| 00:00:01 | If I finish--
IF I FINISH, I WILL [bleep].
|
| 00:00:04 | If I finish,
I WILL [bleep] IN MY PANTS.
|
| 00:00:08 | If I finish,
I will fill my abercrombie and
fitch fake number six
for a team I never played for
cutoff maroon shorts
with my own excrement.
|
| 00:00:15 | IF I FINISH, I WILL [bleep]!
|
| 00:00:18 | I'm having a fake fight with a
tv actor that doesn't know it
for the love of my wife, and I'm
GONNA [bleep] IN MY PANTS?
|
| 00:00:27 | WHAT THE [bleep]
Is wrong with me?
|
| 00:00:30 | But I love my wife, and all i
can think is, "you know what,
dude?
|
| 00:00:34 | GO AHEAD AND [bleep] HER.
|
| 00:00:37 | "
my name's greg behrendt.
|
| 00:00:41 | I love every one of you.
|
| 00:00:43 | Mwah!
|
| 00:00:44 | [cheers and applause]
Captioning byCaptionMax
www.captionmax.com3 2 F1
dane"]
[cheering]
- put your hands together for the one, the
only,
mr. dane cook!
|
| 00:04:32 | - [Cheering continues]
- what's up?
|
| 00:04:56 | - [Cheering]
- ah! whoo!
|
| 00:05:01 | - [Cheering]
- thank you guys so much.
|
| 00:05:05 | Thank you, thank you, thank you. thank you.
|
| 00:05:09 | Thank you.
|
| 00:05:10 | - [Cheering]
- let's have some fun tonight.
|
| 00:05:20 | - [Cheering]
- there's so many things,
there's so many things that I want to let
you guys
into my world about.
|
| 00:05:31 | There's so many, there's so many things--i've
grown.
|
| 00:05:36 | I have grown, man.
|
| 00:05:38 | I'm here to talk about some upgrades that
I made in my life,
some things that I'm doing differently
that are making me feel fantastic.
|
| 00:05:44 | Here's one thing.
|
| 00:05:45 | Here's one thing I haven't done in some time.
|
| 00:05:47 | It's been a long time.
|
| 00:05:48 | I haven't done this in 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 14
years,
but I'm doing it again, and I'm feeling fantastic.
|
| 00:05:57 | You know what I've been doing?
|
| 00:05:59 | I've been lying a lot lately.
|
| 00:06:02 | Ha ha ha!
|
| 00:06:04 | Oh, you, too?
|
| 00:06:06 | There is nothing like a good lie,
especially when it just works on the first
shot.
|
| 00:06:14 | You lie, the person accepts it completely,
and you walk away going,
"lie accomplished.
|
| 00:06:20 | "
I'll give you an example what happened.
|
| 00:06:26 | I was walking down the street recently.
|
| 00:06:27 | I bumped into a guy that I haven't seen
in many, many years, since back in the day,
which was a wednesday, by the way.
|
| 00:06:34 | I don't know if you know this.
|
| 00:06:35 | , fun fact, the day,
wednesday.
|
| 00:06:41 | This guy sees me,
"oh, my god. whoa. what's up, man?
|
| 00:06:44 | "
he throws a hug on me.
|
| 00:06:46 | "What's going on, brother?
|
| 00:06:48 | "I haven't seen you in so long, d.c.
|
| 00:06:50 | "
and I was a little bit excited to see him,
you know?
|
| 00:06:57 | But I turned it up a little bit.
|
| 00:06:59 | I was like, "you.
|
| 00:07:01 | "
he's like, "bro, check it out, man.
|
| 00:07:07 | "I haven't seen you in so long.
|
| 00:07:08 | "This saturday night I'm having a party,
and I want you to come to it,"
and I looked at him, and again, I didn't
want to be rude,
and why go through the whole rigmarole of
truth
where I look at him and go, "i got to tell
you.
|
| 00:07:19 | "I don't really like you that much
to come to a party,"
so instead I went with the lie,
"
"
I go, "guess where I'm gonna be saturday
night.
|
| 00:07:32 | "
"
he goes, "dude, I'm gonna let people know
you're coming.
|
| 00:07:39 | I'm gonna make some calls
"
I go, "you know what?
|
| 00:07:42 | "
[laughing]
of course saturday night comes along,
and I'm not gonna go to the party.
|
| 00:07:53 | I'm not interested in the party.
|
| 00:07:54 | He even gave me directions.
|
| 00:07:56 | He's like, "dude, let me write down
the fucking directions to my party,"
and I was like, and I said things like,
"yeah, let's see those directions.
|
| 00:08:03 | I need to be directed 'cause I need to know
"
here's the thing, too, and you know this,
when somebody gives you directions,
don't you get so anal about their directions?
|
| 00:08:13 | They give you the directions, and the entire
time driving,
you're just cutting down their directions.
|
| 00:08:19 | All right, you're like this,
"
that's fucking maroon, you idiot.
|
| 00:08:25 | [Laughing]
why is it the street you're looking for
always has a tree from the mesozoic era
growing around the sign?
|
| 00:08:35 | You're looking for, like, mount vernon,
and all you see is, like, the "n", and you
drive by going,
"that was probably it.
|
| 00:08:43 | that was probably
"
there's always the point in the directions
that they always write in parentheses,
"if you hit the train tracks, you've gone
too far,"
and right when you read that, [bump bump],
fuck.
|
| 00:08:59 | - [Cheering]
- back to the lie.
|
| 00:09:14 | Ha ha ha.
|
| 00:09:16 | I don't go to the party,
and of course, as fate would have it,
who do I see 4 or 5 days later?
|
| 00:09:23 | That guy, and here's the thing.
|
| 00:09:26 | He sees me, and he makes a beeline right
towards me, ok?
|
| 00:09:30 | why do you
call it a beeline?
|
| 00:09:33 | If it was really a beeline, wouldn't it be
this?
|
| 00:09:37 | - [Laughing and cheering]
.. he made an "i" line.
|
| 00:09:50 | That's a lowercase "i".
|
| 00:09:51 | I got the little dot on it.
|
| 00:09:52 | Uppercase he would have to do this.
|
| 00:09:57 | This has gone on way too far, way too long.
|
| 00:10:02 | He comes right up to me.
|
| 00:10:03 | Now he's disappointed, he's disgruntled,
he's another "dis" word that I don't even
know.
|
| 00:10:11 | He looks right at me and goes, "hey, hey,
"
and I'm like, I'm like, "oh, I know I'm caught
now,"
but I look at him and I got, "what's up,
"
he goes, "why didn't you come by my party,
man?
|
| 00:10:23 | "Why didn't you come by my party?
|
| 00:10:24 | "I told everybody you were going to be there,
"and I was really excited about you coming
by the party
"and so was everybody else.
|
| 00:10:29 | "My sick mother came to see you, too.
|
| 00:10:32 | "She's in a wheelchair, and it's a rusty
wheelchair.
|
| 00:10:35 | "It's not even a new one.
|
| 00:10:36 | "It's hard to even move because of the amount
of rust
"
I said to him--now, here's where i--i go
into my--
I reach into my pocket,
and I'm going to pull out another lie
because I've already started lying,
and now I just have to take this--
I have to bash my way through this whole
thing with lies,
with a lie fest.
|
| 00:11:01 | So what I do, this is what I say to him.
|
| 00:11:03 | I go, "you know what?
|
| 00:11:04 | "Oh, man, let me tell you something.
|
| 00:11:05 | "I was actually on my way to your fucking
party
and my tire flew off, and my car flipped
"
that's a key to a good lie, number-one rule:
Put your life in danger, put your life in
peril.
|
| 00:11:24 | It distracts them from their story,
and it becomes about you and your safety
at this point.
|
| 00:11:29 | They'll be like this,
"dude, dude, dude, dude, forget the party.
|
| 00:11:32 | "
I flipped into--
"it wasn't even a ravine. it was a quarry.
|
| 00:11:37 | "
"
"and you know the thing that sucked?
|
| 00:11:42 | "As I was rolling in, I was saying out loud,
"i'm not gonna make it to this party.
|
| 00:11:48 | "
ha ha.
|
| 00:11:56 | That's the key to the good lie right there.
|
| 00:11:58 | Just keep putting your life in danger.
|
| 00:11:59 | my seat belt, I had it
on,
"and due to the fire, it melted the seat
belt,
"so what was once a safety harness was now
a strap o' death
bounding me to my vehicle-like coffin, if
"
"dude, I'm just glad you're ok,"
and you think you're out of it.
|
| 00:12:19 | Now, sometimes something bad happens.
|
| 00:12:22 | The person knows you're lying.
|
| 00:12:25 | Sometimes they're hearing you,
and they've already got the truth in my mind,
and that sucks when they call you out.
|
| 00:12:30 | you
flipped into a ravine?
|
| 00:12:35 | "You know what, dude?
|
| 00:12:36 | "I drove by your house that night.
|
| 00:12:38 | "I thought, maybe I'll go, for old time's
sake,
"i'll drive with d.c.
|
| 00:12:41 | "I'll give him a ride. and you know what?
|
| 00:12:43 | "I went up your front lawn and I went through
your bushes,
"and I looked in your fucking window,
"
ha ha.
|
| 00:12:57 | "I saw you on your couch.
|
| 00:12:59 | "
now, it's at this point you know you're caught,
but instead of just admitting that you've
lied,
instead of just tapping out and going,
"
what do we all do?
|
| 00:13:13 | You get angry at that person.
|
| 00:13:15 | You get angry, and you start lying more.
|
| 00:13:19 | You say, "oh, really?
|
| 00:13:21 | "Is that what you did? you came by?
|
| 00:13:23 | "You looked in my bushes,
"and you supposedly saw me watching tv?
|
| 00:13:28 | "Well, you know, what you don't know is
"i have a fucking hologram of me watching
tv
"to thwart criminals from breaking in,
so they look in and go,
"
- [cheering]
- so screw you, bucko.
|
| 00:13:46 | - [Cheering]
- ha ha.
|
| 00:15:26 | You are different from you,
and you are trying to forgetabout work,♪♪♪♪
|
| 00:15:29 | [ Piano ]
while you are workinglate again,
and you miss your kids,
and you miss the waves,
and you want to share,♪♪♪♪ [ Pop ]
and you want to think,
and you are trying to remember,
and you are trying to forget,
and you have come to realizethat you don't
needto get a phone,
you need a phone that gets you.
|
| 00:15:51 | And you. And you.
|
| 00:15:53 | And we are HTC.
|
| 00:18:03 | We're all gonna do 3 things, ok?
|
| 00:18:05 | We have 3 things that we all share.
|
| 00:18:06 | We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry,
and we're all gonna take painful shits.
|
| 00:18:13 | Doesn't matter who you are in this room.
|
| 00:18:14 | I can look out right now, I see all you guys,
happy faces.
|
| 00:18:19 | - [Cheering]
- happy people, and yet, pretty soon, maybe
tomorrow,
..
|
| 00:18:31 | - [Laughing]
- and here's the thing,
there's those times when you need to cry.
|
| 00:18:35 | I'm talking about a real cry.
|
| 00:18:38 | I'm talking about you need to open up your
soul
and have a weepathon.
|
| 00:18:44 | And usually you don't even know it's coming.
|
| 00:18:46 | It'll start to hit you at work one day,
and you'll just be at work,
and you'll not really understand why you're
feeling
the way you're feeling.
|
| 00:18:51 | You're just walking around in kind of a haze.
|
| 00:18:55 | People talk to you and you're not expecting
anyone to even communicate with you,
so when they tap you, you're like,
"
but you don't know.
|
| 00:19:08 | You don't realize that you need to cry.
|
| 00:19:10 | All the weight of the world is on your shoulders,
maybe family issues,
maybe something to do with your relationship,
whatever it is,
you're heavy, but you're walking around that
job,
and sometimes you don't cry,
but you do, like, those pre-cry breaths.
|
| 00:19:24 | You're talking to somebody, you're like,
"well, I don't think the copy machine's working
because--
staccato breath]"
- [laughing]
- "it was workingstaccato [stacato breath]
"
somebody goes, "are you all right?
|
| 00:19:45 | "
"no, I'm not going to cry.
|
| 00:19:48 | "I'm just concerned about the toner in this
machine
"and it not being refilled.
|
| 00:19:54 | [Staccato breath]"
"i have asthma, but it's kind of a strobelike
asthma.
|
| 00:20:00 | [Staccato breath]"
- [laughing]
- and you're wondering, "what is wrong with
me?
|
| 00:20:07 | "What is happening?
|
| 00:20:08 | "
and then you get a tap on your shoulder,
a tap,
and when you finally turn around, who's behind
you?
|
| 00:20:16 | The world.
|
| 00:20:18 | The world, right on your shoulder, going,
"hi. hey. what's up?
|
| 00:20:25 | "I don't know if we've met, but I'm the fucking
world,
"and I just want to let you know something.
|
| 00:20:33 | "
you're like, "thanks, world,"
and, you know, that's what I need to do.
|
| 00:20:41 | I need to go home today, and I need to cry,
but you got to hold it in.
|
| 00:20:45 | The entire day you're holding it, you're
thinking,
"when I get home today, oh, I'm doing it.
|
| 00:20:49 | "
even on the drive home you think,
"maybe I'll cry a little on the drive home.
|
| 00:20:54 | "
but you don't.
|
| 00:20:58 | You can never cry in your car because as
you're driving,
you always think that your car is,
like, the center of the universe, right?
|
| 00:21:04 | Everyone's looking at your car.
|
| 00:21:05 | If you're crying, people are going to be
like,
blue honda, dude was crying like
a--
"did you see that? turn around.
|
| 00:21:14 | "
"
- [laughing]
"
so you don't cry in the car,
so you get home and you know that you're
just gonna unload,
and it sucks when you live with people,
maybe you live with your family or roommates,
and you're hoping, right, nobody's home.
|
| 00:21:35 | You're really praying that nobody's there
because the second you come in that door,
you're ready to collapse into tears,
it's like a test,
right?
|
| 00:21:43 | You come in the door, you're like,
"
you get those 3 seconds of silence,
the "it's ok to cry" silence, 3, 2, 1,
and you just go [sobbing],
and you fall right against the couch [sobbing],
and you cry fucking hard, too, right?
|
| 00:22:11 | [Sobbing]
then as you're crying what happens is
it starts to feel good that you're crying
like that,
and what you do is you latch onto one phrase
that you just repeat over and over again,
just something that means something to you.
|
| 00:22:25 | You're like, "i did my best. I did my best.
|
| 00:22:28 | "I did my best. I did my fucking best.
|
| 00:22:33 | "I did my--did my best. I did my best.
|
| 00:22:38 | "I did my best. I did my best.
|
| 00:22:41 | .."
and then you think you hear somebody coming
in.
|
| 00:22:46 | "
[sobbing]
now you're face is leaking many different
fluids,
and you're almost so fascinated that you're
crying
that you want to cry harder, so what do you
do?
|
| 00:23:03 | You start thinking of shit that makes you
really sad,
like ninth grade when laura didn't invite
you to the fucking party
but she invited everybody else in school.
|
| 00:23:12 | You're like, "why didn't she invite me?
|
| 00:23:15 | "Why did she invite everybody but me?
|
| 00:23:18 | "
[sobbing]
now you're crying so hard you do that thing
where
you have to get up and go to the mirror
and watch yourself cry.
|
| 00:23:32 | .."
[grunting]
fuck!
|
| 00:23:48 | [Crying and grunting]
you just cry, and you don't know how long
it's gonna last.
|
| 00:24:01 | you could cry
all day.
|
| 00:24:05 | One time I cried so long I checked my e-mails,
I brushed my teeth mid-cry.
|
| 00:24:12 | [Sobbing]
you know what's really weird?
|
| 00:24:16 | You notice that the phone always rings when
you're crying,
and what's really strange is you answer it.
|
| 00:24:23 | You answer it,
even though you don't want the world to know
you're crying.
|
| 00:24:27 | You still pick up the phone, and I think
it's because
subconsciously you're reaching out.
|
| 00:24:32 | You want somebody to help you, so you pick
up your phone,
you pick it up,
"
[gasp]
"hey, what's up, dude? what's going on?
|
| 00:24:43 | "
and then the person who calls,
they just start saying the things
that really touch your heart.
|
| 00:24:53 | "Listen, um, I don't want to keep you,
"but I don't know, man,
"i just want to call and let you know
you did your
"
"
"oh, and by the way,
"i just want to let you know I talked to
laura
"from ninth grade. remember her?
|
| 00:25:08 | And she says that she regrets not inviting
"
- [laughing]
I was just thinking about
"
do not talk to your mother and father when
you're crying
because what happens is
your mom has the ability to make you weep
even more,
and your dad makes you feel like a fucking
idiot.
|
| 00:25:37 | Your mom just knows just the way to touch
your heart, right?
|
| 00:25:40 | You're talking to your mom, be like, "hey,
"
"how is--hello. how is my baby angel?
|
| 00:25:45 | "How is my baby?
|
| 00:25:48 | "
"yeah, I'm just-- I don't know, mom.
|
| 00:25:53 | "I'm having kind of--
people at work are being a little weird lately,
"
"well, you know what? they're jealous.
|
| 00:26:00 | "They're jealous of you, dane. they're jealous.
|
| 00:26:03 | "Those people are lost souls, and they want
what you have, ok?
|
| 00:26:09 | "You know who your best friend is?
|
| 00:26:13 | "
"
"thanks, mom.
|
| 00:26:20 | "
"
"don't do that!" your dad gets on.
|
| 00:26:27 | "Hey. what's going on?
|
| 00:26:29 | "
"uh, ahem, I'm just having a tough day, you
"
you're having a tough fucking
day?
|
| 00:26:38 | "I was in korea.
|
| 00:26:40 | - [Laughter]
- "i'm having a tough life.
|
| 00:26:44 | "You don't even know the amount of tears
that I could cry.
|
| 00:26:46 | "I could grow crops with my tears.
|
| 00:26:49 | "Now, take your dress off and end this little
tea party.
|
| 00:26:53 | "No one gives a fuck if you're sad in this
world.
|
| 00:26:57 | "
"
"by the way, I didn't even want to have you.
|
| 00:27:04 | I just thought you should
know that.
|
| 00:27:07 | "You were a mistake.
|
| 00:27:09 | "That's what happens when you get drunk on
cape cod.
|
| 00:27:11 | "
- [cheering]
- ha ha ha.
|
| 00:32:15 | I do think it is incredible the way sometimes
you will find yourself in those situations
where you just don't know how to deal with
what's happening,
where you don't even know how to deal with
the information
I'll tell you this,
ok?
|
| 00:32:27 | Recently something happened,
and it's amazing the way sometimes
just a little lint ball,
a little ball of lint can turn into a cluster
fuck,
an entire cluster fuck,
and that's not a candy bar, I'll tell you
that right now.
|
| 00:32:43 | ..
|
| 00:32:49 | Full of peanuts and fuck,
nougaty fuck.
|
| 00:32:55 | What? all right.
|
| 00:32:56 | I'm standing beside
this guy.
|
| 00:33:00 | This entire thing starts off with a sneeze.
|
| 00:33:02 | A sneeze started this entire situation off,
ok?
|
| 00:33:06 | I don't know
this man.
|
| 00:33:08 | I've never met him before in my life or in
a past life.
|
| 00:33:11 | I can sense this.
