| 00:00:14 | ♪♪
|
| 00:00:34 | orale hbo!
|
| 00:00:38 | Orale -- let me say this about
immigration so you finally hear
it from a lecharles bentley --
latino.
|
| 00:00:49 | We ain't going nowhere, baby!
|
| 00:00:52 | Nowhere.
|
| 00:01:26 | If the immigration law passed,
2 million
mexicans would have to go back
to mexico.
|
| 00:01:38 | 1.2.
|
| 00:01:39 | That's 17 quincera.
|
| 00:01:44 | That ain't shit.
|
| 00:01:47 | That's seven qinceneras's and
two weddings.
|
| 00:01:57 | They tell me I got to go back
to mexico.
|
| 00:02:02 | I'll be right back, though,
watch my plate.
|
| 00:02:15 | Go like that so flies don't get
on it.
|
| 00:02:19 | Let me ask you many.
|
| 00:02:21 | Who do you think is running
this country?
|
| 00:02:28 | Guess.
|
| 00:02:36 | [Spanish music]
yeah!
|
| 00:02:45 | That's who.
|
| 00:02:54 | I'm so scared right now.
|
| 00:02:56 | I I wanted to try to find a guy
-- but now I'm afraid to ask.
|
| 00:03:03 | The guy next to me looks like
he does dry wall, but I'm
assuming right now they are all
gang related, let's go.
|
| 00:03:14 | You know what, white people
don't even want to talk to each
other anymore.
|
| 00:03:19 | They send text messages, oh, my
got o.m.g.
|
| 00:03:25 | Oh, my god, o.m.g.
|
| 00:03:27 | I came to the show to maybe
l.o.l.
|
| 00:03:35 | Maybe l.m.a.l.
|
| 00:03:40 | Laugh my ass off.
|
| 00:03:43 | And a kind of bond and maybe we
would be f.f.
|
| 00:03:53 | Best friends forever.
|
| 00:03:55 | I want to add one to the list.
|
| 00:03:58 | F.p.p.
|
| 00:03:59 | You know what that means?
|
| 00:04:00 | Fuck that puto.
|
| 00:04:03 | Fuck that put oh!
|
| 00:04:06 | What -- want to see how it
works?
|
| 00:04:12 | President bush, fuck that put
oh!
|
| 00:04:15 | Fuck that puto.
|
| 00:04:21 | Now I'm leaving.
|
| 00:04:22 | Come on, camera, let's go.
|
| 00:04:26 | President bush has got latinos
in his family.
|
| 00:04:29 | What the fuck, they got to go
back to where they came from
too?
|
| 00:04:36 | They don't know what to do
about immigration.
|
| 00:04:39 | President bush is like, try a
wall.
|
| 00:04:42 | Now they want to dig a dism and
put alligators in the ditch.
|
| 00:04:47 | You know what, motherfucker,
put alligators.
|
| 00:04:50 | In an hour, it will be shoes
and belts.
|
| 00:04:53 | Go for it.
|
| 00:04:57 | They'll be sufe fire --
souvenirs in an hour and a
half.
|
| 00:05:03 | [Speaking in spanish]
give me $40.
|
| 00:05:13 | No?
|
| 00:05:15 | Ok, give me five.
|
| 00:05:22 | Latinos are some bad ass
business people, aren't they?
|
| 00:05:26 | They'll sell you a blanket
that's still warm.
|
| 00:05:32 | Governor schwarzenegger, fuck
that puto.
|
| 00:05:38 | Fuck that puto.
|
| 00:05:42 | F.t.p.
|
| 00:05:43 | I got it now.
|
| 00:05:48 | Governor schwarzenegger is for
english only, ok?
|
| 00:05:52 | That's good, but you know the
problem there is, motherfucker,
you don't speak english.
|
| 00:06:11 | [Unintelligible] arnold
schwarzenegger being in favor
of english only would be like
lesbians against pussy.
|
| 00:06:36 | Marching around with signs, not
twat!
|
| 00:06:44 | Not twat.
|
| 00:06:49 | I've had uncles that were just
blistered -- I could understand
them better.
|
| 00:06:58 | Oh, he wants a beer.
|
| 00:07:05 | And arnold schwarzenegger broke
his leg skiing, nice.
|
| 00:07:09 | Let me tell you what my
grandmother used to tell me.
|
| 00:07:15 | Fucking, go faster.
|
| 00:07:16 | Go faster.
|
| 00:07:19 | I'm going down the hill -- let
me tell you this --
[cheers]
let me tell you this.
|
| 00:07:43 | He broke his leg skiing, that's
not going to happen to latinos.
|
| 00:07:49 | We'll never break our leg
skiing.
|
| 00:07:53 | If we go down the hill it's
usually because san diego is
right there.
|
| 00:08:03 | We don't go for the extreme
sports.
|
| 00:08:07 | Talking a walk in our
neighborhood is a fucking
extreme sport.
|
| 00:08:10 | Come on, dude, let's go
snowboarding, we'll do a shall
pike.
|
| 00:08:20 | I'm going to be in the car, I'm
GOING TOxnXHHXzX l(T0<8$XHtJ 2 PIPE TOO.
|
| 00:12:18 | You can vote english as an
official language but it will
never work because we're always
going to speak spanglish.
|
| 00:12:30 | That's all we've talked in our
house for years.
|
| 00:12:34 | I went to the store to buy a --
[speaking in spanish]
the shoes -- sold out.
|
| 00:12:48 | And I've been hiding them too.
