him to stay, because this one's for him.
00:53:15Standard poodle.
00:53:17Prescription goggles.
00:53:21(laughter) He's a cat-robat.
00:53:30(woman) OH, GOOD KITTY.
00:53:33She's going higher than the camera.
00:53:38(laughter) Beware of the black widow wiener.
00:53:59" you might want to stop feeding him.
00:54:04He's full.
00:54:06Ew, he's peeing!
00:54:11(woman laughs) No, I don't wanna take him!
00:54:16Ew, he pooped!
00:54:18OH! (laughs) (man snoring) Hey, you can wear a mask, but you can't get away with this.
00:54:29(laughter) (boy) OH, WE GOT IT ON TAPE.
00:54:39" (screaming) (man speaking foreign language) (cheering) (laughs) It is no secret why people love their dogs.
00:55:06Dogs are loyal. they follow our commands.
00:55:08They are both brilliant and stupid at the same time.
00:55:12Think about it.
00:55:13What other animal can predict an earthquake and get in a fight with his own tail on the same day?
00:55:20Dogs are just fun on four legs.
00:55:23(fanfare plays) Down, lazy boy, down.
00:55:34(growls) (barks) (laughter) (growls) (woman) RIGHT HERE, RIGHT HERE.
00:55:55I think he's trying to tell you he wants you to put in a doggy door.
00:56:01(thump) (laughter) (man) I GOT THAT ON FILM.
00:56:09OH, MY GOD. (laughs) (growls) (laughter) And this is how dinosaur chihuahuas became extinct.
00:56:21(laughter) (barks) (whines) This is very cute, especially since it's on the first floor.
00:56:59(man) GOOD BOY. OH, THAT'S A BIG ONE.
00:57:02(woman) GOOD BOY.
00:57:03..
00:57:05(laughs) Man, now I've got to get it again.
00:57:10He's smarter than you think.
00:57:12How many dogs doyouknow who can play fetch with themselves?
00:57:17There it is. good boy.
00:57:19I'm gonna laugh if it rolls back in.
00:57:22LOOK. (laughs) (laughing) (cheering) All right, we've seen a lot about dogs.
00:57:52Cats, though-- let's mention cats, because they are independent, they are aloof, and while you can train a dog, a cat will masteryou.
00:57:59If you're a person who likes a challenge in a relationship, get yourself a cat.
00:58:04If you're a person who's never had a relationship, get yourself 30 cats.
00:58:08Become that crazy old cat lady at the end of the street.
00:58:13(fanfare plays) Yay!
00:58:18I think this ball pit should have a one-cat limit.
00:58:25Yay, yay!
00:58:29(laughter) Easy, goldie.
00:58:36You're not supposed to cross a black cat's path.
00:58:40(hissing) (cat yelps) (birds chirping) You've heard of the bluebird of happiness.
00:58:56I'll showyouthe bluebird of happiness, furball!
00:59:03(birds squawking) (woman laughing) (man laughing) (speaks indistinctly) Wonder how long he's been on the nas-cat circuit?
00:59:23(laughing) THAT'S FUNNY.
00:00:01To take a lie detector test.
00:00:03This may seem a little radical, but I think we should do the same thing with our pets.
00:00:08I have a strong feeling some of you are harboring criminals.
00:00:12(The Sights' "Just Got Robbed" playing) ♪♪ Well, I just got robbed ♪♪
00:00:17(laughter) ♪♪ On the way out the door ♪♪
00:00:21aah!
00:00:22♪♪ Yeah, I just got robbed ♪♪
00:00:25AAH! (man) OY! (laughs) ♪♪ My face kissed the floor ♪♪
00:00:29aah!
00:00:31♪♪ But now I'm back on my feet ♪♪
00:00:35♪♪ ain't gonna keep me down ♪♪
00:00:39♪♪ well, I just got robbed ♪♪
00:00:41aah!
00:00:43♪♪ Ain't gonna stick around ♪♪
00:00:49♪♪ any way you think that you can't take it ♪♪
00:00:55♪♪ you will ♪♪
00:00:58♪♪ yeah, yeah ♪♪
00:01:03(squawks) (crying) (shouts indistinctly) ♪♪ Well, I just got robbed ♪♪
00:01:13♪♪ on the way out the door ♪♪
00:01:17♪♪ yeah, I just got robbed ♪♪
00:01:21♪♪ my face kissed the floor ♪♪
00:01:25(laughter) ♪♪ Any way you think that you can't take it ♪♪
00:01:33♪♪ you will ♪♪
00:01:36♪♪ yeah, yeah ♪♪
00:01:37ohh!