|
| 00:33:13 | Standing next to this man, never met him
before,
he turns towards me, and he sneezes like
this,
"
he actually did, like, the robot from '85.
|
| 00:33:27 | "
yeah, he turns towards me, and he sneezed,
and there was no blockage.
|
| 00:33:39 | There was no hand or the mouth.
|
| 00:33:41 | There was no bury in the arm.
|
| 00:33:42 | There was no, the thing where you try to
make somebody run away
like you're about to turn into a werewolf.
|
| 00:33:47 | .."
nothing.
|
| 00:33:52 | "
two things happened.
|
| 00:34:00 | First of all, it scared the ever livin' out
of me, ok?
|
| 00:34:04 | I jumped because it was very audible, very
loud.
|
| 00:34:08 | But besides that,
just the way the light was hitting this guy's
face,
debris came out.
|
| 00:34:15 | A wad of stuff, almost like when you use
windex
and you put it on mist mode, you know, mist
mode?
|
| 00:34:22 | As opposed to what is that other mode, laser
mode?
|
| 00:34:24 | Does anybody even use that?
|
| 00:34:26 | Is that in case you want to mount a sniper
scope
..
|
| 00:34:32 | I am taking
the shot.
|
| 00:34:38 | "Uh, ah. negative. I missed.
|
| 00:34:40 | "I missed the target. I need one more.
|
| 00:34:43 | "
I'm going to tell you right now,
please, when you use the windex bottle,
never put that shit halfway.
|
| 00:34:53 | Always make sure it's lined up.
|
| 00:34:56 | There's no joke here. don't do that.
|
| 00:34:59 | Bad things happen to good people.
|
| 00:35:03 | I know somebody here is going to go home
tonight and go,
"hold on. I got to try this shit.
|
| 00:35:08 | "Hold on one second.
|
| 00:35:09 | "What happens if you don't line it up?
|
| 00:35:11 | "
what if when you did that, a fucking ghost
came out of it?
|
| 00:35:16 | [Laughing]
"
[laughing]
"
[laughing]
- [cheering]
- he sneezed, debris, movement.
|
| 00:35:52 | Ok, now, at this point I'm disgusted,
and I'm grossed out, ok?
|
| 00:35:55 | I'm grossed out by it, and at first I think,
"i'm going to go off on this guy,"
and then I decided, "wait a second, dane.
|
| 00:36:00 | "Don't do that. take the high road.
|
| 00:36:02 | Try to be polite,"
so I turn to him, and this is what I said.
|
| 00:36:05 | "
yeah.
|
| 00:36:12 | I said it like that,
I said like that, "god bless you,"
which, you know, is god bless you,
but it kind of sounded like, "cover your
"
- [cheering]
- yeah, incognito.
|
| 00:36:28 | I turned to the guy--i say "god bless you,"
by the way,
when someone sneezes.
|
| 00:36:32 | "
I don't say that because I'm not the lord.
|
| 00:36:38 | I can't do that.
|
| 00:36:43 | I'm just a messenger for big guns upstairs,
you know what I'm saying?
|
| 00:36:49 | Ha ha ha.
|
| 00:36:51 | And I never go with gesundheit.
|
| 00:36:53 | I don't know who even says that.
|
| 00:36:54 | If I say gesundheit, I feel like I'm honoring
hitler,
"
I end up on the history channel because the
guy sneezed.
|
| 00:37:07 | "
this is what the guy comes back with, ok?
|
| 00:37:09 | Here's where it starts to get out of control.
|
| 00:37:11 | Guy looks at me, and very condescending,
he goes,
"
I'm trying to be
polite.
|
| 00:37:25 | I don't know you're an atheist, right?
|
| 00:37:26 | And even if I did,
what am I supposed to say when an atheist
sneezes?
|
| 00:37:29 | "
- [cheering]
- so, now--oh, man--now I start getting into,
like,
a religious debate with this guy, and it
is awful, ok?
|
| 00:37:53 | He's questioning my beliefs.
|
| 00:37:54 | what did
"
"
I was raised catholic.
|
| 00:38:00 | - [Cheering]
- ah, peace be with you, and also with you.
|
| 00:38:08 | Lift up your hearts.
|
| 00:38:09 | Ding a ding a ding a ding.
|
| 00:38:12 | - [Cheering]
- as I'm telling him about my religious background,
he's laughing at me. he is laughing at me.
|
| 00:38:22 | He's giggling. he's like, "you believe this?
|
| 00:38:24 | "
now, for his own entertainment, he says to
me,
"let me ask you this.
|
| 00:38:32 | What do you believe happens to you after
"
and I said, "uh, ok, well, hopefully I live
a good life,
"and my soul goes to heaven, and when I get
there,
all my ancestors will be waiting for me like
"
"hey, what's up? guess who's dead, sucker!
|
| 00:38:50 | "Ha ha ha, come here. come here.
|
| 00:38:52 | "
I'm telling him this, he's laughing even
more.
|
| 00:39:00 | He is so condescending.
|
| 00:39:01 | He's so snarky with his fucking attitude.
|
| 00:39:04 | Yeah, snarky. it's a word.
|
| 00:39:05 | Google that shit. it exists.
|
| 00:39:07 | I'm not kidding. snarky, great word.
|
| 00:39:10 | Google magic, my friends,
and just in case you're wondering,
I do keep my keyboard right at my lips.
|
| 00:39:15 | you're like,
"
that's because for the spacebar,
"
that saves time.
|
| 00:39:24 | "To whom it may concern,"
and I kiss unless it's an aggressive letter,
I head butt the space
bar.
|
| 00:39:29 | I have a pad on there.
|
| 00:39:30 | "
so he's laughing at my beliefs, and finally
I just snap back,
ok, what about you, all
right?
|
| 00:39:42 | "What happens to you? you're an atheist.
|
| 00:39:44 | "What does that mean?
|
| 00:39:45 | "
now he gets very serious like he's gonna
school me, ok?
|
| 00:39:49 | He looks, he goes, "oh, I can tell you, young
man.
|
| 00:39:52 | "I can tell you.
|
| 00:39:52 | "I know what's going to happen to me after
I die.
|
| 00:39:55 | "After I pass on, my body will become one
with this earth.
|
| 00:40:00 | "From there I will become fertilizer for
this planet,
and with that I will return as a huge beautiful
"
that's what this guy believes.
|
| 00:40:12 | He's laughing at me,
he's gonna come back as a fucking ficus,
and I'm--yeah! yeah!
|
| 00:40:19 | Johnny weeping willow over here.
|
| 00:40:24 | I wanted to slam this guy so bad for this,
right,
but then I stopped.
|
| 00:40:29 | I stopped, you guys. please hear me out.
|
| 00:40:31 | I let it sink in, and I want you to, as well.
|
| 00:40:34 | I hope when he dies he does become a tree.
|
| 00:40:36 | I hope he's in the middle of the wilderness,
and he's doing his tree thing, whatever it
is trees do.
|
| 00:40:42 | I know they do a lot of work with breezes.
|
| 00:40:46 | And wouldn't it be fantastic if while he
was out there
just enjoying his treeness
through the woods a huge sweaty guy with
an ax comes along,
sees him, chops him down, smash, put a chain
around him,
drag him through the mud and the muck,
throw him into a sawmill, grind him up,
[screeching],
then you pound him down into paper, and once
he's paper,
you print the bible on him.
|
| 00:41:12 | - [Laughing and cheering]
- I enjoy talking to you about this
because these are stories
that you can pass on to your children.
|
| 00:41:40 | - Thank you.
|
| 00:41:41 | - I look forward to it someday, maybe having
some kids.
|
| 00:41:44 | I'd like to have kids.
|
| 00:41:44 | I've like to have 19 kids someday.
|
| 00:41:46 | - [Cheering]
ooh, there's some eggs dropping in
here tonight.
|
| 00:41:52 | - [Cheering]
- ha ha ha.
|
| 00:41:56 | - I want 19 kids.
|
| 00:41:57 | I want my wife's vagina to look like stargate
when I'm done.
|
| 00:42:01 | - [Laughing]
- kids just materializing out of it.
|
| 00:42:05 | "Hello. cut this. please, cut this.
|
| 00:42:07 | "
like my dad in many ways except for one,
something my dad did growing up
that it warped my brain for years,
changed the course of my life.
|
| 00:47:03 | My dad used to wear a robe.
|
| 00:47:08 | I don't know if your dads wore robes,
but here's what drove me banana sandwich
about this robe, ok?
|
| 00:47:16 | Ok, he had one robe, one robe, not a bunch
of robes.
|
| 00:47:22 | "Oh, dad, you're wearing the red--"
one robe, and he wore it every day,
and here's the thing that we all hated in
my family
about the robe.
|
| 00:47:31 | First of all, it came down to here.
|
| 00:47:34 | Yeah.
|
| 00:47:36 | It was like a cocktail dress robe.
|
| 00:47:42 | And it was so old, it wasn't even fabric.
|
| 00:47:44 | It as made of, like, wheat and items that
he found in korea
that he fashioned together.
|
| 00:47:51 | The belt was a dead snake.
|
| 00:47:56 | My dad was wearing this robe one day--i'll
never forget this.
|
| 00:47:59 | just a little
chap.
|
| 00:48:03 | I'll never forget.
|
| 00:48:04 | We're laying on the couch together.
|
| 00:48:05 | It's one saturday morning, me and my dad,
and he finally looked over at me and goes,
"hey, little guy.
|
| 00:48:10 | "
and I said, "i'm good, dad. I'm good.
|
| 00:48:16 | "
and he said, "it's good to see you, there,
bucko.
|
| 00:48:20 | how you feeling this
morning?
|
| 00:48:23 | you getting a little
"
I said, "yeah, I'm hungry.
|
| 00:48:27 | "
"well, what are you thinking about?
|
| 00:48:33 | "What are you craving?
|
| 00:48:34 | "
"
and just so you guys know,
I had a very itchy eye when I was younger.
|
| 00:48:41 | Yes, I did.
|
| 00:48:41 | We had cats, and I think the dander fucked
up my eye,
so this was very itchy. don't be concerned.
|
| 00:48:47 | It was like a hive on my lid, doesn't matter.
|
| 00:48:52 | So my dad goes, "i'm gonna go get you some
cereal,"
and then just the way he went to get off
..
|
| 00:48:59 | The robe opened like a show is about to begin.
|
| 00:49:04 | [Sings 20th century fox theme]
and he wasn't wearing any underwear on this
day,
and I saw everything,
and before this day I had never seen anything
except my own setup, you know?
|
| 00:49:21 | And I had a very simple plan going on, you
know?
|
| 00:49:24 | I had basic cable, if you know what I'm saying,
but he had the premier holy shit package.
|
| 00:49:32 | There was, oh!
|
| 00:49:33 | He had, like, cities and a downtown area.
|
| 00:49:36 | There was a wizard on a hilltop shooting
lightning.
|
| 00:49:40 | Ah ha ha!
|
| 00:49:41 | it was
weird.
|
| 00:49:47 | And I looked at it for a moment, and then
I tried to look away,
but I was drawn to it,
and sometimes you do a double take.
|
| 00:49:54 | I did, like, a fucking 12-take.
|
| 00:49:55 | I was like, "uh, ooh, no, wait, get out.
|
| 00:49:56 | "
I could not stop.
|
| 00:50:02 | My dad quickly realized what happened, and
he covered up,
but the damage was done.
|
| 00:50:09 | We were standing there, father and son at
a crossroads of life,
just looking at one another,
and I will never forget, you guys,
what my dad said to this very day.
|
| 00:50:20 | Quote, unquote, he finally took a long breath,
and then he said to me, "someday all this
"
- [laughing and cheering]
- he was very encouraging, an encouraging
guy.
|
| 00:50:46 | That's the key, encouragement.
|
| 00:50:47 | You got to get behind your kids, whatever
it is they want to do,
and there is something that happened to me
when I was 18 years old,
and my life took a strange direction just
for a little bit
because I realized, you know what?
|
| 00:50:58 | There's something I want to be with my life
that's not the norm.
|
| 00:51:01 | There's something that's off the beaten path.
|
| 00:51:03 | I want to be a fucking criminal.
|
| 00:51:07 | I'm not kidding, you guys.
|
| 00:51:08 | I wanted to do crimes.
|
| 00:51:11 | I woke up one day, 18 years old,
I said--i had a craving,
and I said, "you know what I have to do?
|
| 00:51:16 | "
I'm doing a b&e,"
and if you're looking at me going,
"
although I could always do bacon and
eggs.
|
| 00:51:27 | That's fucking delicious.
|
| 00:51:30 | Who doesn't want to do a bacon and egg special?
|
| 00:51:33 | I'm talking about a b&e, breaking and entering,
and I wanted to do one, yes.
|
| 00:51:39 | Ah, fans of crime.
|
| 00:51:41 | - [Cheering]
- I made the decision.
|
| 00:51:44 | I called my buddy robert.
|
| 00:51:45 | I called robert up because when you do a
b&e,
you need an accomplice,
and the key is you always need to bring somebody
with you
who does not want to go.
|
| 00:51:54 | They have to hassle you the whole time
and make it difficult to enjoy the b&e.
|
| 00:51:57 | I called robert, I go, "hey, dude, check
it out, bro.
|
| 00:52:00 | "
"
and I said, "i need you to drive and come
with me.
|
| 00:52:09 | "
and he goes like this,
whatever you're thinking of doing, dane,
"
I said, "dude, you come over, pick me up
right now,
"or our fucking friendship is over forever!
|
| 00:52:24 | "I will not even talk to you in the next
"
click. robert comes over.
|
| 00:52:30 | Next thing you know, we're in the car.
|
| 00:52:32 | I say, "drive around the community.
|
| 00:52:33 | I want to find the perfect house to do my
"
and the whole time driving, he's like,
why would you even
"
it's a quest,
"
you're gonna get in some fucking trouble,
"
"i know. I'm looking for trouble.
|
| 00:52:53 | "
we looked around.
|
| 00:52:57 | nope, that one feels weird,"
and then I finally saw it. boom!
|
| 00:53:02 | That's the house right there, robert.
|
| 00:53:04 | That's the house I'm doing a b&e," and he
looked at me,
"
"i don't know what that means, but I'm doing
"
he pulls about 16 blocks away from the target
because you always have to park way too fucking
far,
and then you have to go through backyards,
right?
|
| 00:53:29 | You have to go, you have to hop over, you
it's part of the fun, right?
|
| 00:53:33 | And you always have to get caught
on that one chain link fence where you're
like,
"fuck--what the fuck, dude?
|
| 00:53:38 | My fuckin' shir--dude, this is my favorite
"
"well, you shouldn't be wearing your favorite
shirt
"on a fuckin' b&e.
|
| 00:53:46 | "
now we get up to the house, ok?
|
| 00:53:53 | We get to the house, and there it is right
in front of me.
|
| 00:53:55 | I'm not gonna lie to you guys,
my heart was boomba boombabiddybaba, right?
|
| 00:53:59 | that's what
that is.
|
| 00:54:02 | my hands were
a little clammy,
and I start walking up that walkway.
|
| 00:54:08 | I'm ready to do it.
|
| 00:54:09 | I'm going right through that fucking front
door.
|
| 00:54:11 | I turn back to robert.
|
| 00:54:12 | "
dude, I hear
"
and I said, "yeah. the world is full of them.
|
| 00:54:25 | "You're going to hear a lot of them for the
rest of your life.
|
| 00:54:30 | "If you hear a humpback whale, that's weird.
|
| 00:54:32 | "
I'm 3 steps away,
right?
|
| 00:54:42 | My heart is racing.
|
| 00:54:43 | I stop
for a second.
|
| 00:54:47 | I don't know if
"
"
boom!
|
| 00:54:52 | And I kicked that fuckin' door off its hinges.
|
| 00:54:54 | That door flew into the darkness of that
home.
|
| 00:54:58 | Whew, whew, whew!
|
| 00:54:59 | And I felt fantastic, but here's what happened.
|
| 00:55:04 | The second my foot connected, ahh, and that
door flew in,
I took two steps into that house,
and I realized at that very moment
I did not want to do a b&e.
|
| 00:55:16 | No.
|
| 00:55:17 | I just wanted to kick a door in.
|
| 00:55:23 | I was still so jazzed up about the door kick,
there was a closet right there,
boo, I kicked that shit in.
|
| 00:55:29 | Whoo! I had to.
|
| 00:55:33 | And then I turned to robert, and I go like
this,
"
" and
we left.
|
| 00:55:44 | We cheesed it out of there. I left.
|
| 00:55:47 | I tell you guys right now, I never took anything.
|
| 00:55:49 | I took two steps in, did the two door kicks,
and I fuckin' booked,
but I have to be honest with you right now.
|
| 00:55:56 | From time to time I would think about it,
and even now today I think about it, and
you know what?
|
| 00:56:00 | We should have stolen some shit.
|
| 00:56:04 | Yeah.
|
| 00:56:04 | No, no, not because it's cool to steal or
anything like that,
because I start thinking about that family.
|
| 00:56:08 | I think psychologically what I have done
to this family.
|
| 00:56:13 | You follow me?
|
| 00:56:15 | They're going to come home, right, after
a long night.
|
| 00:56:18 | They're having some dinner,
and they see that their front door has been
kicked in,
and husband, wife, young adopted son david,
"
and the father always has to get angry out
of love at the family.
|
| 00:56:33 | I said, wait,
"
and you know he went in that house and he
looked around,
and you know that family, ever few months
for years,
from time to time, whatever it is that they're
doing,
they would just stop, stop and look at each
other
I want
to know!
|
| 00:57:02 | "What the fuck did they take from this house?
|
| 00:57:05 | "If we can't figure it out this year, I want
a divorce.
|
| 00:57:09 | "I want a divorce.
|
| 00:57:12 | "And why'd he kick that closet door off?
|
| 00:57:14 | "There's not even a locking mechanism on
there.
|
| 00:57:16 | "
that just fucked them up psychologically.
|
| 00:57:23 | You know, like even the batteries on the
remote died,
and they're like, "do you think they took
the batteries?
|
| 00:57:27 | "Do you think that's it?
|
| 00:57:28 | "They replaced the good batteries
"with shitty, half-assed batteries.
|
| 00:57:31 | "Do you think that's it?
|
| 00:57:32 | I want to know, or I want a divorce,
"
thingyou
morning.
|
| 00:59:48 | And the last thingyou see at night.♪♪♪♪ [
Piano ]
It stresses you out.♪♪♪♪ [ Pop ]
It calms you down.
|
| 00:59:55 | It helps you remember.
|
| 00:59:58 | It helps you forget.
|
| 01:00:00 | It keeps you connected.
|
| 01:00:01 | It's the only thingyou own that is alwayswithin
an arm's reach.
|
| 01:00:06 | Which is why youdon't need to get a phone.
|
| 01:00:08 | You need a phone that gets you.
|
| 01:00:11 | And you. And you.
|
| 01:00:14 | And we are HTC.
|
| 01:00:32 | HL]uw].k:v.ÑkóZWÑÑWwÑwó]P
That m must have driven thatily crazy.
|
| 01:01:25 | If nothing else, you know what I should have
done?
|
| 01:01:27 | Broken in and at least left something
that wasn't there before, you know?
|
| 01:01:31 | That would help.
|
| 01:01:32 | They'd be, "nothing seems to be missing,
.."