|
| 00:12:52 | You remember hiding shit you
couldn't afford to buy that
day?
|
| 00:12:58 | Take this shit over here, man.
|
| 00:13:02 | I'll make a mark on it.
|
| 00:13:05 | Then you come back saturday
when you got money.
|
| 00:13:08 | Watch out, hey.
|
| 00:13:19 | We'll always speak english and
spanish.
|
| 00:13:22 | My friend used to yell at me in
spanish and I would yell back
at -- in english.
|
| 00:13:30 | -- I am!
|
| 00:13:35 | Right.
|
| 00:13:39 | [Speaking in spanish]
hdl -- hdlg.
|
| 00:13:55 | He goes for enchiladas.
|
| 00:14:02 | I was in a hotel and I was
afraid to stay in the
presidential suite.
|
| 00:14:08 | So they knock on the door, the
lady -- I open the door, he's
already cleaned the room.
|
| 00:14:28 | Gloria, never mind, he's
already cleaned the room.
|
| 00:14:34 | A skinny erecognize -- eric
estrada.
|
| 00:14:37 | Be nice to everybody.
|
| 00:14:39 | When its 1 I saw eric estrada
in the neighborhood, they were
filming the show.
|
| 00:14:46 | I went to shake his hand, he
didn't shake my hand.
|
| 00:14:52 | So be careful.
|
| 00:14:53 | 17 Years later, that kid might
have an hbo special and say
this -- eric estrada, fuck that
puto.
|
| 00:15:02 | 30 Years, motherfucker, here's
your wake-up call.
|
| 00:15:06 | Fuck you!
|
| 00:15:07 | I made it without your fucking
handshake, puto, fuck you!
|
| 00:15:13 | What's he going to do to me?
|
| 00:15:15 | I don't want to buy swampland.
|
| 00:15:23 | [Speaking in spanish]
rm aed in puto, that ought to
be his name.
|
| 00:15:35 | Let me say this, the country is
not what you thought it was.
|
| 00:15:38 | Everything that you touch
first, latinos touch.
|
| 00:15:42 | We're there every day early.
|
| 00:15:43 | Everything you touch.
|
| 00:15:46 | Let me give you some examples.
|
| 00:15:50 | Taco bell had some tainted
green onions.
|
| 00:15:53 | coli from
them.
|
| 00:15:58 | coli, the
whole world fucking stops.
|
| 00:16:04 | Who picks the onions?
|
| 00:16:07 | Latinos.
|
| 00:16:07 | You talk shit about it -- us,
it gets down to the fields.
|
| 00:16:14 | I didn't hear you, what did
they say about us?
|
| 00:16:17 | They don't want us here, we're
lazy and we're depleting the
system?
|
| 00:16:25 | Oh, yeah?
|
| 00:16:27 | Get an onion -- there, take
that shit to taco bell.
|
| 00:16:36 | Take this.
|
| 00:16:38 | There's your chalupa right
there.
|
| 00:16:45 | Here, let me put some hair.
|
| 00:16:48 | Think outside the bun.
|
| 00:16:58 | I don't fucking eat there, what
do I care.
|
| 00:17:01 | But if somebody gets e. coli.
|
| 00:17:06 | coli, I couldn't go
to pilates because I have the
squirts.
|
| 00:17:14 | I'm hot, I'm depleted since i
had e. coli.
|
| 00:17:22 | coli, it's
charo, the shits.
|
| 00:17:29 | And they don't want to stop.
|
| 00:17:33 | Now it's just water and corn.
|
| 00:17:52 | [Inaudible]
first it started with bad
spinach.
|
| 00:17:56 | That was us too.
|
| 00:18:02 | You're going to pay us $3 an
hour, we're not going to wash
it too.
|
| 00:18:08 | And if you wash -- we wash it,
you're not going to like the
water.
|
| 00:18:21 | Old school, remember that?
|
| 00:18:23 | Old school.
|
| 00:18:24 | The white dudesing -- no, i
DON'T ACTUALLY.XwXaHPhHXzXz
Incredibly unsantary.
|
| 00:22:39 | You could build up --
everything you touch, we touch
first.
|
| 00:22:43 | That's why we're here.
|
| 00:22:47 | Chevy couldn't be more
confused.
|
| 00:22:50 | Their slogan right now is "this
"
uh I don't think it's your
country anymore.
|
| 00:22:59 | You want to know who's country
it is, guess.
|
| 00:23:06 | [Spanish music]
>> not no more!
|
| 00:23:16 | And mariachi's music is the
heart and blood of the mexican
people.
|
| 00:23:24 | When I was little it sounded
like housecleaning music.
|
| 00:23:28 | Every time I heard that shit i
got to go vacuum, son of a
bitch.
|
| 00:23:35 | But once you're drunk -- people
don't have that shit, what do
they have.
|
| 00:23:50 | ♪♪ You spin me right now baby
right now
round round baby right round ♪♪
|
| 00:24:01 | ♪♪ latinos think anything done
correctly is gay.
|
| 00:24:13 | And not gay but mos puto, which
is really gay.
|
| 00:24:23 | If you're a gay and you're
walking a dog by yourself on a
leash?
|
| 00:24:30 | Mos put oh!
|
| 00:24:36 | Come on, biscuit.
|
| 00:24:40 | And if you're carrying some
plastic bags to pick up your
dog's shit, mas put oh!
|
| 00:24:50 | What do you think the dogs
think?
|
| 00:24:53 | Motherfucker, I didn't know you
wanted it.