00:01:44(barks) (cheering) ♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:02:31er@maxcatt beeconfirmedvia ]Introducinghe backflip.
00:02:39Facebook, twitter, and more a single scr ♪♪
00:02:45breaking news on facebook and text: Cal man who can't find his lucky hat blames a frie.
00:02:52Announcer ]BUY THE W BACKFLIP 99after mail-in rebate and get one freeafter mail-in rebate.
00:02:56Offer ends march 31st.only on at&t.
00:03:01Hey.
00:03:01son: HEY MOM!
00:03:02wife: WHAT IS THIS?
00:03:03guy: IT'S A SPECIAL PASTE I INVENTED TO REPLACE Socks.
00:03:05wife: WHY?
00:03:06guy: BECAUSE WE CAN'T FIND SOCKS THAT SHAPE To our feet.
00:03:08We're sick of it!
00:03:11announcer: HANES MAKESBETTER-FITTING SOCKS.
00:03:13Guaranteed or your money back.
00:04:43♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:04:45(cheering) Thank you, and welcome back.
00:04:49You know, a lot of single guys say the best way to meet women is to get a puppy, because women like things that are soft and cuddly.
00:04:58The worst way to meet women?
00:05:00..
00:05:02Unless you're after women who like things that are scaly and bug-eyed.
00:05:06Odds are you and your lizard will be spending quite a few eveningsalone.
00:05:11Yeah, I used to be scared to death of this thing.
00:05:14I like iguanas, but this is cold-blooded.
00:05:19(woman laughing) I got a close-up.
00:05:25Oh, I got a close-up.
00:05:26He thought it was--he thought it was a worm, daryl.
00:05:31(laughs) There's got to be an easier way to get your ears pierced.
00:05:36(laughs) (squeals) OW!
00:05:41(laughing) What's black and white and green all over?
00:05:56(woman screams) (yelps) (all laughing) When a little lizard meets a little girl, it can be a big problem.
00:06:09Ow.
00:06:10(man laughing) OW. (cries) Is he biting your nose? oh!
00:06:14 let me get him off.
00:06:18Let me get him off. let go. move, move.
00:06:21(crying) OW!
00:06:23(laughs) Well, a bandit--but bandit doesn't have any teeth.
00:06:28(woman) ASHLEY, GET HIM BEFORE HE JUMPS, Because if he jumps, I'm going to scream!
00:06:34(all screaming) Get it!
00:06:38I don't--aah!
00:06:40Mom, get it!
00:06:41(screams) ASHLEY, HELP ME! (laughs) You know, one of the things that I like to do as host of "afv"-- I like to give back.
00:06:54So I like to mentor the hosts of the future.
00:06:57Rachel is a host of the future, aren't you, rachel?
00:07:01Yeah.
00:07:02Yeah. you just read that.
00:07:03You can start your network hosting career.
00:07:05How many people can walk into stuff before the dog stops sneezing?
00:07:12..
00:07:19(sneezing) (man laughs) OH!
00:07:27Uhh!
00:07:29Aah!
00:07:30(screaming) (man) OH! (laughter) (man) WHOA!
00:07:38(thump) (man laughs) (man) OHH!
00:07:44Oh, wait! oh! oh!
00:07:46(fanfare plays) (cheering) Okay, got a question for you.
00:07:53See if you can guess what animal this is, okay?
00:07:57They can be trained to perform complex tasks, they have their own sophisticated language, and they have elaborate and confusing mating rituals.
00:08:06I'm talking, of course, about the human animal.
00:08:09Enjoy these homo sapiens in their natural habitat.
00:08:14Yeah, we've completely rone the basement-- a game room, we've got the conference room, and wait till you see our new wall of glass.
00:08:25(thud) (woman) OOPS, I WALKED INTO THE WINDOW.
00:08:29I feel stupid. I walked into the window.
00:08:33I walked into the window.
00:08:35(speaking indistinctly) Fast food.
00:08:46Slow recovery.
00:08:52(laughter) You're supposed to wear clean underwear in case you'reinan accident.
00:09:03This is the first time clean underwear causedan accident.
00:09:12(woman laughs) (screams and cries) (man) NOISY BOY.
00:09:24Look out! the juice is loose.
00:09:29(woman) OOH!
00:09:30(laughs) You all right?
00:09:34(wailing) Oh, darling, let me get you wiped up.
00:09:45..
