| 00:00:02 | you'll want to share them with your friends
and help
them have better relationships.
|
| 00:00:07 | So our topic is the most important word in
the
English language, and the most confusing
word in the
English language.
|
| 00:00:15 | I say that love is the most important word
because, we, if you look at our music,
if you look at our litature,
if you look at our movies, if you look at
our
religions, you will find that love is a central
theme in all of them.
|
| 00:00:30 | But it's a confusing word, because we use
the word
love in a thousand ways.
|
| 00:00:35 | We say, for example, "I love hot dogs!"
And then we say, "I love my mother."
I thk there's a difference.
|
| 00:00:42 | Hot dogs and mothers?
|
| 00:00:43 | But we use the same word to talk about a
thousand things.
|
| 00:00:46 | I'm going to discuss only one way in which
we use
the word love.
|
| 00:00:50 | And that is love as an emotional need.
|
| 00:00:55 | I agree with Dr. Ross Campbell,
a psychiatrist who said, inside every child
there's
an emotional love tank.
|
| 00:01:03 | And when the love tank is full,
that is the child genuinely feels loved by
the parents, the child grows up normally.
|
| 00:01:09 | But when the love tank is empty,
the child grows up with many internal struggles.
|
| 00:01:15 | And in the teenage years, the child will
go looking
for love, typically in all the wrong places.
|
| 00:01:21 | But I believe that adults also have a love
tank.
|
| 00:01:24 | And if you're married, the person you would
most like
to love you, is your spouse.
|
| 00:01:29 | In fact, if you feel loved by your spouse,
the whole world looks bright.
|
| 00:01:34 | But if the love tank is empty and you feel
like,
"They don't love me, they wish they weren't
married
to me," the whole world can begin to look
dark.
|
| 00:01:42 | Well, what we're going to talk about is how
to keep
the love tank full in our marriage, with
children,
and in all of our relationships.
|
| 00:01:51 | The question is, how do you communicate love,
so the other person will feel loved?
|
| 00:01:57 | I'm convinced, that after 30-plus years now
of
marriage and family counseling,
that there's fundamentally five ways to express
love emotionally.
|
| 00:02:06 | I call them, the Five Love Languages.
|
| 00:02:08 | I want to share them with you and show you
how they
work in a marriage, and you will readily
see how
they work in other relationships.
|
| 00:02:14 | Love Language number one: Words of affirmation.
|
| 00:02:18 | Using words to affirm the other person.
|
| 00:02:22 | Ladies, has your husband said anything similar
to
this in the last week: "You look nice in
that outfit."
Husbands, has your wife said anything similar
to
this in the last week: "Ooh,
do you ever look tough tonight!"
Try that one on!
|
| 00:02:40 | You know, there's an ancient proverb that
says
"Life and death are in the power of the tongue."
You can kill your spouse or give them life
by the
way you talk to them.
|
| 00:02:50 | Words of Affirmation.
|
| 00:02:51 | A second language is Gifts.
|
| 00:02:54 | My academic background is anthropology,
the study of cultures.
|
| 00:02:58 | We have never discovered a culture in which
gift-giving is not an expression of love.
|
| 00:03:03 | It's universal to give gifts as an expression
of love.
|
| 00:03:08 | Now the gifts need not be expensive.
|
| 00:03:10 | Haven't we always said, "It's the thought
that counts?"
But I remind you, it's not the thought left
in your
head that counts, it's the gift that came
out of the
thought in your head.
|
| 00:03:21 | You kn, guys, you can get a nice card for
five dollars.
|
| 00:03:28 | You can't afford the card?
|
| 00:03:29 | Do you remember how you fold the paper,
take the scissors, open up the heart,
and write "I love you?"