I start thinking
about it going,
"you know what I should have done?
|
| 01:01:44 | I should have staked out that house,
and every few weeks I should have waited
till that family went out to dinner or a
movie
or whatever it is,
and I should have gotten out of my car, went
up on that porch,
"
they come home, the husband's like,
"another fucking door. what is going on?
|
| 01:02:01 | "That is the ninth goddamn door this year.
|
| 01:02:04 | "
now he's trying to fuck with me, right?
|
| 01:02:07 | "
HE PUTS BEADS THIS TIME, 1970s BEADS.
|
| 01:02:11 | Well, what do I do?
|
| 01:02:12 | I run up there when they leave, [heavy breathing],
and I run away again.
|
| 01:02:17 | Husband comes home, "the fuckin' beads!
|
| 01:02:19 | he stole the fuckin'
beads!
|
| 01:02:23 | "He's probably watching us right now.
|
| 01:02:25 | "Are you watching?
|
| 01:02:27 | "Are you watching, door kicker?
|
| 01:02:28 | "Are you happy?
|
| 01:02:29 | "Are you--do you see what you're doing to
my life?
|
| 01:02:33 | "Aah! I want a divorce 'cause of you!
|
| 01:02:39 | [Sobbing]
"i did my best!
|
| 01:02:44 | "
- [cheering]
- "are you watching, door kicker?
|
| 01:02:53 | "I am!
|
| 01:02:53 | "He stole the beads! he stole the beads!
|
| 01:02:58 | "
- [cheering]
- it sucks when you're in the wrong relationship.
|
| 01:03:14 | What's that, brother?
|
| 01:03:15 | - [Speaking indistinctly]
- are you a fan of the red sox?
|
| 01:03:19 | - Who's in your mouth?
|
| 01:03:21 | - What's your name, big guy?
|
| 01:03:22 | - Jake.
|
| 01:03:23 | - Ja--
- jake!
|
| 01:03:25 | - Jay?
|
| 01:03:26 | - Jake-uh!
|
| 01:03:27 | - Jake-uh? jake, hold on.
|
| 01:03:29 | Take a look at all these 18,000 people.
|
| 01:03:32 | - I love it!
|
| 01:03:33 | - Say hello.
|
| 01:03:33 | - As long as they're red sox fans, they're
my friends.
|
| 01:03:37 | - You have sent--
- [cheering]
- you have showed these people that aa is
not a bad idea,
and I want you to know that.
|
| 01:03:46 | You've inspired lives.
|
| 01:03:48 | - [Speaking indistinctly]
"
- we might play that in a little bit.
|
| 01:03:54 | Oh, it was nice to meet you, too, bro.
|
| 01:03:56 | Wait. where are you going, dude?
|
| 01:03:58 | We were having a great conversation.
|
| 01:04:00 | I'm kidding. go.
|
| 01:04:02 | - [Cheering]
- that's jake-uh.
|
| 01:04:11 | Hold on a sec.
|
| 01:04:13 | - [Cheering]
- hey, jake. hey, jake. jake!
|
| 01:04:21 | It was good to see you, bro.
|
| 01:04:23 | - You, too.
|
| 01:04:25 | - [Cheering]
fuckin' call
me, bro.
|
| 01:04:39 | How dare you just walk away?
|
| 01:04:41 | - [Cheering]
- that's jake-uh! that's jake-uh!
|
| 01:04:52 | all right, here we
go.
|
| 01:04:57 | - [Cheering]
- ha ha ha.
|
| 01:05:11 | Got to find that right person. it is brutal.
|
| 01:05:11 | It really is.
|
| 01:05:14 | When you're in the wrong rel-- if you're
in a relationship,
when you're with somebody awful, I call that
a relationshit.
|
| 01:05:20 | - [Cheering]
you're with that person,
start arguing about nothing, right?
|
| 01:05:32 | That's the thing.
|
| 01:05:33 | ..
|
| 01:05:36 | - [Cheering]
- you're trying to find things to argue over
because we can never just be adult and look
at each other
and go, "hey, you know what? hey, come here.
|
| 01:05:43 | we're fuckin' over,
aren't we?
|
| 01:05:48 | I'll go this
way.
|
| 01:05:50 | "
instead you're like,
"let me just stick around for 5 or 6 years,
"and then we can end this thing violently.
|
| 01:05:57 | "
girls, you'll stay in a relationship for
years
with a guy that you don't even like,
and you make the weirdest excuses to stay.
|
| 01:06:06 | your friends will
be like,
"lisa, why don't you just go? lisa, seriously.
|
| 01:06:11 | "Lisa, we're here 'cause we're concerned
about you,
we want you to just
"
all right, you're like, "i can't just go.
|
| 01:06:18 | it's not that easy,
ok?
|
| 01:06:20 | Like, you guys think I can just go.
|
| 01:06:22 | "It's not that simple, all right?
|
| 01:06:24 | MY CDs ARE IN HIS TRUCK."
- [Cheering]
- ha ha ha.
|
| 01:06:34 | So you start fighting,
start fighting over the weirdest things,
right?
|
| 01:06:38 | Just weird stuff, right?
|
| 01:06:39 | "Honey, honey, why don't you put the fuckin'
DVDs IN ORDER
So I can find "uncle buck" the second I want
to watch it?
|
| 01:06:46 | This shit's all scrambled up because you're
a fuckin' retard.
|
| 01:06:49 | Why don't you put these in order? in order!
|
| 01:06:52 | Now, fight me for 3 days 'cause I'm bored,"
and you get into it, man. you get into it.
|
| 01:07:00 | The battle has begun, and let me say this,
when you're in that kind of fight,
when you're in that kind of conflict, men
and women,
we want two different things.
|
| 01:07:08 | We have two different destinations during
that fight.
|
| 01:07:11 | Girls, I'm going to tell you what guys want
right now.
|
| 01:07:13 | This is our goal during the fight.
|
| 01:07:15 | We want to make you cry.
|
| 01:07:19 | not a lot of crying,
not that heavy weeping, no, 'cause that's
obnoxious.
|
| 01:07:25 | Knock it off. no.
|
| 01:07:28 | Just that little tear, that one little one
tear,
the one you try to hide by going,
"
the second we see that little glistening
tear,
I'm the
winner.
|
| 01:07:41 | "Go call your mom and talk for 4 hours.
|
| 01:07:43 | "
we get our headset on.
|
| 01:07:48 | I just made my chick
cry.
|
| 01:07:51 | "
that's what we want, instant gratification.
|
| 01:11:34 | If we can make you cry, we feel like a winner.
|
| 01:11:36 | Now, let me tell you something.
|
| 01:11:37 | 9%
of all fights.
|
| 01:11:42 | - [Cheering]
- yup, yup, and I'll tell you why right now.
|
| 01:11:48 | Here it is. because you are mental terrorists.
|
| 01:11:52 | - [Laughing and cheering]
- you are brain ninjas,
and you know how to get in there with your
katana
and just cut us and disappear into the night.
|
| 01:12:08 | I'm gonna tell you right now, this is how
they do it, guys.
|
| 01:12:11 | I'm gonna help you so you know when it's
coming next time
and you know how to maybe
try to stop this encounter from happening.
|
| 01:12:17 | you're in the
fight, ok?
|
| 01:12:20 | It's going back and forth.
|
| 01:12:21 | She's preparing to say a comment, ok?
|
| 01:12:24 | She's got a comment on tap that she's gonna
say,
and it's the tiniest--it's just a little
tic-tac-sized comment,
but this is a fucking detonator, and she's
gonna say it,
and it's gonna go deep into your cerebellum,
and it's gonna sit there,
and at some point 3 days later, 30 days later,
it's gonna explode, rotting you from within.
|
| 01:12:47 | I'm telling you right now.
|
| 01:12:49 | She's gonna say this comment,
and here's when you know it's coming.
|
| 01:12:51 | Physically I can show you when it's coming
right now.
|
| 01:12:54 | This is the physical movement that she's
going to give to you.
|
| 01:12:57 | If you're saying, "dane, how do I know?
|
| 01:12:59 | "
here's when it's gonna happen.
|
| 01:13:01 | During the argument there's gonna be a point
where she's gonna stop and change her game
up.
|
| 01:13:06 | The minute she starts agreeing
with everything you're fucking saying, look
out.
|
| 01:13:15 | You are in trouble, ok?
|
| 01:13:16 | And I'll show you physically what's gonna
happen.
|
| 01:13:18 | You're gonna see her leg do this.
|
| 01:13:23 | The moment her leg lock like this,
you've just driven into fuckville, and she's
the mayor.
|
| 01:13:34 | So she's locked.
|
| 01:13:37 | they're loving
it.
|
| 01:13:40 | - [Cheering]
- now, at this point,
she's going to start agreeing with everything
you're saying,
and that's bad.
|
| 01:13:47 | The moment you start hearing her go,
"you know what? you're absolutely right.
|
| 01:13:50 | "You're absolutely right, and I didn't even
know.
|
| 01:13:52 | "Why would I even know because you're the
czar of right,
"and we're all just floating in a sea of
wrong
as you go by in your ship of right.
|
| 01:13:59 | throw me a lifeline
so I know.
|
| 01:14:03 | I don't even know if I'm right
about this.
|
| 01:14:05 | "I could be wrong about right now, but you
know.
|
| 01:14:07 | Why don't you tell me if I'm right right
"
the minute she starts hitting
you with that,
you better be prepared,
'cause there is a fucking torpedo in the
water,
and it's coming to get you.
|
| 01:14:23 | Ok, so physically here's what she's gonna
do.
|
| 01:14:25 | She's gonna lock the leg,
and then after she's done with her little,
"you're right, you're right,"
she's gonna do something with her hand, with
her arm,
and it's always different,
but it involves touching her own face
and then doing some kind of windshield wiper
movement.
|
| 01:14:41 | Ha ha ha!
|
| 01:14:43 | She's gonna vary it up.
|
| 01:14:44 | It's gonna be something like this.
|
| 01:14:45 | "
and look for this. that's bad.
|
| 01:14:53 | "
she's gonna
pivot her body.
|
| 01:15:01 | She's gonna pivot, and then she's gonna take
3 to 5 steps,
3 to 5, 3 to 5, and she's gonna slow down,
she's gonna cock her head to the left,
she's gonna say the comment.
|
| 01:15:17 | She's gonna say the comment, and here's the
thing,
there'll be no emphasis. it'll be very subtle.
|
| 01:15:21 | It'll almost be a whisper, and why is that?
|
| 01:15:23 | To make you listen.
|
| 01:15:26 | And it is gonna be a destroyer of worlds.
|
| 01:15:29 | she does
the thing, "mm-hmm,"
she's gonna turn, and then she's gonna go
like this,
"
- [laughing]
[cheering]
- ha ha ha.
|
| 01:15:54 | And at first that means nothing.
|
| 01:15:56 | you say--you walk
away,
what does that
even mean?
|
| 01:16:02 | "
we have no idea that you just fuckin' ninja'd
our brain.
|
| 01:16:09 | We're gonna be in the basement
40 minutes from then just pacing,
and it's gonna slowly start to seep in.
|
| 01:16:15 | We're pacing back and forth thinking about
it.
|
| 01:16:16 | "Ha ha ha. ha ha ha. stupid like your father.
|
| 01:16:21 | [heavy breathing]
you don't even
"
phbbt. explosion.
|
| 01:16:33 | Now we're starting to spiral down,
and so it's at this point we need to fucking
fight some more,
so what do we do? we come looking for you.
|
| 01:16:41 | We come looking,
and we can't even remember the layout of
our own house.
|
| 01:16:45 | We're like, "where the fuck do I live?
|
| 01:16:47 | "
when we finally find you, you're always in
the kitchen.
|
| 01:16:54 | You're in the kitchen, and you're feeling
victorious,
and you're sitting there eating some oodles
of noodles,
and here's the mistake that we make as guys.
|
| 01:17:05 | On the way to the fuckin' kitchen,
we didn't come up with anything to say.
|
| 01:17:14 | We have no dialogue prepared,
and that's the first mistake
because then when we get in there right away,
what do we default to?
|
| 01:17:24 | We swear a lot more, we get louder,
and we point out the obvious, right?
|
| 01:17:27 | We come in, "oh, yeah, you just gonna eat
fuckin' noodles?
|
| 01:17:30 | Is that what you're gonna fuckin' do,
just eat fuckin' noodles on your ass?
|
| 01:17:32 | You just gonna sit there, "uhhh".
|
| 01:17:35 | You're gonna fuckin'--
yeah? gonna eat fuckin' noodles all day?
|
| 01:17:37 | Is that what you're gonna do, eat them fuckin'
noodles?
|
| 01:17:39 | Yeah, well, who bought the fuckin' noodles?
|
| 01:17:41 | Who bought the fuckin' noodles?
|
| 01:17:44 | Just tell me who bought the noodles
and I'll leave you alone!
|
| 01:17:46 | I bought the fuckin'
noodles.
|
| 01:17:49 | Enjoy my fuckin' noodles
that I fuckin' bought every box, mine!
|
| 01:17:53 | I fuckin' bought them, and you know what?
|
| 01:17:55 | I fuckin' love noodles, and I've loved them
my whole life.
|
| 01:17:59 | you know why
I love them?
|
| 01:18:01 | Because when I was a little boy,
my dad used to buy me all the fuckin' noodles
I wanted.
|
| 01:18:05 | He bought me all the noodles--
if I said, "daddy, I want some noodles,"
he fuckin' bought them, and you know why
he bought them?
|
| 01:18:10 | "
- [cheering]
"
that's the last thing we always have to say
when we leave,
"you don't even know.
|
| 01:18:26 | "You don't even-- you don't even know.
|
| 01:18:30 | "
- [laughing]
- oh, and then you have that makeup sex.
|
| 01:18:40 | You know that makeup sex. ooh.
|
| 01:18:42 | - [Cheering]
- right, guys? you put on a viking hat.
|
| 01:18:49 | tell me who the warden
"
"
"
you're shanking
me.
|
| 01:19:06 | You're shanking me with your shanklike cock
"
- [yelling]
L]uw].k:v.ÑkóZWÑÑWwÑwó]P
- Let me tell you something.
|
| 01:24:48 | Recently I was walking down the street,
I see this couple.
|
| 01:24:51 | They're about 80 years old, ok?
|
| 01:24:54 | And they stop me on the street,
and they said, "young man, young man,
would you please take a photo of my wife
"
and I could just see that their connection
that they had,
it was unlike anything that I'd ever seen
before,
and honestly, it was something that I wanted
in my life,
and I said, I said, "i would love to take
your photo,"
edward was the man's
name.
|
| 01:25:16 | I got to know them a little, edward and phyllis,
and I said,
"well, listen, edward and phyllis,
this is gonna
be a great photo,"
and it was in celebration on this day 55
years
that they'd been together, 55.
|
| 01:25:30 | So I said, "hey, hey, you two, you lovebirds,
"
and when I told them to get close,
without any kind of obligation or feeling
forced,
edward immediately put his arm around phyllis,
and he pulled her in close,
and she looked up at him like they were 16
years old.
|
| 01:25:46 | She was glowing, looking up at edward, and
then I said,
"i'm gonna give you a countdown.
|
| 01:25:50 | 3, 2, 1, Gonna take the picture, just so
you can be ready,"
and I hit it.
|
| 01:25:53 | I said, "3, 2," and before I hit one,
edward snuck a kiss on her cheek.
|
| 01:26:00 | I know. I was there.
|
| 01:26:03 | And you know what I said?
|
| 01:26:04 | "
"3, 2, 1," he snuck the kiss,
and of course she lit up like the fourth
of july,
and it was wonderful.
|
| 01:26:14 | Edward came over to get the camera,
and I was just inspired because I'd never
seen a love like that,
"
"
I go, "you know, 55 years,
I can't make a relationship last 55 minutes,"
and I go, "what is the key?
|
| 01:26:32 | can you give
"
and I'll never forget.
|
| 01:26:36 | He leaned in, he put his hand right here
on my neck
and pulled me in close,
and he said, "i'll tell you, son.
|
| 01:26:41 | "
and he looked back at phyllis, and he looked
at me,
and he goes, "cheat.
|
| 01:26:50 | "
- [laughing and cheering]
- ha ha. oh, some of you are not clapping.
|
| 01:27:05 | You say, "no, dane, that is not the right
"
listen, it sucks. it sucks.
|
| 01:27:12 | I got cheated
on, ok?
|
| 01:27:14 | I mean, I'm talk--i was literally cheated
on.
|
| 01:27:16 | I woke up, and they were on top of me doing
it.
|
| 01:27:19 | I was like, "oh, no, this can't be,"
so I was literally cheated on,
but I'll tell you something right now.
|
| 01:27:31 | I'm telling you, no matter what--
even the message I just gave you, don't cheat.
|
| 01:27:36 | I'm telling you right now you can't cheat
because here's the thing.
|
| 01:27:41 | When you cheat, that shit comes back to get
you.
|
| 01:27:46 | It comes back.
|
| 01:27:47 | It's a vicious circle, and it comes.
|
| 01:27:49 | It's like the movie "ghost"
when those black demons come up out of the
ground.
|
| 01:27:54 | [Screeching]
I'm gonna tell you right now, I cheated.
|
| 01:27:59 | I was 20 years old. I cheated on this girl.
|
| 01:28:01 | I'll never cheat again after what I experienced.
|
| 01:28:04 | The horrific--i'm telling you, dude, listen.
|
| 01:28:09 | That dude's cheating right now.
|
| 01:28:11 | He's with the girl that he's having a cheat
fest with.
|
| 01:28:15 | You need to shut your lips and learn.
|
| 01:28:17 | - [Laughing and cheering]
- here's the thing. you cheat, ok?
|
| 01:28:27 | You go, you cheat, you do your cheat thing,
you have all the crazy sex, do all your thing--
do all the things that you can't do, bionic
seahorse.
|
| 01:28:36 | I know. I get it.
|
| 01:28:40 | Ha ha ha.
|
| 01:28:42 | And immediately, immediately on that ride
home,
it starts to seep in, right?
|
| 01:28:47 | I've been
there.
|
| 01:28:50 | You're driving home,
keep looking at your eyes in that rearview
mirror.
|
| 01:28:55 | No radio.
|
| 01:28:55 | You're in the complete silence,
just thinking about what you did,
and finally you turn that mirror away
because you don't even want to look at yourself.
|
| 01:29:03 | it turns back
on its own.
|
| 01:29:09 | You're just driving, and, by the way,
I know this is the worst pantomime
in the history of driving. look at this.
|
| 01:29:14 | do you see
this?
|
| 01:29:20 | [Squealing]
this is more realistic,
but it's just not as aesthetically pleasing
to the eye.
|
| 01:29:29 | Ok, I drive a fuckin' forklift just for the
sake of the joke.
|
| 01:29:32 | I just want to do this.
|
| 01:29:35 | The worst is, too, you ever cheat
and you get the person that has the glitter?
|
| 01:29:38 | Sometimes the girls wear the glitter,
and that shit gets on you.
|
| 01:29:43 | They've marked you,
and the whole ride home you're trying to
pick that shit off
like you just--looks like you just fucked
a pixie.
|
| 01:29:50 | - [Laughing]
- and now it gets really pathetic, right?
|
| 01:29:56 | Because if you live with a person like i
did,
you have to sneak into your own house.