00:09:47He's about to destroy.
00:09:53Daddy, are you okay?
00:09:56(cheering) ♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:10:00animals never have to stand in line at the d.m.v.
00:10:03They don't have bosses who take credit for their ideas.
00:10:07They don't have to worry about losing their cell phone signal when they're driving through a canyon, which makes me wonder, why are some animals so angry?
00:10:15I hate to be and itoadyou so, but itoadyou so.
00:10:21(man) YEAH. AAH!
00:10:27Ow!
00:10:33Ow!
00:10:34(speaking indistinctly) Seems like everybody's a tv critic.
00:10:48This is what happens when you leave your dog for the weekend " (high-pitched voice) IF YOU EVER SEE A WILD Animal in the back, however, if ..
00:12:22The bird's not real, but the dog's reaction is.
00:12:28Hello--aah!
00:12:30(all laughing) ♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:12:35if you'd like to see madduxloves everyone how drivers can get discountsup to 40 percent.
00:13:54I --your neighbors can tell you, too.
00:13:56Chances are they're some ofstate farm's 40 million drivers.
00:13:59My --so talk to them.
00:14:00Then call a state farmagent like carrie.
00:14:03Call me.
00:15:36you'reletting daughter shop on her own.
00:15:40So here's yourmoment of truth, mom.
00:15:42Which 3G Networkwould you trust to run appslike Family Locator, when it matters most ?
00:15:50When you want your3G network to work, you want Verizon.
00:15:57Right now, buy a 3G smartphone and get one free.
00:16:00Including BlackBerry devices, like the Curve for just $29.99.
00:16:03At Verizon.
00:17:06♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:17:07(cheering) I can admit this on this themed show.
00:17:14I have always loved dogs-- big ones, small ones, dogs that run all day, dogs that take 18-hour naps-- doesn't matter.
00:17:22I haven't always had the best of luck, though, as you'll see in my own home movies.
00:17:27Here I am taking the old mutt for a walk.
00:17:32(woman screams) (laughs) (speaks indistinctly) (screams) (cheering) Well, even, uh, even as a baby, dogs would follow me everywhere.
00:17:51(crying) (man) COME ON, COME ON.
00:17:59You're all right.
00:18:04(laughing) Oh, brings back memories.
00:18:08Some of my happiest times were spent roaming the hills with my best friend by my side.
00:18:16(child crying) Stop it!
00:18:21(laughs) OF COURSE, AFTER THAT I SKIPPED The walks.
00:18:24I stayed in my own backyard.
00:18:30(laughs) Ohh!
00:18:34(laughing) Well, if one dog was that much fun, just look at how much fun I had withtwodogs.
00:18:45(barks) Well, after watching those, I'm sure you understand why I am such a big dog lover, let's get back to some of yours.
00:18:59He'd have no trouble getting out of that box if he'd trained more on his wheel.
00:19:08Oh, where's the big cow?
00:19:11Where's the big cow?
00:19:12(man) OH, THE BIG COW IS OVER THERE. AW.
00:19:16Hey, you've got a run in your sweater.
00:19:20(laughs) Look at him go.
00:19:25Where's he going?
00:19:27(laughs) (man) COME ON, BUDDY. BRING IT HERE.
00:19:31(woman) GET THE STICK. TAKE IT HOME.
00:19:33Don't worry. he'll figure it out.
00:19:36Germans are great at engineering.
00:19:40Oh, look out!
00:19:41Get it, boy. get it, boy.
00:19:44Go on, stosh.
00:19:46Go on, go on. go on, stosh.
00:19:49YAY! (laughs) ..
00:19:53I think that old bird is scared of that young bird.
00:19:58Oh, no!
00:19:59(woman laughs) (man) I WONDER WHERE THAT BIRD IS.
00:20:04(laughter) (woman) HE'S ON YOUR SHOULDER!
00:20:09She locked it in. he's in there with you.
00:20:13(screams) WHAT?!
00:20:16(laughter) Oh, god. oh!
00:20:22Welcome to the annual meeting of the national association of scaredy-cats.
00:20:30(rattle) (woman) SEAN'S GONNA LOVE THIS.
00:20:34(laughs) (rattle) (rattle) (rattle) (barking) ..
00:20:56How long have you two been married?
00:20:59(continues barking) (cheering) Okay.
00:21:05There is a zoo for humans where you can see them bickering, cuddling, scratching, belching, throwing their food around.
00:21:12We also know it as the food court at the mall.
00:21:15These next people might not be in the zoo, but they're worth a quick review.