Or you can get flowers free,
just go out in your backyard and pick one.
|
| 00:03:41 | You don't have any flowers in your backyard?
|
| 00:03:44 | Your neighbor's yard, ask them!
|
| 00:03:46 | They'll give you a flower.
|
| 00:03:47 | A third Love Language is Acts of Service.
|
| 00:03:50 | Doing something for the other person that
you know
they would like for you to do.
|
| 00:03:55 | Number four is Quality Time, by which I mean,
you give the other person your undivided
attention.
|
| 00:04:04 | I don't mean, sitting on the couch
watching television.
|
| 00:04:07 | Someone else has your attention.
|
| 00:04:09 | I'm talking about sitting on the couch with
the TV off,
looking at each other and talking.
|
| 00:04:15 | Do you all have couches?
|
| 00:04:17 | What do you do with those things?
|
| 00:04:19 | Have you ever tried this: Sitting on the
couch with
the TV off, looking at each other.
|
| 00:04:24 | It can be scary at first, and talking to
each other.
|
| 00:04:29 | Or the two of you taking a walk down the
road just
talking with each other.
|
| 00:04:33 | Or going out to eat, assuming you talk with
each other.
|
| 00:04:37 | Incidentally, have you noticed at a restaurant,
you can almost always tell the difference
between
dating couples and married couples.
|
| 00:04:45 | Dating couples will look at each other and
talk.
|
| 00:04:48 | Married couples sit there and.
|
| 00:04:52 | You'd think they went there to eat.
|
| 00:04:54 | It's a powerful communicator,
when you give someone your undivided attention.
|
| 00:04:59 | Love Language number five is Physical Touch.
|
| 00:05:03 | We've all known the emotional power of
physical touch.
|
| 00:05:06 | That's why we pick up babies.
|
| 00:05:09 | We hold them, and kiss them,
and cuddle them and long before the baby
understands the meaning of the word love,
the baby feels love by physical touch.
|
| 00:05:17 | Now in marriage, I'm talking about holding
hands.
|
| 00:05:20 | I'm talking about kissing, I'm talking about
embracing, I'm talking about the whole sexual
part of the marriage.
|
| 00:05:26 | I'm talking about arm around their shoulder.
|
| 00:05:28 | Or driving down the road, you just put your
hand on their leg.
|
| 00:05:32 | Or you're sitting around the house and they
walk by,
and you just trip them.
|
| 00:05:36 | I'm kidding, I'm kidding!
|
| 00:05:38 | Physical touch is a powerful communicator.
|
| 00:05:41 | Now listen to me very carefully.
|
| 00:05:43 | Out of the five Love Languages,
each of us has a primary Love Language.
|
| 00:05:49 | We can receive love in all five languages,
but one of them speaks more deeply to us
than the other four.
|
| 00:05:56 | If you had to give up one, you'd give up
this one.
|
| 00:06:00 | Or this one.
|
| 00:06:01 | But not this one.
|
| 00:06:01 | That's the one that really makes you feel
loved.
|
| 00:06:04 | That is your primary Love Language.
|
| 00:06:06 | It's very similar to spoken language.
|
| 00:06:10 | Every one of us grows up, speaking a language
with a dialect, okay?
|
| 00:06:14 | I grew up speaking English, southern style.
|
| 00:06:17 | But everyone grows up speaking a language
with a dialect.
|
| 00:06:21 | And that's the one you understand best.
|
| 00:06:24 | The same is true with love.
|
| 00:06:27 | Now once in a while someone says to me,
"I don't know, Gary.
|
| 00:06:30 | I think two of those are just about equal
for me."
And my response?
|
| 00:06:33 | Fine, we'll give you two Love Languages,
we'll call you bilingual.
|
| 00:06:37 | But most of us have a primary Love Language,
a secondary Love Language, and then the other
three
following in line under that.
|
| 00:06:45 | In marriage, almost never, does a husband
and wife
have the same Love Language.
|
| 00:06:52 | It happens but not very often.
|
| 00:06:54 | And by nature, we speak our own language.
|
| 00:06:57 | We do what would make us feel loved.
|
| 00:07:00 | For example, here's a young gal who grew
up in a
home where she didn't feel much love from
her father,
but every morning her father would say,
"I love you, honey, have a good day!"
