Amy Schumer: Mostly Sex Stuff   View more episodes

Aired at 08:31 AM on Wednesday, May 01, 2013 (5/1/2013)      View all transcripts from this day

Transcript

00:00:12[cheers and applause] [Anya Marina'sFlintyplays] ♪ ♪
00:00:20- ♪ it doesn't go away ♪
00:00:23♪ when you're trying not to stay ♪
00:00:26- fuck yeah!
00:00:28[cheers and applause] This is such a big night for you.
00:00:34Um, but I'm celebrating.
00:00:37I finally just slept with my high school crush.
00:00:40[cheers and applause] Right?
00:00:42Thank you.
00:00:43Thank you, but I swear, now he, like, expects me to go to his graduation.
00:00:48[laughter] Like I know where I'm gonna be in three years, right?
00:00:54" slow it down.
00:00:58Fucking kids, right?
00:01:00..
00:01:01You look, like, upset.
00:01:01Like, I don't fuck kids.
00:01:03That's a joke.
00:01:04Like, I would never-- I shouldn't say never.
00:01:08That's like-- you don't know-- I feel like I just painted myself in a corner there.
00:01:13But, um, that's not a good way to start.
00:01:16This is a beautiful theater.
00:01:17I should have started off with something other than kid fucking.
00:01:20You guys are right.
00:01:22Start over.
00:01:23Class it up.
00:01:24My mom's a cunt.
00:01:25Hear me out.
00:01:27[laughter] I know, like, not everyone's comfortable with that word.
00:01:31Half of you were like, "ugh," right?
00:01:33"No, don't say that," and the other half of you were like, "oh, my god.
00:01:35" [laughter] I brought her to a soccer game 'cause I wanted to show her what boundaries looked like, you know?
00:01:46" she's like, " I'm like, "i know. I know.
00:01:53Stop calling my friends, " she's always bragging about the dumbest stuff.
00:01:59The other day she was telling me, she was like, "you know, I can still fit in my wedding dress," I was like, "oh, my god.
00:02:04Who cares?" right?
00:02:08I mean, it is weird that she's the same size now as she was when she was eight months pregnant, but I just-- [laughter] I don't think bragging's cool.
00:02:21A little about me.
00:02:22I took plan "b" about ten days ago.
00:02:24..
00:02:25[cheering] Thank you.
00:02:26Oh, my god, you guys.
00:02:28Only clap if you mean it.
00:02:30..
00:02:31I did.
00:02:32You know-- you know what it is?
00:02:33There are some people here-- it's the morning-after pill.
00:02:36I take it the night before 'cause I'm smart.
00:02:38But some people like to-- I'm with you good people.
00:02:43I believe birth begins at conception.
00:02:46So I just, like, beat that shit.
00:02:48..
00:02:51Plan bizzle.
00:02:52Who's taken it?
00:02:52Who's taken it?
00:02:55Thank you.
00:02:56Oh, sorry, a room of heroes.
00:02:58..
00:02:59[laughter] I did, I took it.
00:03:03It's over the-- I went to my normal pharmacy, I walk in, the pharmacist is like, " I'm like, "please don't " he's like, " I'm like, "no, I'm not addicted to that.
00:03:15"You guys know that.
00:03:18I only take that " ..
00:03:22They're like, " I was like, "plan 'b,'" and they were like-- they didn't even hide it.
00:03:26They were like, " I was like, "you can't-- " they're like, " " I took it, I felt fine.
00:03:41I went to yoga.
00:03:44I'm like, "can these people tell "i'm, like, mid-aborsh right now?
00:03:47.." [laughter] [hums] This is not good.
00:03:54It was easy.
00:03:56" that's how I used it.
00:04:01It's a great plan.
00:04:01Let's start with this one.
00:04:04I--i don't-- I don't think that's, like, adorable " I'm 31.
00:04:10Like, that's not cute at all.
00:04:12That's cute when you're, like, you're, like, 21, right?
00:04:16You go, you sit on your mom's bed, you cry, you're like, " I'm like, " [laughter] I do, I still think I'm 20.
00:04:27It's so gross.
00:04:29Like, every bar I go to, I show my i.d.
00:04:31They're like, " like, "wow, they're really relaxed here.
00:04:38"I hope they don't get raided.
00:04:41This place, " but the girls I grew up with, they're living normal adult lives, you know?