00:21:20Sometimes a bump on a log can give you a bump on your head.
00:21:26Oh!
00:21:26(man) I GOT THAT ON VIDEO. I GOT THAT ON Video.
00:21:31(laughing) (speaks indistinctly) (woman laughs) If you'd slow down, " whoa!
00:21:52Ohh!
00:21:53(laughter) I didn't see it.
00:22:00(babbles) (babbles) (babbles) (babbles) (babbles) (babbles) (woman laughs) I love it.
00:22:20(woman) CUTE VIEW, NOEL.
00:22:22Thank you. wait. it gets better.
00:22:27You ready?
00:22:29Watch these bangs go bang.
00:22:34(thud) Ow. that hurt.
00:22:38That hurt bad.
00:22:39What paul says in here in the scriptures of the apostles, possibly sees things black and white.
00:22:44 that's all there is to it.
00:22:48Here's one revelation I could do without.
00:22:51...Is in your life with god! pow!
00:22:54Ohh!
00:22:55(laughter) (crowd speaking indistinctly) I think this batter's about to get benched.
00:23:16Ow.
00:23:19(cheers and applauseplause) Kids and pets-- they share a special bond.
00:23:22 maybe their curiosity.
00:23:25Maybe it's that neither one of them think twice about jumping on your bed and waking you from a sound sleep just 'cause they feel like playing.
00:23:34Kids and pets go hand in paw.
00:23:37Muffin doesn't have a sled, but all that training on the living room carpet paid off.
00:23:46(woman laughing) All right, are you ready to go to mommy?
00:23:57(woman) COME ON, BABY.
00:24:01(laughs) Whoa. wait. he's got your pants.
00:24:07(laughs) OH, NO.
00:24:09(laughs) NO, NO.
00:24:12What do we do?
00:24:13(squeals) Well, at least they're both in the same weight class.
00:24:20(laughter) (laughs) WHAT'S GOING ON?
00:24:43I can't breathe.
00:24:45(continues laughing) (whispers) PSST! WANNA HEAR A SECRET?
00:24:52Aah.
00:24:55Oh, lord.
00:24:59Now, kids, this is the speckled king snake.
00:25:03..
00:25:06And noses.
00:25:08OW! (cries) (woman speaks indistinctly) ♪♪ And the sand is going down my bathing suit ♪♪
00:25:18(laughter) (man) ♪♪ AND SEAMUS IS PEEING ON YOU ♪♪
00:25:24Aah!
00:25:25(woman) IS THAT ON VIDEO?
00:25:27(laughs) I HATE YOU, SEAMUS!
00:25:30♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:25:43] divorced.
00:25:44And sometimes our lives get a little crazy.
00:25:46[ Female Announcer ] MADE WITH REAL INGREDIENTS And ready in under 20 minutes.
00:25:49Stouffer's easy express helps you make a wholesome meal on any night.
00:25:52[ Mom ] DINNERTIME ABSOLUTELY HAS HELPED Us through the transition.
00:25:54[ Female Announcer ] SEE MORE OF THEIR STORY At letsfixdinner.com.
00:26:43mmm!
00:26:43-( ) this is kevin. hello.
00:26:48( stapling ) Announcer:CRISPETY, CRUNCHETY, PEANUT-BUTTERY Butterfinger.
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00:27:22Visit today.
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00:27:54(cheers and applause) Would you like to know the formula for a good practical joke?
00:28:05All right.
00:28:06It's one part fake snake and-- it's just a fake snake.
00:28:12You also need someone who's scared of snakes, but they're usually pretty easy to find.
00:28:17..
00:28:19Pretty horse.
00:28:21(woman) OH.
00:28:23..
00:28:25Don't asp, don't tell.
00:28:27I said, "hey, chris, are we goin' to the " " .. god!
00:28:37(laughter) (man) KNOCK IT OFF, BILLY.
00:28:41(laughter) His one handicapis fear of snakes.
00:28:56(man) WHAT IS IT, A SNAKE?
00:29:00(laughs) Either there's a snake in there, or he got the wrong order.
00:29:12(screams) (laughter) (woman) YOU GOT IT ON?
00:29:30Oh, it's a snake!
00:29:33Oh, my god!
00:29:34(screams) BRAD, LET IT GO! LET IT GO!
00:29:40Oh, my god.
00:29:43I got him.
00:29:44Brad, let him go! let him go, damn it!
00:29:48Don't bring him in the boat!
00:29:52(woman) I GOT THIS ON-- Turn it off. why?