|
| 00:24:55 | There's shit at the house.
|
| 00:24:57 | There's some shit under the bed
you haven't found.
|
| 00:25:01 | If you're collecting it, I'll
help you out.
|
| 00:25:06 | You could not look gayer.
|
| 00:25:08 | I don't know if starbucks did
it by design, if you -- but if
you walk with a starbucks tre,
no one can look cool.
|
| 00:25:17 | It's little and you got to hold
it up here.
|
| 00:25:20 | You're walking -- mo -- mas put
oh!
|
| 00:25:25 | You might be walking around
with a dick in your mouth.
|
| 00:25:33 | And if you got a blue tooth on
while you're doing it, get
another dick and put nit your
ass.
|
| 00:25:50 | There's a guy -- it will be
flashing, I'm a puto, I'm a
puto.
|
| 00:26:02 | ♪♪ You send me right round baby
right round ♪♪♪♪
|
| 00:26:10 | we're not built that way.
|
| 00:26:12 | We're different people.
|
| 00:26:14 | Negativity drives the culture.
|
| 00:26:17 | Latinos are driven by
negativity.
|
| 00:26:20 | How many times you want to go
to a party, the next morning
you find out three people got
shot!
|
| 00:26:28 | I should have gone.
|
| 00:26:31 | I had a feeling somebody was
going to get killed but i
didn't believe it!
|
| 00:26:37 | And now it's all about
self-esteem.
|
| 00:26:41 | If you have kids you have to
sign paperwork.
|
| 00:26:44 | If they play organizationed
---oed sports, you only yell
out encouraging things.
|
| 00:26:54 | You promote self-esteem -- mas
puta.
|
| 00:26:59 | That's ok, kids, don't worry.
|
| 00:27:02 | You're still getting the
trophy, you're fantastic.
|
| 00:27:05 | We are all your support system.
|
| 00:27:09 | And cheat.
|
| 00:27:10 | What did our parents yell when
they came to see us?
|
| 00:27:16 | Hey, open your fucking eyes!
|
| 00:27:19 | Get it!
|
| 00:27:21 | Get it!
|
| 00:27:23 | She don't know how to catch.
|
| 00:27:35 | Hold that person, I'm going to
go get him.
|
| 00:27:38 | Oh, now you run fast?
|
| 00:27:52 | [Cheers]
we're live on hbo!
|
| 00:27:57 | Do I look scared?
|
| 00:28:04 | Kids today cannot last like we
did.
|
| 00:28:07 | The kids today wouldn't last
one mother fucking day of our
childhood.
|
| 00:28:17 | I'm bored.
|
| 00:28:25 | There.
|
| 00:28:27 | Spend the whole day recovering.
|
| 00:28:35 | Louisiana.
|
| 00:28:36 | What is that?
|
| 00:28:37 | -- Allowance.
|
| 00:28:38 | What is that?
|
| 00:28:40 | I could have never gone to my
grandmother -- grandma?
|
| 00:28:49 | Hey!
|
| 00:28:52 | Can I have my allowance?
|
| 00:28:56 | You want your allowance?
|
| 00:28:59 | I allow you to live.
|
| 00:29:03 | I allow you to live.
|
| 00:29:05 | You get the hell out of here
before I kill you.
|
| 00:29:11 | Allowance?
|
| 00:29:13 | You know what?
|
| 00:29:14 | These kids wouldn't last.
|
| 00:29:16 | I used to kill flies for
entertainment.
|
| 00:29:20 | Chasing them with a rolled-up
newspaper.
|
| 00:29:23 | I'm going to kill you when i
get you.
|
| 00:29:26 | And you'd get them and torture
them.
|
| 00:29:33 | They wouldn't last one day.
|
| 00:29:37 | My grandmother wouldn't even
give me a whole popsicle,
that's how fucking tight she
was.
|
| 00:29:45 | Hey, come on -- over here.
|
| 00:29:51 | Could never do nothing in this
house!
|
| 00:29:56 | You want a -- you don't buy
one.
|
| 00:30:02 | Go to the freezer, get a fork
and scrape is ice.
|
| 00:30:07 | And take this.
|
| 00:30:10 | Why are you crying now?
|
| 00:30:16 | They used to take you to the
store but never buy you shit,
how did that work?
|
| 00:30:22 | Why am I here?
|
| 00:30:24 | And they would yell at you when
you got out of the car.
|
| 00:30:29 | And don't you ask me for shit,
I ain't buying you a god damn
thing.
|
| 00:30:38 | I'm greedy and he wants a --
I'm bleeding and he wants a
toy.
|
| 00:30:45 | I came to buy kotex and he
WANTS Aí=7'I5vqXwXaHH
I'm bleeding.
|
| 00:33:43 | I'm grateful.
|
| 00:33:44 | They wouldn't last one day.
|
| 00:33:47 | First of all, my daughter's 10.
|
| 00:33:50 | She gets bedtime stories every
night.
|
| 00:33:54 | Now I'm going to read harry
potter.
|
| 00:33:57 | It's getting so good.
|
| 00:33:59 | We're going to see what happens
to hernanny.
|
| 00:34:02 | My grandmother, no bedtime
story, just -- I'm not going to
tell you again.
|
| 00:34:08 | Go to sleep.
|
| 00:34:11 | I will put you to sleep.
|
| 00:34:14 | Go to sleep.
|
| 00:34:15 | You think I'm playing?
|
| 00:34:20 | I'm going to get the good night
juice.