00:04:46So they call me now, and they're " and I still react like, " [laughter] I'm like, " [laughter] That's my favorite reality show.
00:05:03You know the showteen mom?
00:05:04Or if you're from the south,mom.
00:05:07[laughter] They don't wait, right?
00:05:12This is poor planning on my part.
00:05:14I'm kinda dizzy.
00:05:16I donated blood today.
00:05:17That's what I call getting an aids test.
00:05:22I know, that j-- people, like, hate that joke if they have aids.
00:05:26[laughter] So if you didn't laugh, get tested.
00:05:33Check it out.
00:05:37I went through a breakup this year.
00:05:39I was dating this guy.
00:05:40I walked in on him masturbating.
00:05:42Yeah, he's like, " I'm like, "uh, no, but you seem to be.
00:05:46" [laughter] I'm like, "does it owe you money?
00:05:54Why are you--" [laughter] Me and this guy, we were so different.
00:06:02I knew we were--like, he was, like, really into family.
00:06:04You know, and I mentioned my mom.
00:06:08Like, he'd never come on the road with me on the weekends 'cause he wanted to spend time with his wife.
00:06:14And I just-- I'm better.
00:06:18No, the truth is I thought he was gonna break up with me the whole time for the lamest reason: Because I wouldn't swallow.
00:06:25But I have a nut allergy.
00:06:25Like, what did he expect?
00:06:29[laughter] Stop telling us it's good for our skin.
00:06:32Fuck you guys.
00:06:34[laughter and cheering] One girl was like, " guys are so gross, right?
00:06:45Guys are gross.
00:06:48You're gross, okay?
00:06:48They're so gross.
00:06:51I had sex with a guy recently, more semen than you've ever seen in your life.
00:06:56I was like, "did you just get out of jail?
00:06:59What's--what is " " " but that's what guys want 'cause they're so gross.
00:07:11If it were up to them, we'd all look like carrie in the prom scene at the end, just, " [laughter] No girl wants that.
00:07:20We don't want that.
00:07:22We're lazier than you.
00:07:24If it were up to me, the cleanup would be me taking a q-tip going, boop, asleep.
00:07:26That's it.
00:07:29Instead I was like, " [laughter] Well, I like to watch porn.
00:11:31Like, what girls in here like porn?
00:11:32[women cheer] Thank you.
00:11:33I love it.
00:11:34All the--all the whores are in the front.
00:11:36This is the best.
00:11:40I don't like to watch the end of porn.
00:11:42I don't like to watch the end of any porn 'cause guess what happens at the end of the rainbow every time.
00:11:48Spoiler alert, he cums on her face.
00:11:51Oh!
00:11:51What an amazing choose-your-own adventure that always ends exactly the same.
00:11:59There's never a twist, right?
00:12:02He's never like-- the guy is having sex with her, and he looks off camera in her backpack, he's like, "oh, are you reading that nicholas sparks book too?
00:12:12"Oh, my god.
00:12:12What are the chances?
00:12:14Let's start a bed " no.
00:12:18He just cums on her head.
00:12:21We don't wanna see that.
00:12:22I don't want-- 'cause we think about that girl.
00:12:26Like, that poor girl, and we know, as soon as the director yells "cut," that she's just stumbling around like helen keller looking for a towel, just where-- "did you guys go to lunch?
00:12:39"This isn't cool.
00:12:42You promise this is good " [laughter] So the guy I was dating, he was, like, so lazy.
00:12:50He was one of those dudes, like, he wouldn't down on me.
00:12:52I had to become a climber every time, you know?
00:12:57Head up there, just holding on to the headboard like a nosy neighbor peeking over the fence.
00:13:02I feel like wilson fromhome improvement.
00:13:04I'm like, "hey, tool man, .." it is embarrassing up there.
00:13:16I went on a date with a guy recently, and he was, like, really hot.
00:13:19So I was pretending to be a good person, you know?
00:13:22I was saying things like, "i love kids, " [laughter] Just vague lies.
00:13:30And you have to, like, pretend like you wanna use a condom.
00:13:32I like to say something fun when I bring it up, but honest.
00:13:35I'll be like, "you're gonna wanna wear this.
00:13:37" [laughter and groans] "It's like a petri dish right now.
00:13:48I don't know " but this guy, we went out, and he was like-- you can tell when a guy dates a lot.
00:13:56He had, like, date questions.
00:13:57He was like, "if you could have lunch with anybody, living or dead, " I thought about it.