|
| 01:30:01 | That's your place, and yet you're creeping
up that walkway,
and you've isolated the one key.
|
| 01:30:08 | You always isolate,
and then you grip the rest of the keys.
|
| 01:30:12 | You know, at that point you're like,
"why do I have so many fuckin' keys?
|
| 01:30:17 | "I use two, and I have 10 keys!
|
| 01:30:21 | In my sleep did I murder a janitor and steal
"
I digress, so you've got your key,
and you have to sneak in, right?
|
| 01:30:32 | And here's the thing, you put that key in
that lock,
and here's the thing,
your lock was never louder than on this night,
right?
|
| 01:30:41 | It's like somebody put your lock in stereo.
|
| 01:30:44 | Trying to be quiet, it's like, [scraping].
|
| 01:30:50 | One of your neighbors is like, "shut that
"
"
[scraping]
and then you open up the door just enough,
whatever the size you are, that's how much
you open it up,
and you just kind of magician your way in.
|
| 01:31:09 | You just houdini your way right into your
own house.
|
| 01:31:15 | Sneak in, close that door.
|
| 01:31:17 | Here's the worst. we had hardwood floors.
|
| 01:31:21 | - [Cheering]
those floors suck for cheating
because they taunt you, right?
|
| 01:31:28 | They're so old every step you take it's like
"cheater.
|
| 01:31:36 | "Liar.
|
| 01:31:39 | "
"shut up, floor. I will buy you a rug.
|
| 01:31:45 | "
"
"
now what do you do?
|
| 01:31:52 | You got to sneak right into the shower.
|
| 01:31:54 | That's the first thing.
|
| 01:31:55 | You get into that shower,
you start washing off your balls
like you're gonna put them up for auction
on ebay, right?
|
| 01:32:01 | You do the triangle scrub,
1-2-top. 1-2-top. pantene pro-v, splat.
|
| 01:32:07 | 1-2-Top.
|
| 01:32:12 | you come out, and there
they are.
|
| 01:32:15 | They're laying in bad waiting for you sound
asleep,
and the goal is you have to get into that
bed
without making any movements, without waking
them whatsoever.
|
| 01:32:26 | You get up to that bed, you lift that sheet
up,
you don't even want to touch that bed.
|
| 01:32:30 | ..
|
| 01:32:35 | Ha ha ha.
|
| 01:32:36 | You try to float gently like a piece of paper,
but of course they wake up.
|
| 01:32:43 | They're gonna wake up on that night.
|
| 01:32:44 | Any other night you can run in, dive-bomb,
fart, aaah! nothing.
|
| 01:32:49 | But on this night, they wake up violently.
|
| 01:32:53 | They're like, "[grunting,]" right?
|
| 01:32:58 | So she wakes up, and she looks right at me,
and of course at this point they call you,
like,
the most amazing nickname
that you don't want to hear at that point.
|
| 01:33:06 | All right?
|
| 01:33:07 | "
- [laughing]
"
perfect is
"
then they start looking at the time.
|
| 01:33:25 | "Oh, oh, baby, it's 4:30.
|
| 01:33:31 | "
- [laughing]
- "i know.
|
| 01:33:39 | I know. I know, baby.
|
| 01:33:41 | "
"
and of course, again, 'cause we're guys,
we didn't think of a good enough excuse,
so we start patching shit together right
there.
|
| 01:33:55 | "Where was i? whew, baby, I was lost.
|
| 01:34:02 | "
"
"because they changed all the roads.
|
| 01:34:15 | The city is trying a new road system, and
I was driving like,
" it was--it
took me so far away,"
and you know how they're so out of it
because they're tired that they kind of start
agreeing
with whatever you're saying, right?
|
| 01:34:32 | "Oh, I thought I heard something on the news
"
you did hear that,
"
"oh, then when are they gonna change the
"
that's why
I'm so late.
|
| 01:34:55 | "I had to help them fix the fuckin' roads.
|
| 01:34:58 | "I found the foreman, and I put a hat on.
|
| 01:35:00 | "
"i'm just happy that you're home and that
"
and you think at this point,
"i did it. I got away with it. I cheated.
|
| 01:35:09 | I deceived,"
and you think that's gonna make you feel
better,
but it's not, because here's what's gonna
happen next.
|
| 01:35:19 | Here's where the entire thing comes and blows
up in your face.
|
| 01:35:22 | The weird part is you cheated, right?
|
| 01:35:25 | You cheated, you're the cheater,
and yet you become insecure and suspicious
of them.
|
| 01:35:33 | You start getting all paranoid and shit when
your girl's like,
"hey, baby, I'm just gonna go to the mall
"
"oh, yeah? at 4:00 in the fuckin' afternoon?
|
| 01:35:41 | "What the fuck is going on?
|
| 01:35:43 | let me listen
on this one.
|
| 01:35:46 | "
"
"
with whose dick are you washing
your car?
|
| 01:35:53 | you don't wash
"
you start becoming paranoid, right?
|
| 01:36:02 | Every little thing becomes, like, a clue,
right?
|
| 01:36:06 | You start going through the other person's
shit,
open up your girl's purse.
|
| 01:36:09 | There's fuckin' loose change in there.
|
| 01:36:10 | You're like, "what is this, you fuckin' whore?
|
| 01:36:13 | "
you always go through their stuff,
and that's the thing is, guys, we get so
paranoid,
we think that when we open our girl's purse,
like, we start getting nervous,
like his cock's gonna be in there. right?
|
| 01:36:27 | Like, "i knew it. I knew this.
|
| 01:36:31 | [Moan]"
cheat. can't cheat, man.
|
| 01:40:52 | You got to support each other,
do things together that are exciting, fun.
|
| 01:40:55 | Everything's finally back to normal
when one of you says to the other one,
"hey, you know what we should do tonight?
|
| 01:41:00 | "
that's when everything's ok.
|
| 01:41:03 | The other one looks, and all of a sudden
it's like
that's the most exciting thing they've ever
heard.
|
| 01:41:07 | "[Gasp] oh, my god, yes.
|
| 01:41:10 | Let's go online and see what's playing locally,"
and to me, here's the thing, I love the movies.
|
| 01:41:16 | I don't even call them the movies.
|
| 01:41:17 | I call them cinematic adventures.
|
| 01:41:20 | - [Cheering]
- when I go to the movies,
let me tell you something about me,
I'm one of those people, when I'm at the
movies,
I get so into it that I talk to the screen.
|
| 01:41:33 | I can't help it. I talk a lot.
|
| 01:41:36 | No, no, I'm telling you right now,
I talk so much the black people behind me
"
- [laughing]
"
that's a lot of talking.
|
| 01:41:54 | You go to the movies, right?
|
| 01:41:56 | And the second you get in there,
you're excited to be at the movies together.
|
| 01:41:59 | You go in, right, get our tickets,
go through the lobby right there, right?
|
| 01:42:06 | You're going through the lobby,
and then, guys, we always stop, right?
|
| 01:42:08 | We try to be gentlemen. we stop.
|
| 01:42:09 | Girls do the same thing. we stop.
|
| 01:42:11 | We point over to all the snack foods,
all the candies, and we say, "hey, baby.
|
| 01:42:15 | do you want
"
and, girls, do the same thing.
|
| 01:42:22 | .."
- [laughing]
- "no. no, I'm still full from bennigans.
|
| 01:42:30 | "
- [cheering]
oh, my
lord.
|
| 01:42:40 | Who doesn't love that sampler?
|
| 01:42:43 | But we ask you again, "baby, are you sure?
|
| 01:42:45 | "
...no."
[laughing]
you get into the theater, even just getting
into the theater,
picking out your seats becomes, like, an
adventure together.
|
| 01:43:00 | "
"
"do you want to sit up close to the front,
or do--the middle?
|
| 01:43:05 | "Let's do the middle. chase me to the middle.
|
| 01:43:07 | "
ha ha! then you get down.
|
| 01:43:11 | You always have to check out the seats and
have a discussion
about how great the fuckin' seats are.
|
| 01:43:16 | You're sitting in the seats,
you're like, "wow, these are awesome seats.
|
| 01:43:19 | These are so comfortable.
|
| 01:43:21 | Oh, this goes up! look at this!
|
| 01:43:23 | It's a cup holder, or you can blow me if
"
- [laughing and cheering]
you can't see
me.
|
| 01:43:34 | "I'm in quarantine. I'm in quarantine.
|
| 01:43:36 | "
you're sitting there getting comfortable--
oh, and here's a little something
I came up with
something.
|
| 01:43:44 | I give it to you guys right now.
|
| 01:43:45 | This will only work every, maybe, 4 or 5
years.
|
| 01:43:49 | Somebody will set you up for this perfectly,
here's what
you do.
|
| 01:43:53 | You're sitting there, and the person right
behind you,
you're gonna hear their feet start going,
[scraping],
and then they're gonna say to the person
they're with,
they're gonna go,
they're so
"
that's when you go like this, go, "i just
"
- [laughing]
- that's great.
|
| 01:44:16 | "
- [cheering]
- [mouthing]
oh, it's a blasty blast. you got to try it.
|
| 01:44:26 | So now we're sitting there,
and we're ready for the cinematic adventure
to begin,
and of course something happens to you girls,
some kind of pungent deliciousness
is wafting through the air,
and it floats up into your nostrils,
and then you just turn to us out of the blue,
you're like,
"
we're almost a little put off because we
just--"oh, ok.
|
| 01:44:52 | "
"i didn't want anything then, but now I want
something.
|
| 01:44:57 | "
"ok, stop doing that. people around us.
|
| 01:45:06 | "
I love this, girls, you always have to ask
this, right,
'cause we're gonna go get whatever it is
because we offer.
|
| 01:45:15 | We're like, "hey, I'll go get it.
|
| 01:45:16 | "
that's what we say, and there's always a
long pause,
and then you finally go, "um, what do they
"
"they've got a fuckin' maine lobster.
|
| 01:45:30 | What do you think they have out there?
|
| 01:45:31 | They have the same bullshit they've had since
'55,
"
no, your girl gets specific.
|
| 01:45:41 | I want to get some gummy fish
"and do they have those chocolate coins in
the aluminum?
|
| 01:45:50 | "And an icee in a bamboo cup--
"the bamboo, 'cause it's not as cold on my
hands.
|
| 01:45:56 | "Oh, and you know the cheese that comes with
the nachos?
|
| 01:45:59 | "Just the cheese. no, I don't need the nachos.
|
| 01:46:03 | "
"
"oh, no, no.
|
| 01:46:12 | "My hopes was that after we left the theater
you would be obese.
|
| 01:46:16 | Are you sure you don't want anything else,
"
- [cheering]
- "i wish my grandmother would die right
now
"so I could get the inheritance money to
pay for all this.
|
| 01:46:30 | "
now, you get up, and we all have to do the
thing
where you pass by the people,
excuse
"
and you hate having to do that, and I know
you're like me.
|
| 01:46:44 | You're having a mini panic attack,
and you always have to look.
|
| 01:46:48 | You always have to look back
because I know you're thinking what I am,
that one of those times as you pass by,
somebody's gonna pull out a giant dildo
and shove it up your ass.
|
| 01:46:57 | I know! me, too! me, too!
|
| 01:47:00 | "No, no, not today. not today. not today.
|
| 01:47:05 | "
so now we hustle up to the guy at the--"hey.
|
| 01:47:12 | What's up? hi.
|
| 01:47:15 | "Could i, yeah, could I order the gummy fish,
"and do you have those chocolate--nah, never
mind.
|
| 01:47:22 | "I'll take an icee and a nacho, you know
the cheese?
|
| 01:47:25 | "Just the fuckin' cheese, please.
|
| 01:47:28 | "No, I don't need the nachos.
|
| 01:47:29 | "I'll just take the, just the cheese.
|
| 01:47:30 | you can keep the
nachos.
|
| 01:47:33 | "
now, I love this question. I love this question.
|
| 01:47:38 | The guy's gonna look at you and he's gonna
go,
"
"uh, no, I would like to make 9 trips back
and forth
of course I want
"
but they're not gonna give you a box.
|
| 01:47:52 | What they give you is not legally a box.
|
| 01:47:54 | A box is rigid and has weight distribution.
|
| 01:47:57 | This thing that he fuckin' unfolds and puts
everything in,
I feel like I'm carrying all my items in
a diaper.
|
| 01:48:04 | I'm carrying a diaper of goodies.
|
| 01:48:08 | Ha ha ha!
|
| 01:52:47 | We get back into the theater,
and guys know this. something happens, girls.
|
| 01:52:50 | We can never remember where we reside in
the theater.
|
| 01:52:54 | We don't know where the fuck our seats are
anymore,
so now we're standing.
|
| 01:52:59 | If the movie's started,
we're just standing in the dark scared and
alone.
|
| 01:53:07 | We just keep looking around,
and not only is it dark because the movie
has started,
but the first 15 minutes of the movie
are, like, a fuckin' cave scene.
|
| 01:53:14 | All right, the first half hour takes place
on the dark side of the moon,
so you're just standing there going,
"can they just do a flashback to a beach
"
you're standing in the dark
trying to evolve into a higher species.
|
| 01:53:27 | You're trying to, like, become catlike.
|
| 01:53:29 | "If I open my eyes super wide,
"
the person in that first seat right next
to you
is always just starting up at you really
pissed off, too.
|
| 01:53:42 | "This guy won't sit. would you please sit?
|
| 01:53:46 | "I have a cockeye, and all I see is you and
your flimsy box.
|
| 01:53:50 | "
now you're getting to the point
where you have to make sound effects and
shit.
|
| 01:53:55 | "
finally get back to your seat, and you're
angry.
|
| 01:54:05 | You've been standing over in the dark for
5 minutes
and finally go by everybody.
|
| 01:54:09 | You have that quick silent argument where,
"i was fuckin' standin' right over there.
|
| 01:54:13 | "Now, fuckin' take the fuckin' icee.
|
| 01:54:15 | just put it right--"
and the person behind you always gives you
a shush.
|
| 01:54:18 | They go, "shhh!" and it's not just a shush.
|
| 01:54:22 | It's like the most profe--
like they went to shush school, right?
|
| 01:54:24 | It's like the best shush, like, "shhhush!
|
| 01:54:29 | "
and you just snap, like,
"fuck your mother. fuck your mother.
|
| 01:54:36 | "
"
"
- [laughing]
you get situated,
and I'll say this, man.
|
| 01:54:51 | The thing I love about even more than the
movie itself,
I love, we all love the previews.
|
| 01:54:58 | You love the previews.
|
| 01:55:00 | - [Cheering]
- and I'll tell you why.
|
| 01:55:04 | Because it doesn't matter what anybody here
does for a living,
whatever your occupation is,
the reason you love the previews,
it's because it's the one time in all of
our lives
that we all get to be a critic
because you know as soon as that preview
ends,
you're gonna turn to the person next to you,
and you're gonna review that film, and whatever
it is,
you mean it.
|
| 01:55:29 | That first preview comes on, right,
where's the
van?
|
| 01:55:35 | "The van was supposed to be here?
|
| 01:55:37 | [Huffing]
"
- [cheering]
- that looks good. I want to see that.
|
| 01:56:00 | - [Laughing]
- but then the next one comes on,
the next trailer comes on, right, the next
preview?
|
| 01:56:19 | "[Humming] fate!
|
| 01:56:23 | "[Humming]
"cameron diaz.
|
| 01:56:28 | "[Humming] oh, my god.
|
| 01:56:30 | "I can't believe it's you after all these
years.
|
| 01:56:33 | [Humming]"
stupid. stupid. stupid.
|
| 01:56:44 | - [Laughing]
- can't they just put a fucking bulb in there?
|
| 01:57:00 | Just a little one watt, right?
|
| 01:57:01 | I spent 19 minutes twisting around that hole.
|
| 01:57:05 | You ever think you got it in there and you
fuckin' drop it
and it smashes all over, just splats?
|
| 01:57:10 | "
and the person behind you is like, "i just
"
- [laughing and cheering]
- we're all adults here. here's the thing.
|
| 01:57:32 | We've talked about so many things.
|
| 01:57:33 | We've talked about love, relationships, heartbreak.
|
| 01:57:36 | We've talked about children, quests.
|
| 01:57:38 | WE'VE TALKED ABOUT B&Es.
|
| 01:57:39 | We've spent a lifetime together, but here's
the thing.
|
| 01:57:41 | We haven't talked about a little thing called
a one-night stand.
|
| 01:57:44 | - [Cheering]
now, we have not, and we've all been there,
and, look, we've all settled.
|
| 01:57:51 | Everybody has settled on the one-night stand.
|
| 01:57:53 | We've all been with a lagoon creature from
time to time.
|
| 01:57:57 | We've all been with
a "i should get checked tomorrow ish" person.
|
| 01:58:01 | Doesn't that suck, where as you're doing
it, you're like,
I know
it.
|
| 01:58:06 | "Something very itchy is in my future.
|
| 01:58:08 | salves and creams are in my
future.
|
| 01:58:12 | "
the one-night stand. never good. never good.
|
| 01:58:22 | Here's the problem with the one-night stand.
|
| 01:58:23 | You're with the person, you're doing your
thing,
and maybe you're a little bit drunk
or you took some x or something,
it all wears out, it wears out midhump,
and as you're doing it, you just look at
the person.
|
| 01:58:33 | All of a sudden it's like abe lincoln's wife,
right?
|
| 01:58:35 | " it's never
good.
|
| 01:58:40 | Here's the thing about the one-night stand.
|
| 01:58:42 | As soon as the one-night stand is over,
which is awkward enough,
just the--after that weird awkward sex,
then there's that moment where you gotta
like,
you gotta get away from each other,
and you don't really know what to talk about.
|
| 01:58:54 | You do that thing where you just,
you get dressed really slowly,
and you keep looking at each other,
and doing, like, bizarre laughs.
|
| 01:59:05 | [Snort]
"
got nothin' to talk about.
|
| 01:59:21 | "I like your stuffed animals.
|
| 01:59:26 | "
you know what's really weird?
|
| 01:59:32 | When the person that you're with,
they want more than the one-night stand,
and they start pushing,
spending more time with you, right?
|
| 01:59:39 | Out of the blue they start wanting you to
call them.
|
| 01:59:41 | "You know what? you should call me.
|
| 01:59:42 | you should call
me sometime.
|
| 01:59:43 | "We should, like, totally hang out.
|
| 01:59:45 | "
right, just to appease them, you take your
phone out.
|
| 01:59:47 | You're like, "yeah, well, yeah, give your--what's
"
as they give you the number, you're playing
tetris.
|
| 01:59:52 | where's
the long one?
|
| 01:59:58 | "I need a fuckin' long one right now.
|
| 02:00:00 | I got 10 of those
in a row.
|
| 02:00:02 | "
but something strange happens that when you
leave that person's house,
you need to call a friend and talk about
what happened, right?
|
| 02:00:16 | Girls, you'll call,
00 in the morning you'll call your friend
up.
|
| 02:00:19 | Guys, we will go to our friend's house.
|
| 02:00:22 | We will wake people to tell this story, right?
|
| 02:00:26 | We'll just come in, "jason. jason, dude.
|
| 02:00:28 | oh, I'm sorry
to wake you, bro.
|
| 02:00:30 | "Do you remember that chick that I left with
earlier tonight?
|
| 02:00:34 | "Whoo!