|
| 00:34:26 | You know the benadryl?
|
| 00:34:29 | I'm tired of your shit.
|
| 00:34:31 | I'll drink one with you.
|
| 00:34:34 | 11'S a record.
|
| 00:34:36 | Eight, nine.
|
| 00:34:49 | You know what bedtime story we
got?
|
| 00:34:52 | The same one every time.
|
| 00:34:53 | You want a bedtime story?
|
| 00:34:55 | I'm going to tell you.
|
| 00:34:57 | Once upon a land, whatever they
say, far away tale -- once upon
a time, a long time ago, there
was a lady who drowned her kid.
|
| 00:35:21 | [Applause]
want me to get her?
|
| 00:35:28 | I'll go get her.
|
| 00:35:31 | You can go to bed.
|
| 00:35:32 | She's carpooling with a cocoye.
|
| 00:35:46 | Want me to show you a picture
of britney spears getting out
of the car?
|
| 00:35:58 | I didn't think you could make
panacho look bad, but I was
wrong.
|
| 00:36:08 | Oh, that looked like roast beef
thrown on the wall.
|
| 00:36:19 | I should sue her because
because of that picture, i
can't go to quizno's.
|
| 00:36:30 | It's toasted.
|
| 00:36:46 | Latinos shave their head every
day, it doesn't make the news.
|
| 00:36:51 | One crazy assed white bitch
does it, it's all over the
place.
|
| 00:36:56 | You know what, maybe she had
lies.
|
| 00:36:59 | Because I know in our house,
you couldn't scratch your head,
the next thing you were -- and
you're sleeping on my blanket,
the good one.
|
| 00:37:10 | I feel blood!
|
| 00:37:19 | White people get in some crazy
shit.
|
| 00:37:22 | Anna nicole smith has two dudes
going to court claiming to be
the father.
|
| 00:37:27 | That shit is crazy to latinos.
|
| 00:37:32 | I'm the father!
|
| 00:37:33 | No, I'm the father.
|
| 00:37:35 | That shit will never happen to
us.
|
| 00:37:38 | Hey, that's my kid.
|
| 00:37:41 | What am I saying?
|
| 00:37:47 | Different shit, and we're
raised with fear so we can be
around any environment and not
freak out.
|
| 00:37:54 | You know what I mean?
|
| 00:37:55 | When we're kids, we get on
rides when we're 3 that you
have to be 1 to get on.
|
| 00:38:02 | They send you into a bar to get
your dad.
|
| 00:38:14 | They want us to go home -- shut
your mouth, stupid!
|
| 00:38:22 | I couldn't swim and my
grandfather didn't give a shit.
|
| 00:38:27 | How come you're not swimming?
|
| 00:38:30 | I don't know how.
|
| 00:38:31 | I didn't hear you, what?
|
| 00:38:33 | You don't know how?
|
| 00:38:36 | Leave him, leave him!
|
| 00:38:39 | So that way you learn.
|
| 00:38:42 | Drink the whole pool, but
you're going to learn how to --
and the kids today, you try to
explain to them what it was
like when we were kids, you
might well be talking about the
mother fucking inkases, they
don't give a shit.
|
| 00:39:00 | You don't understand, we were
poor.
|
| 00:39:04 | Why?
|
| 00:39:05 | Didn't you guys work?
|
| 00:39:07 | Why?
|
| 00:39:07 | The kids today wouldn't last
one day.
|
| 00:39:10 | They can't even put a d.v.d.
|
| 00:39:12 | Back in the fucking case.
|
| 00:39:14 | Learn that shit rst.
|
| 00:39:24 | Shaggy dog.
|
| 00:39:25 | I almost got killed by that
"shaggy dog" d.v.d.
|
| 00:39:31 | And we don't have the shit they
had.
|
| 00:39:38 | Gogurt.
|
| 00:39:39 | Mom, can I have a gogurt?
|
| 00:39:44 | Lunchables?
|
| 00:39:48 | Lunchable?
|
| 00:39:49 | A juice box.
|
| 00:39:51 | We fucking drank from the
mangera, the water hole.
|
| 00:39:56 | And on a hot day, the first
hour and a half was hot water.
|
| 00:40:04 | That's hot!
|
| 00:40:05 | Drinking water from the hose
and it would taste like the
hose.
|
| 00:40:11 | Turn it off!
|
| 00:40:29 | I have a pool in my house they
live in.
|
| 00:40:33 | But you know what, I don't need
it, I never go in it.
|
| 00:40:36 | I needed a pool when I was 7,
not 45.
|
| 00:40:40 | What am I going to do, float it
-- in it like a -- when I was
little we didn't have pools.
|
| 00:40:50 | We shot water in the air and
ran under it.
|
| 00:41:00 | Jerry's kid, get your ass in
here!
|
| 00:41:04 | Get in here, water world.
|
| 00:41:09 | You know where I would swim?
|
| 00:41:10 | In the backyard, in all of our
back yards, the cement was
always une and the water
would collect and that's where
YOU'D LAY.kS#
[Coughing]
we didn't have water wings and
air pillows and air vest hats.
|
| 00:44:58 | We didn't have any off that
shit and we still survived.
|
| 00:45:03 | You know what our lunchable
was?
|
| 00:45:06 | Two weanies on a fork.
|
| 00:45:12 | Over the stove.
|
| 00:45:18 | With two corn tortillas.
|
| 00:45:23 | That was our lunchable.
|
| 00:45:25 | Then you would take the fork
and run it to the sink, put it
in.