00:29:55'Cause. let me see it.
00:29:57Brad! oh, that's a fake one.
00:30:01Damn you.
00:30:03If you're gonna scare a friend, you usually get the best reaction from the guy in the pink shirt.
00:30:10(man) ALL RIGHT.
00:30:12(man) YOU HAVE TO CLOSE IT UP NOW.
00:30:16All right. aah!
00:30:18(laughter) ♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:30:26it is a good thing that animals don't know how to laugh.
00:30:30Think of all the embarrassing stuff you've done in front of your pet, in the bedroom, in the bathroom, in the bedroom.
00:30:37It wouldn't help your confidence to look over and see your golden retriever snickering at you.
00:30:42Meet some folks who have enough to deal with, with just people laughing at them.
00:30:47When the ride is this short, I hope she only paid by the minute.
00:30:58(man) WATCH YOUR HANDS.
00:31:02Considering your spotter's wearing a goalie mask, you'd think he'd make a better save.
00:31:09Whoa!
00:31:11(laughter) (man) DID YOU GET IT ON TAPE? DID YOU GET It on tape?
00:31:18(laughter continues) All right.
00:31:22..
00:31:23(imitates New York accent) WHEN MY COUSIN Tony can do your tune-up for 20 bucks?
00:31:28A little farther. come on.
00:31:30(grunts) A LITTLE MORE. COME ON.
00:31:34Ho--hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.
00:31:40(bleep) Tony?
00:31:48(woman) SL-STOP. SLOW DOWN.
00:31:50Sady, he's gon' go too fast, honey.
00:31:55He's grabbing onto the bars.
00:31:57Doesn't matter.
00:31:59He's running all the way up to that point.
00:32:03You underestimate him.
00:32:05He's little, still. he's still a baby.
00:32:09He's not 5.
00:32:11(child shouting indistinctly) This isupto 5 years old. read the sign.
00:32:14N.
00:32:17Read the sign.
00:32:18I hope you got that on video, too.
00:32:21Read the sign.
00:32:23Um, sady, readthissign.
00:32:26Let me zoom in.
00:32:28" he's 2 years old.
00:32:34He's not 2. he's 20 months old.
00:32:37He's 21 months.
00:32:38 what did I tell-- oh, look, a perfect example, and I got it on video.
00:32:45(cheering) ♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:32:49humans and chimpanzees share over 98% of the same d.n.a.
00:32:54See if you can spot the missing 2% in these prime-time primates.
00:32:59(Tchaikovsky's "Chinese Dance" from "The Nutcracker" playing) (crowd speaking indistinctly) (man) HEY.
00:33:11(chittering) (woman) OH!
00:33:17(man laughs) (whimpers) (speaks indistinctly) (laughing) (laughter) (barks) (screeches) Oh!
00:34:09(laughing) ♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:34:15(cheering) ♪♪♪♪♪
00:34:56Eating right makes a big difference.
00:35:00It can make a fast guy faster and a slow guy...
00:35:05uhh... slimmer.
00:35:06PetSmart now carries more specialty brands than ever, including new grain-free, breed specific and organic formulas, to help you keep them healthy and happy at unbeatable prices!
00:35:16You could say that food matters but that...would be an understatement.
00:35:19PetSmart.
00:35:22We love to see healthy,happy pets!
00:35:26Farm sandwich.
00:35:28How 'bout a pudding cup pudding cup whose...
00:35:30Pudding cup!
00:35:30Can I get a Halloween candy? Full stash of Halloween candy.
00:35:32Going one...twice...sold, to the lady up front with the pony!
00:35:36Hillshire Farm lunch meat.
00:35:37By products are out,taste is sealed in.
00:35:56Hey.
00:35:56son: HEY MOM!
00:35:56wife: WHAT IS THIS?
00:35:57guy: IT'S A SPECIAL PASTE I INVENTED TO REPLACE Socks.
00:36:00wife: WHY?
00:36:00guy: BECAUSE WE CAN'T FIND SOCKS THAT SHAPE To our feet.
00:36:03We're sick of it!
00:36:06announcer: HANES MAKESBETTER-FITTING SOCKS.
00:36:08Guaranteed or your money back.
00:37:10♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:37:14(cheering) Have you ever wondered, if your pet could talk, what would he say?
00:37:21" or "why don't you sleep on the floor for a change"?
00:37:27" see, around here, you don't have to wonder, because our petsdotalk.
00:37:35(growls) (woman) SAY...
00:37:37(growls) I love mama.