00:14:02I answered honestly, I was like, "mark twain.
00:14:04" and he goes, "pfft, amy, " [laughter] I was like, "oh, you're legit retarded.
00:14:16"That's so cute.
00:14:18I'm gonna sleep " I did.
00:14:27So I've been on the road a lot lately, and every town I go to, you have to do, like, ..
00:14:35They all ask the same questions every week.
00:14:37They ask me the same exact question.
00:14:39They're just like, "what's the hardest part about being a female comedian?
00:14:44"What is it?
00:14:44" and, like, what would you guess?
00:14:47..
00:14:48- Well, it's the rape.
00:14:50[laughter] No--but they ask-- they're just like-- and I guess it's a normal question, "is it harder for female comics?
00:15:00" and it's not.
00:15:01Like, they think we just get up here and just bleed all over the stage.
00:15:05I'm just, "oh, my ovaries.
00:15:07How do I keep them " like, it's totally not harder.
00:15:12It's harder to be a chick in general, for sure.
00:15:15That sucks.
00:15:16That's not fun.
00:15:18Right?
00:15:18Right, girls?
00:15:20No, it is.
00:15:20It sucks.
00:15:21Just in terms of laziness.
00:15:22Like, look at the guys you're here with tonight, okay?
00:15:24Some of them bangable, not all of them.
00:15:27Let's be real.
00:15:28Let's keep it honest, okay?
00:15:31But, like, what did you do to get ready, you know?
00:15:34Like, how long did it take you to get ready?
00:15:36You didn't get ready is the answer.
00:15:39Men don't-- they put on a shirt, they give themselves one of these in the mirror, they're out.
00:15:44[laughter and applause] That's it.
00:15:51And look at the shirts you guys are wearing.
00:15:52Every one of you that I can see, you could have worn that when you were a toddler on picture day.
00:15:57Every one.
00:15:57No difference, check it out.
00:16:00But look at the beautiful girls you're with.
00:16:03Look at-- it's so much work for us.
00:16:04It takes me 90 minutes to look this mediocre.
00:16:0890 Minutes.
00:16:10We are circus freaks, women, we are.
00:16:12We--we put paint on our faces like warriors.
00:16:16We're-- I'm wearing stilts.
00:16:17We wear stilts.
00:16:18We wear heels all night.
00:16:19And we put a string ..
00:16:22[imitates circus music] " we wear jewelry, shiny shit-- "look over here, " [imitates circus music] [laughter] $4;JcLVAá(,XçHçH)$UH-X-X A$A$AU,XbObO RáEúb0Ow5'N>-Xxt03P(Qr IaI THINK AS A WOMAN As you get older, you get lazier just by looking around.
00:20:34[laughter] No, I just-- I work in vegas a lot.
00:20:38That doesn't sound awesome.
00:20:42But I do stand-up in vegas a lot, and I see these packs of young girls that still have the energy, you know?
00:20:48Just a pack of girls all wearing tube dresses, right?
00:20:51And just--the heels they can't handle.
00:20:53They have to hold each other and do, like,wizard of ozwalk, ..
00:21:00They all look identical.
00:21:01It looks like a whore computer just shot out a prototype, and they just started walking.
00:21:05"Tonight, tonight's " I like seeing them at the end of the night, you know, like, it didn't work out.
00:21:15They're carrying their heels.
00:21:18They're crying their makeup off.
00:21:19It looks like they're melting.
00:21:21"Why didn't " ..
00:21:25You have puke " [laughter] It's all work.
00:21:33It's work having a vagina, that's work.
00:21:35Guys don't think that it's work, but it is.
00:21:38You think it just shows up like that to the event?
00:21:40It doesn't.
00:21:42Every night, it's like getting it ready for its firstquinceanera, believe me.
00:21:48[laughter] It's a lot of work.
00:21:51It didn't used to be work.
00:21:52I know that from watching vintage porn.
00:21:54It was no work.
00:21:57Zero.
00:21:58I even--i remember my mom bottomless when I was a kid.
00:22:02And it was just, poof!
00:22:05It looked like the black smoke monster fromlost was just following her.
00:22:09[imitates smoke monster] It's like, "is mom being swarmed by bees?
00:22:16..
00:22:20And then something happened, I don't know.
00:22:21Like, 10, 15 years ago, all the dudes got together and had, like, a meeting.
00:22:25Like a fantasy football draft about our privates.