|
| 00:45:44 | That was ours and that was a
black fork.
|
| 00:45:46 | You couldn't use any other
fork.
|
| 00:45:49 | I'm not going to tell you
again, don't be blacking the
fork.
|
| 00:45:55 | Simple, why can't you get it.
|
| 00:45:58 | Don't black the fork.
|
| 00:46:00 | I don't eat too.
|
| 00:46:01 | Do me a favor, respect my house
and don't black my fork!
|
| 00:46:11 | Fucking shit!
|
| 00:46:13 | That was my grandmother's
favorite word, fucking shit.
|
| 00:46:19 | She would be calm, the key
wouldn't fit in the lock --
fucking shit!
|
| 00:46:24 | And now me and my grandmother
fight because she has dementia.
|
| 00:46:32 | I take her to the doctor, you
know they have amber alerts?
|
| 00:46:40 | She thinks it's the same girl.
|
| 00:46:43 | We see on the freeway -- amber
got in another car.
|
| 00:46:49 | That's not the same girl.
|
| 00:46:52 | That's amber!
|
| 00:46:53 | It's a different -- they just
named it after -- you don't
know a fucking -- you don't
have any eyesight, you don't
see what I see.
|
| 00:47:06 | Amber alert, the girl's amber.
|
| 00:47:11 | Shit!
|
| 00:47:12 | And my grandmother, like a lot
of latinos are you know, racist
towards different cultures,
black people, you know.
|
| 00:47:21 | Some people clap, other people
-- I'm not going to laugh yet.
|
| 00:47:28 | I'll withhold judgment till i
hear.
|
| 00:47:34 | My grandmother had a girlfriend
that was 13, she was black, she
was beautiful.
|
| 00:47:39 | I loved her.
|
| 00:47:42 | She looked like -- they
stargazed, they went up to the
sky.
|
| 00:47:52 | I didn't know what to do with
them, I just wanted them.
|
| 00:47:57 | I was walking home with her, my
grandmother sees me and all she
has to do is honk.
|
| 00:48:10 | Get your ass home.
|
| 00:48:15 | Hey, herb.
|
| 00:48:18 | Get your ass home.
|
| 00:48:22 | You know the fucked up part?
|
| 00:48:24 | I was darker than her.
|
| 00:48:32 | So now my grandmother has
dementia.
|
| 00:48:36 | They don't know where they are,
right?
|
| 00:48:38 | She's on oxygen but it's not
connected to anything.
|
| 00:48:43 | She just wears the hose.
|
| 00:49:02 | I won't put her in a nursing
home because that's not what we
do.
|
| 00:49:07 | That's not what our culture
does.
|
| 00:49:11 | Our culture does not allow for
us to put our relatives in
nursing homes or convalescent
homes.
|
| 00:49:19 | That's not what we do.
|
| 00:49:20 | We keep them in the house with
us.
|
| 00:49:23 | They're in the back of the
house, but they're in the
house.
|
| 00:49:30 | They're in the room in the
back.
|
| 00:49:33 | The one that's always like 40
degrees colder than any other
-- and I told my grandmother in
1988 what -- when my
grandfather died, I said I'll
pay all your bills, you will
never have to worry about
another bill because I'm the
man of the house now.
|
| 00:49:51 | I'm the man, I'll pay the
bills.
|
| 00:49:54 | That was in 1988.
|
| 00:49:55 | If I had known that the bitch
was going to live this long --
you won't die.
|
| 00:50:03 | Why should I die, I got it
nice?
|
| 00:50:11 | She knows I'm on tv but she
thinks I'm raymond from
"
raymond, get over here.
|
| 00:50:21 | Where's boogie night.
|
| 00:50:24 | And now that she's old, she
needs round-the-clock nurses.
|
| 00:50:29 | Since she had problems with
black people when she was
younger, I decided to teach her
a lesson before she leaves
earth.
|
| 00:50:37 | So all her nurses are black.
|
| 00:50:39 | There's 12, and every one is
blacker than the other.
|
| 00:50:45 | The last two are almost purple,
that's how black they are.
|
| 00:50:50 | So that way you learn!
|
| 00:50:53 | So that way you learn.
|
| 00:50:56 | She'll call me up, she don't
know their names.
|
| 00:51:01 | I say what's the matter now?
|
| 00:51:06 | Diana ross -- who?
|
| 00:51:10 | Diana rots
[speaking in spanish]
>> I don't need that girl to
clean my ass!
|
| 00:51:19 | What?
|
| 00:51:21 | Five minutes later, what now.
|
| 00:51:26 | Chacka kaun stole my hat.
|
| 00:51:35 | Chaka kaun stole my sweater.
|
| 00:51:38 | Who?
|
| 00:51:41 | Chaka khan.
|
| 00:51:44 | SON OFof bed in thee
morning because my
back hurt so bad.
|
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|
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|
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|
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|
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|
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|
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|
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|
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|
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|
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|
| 00:54:49 | (ó(ó8W-2XwúóHXw SOSON OF A BITCH!
|
| 00:55:11 | Let me tell you this.
|
| 00:55:13 | People don't want us here --
it's the same thing to not want
latinos in the united states.
|
| 00:55:22 | We do all the jobs that no one
in america wants to do.
|
| 00:55:27 | Who do you think is rebuilding
new orleans?
|
| 00:55:31 | Guess.
|
| 00:55:32 | [Mariachi music]
you know who?
|
| 00:55:46 | Fema, that's who.
|
| 00:55:50 | Buying every mexican available.