|
| 02:00:37 | "Come here. smell my eyes.
|
| 02:00:41 | "
[laughs]
[humming]
every once in a while you might have a one-night
stand
that's actually all right, pretty decent.
|
| 02:03:36 | I had one, and I'm not trying to be braggadocious,
but I'd like to talk about it. follow along.
|
| 02:03:44 | So one night I see this girl up at a club,
and I go up to the bar,
and we start chat-chitting for a little bit,
and, yeah, I flipped that shit.
|
| 02:03:56 | Mm-hmm.
|
| 02:03:57 | They're just words.
|
| 02:03:58 | They don't control us.
|
| 02:04:00 | Not anymore.
|
| 02:04:03 | - [Laughing and cheering]
- I go up to this girl, and we start talking,
I'm getting
positive vibe.
|
| 02:04:17 | If I play my cards right,
I could have some sexual tonight.
|
| 02:04:23 | [Laughs]
I invite this girl back to my place, and
the key is,
and any girl will tell you this, guys: comfort.
|
| 02:04:30 | A woman needs to feel completely comfortable
when she's back at your place, ok?
|
| 02:04:34 | It should feel like it's her place.
|
| 02:04:35 | That's how comfortable she should be.
|
| 02:04:37 | Don't ever do this.
|
| 02:04:37 | Here's an example of what not to do.
|
| 02:04:38 | A girl comes into your place the first time,
don't ever lock the door and go, "ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha.
|
| 02:04:44 | you're gonna
die.
|
| 02:04:48 | "I'm just fuckin' around.
|
| 02:04:49 | "
no, don't do that.
|
| 02:04:54 | That's just one example of what not to do.
|
| 02:04:57 | So now I'm back in my place with this girl,
and we go up into my bedroom,
and at this point we start to do one of my
favorite things.
|
| 02:05:04 | We start to make out. we are making out.
|
| 02:05:08 | - [Cheering]
- yes. thank you, sluts.
|
| 02:05:12 | - [Cheering]
- we are making out, and this is how I make
out.
|
| 02:05:22 | I have a system to the way I make out.
|
| 02:05:23 | I do the swivel. I swivel. I do the pivot.
|
| 02:05:27 | I'm like a fucking metronome when I make
out.
|
| 02:05:29 | Some guys stay in one place. I don't do that.
|
| 02:05:32 | Right when you think you know me, I'm in
the west,
and I know all the little tricks.
|
| 02:05:37 | I suck your lip. I bite it gently.
|
| 02:05:41 | I hold your skull like a predator.
|
| 02:05:44 | [Snorting]
[clicking]
[snorting and clicking]
[honking]
[snorting]
"
ha ha ha.
|
| 02:06:08 | I like to whisper shit in your ear, too.
|
| 02:06:11 | You don't even know what I'm saying.
|
| 02:06:12 | I just whisper little haikus and whatnots
in there.
|
| 02:06:14 | I just get in your ear, I be like, "taste
"
that's hot. that's hot.
|
| 02:06:22 | So now here's where things start getting
a little strange, ok?
|
| 02:06:26 | It starts getting a little weird.
|
| 02:06:27 | She starts getting naked, and that's always
scary.
|
| 02:06:31 | I think it's scary.
|
| 02:06:31 | The first time you're gonna see
the other person's cash and prizes.
|
| 02:06:34 | That's always weird
'cause you never know what's going on down
there, right?
|
| 02:06:38 | Like, girls, we know as guys our balls are
a disaster area.
|
| 02:06:41 | We know this.
|
| 02:06:43 | It's certainly not a mantelpiece,
and we get it.
|
| 02:06:46 | But I try, if I know you're coming over,
I try.
|
| 02:06:48 | We'll trim it up. I trim it up a bit.
|
| 02:06:49 | Sometimes as a bonus I dip them in wax, in
a paraffin hand wax,
so you have to peel away. it's fun for you.
|
| 02:06:56 | "
yeah. it's much like a charms blow pop.
|
| 02:07:00 | You think it's just a lollipop, boom, gum
inside.
|
| 02:07:03 | Whoa. bonus. only here no gum.
|
| 02:07:06 | Ha ha! balls.
|
| 02:07:08 | Yeah. sans gum, ballsinis. enjoy.
|
| 02:07:14 | And it's not just us, ok?
|
| 02:07:15 | Sometimes, girls, you've got a poorly edited
kung fu movie
going on down there, all right?
|
| 02:07:20 | What the fuck's goin' on?
|
| 02:07:21 | Where did those 10 guys come from?
|
| 02:07:24 | One thing a turnoff, I don't like a girl
with a lot of lips.
|
| 02:07:28 | I don't like that. yeah.
|
| 02:07:29 | I don't like when it looks like a box of
cow tongues,
..mmm...
|
| 02:07:35 | I don't like it when it looks like
a high school play curtain, right?
|
| 02:07:40 | - [Laughing]
[cheering]
- and the other thing, too, maintenance.
|
| 02:07:59 | You got to do some maintenance down there.
|
| 02:08:00 | Like our shit is on the outside,
so at least a breeze gets to it from time
to time.
|
| 02:08:05 | One time, this is a true story,
I went down on a girl, here's the exact move
I did.
|
| 02:08:09 | I went down. I came right back up.
|
| 02:08:13 | I did a teardrop,
and then I was standing there like mortal
combat
right before a fatality.
|
| 02:08:17 | ..
|
| 02:08:19 | - [Laughing]
- finish it.
|
| 02:08:23 | - [Laughing]
- scorpio wins.
|
| 02:08:26 | - [Laughing]
- it was bad.
|
| 02:08:33 | Well, maybe you're saying,
"dane, excuse me. I need more examples.
|
| 02:08:37 | I don't quite understand. how bad was it?
|
| 02:08:39 | I'll tell
you right now.
|
| 02:08:42 | The only way I can describe it,
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina.
|
| 02:08:49 | - [Laughing]
- you know every girl's going home tonight
and scrubbing the shit out of their pussy.
|
| 02:09:12 | "Oh, yeah? not me.
|
| 02:09:13 | "I'm putting squirts of lemon on it,
"
ere's where things start taking a weird turn.
|
| 02:13:21 | Right in front of me, she's naked, she pushes
me away,
she scampers back.
|
| 02:13:25 | She scampers, and then she kind of props
herself up
like this on the other side of the bed,
and she's staring at me.
|
| 02:13:33 | She's just looking at me like she wants to
fight me,
and then she starts to play with her situation,
right?
|
| 02:13:42 | But she's sitting like a praying mantis as
she does it,
like an umpire or like a praying mantis
that morphed with an umpire.
|
| 02:13:52 | And the thing is I can't watch a girl pleasure
herself.
|
| 02:13:56 | I can't. I laugh.
|
| 02:13:58 | It makes me giggle like a very christmassy
giggle.
|
| 02:14:01 | [Giggling]
you know why it's so funny to me?
|
| 02:14:07 | Just 'cause when I look at you I can't help
it,
you look like a dj.
|
| 02:14:10 | That's all I can think of the whole time.
|
| 02:14:13 | [Beat boxing]
dj diddles, that's what you look like, dj
diddles,
SPINNING THE CLITS OF THE '80s, '90s, AND
Today,
|
| 00:00:01 | Dane ! dane !
|
| 00:00:04 | Captioning made possible byCOMEDY CENTRAL
man: PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER
For the one, the only
mr. dane cook !
|
| 00:01:45 | Dane: What's up ?
|
| 00:01:49 | Ahh !
|
| 00:01:50 | Woo !
|
| 00:01:56 | Thank you, guys, so much.
|
| 00:01:57 | Thank you.
|
| 00:01:58 | Thank you, thank you, thank you.
|
| 00:02:00 | Thank you.
|
| 00:02:07 | Let's have some fun tonight !
|
| 00:02:15 | There's so many things--
there's so many things
that I want to let you guys
into my world about.
|
| 00:02:21 | There's so many--
there's so many things.
|
| 00:02:25 | I've grown.
|
| 00:02:27 | I have grown, man.
|
| 00:02:28 | I'm here to talk about
some upgrades that I've made
in my life,
some things that
I'm doing differently
that are making
me feel fantastic.
|
| 00:02:36 | Here's one thing--
here's one thing that
I haven't done in some time.
|
| 00:02:39 | It's been a long time.
|
| 00:02:40 | I haven't done this in five,
six, seven,
eight, nine--
14 years,
but I'm doing it again,
and I'm feeling fantastic.
|
| 00:02:48 | You know what I've been doing ?
|
| 00:02:49 | I've been lying a lot lately.
|
| 00:02:55 | Oh, you, too ?
|
| 00:02:57 | There is nothing like
a good lie,
especially when it just works
on the first shot.
|
| 00:03:04 | You lie, the person
accepts it completely,
and you walk away going,
"lie accomplished.
|
| 00:03:11 | "
I'll give you an example
of what happened.
|
| 00:03:18 | I was walking down
the street recently.
|
| 00:03:20 | I bump into a guy
that I haven't seen
in many, many years,
since back in the day,
which was a wednesday,
by the way.
|
| 00:03:26 | I don't know if you know this.
|
| 00:03:28 | ,"
fun fact, the day: wednesday.
|
| 00:03:31 | This guy sees me,
"oh, my god !
|
| 00:03:33 | "Whoa, what's up, man ?
|
| 00:03:34 | "
he throws a hug on me.
|
| 00:03:37 | "What's going on, brother ?
|
| 00:03:38 | "I haven't seen you
"in so long--
"d.c., d.c. !
|
| 00:03:42 | "
and I was a little bit
excited to see him,
but I turned it up a little bit.
|
| 00:03:49 | I was like, "you !
|
| 00:03:51 | "You, dude !
|
| 00:03:53 | "
he's like,
"bro, check it out, man.
|
| 00:03:58 | "I haven't seen you in so long.
|
| 00:03:59 | "This saturday night,
"i'm having a party,
"
and I looked at him, and, again,
I didn't wanna be rude,
and why go through
the whole rigmarole of truth
where I look at him and go,
"i've gotta tell you,
"i don't really like you
"
so instead, I went with the lie,
and I go, "wait, hold on,
"
"
I go, "guess where
"i'm gonna be saturday night ?
|
| 00:04:23 | AT YOUR ( bleep ) PARTY."
And he goes,
"
he goes, "dude, I'm gonna
"let people know you're coming.
|
| 00:04:30 | "I'm gonna make some calls
"and say that d.c.
|
| 00:04:32 | "
I go, "you know what ?
|
| 00:04:34 | "Call 'em twice,
"
of course, saturday night
comes along,
and I'm not gonna go
to the party.
|
| 00:04:45 | I'm not interested in the party.
|
| 00:04:46 | He even gave me directions.
|
| 00:04:47 | He's like "dude, let me
"WRITE DOWN THE ( bleep )
"
and I was like,
and I said things like,
"yeah, let's see
"those directions.
|
| 00:04:55 | "I need to be directed, 'cause i
"
here's the thing, too,
and you know this.
|
| 00:05:01 | When somebody
gives you directions,
don't you get so anal
about their directions ?
|
| 00:05:05 | They give you the directions,
and the entire time, driving,
you're just cutting down
their directions.
|
| 00:05:10 | Where you're like this:
"Okay, take a left
"at the red house.
|
| 00:05:13 | "THAT'S ( bleep ) MAROON,
"
why is it the street
you're looking for
always has a tree
from the mesozoic era
growing around the sign ?
|
| 00:05:27 | You're looking for, like,
vernon,
and all you see is like the "n,"
and you drive by going,
"that was probably it.
|
| 00:05:33 | "You think that was it ?
|
| 00:05:35 | "
there's always the point
in the directions
that they always write
in parentheses,
"(if you hit the train tracks,
)"
and right when you read that--
( bleep ) !
|
| 00:06:02 | Back to the lie.
|
| 00:06:08 | I don't go to the party,
and, of course,
as fate would have it,
who do I see four or
five days later ?
|
| 00:06:14 | That guy.
|
| 00:06:16 | And here's the thing:
He sees me,
and he makes a beeline
right towards me, okay ?
|
| 00:06:21 | Can I just stop for a second ?
|
| 00:06:23 | Why do you call it a beeline ?
|
| 00:06:24 | If it was really a beeline,
wouldn't it be this ?
|
| 00:06:36 | That's a--
"
"
I've got the little dot on it.
|
| 00:06:44 | Uppercase, he would
have to do this--
this has gone on way too far,
way too long.
|
| 00:06:52 | He comes right up to me.
|
| 00:06:54 | Now he's disappointed,
he's disgruntled,
he's another "dis" word
that I don't even know.
|
| 00:07:01 | He looks right at me.
|
| 00:07:03 | He goes, "hey.
|
| 00:07:04 | "
and I'm like,
"oh, I know, I'm caught now,"
but I look at him, and I go,
"what's going-- you !
|
| 00:07:11 | "
he goes, "why didn't you
"come by my party, man ?
|
| 00:07:15 | "Why didn't you
"come by my party ?
|
| 00:07:17 | "I told everybody
"you were gonna be there,
"and I was really excited
"about you coming by the party,
"and so was everybody else.
|
| 00:07:22 | "My sick mother
"came to see you, too.
|
| 00:07:24 | "She's in a wheelchair,
"and it's a rusty wheelchair.
|
| 00:07:26 | "It's not even a new one.
|
| 00:07:27 | "It's hard to even move
"because of the amount of rust,
"because she lives
"
I said to him--
now here's where I go into my--
I reach into my pocket,
and I'm gonna pull out
another lie,
'cause I've already
started lying,
and now I just have
to take this--
I have to bash my way through
this whole thing with lies,
with a lie fest.
|
| 00:07:52 | So what I do--
this is what I say to him.
|
| 00:07:54 | I go, "you know what ?
|
| 00:07:55 | "Oh, man,
"let me tell you something.
|
| 00:07:57 | "I was actually on my way
"TO YOUR ( bleep ) PARTY,
"And my tire flew off,
"and my car flipped
"
that's the key to a good lie.
|
| 00:08:09 | Number-one rule:
Put your life in danger.
|
| 00:08:12 | Put your life in peril.
|
| 00:08:14 | It distracts them
from their story,
and it becomes about you
and your safety, at this point,
he'll be like this:
"Dude, dude, dude, dude,
"forget the party.
|
| 00:08:23 | "
"no, I'm not all right.
|
| 00:08:25 | "I flipped into--
"it wasn't even a ravine.
|
| 00:08:27 | "It was a quarry.
|
| 00:08:28 | "
"
"and you know what ?
|
| 00:08:33 | "The thing that sucked,
"as I was rolling in,
"i was saying out loud,
"'i'm not gonna make it
"'to this party !
|
| 00:08:39 | "'People are expecting
'"
that's the key to
the good lie right there.
|
| 00:08:50 | Just keep putting your life
in danger.
|
| 00:08:52 | "It was awful, man.
|
| 00:08:53 | "My seat belt, I had it on,
"and due to the fire,
"it melted the seat belt,
"so what was once
"a safety harness
"was now a strap-o-death,
"bounding me to
"my vehicle-like coffin,
"
"dude, I'm just glad
you're okay,"
and you think you're out of it.
|
| 00:09:11 | Now, sometimes,
something bad happens,
the person knows you're lying.
|
| 00:09:15 | Sometimes, they're hearing you,
and they've already got
the truth in their mind,
and that sucks
when they call you out.
|
| 00:09:22 | "Oh, really ?
|
| 00:09:23 | "Oh, is that what-- yeah ?
|
| 00:09:24 | "You flipped into a ravine ?
|
| 00:09:26 | "You know what, dude ?
|
| 00:09:27 | "I drove by your house
"that night.
|
| 00:09:29 | "I thought, maybe I'll go--
"for old time's sake,
,
"i'll give him a ride.
|
| 00:09:33 | "And you know what ?
|
| 00:09:34 | "I went up your front lawn,
"and I went through
"your bushes,
"and I looked in your
"( bleep ) WINDOW,
"And you were on your couch
"
"i saw you on your couch.
|
| 00:09:49 | "You say you were dying
"
now, it's at this point
you know you're caught,
but instead of just
admitting that you've lied,
instead of just tapping out
and going,
"got me, I'm a liar.
|
| 00:10:00 | "
what do we all do ?
|
| 00:10:04 | You get angry at that person.
|
| 00:10:06 | You get angry,
and you start lying more.
|
| 00:10:10 | You say, "oh, really ?
|
| 00:10:12 | "Is that what you did ?
|
| 00:10:13 | "You came by,
"you looked in my bushes,
"and you supposedly saw me
"watching tv ?
|
| 00:10:18 | "Well, you know what
"you don't know ?
|
| 00:10:20 | "IS I HAVE A ( bleep )
"Hologram of me watching tv
"to thwart criminals
"from breaking in,
"so they look in and go,
"'( bleep ),
"'He's home watching tv.
|
| 00:10:30 | '"
"SO SCREW YOU, BUCKO !"sxsxsxsxsxI2HINK IT
Is
incredible the way sometimes
you will find yourself
in those situations.
|
| 00:14:36 | We just don't know how to deal
with what's happening.
|
| 00:14:39 | We don't even know how to deal
with the information
that's coming at you.
|
| 00:14:42 | I'll tell you this, okay ?
|
| 00:14:43 | Recently, something happened,
and it's amazing
the way sometimes
just a little lint ball,
a little ball of lint,
can turn into
A CLUSTER ( bleep ).
|
| 00:14:55 | AN ENTIRE CLUSTER ( bleep ),
And that's not a candy bar,
I'll tell you that right now.
|
| 00:14:59 | MILK CHOCOLATY CLUSTER ( bleep )
Don't exist.
|
| 00:15:06 | FULL OF PEANUTS AND ( bleep )
NOUGAT-Y ( bleep ).
|
| 00:15:11 | What ?
|
| 00:15:13 | All right.
|
| 00:15:14 | Here's what went down, okay ?
|
| 00:15:15 | I'm standing beside this guy.
|
| 00:15:17 | This entire thing
starts off with a sneeze.
|
| 00:15:19 | A sneeze started this
entire situation off, okay ?
|
| 00:15:22 | I'm standing next to this guy.
|
| 00:15:24 | I don't know this man.
|
| 00:15:25 | I've never met him before
in my life,
or in a past life.
|
| 00:15:28 | I can sense this.
|
| 00:15:29 | Standing next to this man,
never met him before.
|
| 00:15:32 | He turns towards me,
and he sneezes like this,
"
he actually did, like,
the robot from '85.
|
| 00:15:42 | "
yeah, he turns towards me,
and he sneezed,
and there was no blockage.
|
| 00:15:55 | There was no hand
over the mouth.
|
| 00:15:58 | There was no burying the arm.
|
| 00:15:59 | There was no--
the thing where you try
to make somebody run away,
like you're about to turn
into a werewolf.
|
| 00:16:05 | "
( light growl )
Nothing.
|
| 00:16:09 | "
two things happened.
|
| 00:16:17 | First of all,
it scared the everlivin'
out of me, okay ?
|
| 00:16:20 | I jumped, because it was
very audible, very loud,
but besides that,
just the way the light
was hitting this guy's face,
debris came out.
|
| 00:16:32 | A wad of stuff, almost like
when you usewindex,
and you put it on mist mode--
you know mist mode ?
|
| 00:16:37 | As opposed to,
what is that other mode ?
|
| 00:16:40 | Laser mode ?
|
| 00:16:41 | Does anybody even use that ?
|
| 00:16:43 | Is that in case you wanna
mount a sniper scope
on yourwindexand--
I got a stain
about eight clicks.
|
| 00:16:52 | I am taking the shot.
|
| 00:16:56 | Negative, I missed.
|
| 00:16:58 | I missed the target.
|
| 00:16:59 | I need one more.
|
| 00:17:00 | Got it.
|
| 00:17:02 | Let's go home, boys.
|
| 00:17:04 | I'm gonna tell you
right now, please,
when you use thewindexbottle,
never put that
( bleep ) HALFWAY.
|
| 00:17:10 | Always make sure it's lined up.
|
| 00:17:12 | There's no joke here.
|
| 00:17:14 | Don't do that.
|
| 00:17:15 | Bad things happen
to good people.
|
| 00:17:19 | I know somebody here is
gonna go home tonight and go,
"hold on, I gotta try
"THIS ( bleep ).
|
| 00:17:25 | "Hold on one second.
|
| 00:17:26 | "What happens
"if you don't line it up ?
|
| 00:17:28 | "I just wanna see.
|
| 00:17:29 | "
what if when you did that,
A ( bleep ) GHOST
Came out of it ?
|
| 00:17:33 | "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha !
|
| 00:17:35 | "He told you not to !
|
| 00:17:36 | "Ha-ha-ha !
|
| 00:17:37 | "I am 'windextor' !
|
| 00:17:39 | "I will clean your soul !
|
| 00:17:41 | "
he sneezed.
|
| 00:18:04 | Debris.
|
| 00:18:06 | Movement.
|
| 00:18:08 | Okay, now, at this point,
I'm disgusted,
and I'm grossed out.
|
| 00:18:12 | Okay, I'm grossed out by it,
and at first,
I think, "i'm gonna go off
on this guy,"
and then I decided,
"wait a second, dane.
|
| 00:18:18 | "Don't do that.
|
| 00:18:19 | "Take the high road,
"
so I turned to him,
and this is what I said.
|
| 00:18:23 | I looked at him,
and I went,
"
yeah, I said it like that,
I said it like that.
|
| 00:18:30 | "God bless you,"
which, you know,
is god bless you,
but it kinda sounded like,
"COVER YOUR ( bleep ) MOUTH."