00:37:40(growls) You love mama?
00:37:42(growls) Who?
00:37:45(growls) I love mama.
00:37:48(growls) I love mama.
00:37:51(growls) That's right.
00:37:55(laughing) (woman) YOU'RE A GOOD BOY.
00:37:59(barks) Bow wow?
00:38:02(barks) (man) I LOVE MY MAMA.
00:38:08(barking) .. I love... I love my mama.
00:38:12(continues barking) I love my mama.
00:38:15.. I love my mama.
00:38:18(continues barking) (shrilling) (continues shrilling) (high-pitched croaking) (high-pitched voice) HELLO! HEY!
00:38:47(howls) Hi.
00:38:49(howls) Hello.
00:38:52(howling) (imitates howling) Hello.
00:38:57Hey.
00:38:58(howls) Hey.
00:39:00(howling) Hello. hello.
00:39:05(howls) (cheering) Oh, yeah, we like to think we've evolved, but sometimes our animal instincts take over.
00:39:14We have feeding frenzies, we feather our nests, and when we turn 65, we fly south for the winter.
00:39:20Sometimes we all have to listen to our inner animal.
00:39:26(man) NOW THIS IS THE BLIND LEADING THE BLIND.
00:39:28Good. stay like that. you ready?
00:39:30(boy) STRIKE TWO. STRIKE THREE.
00:39:34I don't know who's up next, but dad's on deck.
00:39:38Hey, hand me a-- (woman) OH, MY GOD.
00:39:42Well, are you okay?
00:39:44(speaks indistinctly) WHAT HAPPENED?
00:39:46Some public restrooms are a little too public.
00:39:52(man) HI, DAWN.
00:39:53(laughter) Dawn.
00:39:56Aah!
00:39:59(laughs) (man) HIT HIM, MIKE! HIT HIM!
00:40:05Ah! yeah!
00:40:07(laughter) It doesn't sound like his friends are gonna bail him out of this one.
00:40:13(laughter continues) This is cold!
00:40:20Get the motor! the motor! the motor!
00:40:24(laughter) I've heard of a tractorpull, but not a tractorpop.
00:40:43Considering they don't own bathing suits, I'm not surprised they don't know much about pools.
00:40:49(man laughs) Oh! there goes the pool.
00:40:52(laughing) (man) WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT HAPPENED?
00:40:59♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:41:02yeah. oh, come here.
00:41:03(audience) AW.
00:41:04So, uh, you guys enjoying the show so far?
00:41:05Huh?
00:41:08Apparentlyyou'renot.
00:41:10 what's your favorite part?
00:41:13You know, I'm afraid you can't vote.
00:41:15You know why? you have no opposable thumbs.
00:41:18That's right. you can't-- oh, welcome back.
00:41:20You're just in time to see some really cute clips.
00:41:24Watch these.
00:41:25Presenting the world's worst watchdog.
00:41:41Reason 137 why rhinos don't make good pets.
00:41:48(brays) (laughing) (woman) ARE YOU OKAY?
00:41:53(man) YEAH, I'M FINE (laughs) Well, that was ben getting horned by a rhino.
00:41:57(man) WATCH NOW CAREFULLY.
00:41:59Watch as we approach the giant camel.
00:42:03..
00:42:03(man) IT LOOKS LIKE AN OSTRICH.
00:42:05Not very happy.
00:42:07(man) I DO NOT KNOW IF I WANT HIM IN THE Car again, to be honest with you.
00:42:12(woman) YOU GOT A BAG? (speaks indistinctly) he's got his behind to us.
00:42:18Hello!
00:42:20Thattaboy.
00:42:22(singsong voice) HERE HE COMES. HERE HE COMES.
00:42:25(normal voice) GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!
00:42:27Oh, my god. oh, my god! go! go!
00:42:31(laughs) Bye. thank you. that was a riot.
00:42:38Here, slinky. here, slinky.
00:42:45(crash) A wombat makes a great pet and a lovely throw pillow.
00:42:53(woman speaking indistinctly on TV) The show's almost over, but it's not out of gas.
00:43:06(passing gas) (laughter) ] [ Female Announcer ]New look. New day. Who knew?
00:44:13JCPenney.
00:44:17ryan, agent.
00:44:17Ryan loves to talk about how calling state farm could get you discounts up to 40%.
00:44:22And we can -- but talk to your neighbors first.
00:44:23Chances are, they're some of state farm's 40 million drivers.
00:44:26So talk to your neighbors,then call a state farm agent.