Words of Affirmation.
|
| 00:07:14 | But if she didn't feel loved,
then Words of Affirmation was not her Love
Language.
|
| 00:07:18 | So she's married now, but she doesn't feel
loved
by her husband.
|
| 00:07:23 | But if she says to him, "I just feel like
you don't love me."
He will likely say to her, "Don't love you?
|
| 00:07:30 | What are you talking about,
that's the first thing I say every morning!
|
| 00:07:34 | And every afternoon when I come home,
that's what I tell you, I love you.
|
| 00:07:37 | What do you mean I don't love you?"
But you see, her Love Language may be Acts
of Service.
|
| 00:07:43 | If so, what she's feeling is, "You know,
I'm tired of 'I love you, I love you.'
If you love me, why don't you do something
to
help me around here.
|
| 00:07:51 | Look at you, watching television while I
work.
|
| 00:07:54 | What's this all about?"
You see, she doesn't feel loved,
even though he is sincere.
|
| 00:08:00 | I believe there are literally thousands of
couples who are sincere as they can be,
they are loving each other,
but they are not speaking the right Love
Language.
|
| 00:08:10 | And consequently, the love tank is empty.
|
| 00:08:14 | Now what if the Love Language of your spouse
is
something that doesn't come natural for you?
|
| 00:08:23 | And my answer is...
|
| 00:08:25 | So, you learn to speak it!
|
| 00:08:27 | My wife's Love Language is Acts of Service.
|
| 00:08:29 | One of the things I do for her is vacuum
the floors.
|
| 00:08:33 | Now you don't know me well,
but I want to ask you, do you think that
vacuuming
floors come natural for me?
|
| 00:08:41 | My mother made me vacuum all through junior,
high school, I couldn't go play ball on Saturday
until I vacuumed the house.
|
| 00:08:48 | In those days, I said to myself,
"If I ever get out of here,
one thing I'm not gonna do,
I'm not gonna vacuum floors!"
You could not pay me enough to vacuum floors.
|
| 00:08:58 | There's only one reason I vacuum floors.
|
| 00:09:01 | L-o-v-e.
|
| 00:09:02 | You see, when it doesn't come natural,
it's a greater expression of love.
|
| 00:09:06 | My wife knows, every time I vacuum the floor,
it's nothing but 100%, pure, unadulterated
love.
|
| 00:09:13 | And I get credit for the whole thing.
|
| 00:09:16 | You see, I don't vacuum floors for me.
|
| 00:09:21 | Fuzzy balls don't bother me.
|
| 00:09:22 | I can walk all over fuzzy, once a year is
all I would
ever need to vacuum for me.
|
| 00:09:27 | I vacuum every week for her.
|
| 00:09:29 | Love is something you do for somebody else.
|
| 00:09:31 | Not something you do for yourself.
|
| 00:09:34 | So how do you discover your spouse's primary
language?
|
| 00:09:38 | Well, in the book we have a profile that
will help you,
but let me give you some ideas.
|
| 00:09:42 | You ask them this question: How do they most
often express love to others?
|
| 00:09:48 | Observe their behavior.
|
| 00:09:49 | If they're hugging everybody they see,
Physical Touch is probably their language.
|
| 00:09:54 | Second question: What do they complain about
most often?
|
| 00:09:58 | Their complaint reveals the heart.
|
| 00:10:00 | If they say to you, we don't ever spend time
together, they're telling you that Quality
Time is
their language.
|
| 00:10:06 | And then number three, what do they request
most often of you?
|
| 00:10:11 | If you're going on a business trip and they
say
to you, "Be sure to bring me a surprise!"