Yeah, incognito.
|
| 00:18:44 | I turn to the guy--
I say, "god bless you,"
by the way,
when someone sneezes.
|
| 00:18:49 | "
I don't say that,
because I'm not the lord.
|
| 00:18:53 | I can't do that.
|
| 00:19:00 | I'm just a messenger
for big guns upstairs,
you know what I'm saying ?
|
| 00:19:09 | And I never go with gesundheit.
|
| 00:19:10 | I don't know who even says that.
|
| 00:19:11 | If I say gesundheit,
I feel like I'm honoring hitler,
like I should be like,
"
I end up onthe history channel,
'cause the guy sneezed.
|
| 00:19:23 | "
this is what the guy
comes back with, okay ?
|
| 00:19:27 | Here's where it starts
to get out of control.
|
| 00:19:29 | Guy looks at me,
and very condescending,
he goes,
"
yeah, what a jerk, right ?
|
| 00:19:40 | I'm trying to be polite !
|
| 00:19:41 | I don't know you're
an atheist, right ?
|
| 00:19:43 | And even if I did,
what am I supposed to say
when an atheist sneezes ?
|
| 00:19:46 | "Uh, when you die,
NOTHING HAPPENS."áááám[m[m[m[#÷
her
go!
|
| 00:20:17 | I need a rush order of orchids.
|
| 00:20:19 | Thanks
excuse me. I'm looking for a dog bed.
|
| 00:20:22 | What kind of dog?
|
| 00:20:23 | ..
|
| 00:20:25 | This kind.
|
| 00:20:28 | Nice job.
|
| 00:20:30 | ..
|
| 00:20:31 | (Tucci) STAY A STEP AHEAD ON THE NATION'S
Fastest 3g network.
|
| 00:20:34 | Dude, just made out with mariah carey!
|
| 00:20:37 | (Tucci)AT&T.
|
| 00:20:38 | Now get 50%off these
samsungtouchscreen phones
after mail-inrebate.
|
| 00:20:41 | Only from at&t.
|
| 00:21:29 | man,
but sometimes I like to smell like a different
smelling man.
|
| 00:21:34 | Luckily Old Spice makes a variety of manly
scents.
|
| 00:21:41 | For men!
|
| 00:23:43 | oYKP$
Dane: So now, oh, man,
now I start getting into,
like, a religious debate
with this guy,
and it is awful, okay ?
|
| 00:23:53 | He's questioning my beliefs.
|
| 00:23:55 | He goes, "well, what about you ?
|
| 00:23:56 | "
"
I was raised catholic, and--
oh, peace be with you.
|
| 00:24:06 | And also with you.
|
| 00:24:08 | Lift up your hearts.
|
| 00:24:09 | Ring-a-ding-a-ding !
|
| 00:24:18 | As I'm telling him about
my religious background,
he's laughing at me.
|
| 00:24:21 | He is laughing at me.
|
| 00:24:22 | He's giggling.
|
| 00:24:23 | He's like, "do you believe this,
this is what--"
now for his own entertainment,
he says to me,
"let me ask you this.
|
| 00:24:33 | "What do you believe happens
"
and I said, "uh, okay, well,
"hopefully, I live a good life,
"and my soul goes to heaven,
"and when I get there,
"all my ancestors
"will be waiting for me,
"
"hey, what's up ?
|
| 00:24:49 | "Guess who's dead, sucker ?
|
| 00:24:50 | "Ahh, come here !
|
| 00:24:52 | "Come here, float over here,
"
I'm telling him this,
he's laughing even more.
|
| 00:25:00 | He is so condescending.
|
| 00:25:01 | He's so snarky with his
( bleep ) ATTITUDE.
|
| 00:25:04 | Yeah, snarky.
|
| 00:25:05 | It's a word.
|
| 00:25:06 | GOOGLETHAT ( bleep ).
|
| 00:25:07 | It exists.
|
| 00:25:08 | I'm not kidding.
|
| 00:25:09 | Snarky, great word.
|
| 00:25:10 | Googlemagic, my friends.
|
| 00:25:12 | Just in case you're wondering,
I do keep my keyboard
right at my lips.
|
| 00:25:16 | I know you see this happening.
|
| 00:25:16 | You're like,
"man, that's awfully close
"
oh, I know.
|
| 00:25:20 | That's because for
the space bar, I kiss.
|
| 00:25:23 | That saves time.
|
| 00:25:24 | "To whom it may concern,"
and I kiss.
|
| 00:25:26 | Unless it's
an aggressive letter,
and then I head-butt.
|
| 00:25:29 | I head-butt the space bar.
|
| 00:25:30 | I have a pad on there.
|
| 00:25:31 | "How dare you !
|
| 00:25:33 | "
so he's laughing at my beliefs,
and finally, I just snap--
"what about you ?
|
| 00:25:41 | "Okay, what about you,
"all right ?
|
| 00:25:43 | "What happens to you ?
|
| 00:25:44 | "You're an atheist.
|
| 00:25:45 | "What does that mean ?
|
| 00:25:47 | "What happens to you
"
now he gets very serious,
like's he's gonna
school me, okay ?
|
| 00:25:51 | He looks, he goes,
"oh, I can tell you, young man,
"i can tell you.
|
| 00:25:54 | "I know what's going to
"happen to me after I die.
|
| 00:25:56 | "After I pass on,
"my body will become one
"with this earth.
|
| 00:26:01 | "From there, I will become
"a fertilizer for this planet,
"and with that, I will return
"
that's what this guy believes.
|
| 00:26:12 | He's laughing at me.
|
| 00:26:13 | He's gonna come back
AS A ( bleep ) FICUS.
|
| 00:26:15 | Yeah, yeah !
|
| 00:26:17 | Johnny weeping willow
over here.
|
| 00:26:25 | I wanted to slam this guy
so bad for this, right ?
|
| 00:26:28 | But then I stopped.
|
| 00:26:29 | I stopped, you guys.
|
| 00:26:30 | Please, hear me out.
|
| 00:26:31 | I let it sink in,
and I want you to, as well.
|
| 00:26:34 | I hope when he dies,
he does become a tree.
|
| 00:26:37 | I hope he's in the middle
of the wilderness,
and he's doing his tree thing,
whatever it is trees do.
|
| 00:26:42 | I know they do a lot of work
with breezes.
|
| 00:26:45 | And wouldn't it be fantastic,
if while he was out there
just enjoying his "treeness",
through the woods,
a huge, sweaty guy with an axe
comes along,
sees him--
chops him down, smash,
put a chain around him,
drag him through the mud
and the muck,
throw him into a sawmill,
grind him up.
|
| 00:27:06 | Neeeeeeee !
|
| 00:27:08 | Then you pound him down
into paper,
and once he's paper,
you print the bible on him.
|
| 00:27:35 | I enjoy talking to you
about this,
because these are stories
that you can pass on to
your children.
|
| 00:27:40 | man: THANK YOU !
|
| 00:27:41 | Dane: I look forward
to it, someday
maybe having some kids.
|
| 00:27:44 | I'd like to have kids.
|
| 00:27:45 | I'd like to have
19 kids someday.
|
| 00:27:49 | Yeah.
|
| 00:27:50 | Oh, there's some eggs dropping
in here tonight.
|
| 00:27:56 | I want 19 kids.
|
| 00:27:58 | I want my wife's vagina
to look likestargate
when I'm done.
|
| 00:28:01 | Kids just materializing
out of it.
|
| 00:28:05 | "Hello.
|
| 00:28:06 | "Cut this.
|
| 00:28:07 | "Please, cut this.
|
| 00:28:08 | "Thank you.
|
| 00:28:09 | "All right.
|
| 00:28:10 | "
..your tire's all flat and junk.
|
| 00:29:51 | Oh, did I do that?
|
| 00:29:54 | Here, let me get my cellular out - call ya
a wrecker.
|
| 00:29:56 | ...Oh shoot...i got no phone
...cuz I'm a pothole...so....k, bye!
|
| 00:30:05 | Anncr: accidents are bad.
|
| 00:30:11 | Anncr: but geico's good.
|
| 00:30:11 | With emergency road service. ding!
|
| 00:30:50 | Dane: I hope I'm like my dad
in many ways except for one,
something my dad did
when I was growing up that--
it warped my brain for years.
|
| 00:30:58 | Changed the course of my life.
|
| 00:31:02 | My dad used to wear a robe.
|
| 00:31:07 | I don't know
if your dads wore robes,
but here's what drove me
banana sandwich
about this robe, okay ?
|
| 00:31:16 | Okay, he had one robe--
one robe,
not a bunch of robes.
|
| 00:31:21 | "Oh, dad, you're wearing the--"
no, one robe.
|
| 00:31:25 | And he wore it every day,
and here's the thing that
we all hated in my family
about the robe:
First of all,
it came down to here.
|
| 00:31:33 | Yeah.
|
| 00:31:34 | It was like
"
and it was so old,
it wasn't even fabric.
|
| 00:31:44 | It was made of, like, wheat.
|
| 00:31:46 | The belt was a dead snake.
|
| 00:31:52 | My dad was wearing
this robe one day--
I'll never forget this.
|
| 00:31:55 | I was a little guy, right ?
|
| 00:31:56 | Just a little chap.
|
| 00:31:58 | I'll never forget.
|
| 00:31:59 | We're laying
on the couch together.
|
| 00:32:01 | It's one saturday morning,
me and my dad,
and he finally looked over
at me, and he goes,
"hey, little guy.
|
| 00:32:06 | "How are you doing over there,
"
and I said, "i'm good, dad.
|
| 00:32:09 | "I'm good.
|
| 00:32:11 | "
and he said, "it's good to
"see you there, bucko.
|
| 00:32:16 | "It's good to see you.
|
| 00:32:17 | "How are you feeling
"this morning ?
|
| 00:32:19 | "You feeling good ?
|
| 00:32:20 | "
I said, "yeah, I'm hungry.
|
| 00:32:23 | "I'm thinking I want something
"
"well, what are you
"thinking about ?
|
| 00:32:28 | "What are you craving ?
|
| 00:32:29 | "What do you want me
"
"um, maybe get some cereal--"
and just so you guys know,
I had a very itchy eye
when I was younger.
|
| 00:32:36 | Yes, I did.
|
| 00:32:37 | We had cats,
and I think the dander
( bleep ) UP MY EYE.
|
| 00:32:41 | So this was very itchy.
|
| 00:32:42 | Don't be concerned.
|
| 00:32:43 | It was like a hive on my lid.
|
| 00:32:44 | It doesn't matter.
|
| 00:32:46 | So my dad goes, "i'm gonna go
"
and then just the way he went
to get off the couch--
the robe opened like a show
is about to begin.
|
| 00:33:04 | And he wasn't wearing
any underwear on this day,
and I saw everything,
and before this day,
I had never seen anything
except my own set-up, you know ?
|
| 00:33:15 | And I had a very simple plan
going on, you know ?
|
| 00:33:19 | I had basic cable,
if you know what I'm saying,
but he had the premier
HOLY ( bleep ) PACKAGE.
|
| 00:33:27 | There was-- oh !
|
| 00:33:30 | He had, like, cities
and a downtown area.
|
| 00:33:33 | There was a wizard on a hilltop
shooting lightning.
|
| 00:33:36 | Ah-ha-ha-ha !
|
| 00:33:37 | I saw a llama run down
TO HIS ( bleep ).
|
| 00:33:39 | It was weird.
|
| 00:33:41 | And I looked at it for a moment,
and then I tried to look away,
but I was drawn to it.
|
| 00:33:46 | And sometimes you do
a double take.
|
| 00:33:49 | I DID LIKE A ( bleep )
"
I was like, "uh, oh !
|
| 00:33:53 | "Get out, ah !
|
| 00:33:55 | "
I could not stop.
|
| 00:33:57 | My dad quickly realized what
happened, and he covered up,
but the damage was done.
|
| 00:34:04 | We were standing there,
father and son,
at a crossroads of life,
just looking at one another,
and I will never forget,
you guys,
what my dad said,
to this very day,
quote, unquote,
he finally took a long breath,
and then he said to me,
"some day,
"
it sucks when you're
in the wrong relationship.
|
| 00:34:46 | man: WHO'S IN YOUR MOUTH ?
|
| 00:34:47 | Dane: What's that, brother ?
|
| 00:34:49 | man: WHO'S IN YOUR MOUTH ?
|
| 00:34:50 | Dane: Are you a fan
of the red sox ?
|
| 00:34:52 | man: WHO'S IN YOUR MOUTH ?
|
| 00:34:53 | Dane: What's your name,
big guy ?
|
| 00:34:55 | Jake: Jake !
|
| 00:34:56 | Jake !
|
| 00:34:57 | Dane: Jay ?
|
| 00:34:58 | Jake: Jay-kuh !
|
| 00:34:59 | Dane: Jay-kuh ?
|
| 00:35:01 | Jake: Yeah !
|
| 00:35:02 | Dane: Jake, hold on, take a look
at all these 18,000 people.
|
| 00:35:04 | Jake: I love 'em !
|
| 00:35:05 | Dane: Say hello.
|
| 00:35:07 | Jake: As long as they're
red sox fans,
they're my friends !
|
| 00:35:10 | Dane: You have sent--
you have shown these people
is not a bad idea,
and I want you to know that.
|
| 00:35:17 | You've inspired lives.
|
| 00:35:19 | Jake: Let's play
who's in your mouth.
|
| 00:35:23 | Dane: We might play that
in a little bit.
|
| 00:35:25 | Oh, it was nice to meet you,
too, bro.
|
| 00:35:29 | Wait, where are
you going, dude ?
|
| 00:35:31 | We were having
a great conversation.
|
| 00:35:33 | I'm kidding, go.
|
| 00:35:40 | That's jay-kuh.
|
| 00:35:43 | Hold on one second.
|
| 00:35:51 | Hey, jake !
|
| 00:35:52 | Hey, jake !
|
| 00:35:53 | Jake !
|
| 00:35:54 | It was good to see you, bro !
|
| 00:36:06 | Jake, jake !
|
| 00:36:08 | Call me, dude !
|
| 00:36:09 | ( bleep ) CALL ME, BRO !
|
| 00:36:10 | How dare you just walk away !
|
| 00:36:19 | That's jay-kuh !
|
| 00:36:22 | That's jay-kuh !
|
| 00:36:24 | All right, all right.
|
| 00:36:26 | Okay, here we go.
|
| 00:38:19 | ♪ ♪
|
| 00:38:23 | [ laughter ]
♪ ♪
|
| 00:38:28 | ♪ too much talking 'bout
the next time, the next time ♪
|
| 00:39:35 | Dane: You've gotta find that
right person, man.
|
| 00:39:37 | It is brutal, it really is.
|
| 00:39:38 | When you're in
the wrong relation--
if you're in a relationship--
when you're with somebody awful,
I call that
A RELATION- ( bleep ).
|
| 00:39:52 | But it does happen.
|
| 00:39:53 | You're with that person.
|
| 00:39:54 | You start arguing
about nothing, right ?
|
| 00:39:56 | That's the thing,
is you start getting in
the weirdest--
you're trying to
find things to argue over,
because we can never
just be adults
and look at each other and go,
"hey, you know what ?
|
| 00:40:08 | "Hey, come here.
|
| 00:40:09 | "Come here for a second.
|
| 00:40:10 | "UM, WE'RE ( bleep ) OVER,
"Aren't we ?
|
| 00:40:12 | "All right, you go that way,
"i'll go this way.
|
| 00:40:14 | "
no, instead, you're like,
"let me just stick around
"for five or six years,
"and then we can
"end this violently.
|
| 00:40:21 | "
girls, you'll stay in
a relationship for years
with a guy that
you don't even like,
and you make
the weirdest excuses to stay.
|
| 00:40:30 | Your friends even see it.
|
| 00:40:31 | Your friends will be like,
"lisa, why don't you just go ?
|
| 00:40:33 | "Lisa, seriously.
|
| 00:40:34 | "Lisa, we're here,
"'cause we're concerned
"about you,
"and he's a dickwad.
|
| 00:40:38 | "
and you're like,
"i can't just go.
|
| 00:40:42 | "I can't just go, karen.
|
| 00:40:43 | "It's not that easy, okay ?
|
| 00:40:44 | "Like, you guys think
"i can just go.
|
| 00:40:46 | "It's not that simple,
"all right ?
|
| 00:40:48 | MY C.D.s ARE IN HIS TRUCK."