00:22:29They were like, "we can't get in there, "it's like vietnam ..
00:22:34" and then they just came to us, and they were just like, "ladies, would you mind " and we were like, "uh, like, what do you mean?
00:22:51Just clean up the sides .." " and we were like, " so now we go, we get it done.
00:23:06We have to go get it done.
00:23:07Ugh, yeah, like, that does--she-- we go and get it done, guys.
00:23:10Like, it doesn't just happen.
00:23:11I don't care how cool your girl is, she doesn't have, like, alopecia of the crotch, it just falls out in the shape of your initials.
00:23:18That's not what happens.
00:23:23That's not how it goes down, no.
00:23:25We get it done.
00:23:27We have to go see a woman, usually from a third-world country.
00:23:33It's never from, like-- like, it's never me that comes and gets you from the waiting room.
00:23:37Like, I'll never be like, "hi, I'm ashley.
00:23:39I'm here to take care " like, no.
00:23:43That's not how it goes.
00:23:44Like, the chick who does it to me in new york, I think she's from, like, the killing fields of cambodia.
00:23:49Like, this poor woman-- I can tell, like, she has seen some shit, you know?
00:23:55[laughter] She has been through it, and she was, like, a doctor there.
00:24:02And now she does this, and she hates me.
00:24:06And she doesn't even hide it.
00:24:07I walk in, " " but she should, she should hate me because I'm like-- we're the worst-- white, entitled girls.
00:24:16I walk in chewing gum, I'm on my phone.
00:24:18..
00:24:21I'm like, "don't get any wax on my new uggs.
00:24:24" she's like, "my parents " I'm like, "i'm on the phone. what?
00:24:36But she wins.
00:24:36Like, those chicks win every time 'cause what they do, and I always forget this, they go-- she goes and gets a mirror, and she shows it to me.
00:24:45She shows me my own vagina.
00:24:48And I have to act like I'm not horrified.
00:24:52[laughter] And I'm horrified.
00:24:56It's the worst thing in the world.
00:24:58And what she's saying in that moment is, "are you happy now, you dumb bitch?
00:25:04"You just paid me to assault you.
00:25:08"And now you look like a toddler.
00:25:10Is that what-- " that's not cool.
00:25:16It's the worst thing you'll ever see in your life.
00:25:18It's red.
00:25:18It looks angry.
00:25:21It looks like an old man frowning.
00:25:23" [laughter] "Visit me!
00:25:35It's so much work.
00:25:37I think guys have it easier, I'm not sure.
00:25:40What do you guys think?
00:25:40Yeah, you do?
00:25:42Did you ever see an uncircumcised penis?
00:25:45You did?
00:25:45Did you know-- did you know you were gonna see it?
00:25:48No, it's always a fucking surprise party, right?
00:25:51[laughter] It's a big-- it's him, right?
00:25:55It's him.
00:25:57Wait, here's the funniest thing.
00:25:58I'm sorry that everyone knows about your penis now.
00:26:01But here's the best part, he's wearing a shirt " you just--nobody ever tells you, right?
00:26:07He didn't tell you.
00:26:08They don't tell you shit.
00:26:09They're just like, boom, reunited with snuffleupagus, enjoy.
00:26:13Enjoy.
00:26:16You guys are so cute.
00:26:17Why don't they tell us?
00:26:19Tell--tell me.
00:26:20We have to become award-winning actresses.
00:26:22Like, "oh, no.
00:26:22That's totally cool.
00:26:23"Mom, can you come pick me up?
00:26:27"I don't know, it's wearing, like, a hat or, like, a cape.
00:26:31Like, a brown coat " [laughter] Why don't they tell us?
00:26:36I would tell you if I had an extra flap over my clitoris.
00:26:39I'd give you a heads up.
00:26:39I would.
00:26:42[laughter] I'd be like, "you're gonna encounter a wizard, keep going.
00:26:49"Go.
00:26:51" I'd make it exciting, play the music fromzelda.
00:26:57It'd be great.
00:26:58[laughter] I hooked up with a guy one time that had no testicles.
00:27:04Count them, " you think he brought that up at dinner?
00:27:11'Cause he didn't.
00:27:11I got to find out in real time.
00:27:16It was dark in the room.
00:27:17Let me paint the romantic picture here.
00:27:20And I went right to the spot I know them to always be, no gps necessary.
00:27:27I picked up the main event and noth-- I felt like a girl learning braille.
00:27:32..