|
| 00:56:00 | That's right.
|
| 00:56:01 | Us.
|
| 00:56:02 | Us.
|
| 00:56:02 | Like it or not.
|
| 00:56:04 | 30 in the morning, we're
working.
|
| 00:56:07 | We're not at starbucks playing
fucking sudoku.
|
| 00:56:14 | I love to play sudoku.
|
| 00:56:17 | Oh, my god, it's so good.
|
| 00:56:20 | I am transfixed on sudoku.
|
| 00:56:26 | Don't talk to me, I'm doing
sudoku.
|
| 00:56:31 | I guess that's like novella to
latino people.
|
| 00:56:35 | I'm 45 years old, I'll will --
it be be 46 in april and I am
old school.
|
| 00:56:42 | Old school!
|
| 00:56:44 | The older I get the more i
yearn -- watch how I use big
words -- I yearn.
|
| 00:56:54 | Like latinos, we can't go
anywhere and not drink, I'm
sorry.
|
| 00:57:00 | We must drink.
|
| 00:57:02 | We must.
|
| 00:57:04 | And not social either.
|
| 00:57:05 | We don't social drink.
|
| 00:57:08 | Would you like another
chardonnay?
|
| 00:57:13 | Oh, god, I better not.
|
| 00:57:15 | Want to see us at our limit?
|
| 00:57:17 | Get it out, grandma, get it
out.
|
| 00:57:22 | You're only 87 once.
|
| 00:57:26 | Watch out.
|
| 00:57:30 | Let's take a picture.
|
| 00:57:34 | That's my grandma, she's not
going to remember.
|
| 00:57:41 | Whenever latinos talk, we
always have some sound effects
with it.
|
| 00:57:45 | Last night I went to this place
--
[whistling]
you know we're in trouble when
you say words
[speaking in spanish]
and unbeknownst to me -- hey,
unbeknownst.
|
| 00:58:06 | My lady was watching --
[speaking in spanish]
I told her, that wasn't me.
|
| 00:58:19 | I tried and talk to her after
she was inconsolable.
|
| 00:58:26 | We drink and always end up with
a hangover but yet still go to
church.
|
| 00:58:34 | That's how good catholics we
are.
|
| 00:58:38 | Did you ever go to church with
a stamp.
|
| 00:58:43 | You use holy water to try to
get it off.
|
| 00:59:02 | Even when you go take co-mune
onyou can't walk in a straight
line.
|
| 00:59:25 | And that priest will smell your
breath.
|
| 00:59:40 | You know the perfect religion
for latinos?
|
| 00:59:44 | Muslim.
|
| 00:59:44 | Because you can worship
hungover.
|
| 01:00:04 | Allah!
|
| 01:00:16 | I'M ALL RIGHT, I'M ALL RIGHT. fffffffff&f"&"""""""DTQIáI%I$I
b8 @xx@
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| 01:03:26 | xnVHXzpó
And in the old days, I loved
that women had -- pello.
|
| 01:03:45 | ♪♪ Pello -- pelo ♪♪♪♪
|
| 01:03:58 | that shit looked like it was
smuggling a commodore.
|
| 01:04:02 | And the more hair they had the
sexier it was.
|
| 01:04:05 | I'd come out the back.
|
| 01:04:11 | And when it was hot, the hair
would stick to their legs.
|
| 01:04:22 | Can't wait!
|
| 01:04:23 | And she had hair and you had
hair and together that hair --
and that hair was course and --
source and she was tight.
|
| 01:04:36 | It hurt.
|
| 01:04:38 | And the whole room would smell
like carne s -- asada.
|
| 01:04:50 | Save me a plate.
|
| 01:04:58 | It doesn't look like it looks
now now it looks like a dead
bird.
|
| 01:05:05 | There's nothing down -- back in
the day, the only time they
shaved you was when you had
your appendix out.
|
| 01:05:14 | And you had to work to find it
because it was so -- that's why
they called it -- because they
might grab it.
|
| 01:05:26 | I'm sorry, let -- shit, my arm,
my arm!
|
| 01:05:31 | You'd be working and try to
find it.
|
| 01:05:33 | Nothing.
|
| 01:05:34 | Nothing.
|
| 01:05:34 | Oh, shit, what did I do?
|
| 01:05:36 | I wasn't paying attention,
which finger?
|
| 01:05:40 | Better, better or worse?
|
| 01:05:43 | Better.
|
| 01:05:45 | That means si or no.
|
| 01:05:47 | Yes, no, maybe.
|
| 01:05:51 | That one rht there in ay, ay.
|
| 01:06:03 | And you'd get in it, man.
|
| 01:06:06 | You'd be down in there --
[barking]
and the hair was little but
when you stretched it it was
like that long.
|
| 01:06:39 | And latinos could eat pussy,
let me tell you that.
|
| 01:06:44 | We were down at home.
|
| 01:06:46 | We ate all day.
|
| 01:06:49 | With a corn tortilla in one
hand -- juice.
|
| 01:07:01 | That's how we did it.
|
| 01:07:08 | And they even had hair around
the nipple.
|
| 01:07:11 | Like curb feelers.
|
| 01:07:13 | Oh, shit.
|
| 01:07:16 | It was different back then.
|
| 01:07:18 | Back then, latinos weren't
trying to be white like they
are now.
|
| 01:07:27 | I know you died your hair.
|
| 01:07:29 | Don't make me turn the lights
on.
|
| 01:07:32 | Bitch.