So you start fighting.
|
| 00:41:00 | You start fighting over
the weirdest things, right ?
|
| 00:41:02 | Just weird stuff, right ?
|
| 00:41:03 | "Honey, honey ?
|
| 00:41:04 | "Why don't you put
"THE ( bleep ) D.V.D.s IN ORDER,
"So I can finduncle buck
"the second I wanna watch it ?
|
| 00:41:10 | "THIS ( bleep ) ALL
"Scrambled up,
"because you're
"A ( bleep ) RETARD !
|
| 00:41:14 | "Why don't you put these
"in order ?
|
| 00:41:16 | "In order !
|
| 00:41:17 | "Now fight me for three days,
"
and you get into it, man.
|
| 00:41:23 | You get into it.
|
| 00:41:24 | The battle has begun.
|
| 00:41:25 | And let me say this,
when you're in that
kind of fight,
when you're in
that kind of conflict,
men and women,
we want two different things.
|
| 00:41:32 | We have two different
destinations during that fight.
|
| 00:41:35 | Girls, I'm gonna tell you
what guys want, right now.
|
| 00:41:37 | This is our goal
during the fight:
We want to make you cry.
|
| 00:41:41 | Yes--
not a lot of crying,
not that heavy weeping, no,
'cause that's obnoxious.
|
| 00:41:48 | Knock it off.
|
| 00:41:52 | No, just that little tear,
that otle tear,
the one you try to hide
by going,
"why would you say that ?
|
| 00:41:58 | "
the second we see that
little, glistening tear,
we're like, "yes, aha, I win !
|
| 00:42:04 | "I'm the winner !
|
| 00:42:05 | "Go call your mom
"and talk for four hours.
|
| 00:42:07 | "I'm gonna playx-box.
|
| 00:42:08 | "
we get our headset on.
|
| 00:42:11 | "Hey, what's up, guys ?
|
| 00:42:13 | "I just made my chick cry.
|
| 00:42:15 | "
that's what we want:
Instant gratification.
|
| 00:42:22 | If we can make you cry,
we feel like a winner.
|
| 00:42:24 | Now, let me tell you something.
|
| 00:42:26 | Let me tell you why women,
you win 99.9% of all fights.
|
| 00:42:33 | Yup, yup.
|
| 00:42:34 | And I'll tell you why right now.
|
| 00:42:36 | Here it is:
Because you are
mental terrorists.
|
| 00:42:48 | You are brain ninjas,
and you know how to get in there
with your katana
and just cut us
and disappear into the night.
|
| 00:42:57 | I'm gonna tell you right now,
this is how they do it, guys.
|
| 00:43:00 | I'm gonna help you,
so you know when it's coming
next time,
and you know how to maybe
try to stop this encounter
from happening.
|
| 00:43:07 | This is what's gonna happen:
You're in the fight, okay ?
|
| 00:43:09 | It's going back and forth.
|
| 00:43:10 | She's preparing
to say a comment, okay ?
|
| 00:43:13 | She's got a comment on tap
that she's gonna say,
and it's the tiniest--
it's just a little,
tic tac-sized comment.
|
| 00:43:20 | But this is
A ( bleep ) DETONATOR,
And she's gonna say it,
and it's gonna go deep
into your cerebellum,
and it's gonna sit there,
and at some point,
three days later, 30 days later,
it's going to explode,
rotting you from within.
|
| 00:43:36 | I'm telling you right now.
|
| 00:43:37 | She's gonna say this comment,
and here's when you know
it's coming--
physically, I can show you
when it's coming right now.
|
| 00:43:43 | This is the physical movement
that she's gonna give to you.
|
| 00:43:45 | If you're saying,
"dane, how do I know ?
|
| 00:43:47 | "
here's when it's gonna happen:
During the argument,
there's gonna be a point
where she's gonna stop
and change her game up.
|
| 00:43:54 | The minute she starts agreeing
with everything
YOU'RE ( bleep ) SAYING,
Look out !
|
| 00:44:04 | You are in trouble.
|
| 00:44:05 | Okay, and I will show you
physically what's gonna happen.
|
| 00:44:07 | You're gonna see her leg
do this.
|
| 00:44:10 | The moment her leg locks,
like this.
|
| 00:44:14 | You've just driven into
( bleep ) VILLE,
And she's the mayor !
|
| 00:44:23 | So, she's locked.
|
| 00:44:25 | They're loving it right now.
|
| 00:44:27 | They're loving it !
|
| 00:44:31 | Now, at this point,
she's going to start agreeing
with everything you're saying,
and that's bad.
|
| 00:44:36 | The moment you start
hearing her go,
"you know what,
"you're absolutely right.
|
| 00:44:40 | "You're absolutely right,
"and I didn't even know.
|
| 00:44:42 | "Why would I even know ?
|
| 00:44:43 | "Because you're the czar
"of right,
"and we're all just floating
"in a sea of wrong
"as you go by
"in your ship of right.
|
| 00:44:49 | "Just please, tell me.
|
| 00:44:50 | "Throw me a lifeline,
"so I know.
|
| 00:44:52 | "You're right.
|
| 00:44:53 | "I don't even know
"if I'm right about this.
|
| 00:44:55 | "I could be wrong about
"right now, but you know.
|
| 00:44:57 | "Why don't you tell me
"
right there.
|
| 00:45:01 | The minute she starts
hitting you with that,
you better be prepared,
'CAUSE THERE IS A ( bleep )
Torpedo in the water,
and it's coming to get you.
|
| 00:45:11 | Okay, so physically,
here's what she's gonna do:
She's gonna lock the leg,
and then after she's done
with her little
"you're right, you're right,"
she's gonna do something
with her hand, with her arm,
and it's always different,
but it involves touching
her own face,
and then doing some kind of
windshield-wiper movement.
|
| 00:45:31 | She's gonna vary it up,
and it's gonna be
something like this--
and look for this.
|
| 00:45:40 | That's bad.
|
| 00:45:42 | "
now here's what she's gonna do:
She's gonna pivot her body.
|
| 00:45:50 | She's gonna pivot,
and then she's going to take
three to five steps.
|
| 00:45:55 | Three to five !
|
| 00:45:58 | Three to five,
and she's gonna slow down.
|
| 00:46:01 | She's gonna cock her head
to the left.
|
| 00:46:03 | She's gonna say the comment.
|
| 00:46:05 | She's gonna say the comment,
and here's the thing:
There'll be no emphasis.
|
| 00:46:09 | It'll be very subtle.
|
| 00:46:10 | It'll almost be a whisper,
and why is that ?
|
| 00:46:12 | To make you listen.
|
| 00:46:14 | And it is gonna be
a destroyer of worlds.
|
| 00:46:18 | It's something like this, right.
|
| 00:46:19 | She does the thing,
she's gonna turn,
and then she's gonna go
like this,
"well, you're stupid like
"
and at first,
that means nothing.
|
| 00:46:45 | At first, we laugh at it.
|
| 00:46:46 | You say it, you walk away,
we're like, "ha-ha-ha,
"what does that even mean ?
|
| 00:46:50 | "
we have no idea that you just
( bleep ) NINJA'ED OUR BRAIN.
|
| 00:46:57 | We're gonna be in the basement
40 minutes from then
just pacing,
and it's gonna slowly
start to seep in.
|
| 00:47:03 | We're pacing back and forth
thinking about it.
|
| 00:47:08 | "Stupid like your father.
|
| 00:47:12 | "My father's a brilliant man !
|
| 00:47:14 | "
explosion.
|
| 00:47:22 | Now we're starting
to spiral down,
and so it's at this point
WE NEED TO ( bleep ) FIGHT
Some more.
|
| 00:47:27 | So what do we do ?
|
| 00:47:28 | We come looking for you.
|
| 00:47:29 | We come looking,
and we can't even remember
the layout of our own house.
|
| 00:47:33 | WE'RE LIKE, "WHERE THE ( bleep )
"Do I live ?
|
| 00:47:36 | "
when we finally find you,
you're always in the kitchen.
|
| 00:47:43 | You're in the kitchen,
and you're feeling victorious,
and you're sitting there
eating someoodles of noodles,
and here's the mistake
we make as guys.
|
| 00:47:53 | On the way to
THE ( bleep ) KITCHEN,
We didn't co up with
anything to say.
|
| 00:48:02 | We have no dialogue prepared,
and that's the first mistake,
because then
when we get in there,
right away,
what do we default to ?
|
| 00:48:12 | We swear a lot more,
we get louder,
and we point out the obvious.
|
| 00:48:15 | Right ?
|
| 00:48:16 | We come in, "oh, yeah,
"you're just gonna eat
"THE ( bleep ) NOODLES ?
|
| 00:48:19 | "Is that what you're
"GONNA ( bleep ) DO ?
|
| 00:48:22 | "JUST EAT ( bleep ) NOODLES
"On your ass ?
|
| 00:48:23 | "You're just gonna sit there--
"YOU'RE GONNA ( bleep )
"GONNA EAT ( bleep ) NOODLES
"All day,
"is that what you're gonna do ?
|
| 00:48:28 | "EAT THOSE ( bleep ) NOODLES ?
|
| 00:48:29 | "Yeah, who bought
"THE ( bleep ) NOODLES ?
|
| 00:48:31 | "Who bought
"THE ( bleep ) NOODLES ?
|
| 00:48:33 | "Just tell me the answer to this
"and I'll leave you alone.
|
| 00:48:35 | "I did, that's right,
"I BOUGHT THE ( bleep ) NOODLES.
|
| 00:48:37 | "ENJOY MY ( bleep ) NOODLES
"THAT I ( bleep ) BOUGHT--
"Every box, mine !
|
| 00:48:41 | "I ( bleep ) BOUGHT THEM.
|
| 00:48:43 | "And you know what ?
|
| 00:48:44 | "I ( bleep ) LOVE NOODLES,
"And I've loved them
"my whole life !
|
| 00:48:47 | "I love them, and you know why ?
|
| 00:48:48 | "You know why I love them ?
|
| 00:48:50 | "Because when I was
"a little boy,
"my dad used to buy me
"ALL THE ( bleep ) NOODLES
"I wanted.
|
| 00:48:54 | "He bought me all the noodles.
|
| 00:48:55 | "If I said,
"'daddy, I want some noodles,'
"HE ( bleep ) BOUGHT THEM,
"And you know why
"he bought them ?
|
| 00:49:00 | "'Cause he's
A SMART ( bleep ) GUY !"
"You don't even know !
|
| 00:49:08 | "
that's the last thing we always
have to say when we leave.
|
| 00:49:13 | "You don't even know.
|
| 00:49:14 | "You don't even--
"you don't even know.
|
| 00:49:17 | bob's helping
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|
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|
| 00:52:59 | gç
Dane: Let me tell you something.
|
| 00:53:16 | Recently, I was walking down
the street, I see this couple.
|
| 00:53:19 | They're about 80 years old,
and they stopped me
on the street.
|
| 00:53:23 | They said,
"young man, young man,
"would you please take a photo
"
and I could just see
their connection that they had.
|
| 00:53:32 | It was unlike anything
that I'd ever seen before,
and honestly, it was something
that I wanted in my life,
and I said,
I said, "i would love
to take your photo,"
and I took the camera--
edward was the man's name.
|
| 00:53:45 | I got to know them a little,
edward and phyllis.
|
| 00:53:47 | And I said, "well, listen,
"edward and phyllis,
"i'm gonna take this photo.
|
| 00:53:50 | This is gonna be a great photo,"
and it was in celebration
on this day, 55 years
that they'd been together,
55.
|
| 00:53:57 | So I said, "hey, hey,
"you two, you lovebirds,
"
and when I told them
to get close,
without any kind of obligation
or feeling forced,
edward immediately put his arm
around phyllis,
and he pulled her in close,
and she looked up at him,
like they were 16 years old.
|
| 00:54:14 | She was glowing,
looking up at edward,
and then I said, "i'm gonna
"give you a countdown,
"three, two, one,
"and then I'm gonna
"take the picture,
"
and then I hit it,
I said, "three, two--"
and before I hit one,
edward snuck a kiss
on her cheek.
|
| 00:54:27 | woman: AW !
|
| 00:54:28 | Dane: I know, I was there.
|
| 00:54:31 | And you know what I said ?
|
| 00:54:32 | "
three, two, one,
he snuck the kiss,
and, of course, she lit up,
like the fourth of july.
|
| 00:54:38 | And it was wonderful.
|
| 00:54:41 | Edward came over
to get the camera,
and I was just inspired,
because I had never seen
a love like that.
|
| 00:54:47 | I said, "edward, come here
"
"
I go, "you know, 55 years.
|
| 00:54:52 | "I can't make a relationship
"
and I go, "what is the key ?
|
| 00:55:00 | "Can you give me a little gem ?
|
| 00:55:01 | "Can you give me
"
and I'll never forget.
|
| 00:55:04 | He leaned in, he put his hand
right here on my neck,
and he pulled me in close,
and he said,
"i'll tell you, son.
|
| 00:55:09 | "
and he looked back at phyllis,
and he looked at me,
and he goes,
"cheat.
|
| 00:55:16 | YOU'VE GOTTA ( bleep ) CHEAT."
Oh, some of you
are not clapping.
|
| 00:55:33 | You're saying, "no, dane.
|
| 00:55:34 | "
listen, it sucks.
|
| 00:55:39 | It sucks.
|
| 00:55:40 | Look, I've been cheated on.
|
| 00:55:41 | I got cheated on.
|
| 00:55:42 | Okay, I mean,
I was literally cheatedon.
|
| 00:55:44 | I woke up, and they were
on top of me doing it.
|
| 00:55:46 | I was like, "oh, no !
|
| 00:55:48 | "
so I was literally cheated on.
|
| 00:55:57 | But I'll tell you something
right now.
|
| 00:55:59 | I'm telling you, no matter what,
even the message
I just gave you-- don't cheat !
|
| 00:56:04 | I'm telling you right now,
you can't cheat
because here's the thing:
When you cheat,
THAT ( bleep ) COMES BACK
To get you.
|
| 00:56:14 | It comes back.
|
| 00:56:15 | It's a vicious circle,
and it comes.
|
| 00:56:17 | It's like the movieghost,
when those black demons
come up out of the ground--
( screeching )
I'm gonna tell you right now,
I cheated.
|
| 00:56:28 | I was 20 years old.
|
| 00:56:29 | I cheated on this girl.
|
| 00:56:30 | I'll never cheat again
after what I experienced,
the horrific--
I'm telling you, dude, listen.
|
| 00:56:35 | That dude's cheating right now.
|
| 00:56:38 | He's with the girl that
he's having a cheat-fest with.
|
| 00:56:42 | You need to shut your lips
and learn.
|
| 00:56:54 | Here's the thing.
|
| 00:56:55 | You cheat, okay.
|
| 00:56:56 | You go, you cheat,
you do your cheat thing.
|
| 00:56:58 | You have all the crazy sex,
do all your things,
do all the things you can't do,
bionic sea horse.
|
| 00:57:04 | I know, I get it.
|
| 00:57:09 | And then immediately,
immediately on that ride home,
it starts to seep in, right ?
|
| 00:57:14 | You're driving home, and I know.
|
| 00:57:16 | I've been there.
|
| 00:57:17 | You're driving home.
|
| 00:57:18 | You keep looking at your eyes
in that rearview mirror,
no radio.
|
| 00:57:23 | You're in the complete silence
just thinking about
what you did,
and finally,
you turn that mirror away,
'cause you don't even wanna
look at yourself.
|
| 00:57:31 | You turn it, and what happens ?
|
| 00:57:32 | It turns back on its own.
|
| 00:57:33 | ( screeching )
You're just driving--
and by the way,
I know this is
the worst pantomime
in the history of driving.
|
| 00:57:42 | Look at this.
|
| 00:57:43 | I am all over
THE ( bleep ) ROAD.
|
| 00:57:45 | Do you see this ?
|
| 00:57:47 | ( screeching )
This is more realistic,
but it's just not as
aesthetically pleasing
to the eye.
|
| 00:57:57 | I DRIVE A ( bleep ) FORKLIFT,
Just for the sake of the joke.
|
| 00:58:00 | I just wanna do this.
|
| 01:00:50 | Dane: The worst is, too--
do you ever cheat,
and you get the person
that has the glitter ?
|
| 01:00:54 | Sometimes, the girls
wear the glitter,
AND THAT ( bleep ) GETS ON YOU.
|
| 01:00:57 | They've marked you,
and the whole ride home,
you're trying to
PICK THAT ( bleep ) OFF.
|
| 01:01:02 | It looks like you just
( bleep ) A PIXIE.
|
| 01:01:09 | Now it gets really pathetic,
right ?
|
| 01:01:11 | Because if you live with
the person, like I did,
you have to sneak into
your own house.
|
| 01:01:16 | That's your place,
and yet you're creeping up
that walkway,
and you've isolated the one key.
|
| 01:01:22 | You always isolate,
and then you grip the rest
of the keys,
and at that point, you're like,
"why do I have so many
"( bleep ) KEYS ?
|
| 01:01:31 | "I use two,
"and I have ten keys.
|
| 01:01:34 | "In my sleep,
"did I murder a janitor
"
I digress.
|
| 01:01:42 | So you've got your key,
and you have to sneak in,
and here's the thing,
you put that key
in that lock,
and here's the thing,
your lock was never louder
than on this night,
right ?
|
| 01:01:56 | It's like somebody put your lock
in stereo.
|
| 01:01:58 | Trying to be quiet, it's like--
( loud noises )
One of your neighbors is like,
"
"i know.
|
| 01:02:10 | "
( loud noises )
Then you open up the door
just enough.
|
| 01:02:18 | Whatever size you are,
that's how much you open it up.
|
| 01:02:21 | You just magician your way in.
|
| 01:02:24 | You just houdini your way
right into your own house.
|
| 01:02:30 | Sneak in, close that door.
|
| 01:02:31 | Here's the worst:
We had hardwood floors.
|
| 01:02:35 | Yeah.
|
| 01:02:37 | Those floors suck for cheating,
because they taunt you, right ?
|
| 01:02:43 | They're so old,
every step you take, it's like,
"cheater !
|
| 01:02:50 | "Liar !
|
| 01:02:53 | "
"SHUT THE ( bleep ) UP !
|
| 01:02:56 | "Shut up, floor.
|
| 01:02:57 | "I will buy you a rug.
|
| 01:02:59 | "
"
"
now what do you do ?
|
| 01:03:07 | You've gotta sneak
right into the shower.
|
| 01:03:09 | That's the first thing.
|
| 01:03:10 | You get into that shower,
you start washing off
YOUR ( bleep ),
Like you're gonna put 'em up
FOR AUCTION ONeBAY.
|
| 01:03:15 | Right ?
|
| 01:03:16 | You do the triangle scrub.
|
| 01:03:17 | One, two, top.
|
| 01:03:18 | One, two, top.
|
| 01:03:19 | Pantene pro-v,splat !
|
| 01:03:21 | One, two, top.
|
| 01:03:28 | Now you come out.
|
| 01:03:29 | You come out,
and there they are.
|
| 01:03:31 | They're laying in bed
waiting for you, sound asleep,
and the goal is, you have to--
you have to get into that bed
without making any movements,
without waking them, whatsoever.
|
| 01:03:41 | You get up to that bed,
you lift that sheet up.
|
| 01:03:43 | You don't even wanna
touch that bed.
|
| 01:03:45 | You try to
vampire yourself into--
you try to float gently,
like a piece of paper.
|
| 01:03:56 | But, of course, they wake up.
|
| 01:03:58 | They're gonna wake up
on that night.
|
| 01:03:59 | Any other night,
you could run in,
dive bomb, fart--
( fart noise ) AHH !
|
| 01:04:04 | Nothing.
|
| 01:04:05 | But on this night,
they wake up violently.
|
| 01:04:07 | They're like--
right, so she wakes up,
and she looks right at me,
and, of course, at this point,
they call you,
like, the most amazing nickname
that you don't wanna hear,
at that point.
|
| 01:04:22 | All right, she looks
right at me, she's like,
"
"
"hi, yeah, hi, perfect's home.