00:44:29Like me.like him.
00:44:33Y.
00:44:33Where our chtheking.
00:44:36.. is key.
00:44:39But then to ors just right.
00:44:42Four artisanal cheeses fonduta sauce that perfectly e seasoned steak medallis g du n share their duta dishes.
00:44:59At your olive garden.
00:45:18you'reletting daughter shop on her own.
00:45:21So here's yourmoment of truth, mom.
00:45:24Which 3G Networkwould you trust to run appslike Family Locator, when it matters most ?
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00:45:41Including BlackBerry devices, like the Curve for just $29.99.
00:45:45At Verizon.
00:46:42(cheers and applause) Okay, now it's time to get down to serious business and meet our three nominees.
00:46:52First, "pickup pooch," sent in by tyson and beth hoch from forest city, north carolina.
00:46:58(cheering) Standard poodle. prescription goggles.
00:47:12Meet the next challenger for the money-- "cold-blooded canine," sent in by kip prather and family from amherst, massachusetts.
00:47:20(cheering) This is what happens when you leave your dog for the weekend, " and our final nominee in tonight's contest-- "the slide rule," sent in by the sayago family from charlotte, north carolina.
00:47:43(cheering) (woman) "2 TO 5.
00:47:46" (man) HE'S 2 YEARS OLD.
00:47:51He's not 2. he's 20 months old.
00:47:53(man) HE'S 21 MONTHS.
00:47:54 what did I tell-- oh, look, perfect example, and I got it on video.
00:48:01(cheers and applause) our audience has seen the three nominees.
00:48:04IT IS TIME TO VOTENOW. (beeping) And while they vote, let's take a last look at what made tonight's show so special-- our honorable mentions.
00:48:15♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:48:17(screeches) (boing) (crowd) OH!
00:48:33(loud clank) Aah!
00:48:36(high-pitched voice) AAH!
00:48:41(loud rumbling) Aah!
00:48:44(crash) And now the results of our voting.
00:48:49..
00:48:53"Cold-blooded canine," sent in by kip prather and family from amherst, massachusetts.
00:49:01And the winner of the $10,000 ..
00:49:07"The slide rule," sent in by the sayago family from charlotte, north carolina.
00:49:14We've got sady the dad, , our little star here and mom penny. hi, penny.
00:49:21Hi.
00:49:21Let me talk to you first, because I so admire the fact ..
00:49:25(laughs) And you were trying to just tell him, just pay attention, right?
00:49:31Yes, and he never does.
00:49:33(laughing) I hear you caught it from, uh, from penny's parents later in the day.
00:49:38Uh, yeah. I'm still paying for it.
00:49:41Really? really?
00:49:42I'll be paying for this until, uh, he's 30 or 40.
00:49:45Well, $10,000 is gonna help with that, i would imagine.
00:49:48It'll pay formytherapy.
00:49:50(laughs) AND--AND HOW AREYOU?
00:49:53Yay. yay.
00:49:54Yay, yay, yay. and guess what?
00:49:56In the still paying for it department, you'll be back for our $100,000 show ..
00:50:00Thank you very much.
00:50:02AND HEY, HEY, HEY! (laughs) THERE YOU GO.
00:50:05Take care, penny.
00:50:07(cheering) Hope you've enjoyed our "favorite pets" special, thanks to the los angeles animal care center.
00:50:19See you soon and remember, if you get it on video, you could get it in cash.
00:50:25Good night, everybody.
00:50:26(cheering) >> Welcome to the "700 club", less than 2 days after congress passed the health care bill, the measure already faces challenges in court.
00:51:57At least 10 states attorney general say they will sue the federal government.
00:52:01>> That's right and lawmakers in 30 states say the bill is unconstitutional because it forces americans to buy health insurance.
00:52:11Here is reporter john jessup.
00:52:14 the president's signature -- signaling the health care battle is far from over.
00:52:26Attorneys general across the country plan to challenge the law in court.
00:52:30>> For the federal government to tell a person that they have to buy something, the constitution doesn't allow it, 10th amendment prohibits it.
00:52:43>> This isn't about politics, this is about state's rights.
00:52:48>> To them it is not only about government overreach, it is also about breaking the bank.
00:52:55>> There is no way we can still provide for education, foster care, for the incarceration of prisoners.
00:53:04>> Health care and health insurance is a matter of interstate commerce.
00:53:11It is delegated to congress in the constitution.
00:53:15This is the same argument i suspect republicans made about social security and income tax and all the political things they didn't like.