They're telling you that Gifts is their language.
|
| 00:10:19 | Now how does all of this work with children?
|
| 00:10:22 | Well, the first three years of the child's
life,
you pour on all five.
|
| 00:10:26 | You give them all five.
|
| 00:10:27 | But about three or four years of age,
you can discover a child's Love Language.
|
| 00:10:32 | By simply observing how they relate to you.
|
| 00:10:36 | If when you walk in the door and they grab
you by
the leg, Physical Touch is probably their
language.
|
| 00:10:41 | Or you walk in the door and they invite you
to
their room, "I want to show you my artwork,
"
then Quality Time is probably their language.
|
| 00:10:49 | What do they request most often of you?
|
| 00:10:52 | If they say, "Daddy would you come in the
backyard
and play ball with me?"
They're asking you for Quality Time.
|
| 00:10:57 | And then you observe how they relate to other
children.
|
| 00:11:01 | Just watch them.
|
| 00:11:02 | If they're always giving encouraging words
to other
children, you will probably know that is
their Love Language, Words of Affirmation.
|
| 00:11:08 | I learned my son's Love Language when he
was about four.
|
| 00:11:11 | When I would come home in the afternoon,
I would sit down on the couch,
and he would come in and jump up on my lap
and
mess up my hair.
|
| 00:11:18 | He's touching me, because he wants to be
touched.
|
| 00:11:21 | Now my daughter's Love Language was Quality
Time.
|
| 00:11:25 | So when I would come home, she would say
to me,
"Daddy, come into my room, I want you to
see this,
daddy, come into my room."
She was asking me for Quality Time.
|
| 00:11:32 | So as she got older, junior high and high
school,
she and I would take walks together.
|
| 00:11:38 | Every day, not every day, two or three days
a week,
after dinner.
|
| 00:11:41 | After I wash dishes for my wife,
because her language is Acts of Service,
remember?
|
| 00:11:47 | My son would never walk with me.
|
| 00:11:50 | He said, "Walking is dumb.
|
| 00:11:51 | You're not going anywhere, if you're going
somewhere,
drive!"
The whole concept I'm sharing with you is,
if you learn to speak the language of our
spouse and
of our children, we change the emotional
climate in
the family.
|
| 00:12:06 | What I've shared with you could literally
save
thusands of marriages.
|
| 00:12:11 | Now what I want to do is dig a little deeper
in
these languages with you.
|
| 00:12:15 | And I want to begin withWords of Affirmation.
|
| 00:12:18 | Because each of theselanguages also has dialects.
|
| 00:12:22 | And one of the dialectsof Words of Affirmation,
is compliments.
|
| 00:12:27 | Mark Twain said that hecould live for two
months
on a good compliment.
|
| 00:12:32 | Now I guess that would mean that six a year
would
be enough for him.
|
| 00:12:36 | But probably not for your spouse if you're
married, okay?
|
| 00:12:40 | Charlie Shedd said that he gave his wife
a different compliment every day for a whole
year.
|
| 00:12:46 | I guess maybe one day he said,
"Your left eye is beautiful," the next day,
"Your right eye," a whole year, compliments.
|
| 00:12:53 | There's another dialect, and that's called,
encouraging words.
|
| 00:12:58 | The word encourage meansto instill courage.
|
| 00:13:02 | You know a lot of us haveideas of things
that we
would like to do, but we never had the courage
to
try them?
|
| 00:13:09 | For example, writing a magazine article,
or learning to ski, or leaning to lose weight?
|
| 00:13:15 | And sometimes, simply an encouraging word
from your
spouse may help them accomplish something
that
they've been wanting to do for a long time.
|
| 00:13:24 | Now let me say a word about this losing weight
thing.
|
| 00:13:27 | If you're going to encourage them,
you're encouraging them to do something that
they
have expressed the desire to do.
|
| 00:13:34 | You see, you don't come in 16 times a month
and say,
"You need to lose weight."
But if they say, "You know,
I need to lose some weight."
Then you can say, "Well, honey,
I know you've been talking about that program,
and if you want to get in it,
I know you'll be successful.
|
| 00:13:50 | Because one of the things I like about you,
is when you start something,
you always complete it."