|
| 01:04:36 | "
then they start
looking at the time.
|
| 01:04:40 | "Oh, oh, baby,
"it's 4:30.
|
| 01:04:44 | "You said you were
"
"i know, I know, I know, baby.
|
| 01:04:55 | "I know, but I didn't
"
"well, where-- where were you ?
|
| 01:05:03 | "
and of course, again,
'cause we're guys,
we didn't think of
a good enough excuse,
SO WE START PATCHING ( bleep )
Together right there.
|
| 01:05:10 | "Where was I ?
|
| 01:05:13 | "
"i got lost in the world.
|
| 01:05:19 | "
"how did you get lost ?
|
| 01:05:23 | "
"because they changed
"all the roads.
|
| 01:05:29 | "The city is trying
"a new road system,
"and I was driving like,
'
"it was--
"
you know they're so out of it,
because they're tired,
that they start agreeing with
whatever you're saying, right ?
|
| 01:05:47 | "Oh, I thought I heard
"something on the news
"
"uh-huh, you did, you did.
|
| 01:05:55 | "
"oh, then when are they gonna
"
"tomorrow,
"when you're on them.
|
| 01:06:09 | "That's why I'm so late.
|
| 01:06:10 | "I had to help them
"FIX THE ( bleep ) ROADS.
|
| 01:06:12 | "I found the foreman,
"i put a hat on,
"i was like, we've gotta
"
"i'm just happy that you're home
"
and you think at this point,
"i did it.
|
| 01:06:25 | "I got away with it.
|
| 01:06:26 | "I cheated.
|
| 01:06:27 | I deceived,"
and you think that's
gonna make you feel better,
but it's not.
|
| 01:06:33 | Because here's what's
gonna happen next,
here's where the entire thing
comes and blows up in your face.
|
| 01:06:37 | The weird part is you cheated.
|
| 01:06:39 | You cheated.
|
| 01:06:40 | You're the cheater,
and yetyoubecome insecure
and suspicious of them.
|
| 01:06:49 | You start getting all paranoid
AND ( bleep )
And your girl's like,
"hey, baby,
"i'm just gonna go to the mall
"
00
"IN THE ( bleep ) AFTERNOON ?
|
| 01:06:56 | "WHAT THE ( bleep )
"Is going on ?
|
| 01:06:58 | "Call your mom on that phone.
|
| 01:06:59 | "Let me listen on this one.
|
| 01:07:00 | "Say, 'mom, what are we
'
"
"hey, baby, I'm gonna go
"
"OH, YEAH ? WITH WHOSE ( bleep )
"Are you washing your car ?
|
| 01:07:08 | "WHAT THE ( bleep )
"Is going on ?
|
| 01:07:10 | "
you start becoming paranoid,
every little thing
becomes, like, a clue.
|
| 01:07:20 | you start going through
THE OTHER PERSON'S ( bleep ),
Open up your girl's purse.
|
| 01:07:24 | THERE'S ( bleep ) LOOSE CHANGE
In there.
|
| 01:07:26 | You're like, "what is this,
"YOU ( bleep ) WHORE ?
|
| 01:07:28 | "Loose change ?
|
| 01:07:29 | "
you always go through
their stuff,
and that's the thing is,
guys, we get so paranoid.
|
| 01:07:37 | We think that when
we open our girl's purse,
we start getting nervous,
LIKE HIS ( bleep )
Gonna be in there, right ?
|
| 01:07:42 | Like, "ahh, I knew it,
"
Spicees?
|
| 01:08:07 | How many?
|
| 01:08:14 | Wow! That is a lot!
|
| 01:08:35 | woody.
|
| 01:08:35 | I have two girls, and they get into everything,
especially when it comes to this.
|
| 01:08:41 | So I had an idea.
|
| 01:08:42 | I need some control.
|
| 01:08:44 | You know, control how much time they spend
on the pc.
|
| 01:08:46 | Next thing you know, windows 7 comes out.
|
| 01:08:49 | Now it's really easy to get between them
and all the wrong stuff.
|
| 01:08:53 | I thought it up, and microsoft did it.
|
| 01:08:56 | ..
|
| 01:08:57 | To be heard once in a while!
|
| 01:08:59 | [ Girl ] YEAH, YEAH.
|
| 01:09:00 | I'm a pc and windows 7 was my idea.
|
| 01:09:06 | Welcome
progressive.com.
|
| 01:09:08 | Are you all right?
|
| 01:09:09 | A ferocious white whale
wrecked my boat.
|
| 01:09:11 | Well, I'm sure we can
..
|
| 01:09:15 | Ahab.
|
| 01:09:17 | Well, it looks like you haven't
had a claim in over four years,
so you don't have
to pay a deductible.
|
| 01:09:22 | That means you
saved $500!
|
| 01:09:24 | $500?
|
| 01:09:26 | I could get an electronic
fish-finder.
|
| 01:09:29 | That's the spirit.
|
| 01:09:30 | Saving you money
on boat insurance.
|
| 01:09:32 | Now that's progressive.
|
| 01:09:33 | Call or click today.
|
| 01:11:36 | Dane: You can't cheat, man.
|
| 01:11:38 | You've gotta support each other,
do things together
that are exciting, fun.
|
| 01:11:41 | Everything's finally back
to normal,
when one of you says
to the other one,
"hey, you know what
"we should do tonight ?
|
| 01:11:46 | "
that's when everything's okay.
|
| 01:11:49 | The other one looks at you,
and all of a sudden,
it's like that's
the most exciting thing
they've ever heard.
|
| 01:11:54 | "Oh, my god, yes !
|
| 01:11:55 | "Let's go on-line and see what's
"
and, to me, here's the thing:
I love the movies.
|
| 01:12:02 | I don't even call them
the movies.
|
| 01:12:03 | I call them
"
when I go to the movies,
let me tell you something
about me.
|
| 01:12:13 | I'm one of those people,
when I'm at the movies,
I get so into it
that I talk to the screen.
|
| 01:12:17 | I can't help it.
|
| 01:12:19 | I talk a lot.
|
| 01:12:21 | No, no, I'm telling you
right now,
I talk so much,
the black people behind me
are like, "shhhh.
|
| 01:12:29 | "
that's a lot of talking.
|
| 01:12:40 | You go to the movies, right ?
|
| 01:12:41 | And the second you get in there,
you're excited to be
at the movies together.
|
| 01:12:45 | You go in, right ?
|
| 01:12:47 | We get our tickets,
go through the lobby
right there, right ?
|
| 01:12:51 | You're going through the lobby,
and then, guys, we always stop.
|
| 01:12:53 | We try to be gentlemen, we stop.
|
| 01:12:54 | Girls do the same thing.
|
| 01:12:55 | We stop, we point over
at all the snack foods,
all the candies,
and we say, "hey, baby,
"hey, do you want some treats ?
|
| 01:13:02 | "
and girls, you always do
the same thing.
|
| 01:13:08 | You look over, right ?
|
| 01:13:09 | ..
|
| 01:13:15 | "No.
|
| 01:13:17 | "No, I'm still full
"frombennigan's.
|
| 01:13:20 | "
then we ask you again--
oh, yeah.
|
| 01:13:24 | Oh, my lord.
|
| 01:13:25 | Who doesn't love that sampler ?
|
| 01:13:28 | But we ask you again,
"baby, are you sure ?
|
| 01:13:31 | "
..
|
| 01:13:34 | "
you get into the theater.
|
| 01:13:42 | Even just getting into
the theater,
picking out your seats
becomes an adventure together.
|
| 01:13:46 | You're like,
"where do you wanna sit ?
|
| 01:13:48 | "Where do you like to sit ?
|
| 01:13:49 | "You wanna sit up close
"to the front
"or the middle ?
|
| 01:13:51 | "Let's do the middle.
|
| 01:13:52 | "Chase me into the middle !
|
| 01:13:53 | "Chase me into the middle !
|
| 01:13:54 | "
then you get down there,
and you always have to check out
the seats
and have a discussion
about how great
THE ( bleep ) SEATS ARE.
|
| 01:14:02 | You sit in the seats,
and you're like,
"wow, these are awesome seats.
|
| 01:14:05 | "These are so comfortable.
|
| 01:14:06 | "Oh, this goes up !
|
| 01:14:07 | "Look at this !
|
| 01:14:08 | "It's a cup holder,
"OR YOU CAN ( bleep ) ME,
"
"no, no, you can't see me.
|
| 01:14:19 | "You can't see me.
|
| 01:14:20 | "I'm in quarantine,
"i'm in quarantine.
|
| 01:14:21 | "Come here, I'm kidding.
|
| 01:14:22 | "
you're sitting there,
getting comfortable.
|
| 01:14:27 | And here's a little something
I want you guys to do, okay ?
|
| 01:14:29 | I came up with something.
|
| 01:14:30 | I give it to you guys right now.
|
| 01:14:31 | This will only work
every maybe four or five years.
|
| 01:14:34 | Somebody will set you up
for this perfectly,
but it gets a laugh every time.
|
| 01:14:38 | Here's what you do:
You're sitting there,
and the person
right behind you--
you're gonna hear their feet
start going--
( sucking noises )
And then they're gonna say
to the person they're with,
they're gonna go,
"these floors are sticky.
|
| 01:14:51 | "
that's when you go like this.
|
| 01:14:54 | GO, "I JUST ( bleep )."
That's great.
|
| 01:15:01 | "
oh, it's a blasty blast.
|
| 01:15:10 | You've gotta try it.
|
| 01:15:11 | So now we're sitting there,
and we're ready for the
cinematic adventure to begin,
and, of course,
something happens to you girls.
|
| 01:15:18 | Some kind of pungent
deliciousness is wafting through
the air,
and it floats into
your nostrils,
and then you just turn to us.
|
| 01:15:25 | Out of the blue, you're like,
"hey, I'm thinking
"
and we're almost a little
put off, because we just--
"oh, okay.
|
| 01:15:37 | "I asked you
"
"i didn't want anything then,
"but now I want something.
|
| 01:15:43 | "
"okay, stop doing that.
|
| 01:15:48 | "People around us,
"people around us,
"
I love this.
|
| 01:15:57 | Gis, you always
have to ask this,
because we're gonna
go eat whatever it is,
'cause we offer.
|
| 01:16:02 | We're like,
"hey, I'll go get it.
|
| 01:16:04 | "What do you want ?
|
| 01:16:05 | "
that's what we say,
and there's always a long pause,
and then you finally go,
"ummmm,
"
"THEY'VE GOT A ( bleep )
"Maine lobster.
|
| 01:16:15 | "What do you think they have
"out there ?
|
| 01:16:18 | "They have the same
"BULL ( bleep ) THEY'VE HAD
"Since '55:
"Popcorn and sodie-pop.
|
| 01:16:23 | "
no, you girls get specific.
|
| 01:16:26 | She goes, "okay, um,
"i wanna get some gummy fish,
"and do they have those
"chocolate coins
"in the aluminum ?
|
| 01:16:36 | "And anicee !
|
| 01:16:37 | "Iceein a bamboo cup.
|
| 01:16:38 | "The bamboo, 'cause it's not
"as cold on my hands.
|
| 01:16:41 | "Oh, and you know the cheese
"that comes with the nachos ?
|
| 01:16:44 | "Just the cheese.
|
| 01:16:46 | "No, I don't need the nachos.
|
| 01:16:48 | "No, just the cheese,
"
and then you go like this,
"
"oh, no, no.
|
| 01:16:57 | "My hopes was that
"after we left the theater,
"you would be obese.
|
| 01:17:00 | "Are you sure you don't
"want anything else,
"
"i wish my grandmother
"would die right now,
"so I could get
"the inheritance money
"to pay for all this.
|
| 01:17:16 | "
now, you get up,
and we all have to do the thing
where you pass by the people.
|
| 01:17:22 | "Sorry, excuse me.
|
| 01:17:24 | "
and you hate having to do that,
and I know you're like me.
|
| 01:17:30 | You're having
a mini panic attack,
and you always have to look.
|
| 01:17:33 | You always have to look back,
'cause I know you're thinking
what I am,
that one of those times
as you pass by,
somebody's gonna pull out
her giant dildo
AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ( bleep ).
|
| 01:17:42 | I know, me too !
|
| 01:17:43 | Me too !
|
| 01:17:45 | "No, no, not today.
|
| 01:17:47 | "Not today, not today !
|
| 01:17:49 | "Not today !
|
| 01:17:50 | "
so now we hustle up to the guy--
"hey, what's up ? hi.
|
| 01:18:00 | "Could i, yeah,
"i could I order the gummy fish,
"and do you have those
"chocolate coins--
"no, never mind.
|
| 01:18:06 | "I'll take aniceeand nacho--
"you know the cheese ?
|
| 01:18:11 | "JUST THE ( bleep ) CHEESE,
"Please.
|
| 01:18:13 | "No, I don't need the nachos.
|
| 01:18:15 | "I'll just take the--
"just the cheese.
|
| 01:18:16 | "Yeah, no, no, no nachos.
|
| 01:18:18 | "You can keep the nachos.
|
| 01:18:18 | "Yeah, just the--
"
now, I love this question.
|
| 01:18:22 | I love this question.
|
| 01:18:23 | The guy's gonna look at you,
he's gonna go,
"
"uh, no, I would like to
"make nine trips back and forth,
"like I'm a choo-choo train.
|
| 01:18:32 | "Of course I want
A ( bleep ) BOX."
But they're not gonna give you
a box.
|
| 01:18:38 | What they give you
is not legally a box.
|
| 01:18:40 | A box is rigid
and has weight distribution.
|
| 01:18:43 | THIS THING THAT HE ( bleep )
Unfolds and puts everything in,
I feel like I'm carrying
all of my items in a diaper.
|
| 01:18:48 | I'm carrying a diaper
of goodies.
|
| 01:19:56 | thingyou
morning.
|
| 01:19:57 | And the last thingyou see at night.♪♪♪♪ [
Piano ]
It stresses you out.♪♪♪♪ [ Pop ]
It calms you down.
|
| 01:20:05 | It helps you remember.
|
| 01:20:07 | It helps you forget.
|
| 01:20:09 | It keeps you connected.
|
| 01:20:10 | It's the only thingyou own that is alwayswithin
an arm's reach.
|
| 01:20:15 | Which is why youdon't need to get a phone.
|
| 01:20:17 | You need a phone that gets you.
|
| 01:20:20 | And you. And you.
|
| 01:20:23 | And we are HTC.
|
| 01:22:42 | Dane: Now, something happens.
|
| 01:22:43 | We get back into the theater,
and guys know this.
|
| 01:22:45 | Something happens, girls.
|
| 01:22:46 | We can never remember
where we reside in the theater.
|
| 01:22:49 | We don't know
WHERE THE ( bleep )
Our seats are anymore.
|
| 01:22:53 | So now we're standing.
|
| 01:22:54 | If the movie's started,
we're just standing
in the dark--
scared and alone,
and we just keep looking around,
and not only is it dark,
because the movie has started,
but the first 15 minutes
of the movie are, like,
A ( bleep ) CAVE SCENE.
|
| 01:23:09 | the first half hour
takes place on the dark side
of the moon.
|
| 01:23:13 | So you're just
standing there going,
"can they just do
"a flashback to a beach
"FOR, LIKE, TEN ( bleep ) DAMN
"
you're standing in the dark
trying to evolve into
a higher species.
|
| 01:23:23 | You're trying to, like,
become cat-like.
|
| 01:23:25 | "If I open my eyes super wide,
"maybe suddenly,
"
the person in that first seat
right next to you
is always just staring up at you
really pissed off, too.
|
| 01:23:38 | "This guy won't sit.
|
| 01:23:41 | "Would you please sit ?
|
| 01:23:42 | "I have a cockeye,
"and all I see is you
"and your flimsy box.
|
| 01:23:46 | "
now you're getting to the point
where you have to make
SOUND EFFECTS AND ( bleep ).
|
| 01:23:50 | YOU'RE LIKE, ( bird sounds ).
|
| 01:23:52 | ( airplane noise )
"
you finally get back to
your seat, and you're angry.
|
| 01:24:00 | You've been standing over
in the dark for five minutes,
and you finally go by everybody.
|
| 01:24:04 | You have that quick, silent
argument, where you're like,
"WHY DO YOU ALWAYS ( bleep )--
"I'm standing right over here !
|
| 01:24:08 | "TAKE THE ( bleep )ICEE.
|
| 01:24:09 | "
and the person behind you
always gives you a shush.
|
| 01:24:14 | "
and it's not just a shush.
|
| 01:24:17 | It's, like, the most--
like they went to
shush school, right ?
|
| 01:24:20 | It's like the best shush.
|
| 01:24:21 | You're like, "shhhhh-shush !
|
| 01:24:23 | "
right, and you snap ?
|
| 01:24:27 | "Yeah, shush ?
|
| 01:24:28 | "( bleep ) YOUR MOTHER !
|
| 01:24:30 | "( bleep ) YOUR MOTHER !
|
| 01:24:31 | "
"
"( bleep ) YOUR MOTHER !
|
| 01:24:37 | "
you sit down, you get situated,
and I'll say this, man.
|
| 01:24:47 | The thing I love about--
even more than the movie itself,
I love--
we all love the previews.
|
| 01:24:52 | You love the previews.
|
| 01:24:58 | And I'll tell you why,
because it doesn't matter
what anybody here
does for a living.
|
| 01:25:02 | Whatever your occupation is,
the reason you love
the previews,
it's because it's the one time
in all of our lives
that we all get to be a critic.
|
| 01:25:12 | Because you know,
as soon as that preview ends,
you're gonna turn to the person
next to you,
and you're gonna review
that film,
and whatever it is, you mean it.
|
| 01:25:24 | That first preview comes on,
"everyone !
|
| 01:25:28 | ( music )
"Where's the van ?
|
| 01:25:31 | "The van was supposed
"to be here !
|
| 01:25:33 | ( various sound effects )
"You !
|
| 01:25:39 | "Me !
|
| 01:25:40 | "
"that looks good.
|
| 01:25:51 | "
but then,
but then the next one comes on.
|
| 01:26:12 | The next trailer comes on,
the next preview.
|
| 01:26:14 | ( music )
"Fate--
( music )
"Cameron diaz--
( music )
"Oh, my god,
"i can't believe it's you
"
( music )
Stupid.
|
| 01:26:37 | Stupid, stupid.
|
| 01:26:53 | Can't they just put
A ( bleep ) BULB IN THERE ?
|
| 01:26:55 | Just a little 1-watt, right ?
|
| 01:26:56 | I spend 19 minutes
twisting around that hole.
|
| 01:26:59 | You ever think you've got it
in there,
AND YOU ( bleep ) DROP IT,
And it smashes all over ?
|
| 01:27:04 | Just splats.
|
| 01:27:05 | Then all of a sudden,
YOU'RE LIKE, "( bleep ) !"
The person behind you's like,
"I JUST ( bleep )."
I wanna thank you very much
for coming to the show tonight.
|
| 01:27:44 | By round of applause,
how do you feel ?
|
| 01:27:53 | I'm out of here.
|
| 01:27:54 | Thank you guys very much.
|
| 01:27:55 | Good night !
|
| 01:28:02 | Woo !
|
| 01:28:05 | Captioning made possible byCOMEDY CENTRAL
Captioned bySoundwriters™
|