|
| 01:07:33 | Leave your hair the natural
color.
|
| 01:07:41 | [Cheers]
leave it -- no one will ever
convince you for being blonde,
please.
|
| 01:07:50 | You got blonde hair and black
fucking arm hair, that's shit.
|
| 01:07:55 | As soon as you talk you'll give
yourself away.
|
| 01:07:58 | What are you looking at, bitch?
|
| 01:08:00 | Wait a minute.
|
| 01:08:01 | You're not one of us.
|
| 01:08:04 | What's your name, sacora?
|
| 01:08:07 | Oh, no.
|
| 01:08:09 | Come here.
|
| 01:08:10 | You're going to the office.
|
| 01:08:13 | Desiree can you take socorro?
|
| 01:08:18 | And save your eyebrows.
|
| 01:08:20 | Quit plucking them.
|
| 01:08:21 | That shit does not look good!
|
| 01:08:25 | Half the girls are clapping.
|
| 01:08:27 | The other half -- I'm going to
put a blue tooth on.
|
| 01:08:36 | You can look like your aunt
that's all bitter with the two
lines.
|
| 01:08:40 | You look like you're going
downhill on a bike fast.
|
| 01:08:51 | That shit does not look good.
|
| 01:08:55 | Just was a sharpie now.
|
| 01:08:59 | Put that sharpie and you don't
turn your, you just turn
your head.
|
| 01:09:06 | You put that sharpie in soap
and turn slowly down.
|
| 01:09:11 | If you want them arched, just
dip and down.
|
| 01:09:15 | Perfect every time.
|
| 01:09:19 | I was home one day and I didn't
want to -- no one to know so i
put the lines -- and I looked
that way -- I looked surprised,
people would be scared, what?
|
| 01:09:36 | And I went to a funeral and i
didn't know the man and I put
it -- looked like I was in
MOURNING.XwXaH
What a loss.
|
| 01:13:47 | I have a garges I can't say her
name because I'll get pseudo.
|
| 01:13:55 | You know who it is.
|
| 01:13:56 | She tries to be young, that
train passed.
|
| 01:13:59 | She's 2 years old with a belly
rig.
|
| 01:14:02 | That shit looks like a place to
put air.
|
| 01:14:06 | I could just sneak up with the
air hose.
|
| 01:14:09 | And she wears a halter top in
the summer -- they look like
two towels hanging on a rack.
|
| 01:14:27 | And she has four kids.
|
| 01:14:29 | Let me tell you this.
|
| 01:14:31 | I couldn't believe somebody
fucked her once.
|
| 01:14:39 | She's not on hbo, fuck her.
|
| 01:14:47 | F.t.b.
|
| 01:14:47 | Fuck that bitch.
|
| 01:14:48 | She should have been nicer to
me.
|
| 01:14:52 | Can't with young.
|
| 01:14:53 | The time has passed.
|
| 01:14:55 | Just enjoy your time and just
li in the time.
|
| 01:14:58 | Don't try to be young, be
yourself!
|
| 01:15:03 | She wears a thong, it's not
even in the crack, it's on the
side.
|
| 01:15:12 | Put it in the middle.
|
| 01:15:15 | No, I don't want to get it
dirty.
|
| 01:15:20 | I pit it in the middle but --
latinos are different people.
|
| 01:15:31 | We're not going to drive
hybrid, let me tell you that
right now.
|
| 01:15:36 | That's not our style.
|
| 01:15:37 | We don't give a fuck about
global warming, the
environment, we don't give a
shit!
|
| 01:15:43 | We don't care if gas costs $8 a
gallon.
|
| 01:15:49 | We're going to put in $11,
whatever price it is.
|
| 01:15:54 | And we can't drive a car that
don't make noise.
|
| 01:15:57 | I get 65 miles to a gallon.
|
| 01:16:00 | >> Yeah, but you look like a
puto doing it.
|
| 01:16:03 | That's not fair.
|
| 01:16:06 | We want to conserve gas, we
drive slower.
|
| 01:16:11 | We need cars that -- some
people have a car that didn't
turn off after you turned it
off?
|
| 01:16:21 | Look at the white people.
|
| 01:16:24 | I don't know, we always had it.
|
| 01:16:27 | The lo tennis, you turn it off,
that -- latinos, you turn it
off, that car would be alive.
|
| 01:16:35 | still be
jumping.
|
| 01:16:39 | -- It would still be jumping.
|
| 01:16:41 | It will turn off.
|
| 01:16:42 | It will turn off.
|
| 01:16:43 | When a car don't start in a
latino neighborhood, that's
when the fun starts.
|
| 01:16:50 | Everybody's an expert.
|
| 01:16:52 | Put gas in the hole, in the
hole!
|
| 01:16:54 | Put it in the hole!
|
| 01:16:56 | Have you consulted the owner's
manual?
|
| 01:17:01 | I'm the owner.
|
| 01:17:04 | And that manual -- and that's
manual.
|
| 01:17:16 | [Applause]
manuel, put it in the hole !
|
| 01:17:24 | I live in a neighborhood that's
very white, and I live in the
middle of the street with a
half-built fence so they know
that a mexican lives there.
|
| 01:17:36 | And I don't even use the gate.
|
| 01:17:38 | I jump the fence when I get
home.
|
| 01:17:44 | Because that's where the
country is going.
|
| 01:17:48 | 39 Million latino people in the
united states.
|
| 01:17:53 | Million!
|
| 01:17:54 | [Applause]
and now there's a voice.