00:27:37And, like, we don't-- like, girls don't care about your balls.
00:27:40Like, no one care-- like, I would never call my sister the morning after and be like, "hey, okay.
00:27:44"So, like, the sex was lame, ..
00:27:51" no.
00:27:57But when they're not there, you miss 'em.
00:28:01They're like grandparents.
00:28:04[laughter] [cheers and applause] Thank you.
00:28:14So, yeah, the way I saw an uncircumcised penis-- I had met this guy at a bar.
00:28:19He was french.
00:28:22So I should have known, but I didn't know he was actually french.
00:28:24I thought we were both just, like, wasted and faking the accent, you know?
00:28:28So anyway, I meet this french guy and-- 'cause I don't think that's a cute accent on dudes, right?
00:28:33The french accent.
00:28:34It just--it makes my vagina shut like a steel trap, just pshh!
00:28:38I mean, thank god ..
00:28:42[laughter] My butthole.
00:28:47Oh, you knew.
00:28:48Okay, you knew.
00:28:49Um, so I went home with this french guy 'cause he said something adorable like, " so we're, like, making out.
00:29:01He was very sensual.
00:29:02He's one of those dudes, like, he srted to pick me up, and then he realized he was in over his head and I got planted back down.
00:29:10It's hard to feel sexy when a dude's winded from trying to hoist you.
00:29:15His, like, legs are shaking.
00:29:16He's, like, wiping sweat.
00:29:18I'm like, "can you just put me--" I tried to land cute like a gymnast.
00:29:22..
00:29:22[giggles] No, but I do-- but I know I have a body type.
00:29:26Like, I know, like, I'm not a twig.
00:29:28Like, if a cheerleading pyramid's being made, I know I'm a base.
00:29:32Like, I get right down-- I'm not like, "hoist me up on top "like a star tonight, you guys!
00:29:37" like, I know where I am.
00:29:39I know my body type the way guys hit on me at bars, like, when it happens.
00:29:45And it's usually my idea.
00:29:46" and they're like, " " " [laughter] But when I do get hit on, like, this guy just came up to me, and he was from, like, texas or somewhere I'm not going.
00:30:00..
00:30:03And he comes over, and he's like, "hey, I like you.
00:30:08" [laughter] " he's like, "you look like " " oh, don't I feel like the belle of the ball.
00:30:25So I'm making out with frenchinator, and, uh, he did-- he put--he like, gave up right away 'cause he's french, I guess.
00:30:32..
00:30:35[cheers and applause] Oh, my god.
00:30:36Thank you.
00:30:40So we're making out and, uh, he-- he pulled his dick out immediately.
00:30:44He must have been thinking " and I'm looking at it, I'm just like, "what-- what is that?
00:30:54"Are we having, like, a pillow fight?
00:30:56"What's-- why is the gnome from " [laughter] But, like, you can't-- guys are sensitive too.
00:31:05I couldn't do what I was, like, thinking, like-- " like, run down the five stories of his walk-up.
00:31:11I had to be, like, a team player and be l "all right, here w just, like, fighting thrhe s trying to find his actual pe-- I felt like a magician with the scarves, I' as I'm getting older, what I'm doing now is I'm just making sure I'm the best-looking one of my friends.
00:34:51It's really easy.
00:34:52I cut certain people out of my life.
00:34:55[laughter] And I now hand-select strangers off of facebook and surround myself with real trolls and reptiles.
00:35:02You should see these monsters.
00:35:04I had a friend, nikki, she kept losing weight.
00:35:06I took her out of my phone.
00:35:07Fuck her, I'm sorry.
00:35:10But there's one chick I've been friends with forever.
00:35:13Her name is sabina.
00:35:14Like, she's gorgeous, and of course she is with the name sabina.
00:35:17Like, what a white, annoying name, right?
00:35:20You have to be so hot to pull off names like that, like sabina, priscilla.
00:35:23You can't have, like, a bum knee and a lazy eye and be like, " it's like, "nice try.
00:35:31"We're gonna call you bertha, bitch.
00:35:33"But that was cute.
00:35:35" guys go crazy over her.
00:35:38I never get hit on like that.
00:35:39The only time I get hit on is last call at the bar.
00:35:43Right?
00:35:44That's when I shine, I'm telling you.
00:35:47What a weird time of night, right?
00:35:49The lights go on.
00:35:50It just feels real rape-y all of a sudden.