00:53:26>> Others question whether the government can force them like car insurance.
00:53:35>> Congress is trying to force you to purchase a product.
00:53:41Clearly, congress doesn't have that authority.
00:53:45>> Meanwhile republicans on capitol hill have introduced bills for repeal.
00:53:55>> This november they need to know where every member of congress stands.
00:54:01>> For now, it is focussed on the court of public opinion with planned speeches with the president across the country.
00:54:09Even though the president has won in congress, he faces new battles in the congress.
00:54:14John jessup cbn news, washington.
00:54:18>> Jay sekulow is here to discuss this.
00:54:20Do they have a case here?
00:54:22>> I think the states do.
00:54:23By the way, you are going to see upwards of 2 dozen lawsuits.
00:54:29Ideal that the commerce clause would compel you to purchase insurance you don't want, there is no constitutional basis.
00:54:40We are working on one right now, we have heard from thousands of people that say look, I don't want to be compelled to this.
00:54:50You are going to see upwards of 10,000 lawsuits.
00:54:55>> 10,000?
00:54:56>> Individual citizens will be able to bring suits.
00:54:59I am hearing from lawyers all over the country and lawsuits filed.
00:55:05>> I have heard the parallel to, you are required to have automobile insurance.
00:55:13And if you don't have automobile insurance, you have got to pay the state for uninsured coverage.
00:55:20>> Right.
00:55:21But you are getting a driver's license for that.
00:55:24Here you are getting to be an american citizen.
00:55:27You are not getting a benefit.
00:55:28This is a compelled government man date.
00:55:33If you look at our founding never did well.
00:55:38The idea that you can require because of the negative requirement clause.
00:55:46Now because of the way this bill has been drafted and signed, now the law of the land, the fact of the matter is we have to realize it is this individual mandates that go after this aggressively.
00:55:59It is the states and individual citizens.
00:56:02>> I do the commerce clause, my professor called it the big truck, everything rolled through.
00:56:10If you couldn't tie it to interstate commerce, that you had some problem as a lawyer.
00:56:15Everything could be tied to interstate commerce.
00:56:18>> That is the argument they will make.
00:56:21If the case is up there today, it would be declared unconstitutional.
00:56:27We'll bring a legal action filed in the next few weeks.
00:56:31The real aspect of this bill comes in in phases.
00:56:36By 2014 it will be in place.
00:56:38It will take that long to litigate it to the supreme court.
00:56:47If it were there today, they would find it unconstitutional.
00:56:52>> What is motivating the states here?
00:56:55To hear 30 state legislatures, I assume some are democrat, the majority, so they are coming at it, it is just for money?
00:57:04>> It is money.
00:57:06There is this federalism issue.
00:57:09The states were overridden as if they don't exist.
00:57:14Bill mccollum from florida sate they can't afford it.
00:57:20In virginia, they said this violates everything they stand for.
00:57:25Dollars on one sense, states have rights.
00:57:29>> How?
00:57:30>> They are having to fund these deficits.
00:57:33There is no way the tax base is increased on a state level to cover this.
00:57:38Then the mandates come down for the federal government.
00:57:42Whether they are right or wrong, this is a financial boone doog l for who?
00:57:47A lot of the insurance companies.
00:57:50Stocks went up?
00:57:51Why because all these people that have to be covered.
00:57:55>> Is there no public option?
00:57:58>> No.
00:58:00>> That is off?
00:58:02>> That is all off.
00:58:04>> To force a citizen to pay for a insurance with a private insurer.
00:58:10>> It has to include an abortion provision.
00:58:17It didn't adopt representative stupack's own language.
00:58:22Abortion is on 20 pages of that bill.
00:58:26First time the federal government has ever done that.
00:58:29>> Last question, can they turn this around and do something similar to what the state of hawaii did?
00:58:36Where instead of forcing individuals to buy it, force employers to provide health insurance for even part time workers?
00:58:48Doesn't that take care of the 30 million uninsured?
00:58:51>> You are absolutely correct.
00:58:53That is one of the discussions.
00:58:57Is th where this is going to go at the end of the day.
00:59:01>> Why did they go this far when they knew that option was there?
00:59:07>> This was 20 percent of the economy being taken over by the federal government.
00:59:11I said this on a broadcast i was on yesterday.
00:59:14They believe this.
00:59:15The president believes this is best for the country.
00:59:18It is in such a vain that it is a take over of 20 percent of our economy, add to the bangs and banking, the government is in control of everything.

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