And your encouragement might help them do
what
they already want to do.
|
| 00:14:00 | But there's another dialect,
and that is kind words.
|
| 00:14:03 | This has to do with themanner in which we
speak.
|
| 00:14:07 | There's a Hebrewproverb which says,
"A soft answerturns away anger."
Do you know we don't have to scream at each
other?
|
| 00:14:15 | Screaming is a learned phenomenon.
|
| 00:14:18 | It can be unlearned.
|
| 00:14:19 | You can say anything you want to say, softly.
|
| 00:14:21 | You can even say negative things softly.
|
| 00:14:24 | You can say, "Honey, I really felt hurt tonight
when you didn't volunteer to help me."
You're sharing something that's painful,
but you're sharing it in a positive way and
in a
loving way.
|
| 00:14:37 | Love is kind.
|
| 00:14:38 | And then love makes requests, not demands.
|
| 00:14:43 | Love says, "Honey, you know those apple pies
you make?
|
| 00:14:47 | Would it be possible for you to make an apple
pie
this week?
|
| 00:14:50 | I love your apple pies."
Love doesn't say, "I haven't had an apple
pie
since the baby was born.
|
| 00:14:56 | Don't guess I'm gonna get any more apple
pies for 18 years."
Now doesn't that motivate you?
|
| 00:15:02 | If you had a pie, you'd throw it at him.
|
| 00:15:05 | Love says, "Honey, you know what I would
like?
|
| 00:15:08 | You know what would make me happy?"
Love makes requests, not demands.
|
| 00:15:12 | You see, when you request something of your
spouse,
you bring in the element of choice.
|
| 00:15:18 | You're simply giving them information.
|
| 00:15:20 | If you want to do something that would be
helpful for me, here's something that would
be helpful.
|
| 00:15:25 | So you're giving them information.
|
| 00:15:27 | But love is always a choice.
|
| 00:15:29 | We don't demand things of our spouses,
or anyone else.
|
| 00:15:33 | simply give them information.
|
| 00:15:34 | Now what if, this Love Language,
Words of Affirmation, is very difficult for
you?
|
| 00:15:40 | You didn't receive words growing up,
and so they're very hard for you to give
words.
|
| 00:15:45 | Let me give you some ideas.
|
| 00:15:47 | Make a list of some thingsyou like about
your spouse.
|
| 00:15:52 | It may be a short list,it may be a long list.
|
| 00:15:55 | And then write a sentenceabout each one of
those things.
|
| 00:15:59 | And stand in front of a mirrorand read those
sentences.
|
| 00:16:03 | Then pick one, walk in a room where your
spouse is
and simply say it.
|
| 00:16:09 | You can run if you want to, after you say
it.
|
| 00:16:12 | Say it and run.
|
| 00:16:13 | But the next time will be easier.
|
| 00:16:15 | And the third time will be even easier.
|
| 00:16:17 | Another idea is to get you a notebook and
write down
affirming words youhear other people say.
|
| 00:16:25 | Or when you're reading amagazine article
or book,
write down the words you read inthe magazine
or the book.
|
| 00:16:32 | And keep you a list of these words and say
them
in front of the mirror until they become
comfortable.
|
| 00:16:37 | Then you go share them with your spouse.
|
| 00:16:40 | Or you could write a love note.
|
| 00:16:42 | For some people, writing words is easier
than
speaking words.
|
| 00:16:46 | And so you might try that in the beginning,
write the words, and then you later come
to say the words.
|
| 00:16:51 | Words of Affirmation is a powerful communicator
of love.
|
| 00:16:55 | And when you speak it, you give life to your
spouse.
|
| 00:16:59 | But I want to challenge you.
|
| 00:17:00 | If this is your spouse's primary language,
give them heavy doses of Words of Affirmation.
|
| 00:17:06 | And if it's not their primary,
you can still sprinkle in Words of Affirmation.
|
| 00:17:11 | None of us object to receiving words that
affirm our worth.
|
| 00:17:16 | It's an expression of love.
|