00:35:53Post-apocalyptic.
00:35:54Something happens to the men.
00:35:55They're just like, " like they all just start pacing like gorillas.
00:35:59[laughter] Their eyes widen.
00:36:04It looks like they can only see by heat.
00:36:06" like predator.
00:36:12I see some dude in a full blackout just walking at me, like a zombie just pointing at his own dick.
00:36:18" [laughter] I'm like, " [laughter] I know I make it sound like I'm so slutty up here, but I'm--i've only been with four people, and that was a weird night.
00:36:36[laughter] That's my business.
00:36:39Oh, it doesn't matter what you do, ladies.
00:36:42Every guy is gonna leave you for an asian woman, and you know that.
00:36:46That's right, I'm saying it in san francisco, in the hotbed.
00:36:50In the hotbed.
00:36:52I get it, I can't compete with an asian chick.
00:36:55I can't.
00:36:56They're better.
00:36:57I've been thinking about this.
00:36:57I did the math.
00:36:58I know that's their thing, but I did it.
00:37:01[laughter and applause] I've been thinking about it.
00:37:05I can't win.
00:37:07How can I compete with an asian chick?
00:37:09They're smarter.
00:37:10They have naturally silky hair.
00:37:12This jew denial took me, like, 40 minutes.
00:37:16They laugh like this 'cause they know men hate when women speak.
00:37:21[laughter] They're better.
00:37:25They're just better.
00:37:26And how do they bring it on home for the win?
00:37:29Oh, the smallest vaginas in the game.
00:37:32I can't compete with that.
00:37:34What do I have?
00:37:34What am i-- I've got a b.a.
00:37:36In theater and hpv.
00:37:38No one's buying my stock.
00:37:41I am plummeting.
00:37:44I'm going to black guys.
00:37:45That's what I'm trying to do.
00:37:47That's what I'm doing, yeah.
00:37:48I've--i can't believe I've never done it.
00:37:49I'm built for it.
00:37:50It seems weird I haven't.
00:37:52Gotta go for the black guy.
00:37:55Have you ever--black guy?
00:37:55Yeah.
00:37:56" she's like, "yes, look at my shirt, you know " how cute are you?
00:38:02You're so cute.
00:38:03You're hot.
00:38:04I'm not gay.
00:38:05I've caught a finger, but you get what I'm saying.
00:38:08[laughter] Black guys are the future.
00:38:12Some chicks are scared.
00:38:13You know what they say, "once you go black, your parents " something like that, I don't know.
00:38:18I don't know, something, like, to that effect.
00:38:21But no, this dude comes up to me, this black guy, and he was into it 'cause, come on.
00:38:26And, uh, he walks over, " " " and he had on, like, a nice shirt, and he had, like, a job.
00:38:42And I was like, " if I'm gonna do it, I wanna really do it, you know?
00:38:52Not derek.
00:38:53I want him to, like, not even have a name, just like nicknames.
00:38:55" " no job.
00:39:00We need, like, a ton of lube, but just, like, for his elbows, you know what I'm talking about?
00:39:05[laughter] Oh, that was insanely racist?
00:39:08You're right.
00:39:09You're right.
00:39:12I love joking about race.
00:39:14It's, like, my favorite.
00:39:15I was talking about this the other day.
00:39:16I was hanging out with literally all my black friend.
00:39:20..
00:39:20[laughter] And, uh, and I remember I was like, "tamambe," or whatever.
00:39:28"Ta--tapestry--" it's something wild, you know?
00:39:34It's something crazy.
00:39:35I mean, that's why they need google in the delivery room, I think, right?
00:39:38It's everywhere else.
00:39:40Why not there, right?
00:39:41So when her mom was like, I'm gonna name you " google would show up and say, " [laughter] No, tamambe.
00:39:53So I'm hanging out with tapioca and, uh-- tempura or something-- and what was she saying?
00:40:00" like, I won't do some racist impression, so don't worry.
00:40:05" [laughter] I mean, like, we were, like, ..
00:40:19And I'm just like, "stop yelling.
00:40:20" [laughter and applause] Thank you.
00:40:31Thank you.
00:40:33I'm glad you guys laughed at that.
00:40:34That does not always work, I'll be honest with you.
00:40:37I mean, nothing works 100% of the time, right?
00:40:40Except mexicans.
00:40:41I've noticed-- [laughter] That's the one?
00:40:46Boo!
00:40:46Right?