|
| 01:18:03 | 39 Million.
|
| 01:18:05 | I don't know how they count us
because when you knock on our
door, we hide.
|
| 01:18:09 | Don't knock on our door.
|
| 01:18:11 | We're not going to answer.
|
| 01:18:16 | But you honk, we all run out.
|
| 01:18:23 | I thought that was my ride.
|
| 01:18:31 | We do the best work.
|
| 01:18:35 | Cheaper, better, faster.
|
| 01:18:37 | You understand?
|
| 01:18:39 | Cheaper, better, faster.
|
| 01:18:45 | Permit?
|
| 01:18:47 | You permit me, so I'm doing it.
|
| 01:18:52 | I have to get a circuit breaker
put in my house so I handled a
guy with a legitimate license
and a blue too.
|
| 01:19:03 | Can I a that -- call you back,
I'm talking to -- we'll have to
wait for the inspect oirp to
come up with a box, make sure
the wire is the proper gauge
and the equipment is flame
retard and.
|
| 01:19:22 | Don't give me a retarded one.
|
| 01:19:24 | I want a real one.
|
| 01:19:25 | So I passed on that dude.
|
| 01:19:27 | I hired a mexican dude that
showed up with his wife and
kids all in the front seat,
nobody in the backseat.
|
| 01:19:34 | And when he pulled up, you know
what music was playing?
|
| 01:19:39 | Guess.
|
| 01:19:41 | [Mariachi music]
so he walks up.
|
| 01:19:56 | Do you speak english?
|
| 01:19:58 | Sorry?
|
| 01:19:59 | Do you speak english?
|
| 01:20:00 | Yes.
|
| 01:20:02 | Ok, me too.
|
| 01:20:10 | Somebody taught him that, told
him it was dumb to say.
|
| 01:20:17 | You want a circuit breaker?
|
| 01:20:21 | Yes.
|
| 01:20:22 | Ok -- what your mother?
|
| 01:20:30 | Anyway, ok.
|
| 01:20:31 | I want to put a circuit
breaker.
|
| 01:20:33 | No, you can do.
|
| 01:20:35 | You can do.
|
| 01:20:36 | You can do.
|
| 01:20:36 | You want to put nit front?
|
| 01:20:40 | In front?
|
| 01:20:46 | F-r-o-n-the.
|
| 01:20:50 | Oh, in the front, yes.
|
| 01:20:52 | How much is it?
|
| 01:20:53 | Give me a case and a and a
half.
|
| 01:20:57 | I'll be done like that.
|
| 01:20:59 | How much is it going to cost?
|
| 01:21:02 | Nothing.
|
| 01:21:03 | It's not going to cost you
nothing because I don't care.
|
| 01:21:06 | I'm not connected to your
neighbor's house.
|
| 01:21:14 | [SPEAKING IN SúóóóóóóóóóóóóxnVHXSH]
You want to take about illegal
aliens, I think we should look
at the asian people.
|
| 01:25:17 | I went to see cirque du soleil
in las vegas, they get in a
little ass box.
|
| 01:25:26 | I think we start there first.
|
| 01:25:28 | You go to mcdonald's, order a
happy mill and 11 cheenos are
going to pop up.
|
| 01:25:38 | They got all my toys and ran
away!
|
| 01:25:41 | They say a lot of the
immigrants early on were air --
asian did you -- but I don't
believe it.
|
| 01:25:48 | I think they were just latinos
with the sun in their eyes.
|
| 01:25:59 | We don't need blueprints are
schemematics or designs.
|
| 01:26:04 | We do shit by heart, we do shit
by ear.
|
| 01:26:08 | We don't have measurements.
|
| 01:26:11 | We're not going to show up with
a scope -- let's see here.
|
| 01:26:15 | Brian, can you move over a
scosh?
|
| 01:26:19 | Fantastic.
|
| 01:26:19 | What do we do, we walk in the
yard in our boxers.
|
| 01:26:24 | What do you want?
|
| 01:26:26 | We close one eye, more, more.
|
| 01:26:30 | I can see you now, mark it.
|
| 01:26:36 | Let me tell you this -- america
is the greatest country in the
world.
|
| 01:26:43 | That's why everybody wants to
come here.
|
| 01:26:47 | For the american dream --
dream.
|
| 01:26:49 | That's what everybody wantsed
in the beginning, that's what
everybody wants now.
|
| 01:26:52 | I am a living example of the
american dream.
|
| 01:26:56 | I came from no place!
|
| 01:26:59 | No mother, no father.
|
| 01:27:03 | Nobody in my family -- family
who believed in me, and this
year, my show will go into
syndication.
|
| 01:27:14 | [Applause]
it means george lopez ain't
going nowhere!
|
| 01:27:29 | And my family always told me
that I would end up on the
street.
|
| 01:27:34 | You're worthless, george,
you're going to end up on the
street.
|
| 01:27:37 | You know what, they were right,
I did end up on the street, on
the hollywood walk of fame.
|
| 01:27:45 | Thank you, america!
|
| 01:27:48 | [Cheers]
♪♪ ♪♪♪♪ú 89h (úú 89h (úú 89h (úú 89h (úú
89h (úú 89h (úú 89ú 89ú 89ú 89ú 89ú 89ú 89ú
89ú 89úp8980úDON'S NOW ♪♪
|
| 01:28:27 | ♪♪ The lowrider don't drive too fast ♪♪
|
| 01:28:35 | ..]
.. ♪♪
|
| 01:28:59 | 3 2 f1
|