00:40:47Boo, mexicans.
00:40:49I hear ya.
00:40:49You guys are preaching to the choir.
00:41:42,Xg2 what do you guys think?
00:45:20For or against?
00:45:21Every night?
00:45:22Okay.
00:45:24I've dealt with two kinds of guys when it comes to my personal asshole.
00:45:29..
00:45:30There's the kind of guy that never acknowledges it, right?
00:45:33Like, the whole time you're together just never-- which is awesome because who needs the extra maintenance?
00:45:38Can I get what-what, ladies?
00:45:39women: WHAT-WHAT!
00:45:39[cheering] - Thanks, sister friends.
00:45:45That guy's awesome, right?
00:45:47You know what you're getting with that guy.
00:45:48And then there's the other kind of guy who goes for it immediately.
00:45:53Like, you're not even fully kissing yet, and he's trying to grab you like a bowling ball.
00:45:58" he's like, "you said " " you can't trust those guys, all right?
00:46:14So I was dating the first kind of guy, no ass play.
00:46:17Like, the sex was very vanilla.
00:46:19There was no funny business, no dirty talk.
00:46:21If I sent him a naughty photo, he would just write back, "thanks," like I sent him a fax he needed.
00:46:27Like I had forwarded him an e-vite.
00:46:32So we were together for, like, years, and one night, out of nowhere, we're at dinner, and he's like, "i'd like to talk about something.
00:46:39I'd like to talk " and I'm like, "is that a broadway show?
00:46:46"That show sounds awesome.
00:46:47" and he's like, " and as I'm asking him questions, I realize he hasn't thought it through at all.
00:46:54'Cause I was just like, " " I was like, " [laughter] This is not a brainstorm sesh here.
00:47:05Your powerpoint, buddy.
00:47:08So that night, I was like, "i'm gonna call him " I don't usually joke around in the bedroom, but I was like, " ..
00:47:17[laughter] player is gonna get it from me, so-- [laughter] So we're, like, making out, and I'm just like, "psst, where is " and like a frightened child, " and I'm like, " and he can't think--he goes, " I said "i'm not gonna answer that 'cause I'm not " uh, just some schizophrenic with a cart like, " so he can't think of any other way to stall, so this is what he does, okay?
00:48:01This is my asshole.
00:48:01This is his finger.
00:48:02He goes like this.
00:48:06And he holds it there.
00:48:08Like he was checking it for a pulse.
00:48:13Like he thought a groundhog might pop out, and he'd have to whac-a-mole it.
00:48:19And then I fist him like you wouldn't believe.
00:48:25[cheers and applause] He's dead.
00:48:33Oh, god, you guys are awesome.
00:48:35I--seriously, sometimes that goes so awkward, and during a set, I just want to, like, tap out.
00:48:39I've had this image.
00:48:41Not like a wrestling tap out, but just sort of soft-shoe out of the room in an awkward situation.
00:48:46Like, why can't we do that?
00:48:48I was working at this club, and, uh, I walked in the first night.
00:48:51And I realized at this club, there was a bathroom attendant.
00:48:54Have you ever been like, "oh, dope, a bathroom attendant works here"?
00:48:58No, you're like, " they hate you.
00:49:02You hate--you're just like, " like, you know, it's unnecessary.
00:49:05Are you ever peeing like, "how am I gonna leave here " "i don't like going " no.
00:49:14I go in the bathroom the first night and the bathroom attendant stops me at the door.
00:49:19And she's like, "uh, they're all full right now, so you're gonna " and I'm like, "yeah, yeah, " uh, like, if she hadn't said that, I was just gonna go rogue and start pounding on all the stalls, up and down with a shiv.
00:49:37" peeing in the sink.
00:49:41"I do what I want, " so unnecessary.
00:49:47So the last night I'm at this club, I go in the bathroom.
00:49:51She's, like, facing the wall.
00:49:52" I go right in the stall.
00:49:54And I'm not gonna say anything gross.
00:49:56But I'm in there just dropping a ton of heat, ..
00:50:00[laughter] Massacring this bowl, just-- I'm texting people like, " [laughter] To a lot of my family, " [laughter] That is not true.
00:50:22I went in the bathroom, peed like a normal person, wiped like a human being.
00:50:27I come out and I walk over, and, uh, she's facing the wall, and I'm like, uh-- I hear that she's crying, so I'm like, "excuse me, um, I'm about to wash my hands so you-- "you better get fucking ready.
00:50:41.." [laughter] No, she's crying.
00:50:47No, I was like, "well, what's wrong?
00:50:49"Like, is it your choices?
00:50:50.." [laughter] - No, I asked her what was wrong, and she was like, she told me, she was like, " so I was like, "i'm so sorry.
00:50:59I've been there.
00:51:00"I'm gonna go get us some shots.
00:51:01"We're gonna get weird in here tonight, okay?
00:51:04" and she goes, "it just really doesn't feel " what do you say?
00:51:13I just looked right at her ..
00:51:14[laughter and applause] But I've been really lucky.
00:54:33Like, my whole life, I found friends just like me.
00:54:35Like, at a young age, I found girls that were just like me.
00:54:38Like, we were all whores.
00:54:40You know?
00:54:41Just little drunks running around.
00:54:43But in every group of girlfriends, there's always, like, one that's the sluttiest, you know?
00:54:49And it wasn't me in my group of friends.
00:54:51"Shocker" was my nickname.
00:54:56[laughter] But, no, in my group of friends--in my-- the sluttiest of us was this girl katie.
00:55:03And, uh, we didn't judge her for that.
00:55:05But she-- she wouldn't own it.
00:55:06Like as soon as she would have a boyfriend, she'd start acting like mother teresa, you know?
00:55:11She'd, like, walk different.
00:55:13She talked differently.
00:55:14Like, I remember one time she walked over with her new boyfriend, she was like, "adam and I are thrilled " I was like, "i've helped you " [laughter] "Remember, we tried using peanut butter 'cause we're stupid, " [laughter] So she moved to connecticut and, like, was getting married, and she had a wedding shower there.
00:55:42And I was the only friend from home that could go.
00:55:44So I met all of her new, fancy connecticut friends.
00:55:47And, like, you know women like this.
00:55:49Like these girls, they were all, like, very stepford wife, you know?
00:55:52They all, like, wore, like, pastel cashmere cardigans and pearls and burberry, like, tampons.
00:56:00[laughter] And they all spoke like this, like almost in a whisper.
00:56:05Like they all were-- everybody just walked around whispering to each other.
00:56:08Like, "oh, I guess we were just born "with different vocal cords "'cause I was raised better.
00:56:13" [laughter] So I'm at this party, and I'm, like, mainlining chardonnay, trying to remember fun.
00:56:24[laughter] " so one of the girls was like, " and I'm like, "suicide pact?
00:56:32I'll go first.
00:56:35This party's " and she goes, "no, let's all go around " " so these girls are going around.
00:56:47They are--the shit they're admitting is so boring.
00:56:49I can't-- like one girl was like, "once, I forgot to let " and they were all like, " I'm like, "is this " so the girl that goes right before me, bridget, the worst human I've ever met.
00:57:07I hope she sees this.
00:57:08That's how bad of a person she is.
00:57:11[cheers and applause] Like, bridget, I hope you're watching this.
00:57:15[soft voice] But she wouldn't.
00:57:16She wouldn't be up this late.
00:57:19[normal voice] She spoke the softest.
00:57:21You had to, like, lean in and squint and read her lips 'cause she just-- [soft voice] Bridget talked like an angel wa on her tongue.
00:57:29[laughter] So anyway, she's like, "all right, you guys, it's my turn.
00:57:37" and we're like, "we're in, 'cause we have to be, 'cause you talk " [laughter] Use your diaphragm, so she's like, "i'll admit this.
00:57:48"Sometimes after richard falls asleep, I get up " I just wanted to find one other pair of eyes being like, "what a dumb cunt, " but nothing.
00:58:02No one.
00:58:03They're all looking at her like, "bridget, " [laughter] "Bridget, it's night.
00:58:10" so then it's my turn, and, uh, I don't look at my friend katie.
00:58:20I just feel her just glaring at me just like, "don't be yourself right now, bitch!
00:58:27" and so I'm like, "okay, um, first of all, bridget, thank you " [laughter] "Uh, I'll admit this.
00:58:44"It's kind of like your ice cream thing.
00:58:46..one time, I let a cab driver " [laughter] [cheers and applause] And katie's like, "that's not " I'm like, "really?
00:59:13'Cause I feel like I've won.
00:59:15I feel--" you guys, you were an amazing crowd.
00:59:18Thank you so much.
00:59:20[cheers and applause] [Anya Marina'sFlintyplays]

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