| 00:00:04 | ♪ ♪
|
| 00:00:11 | - already got my tickets.
|
| 00:00:13 | Mezzanine, baby.
|
| 00:00:14 | - All right, nice.
|
| 00:00:15 | Domers, sit tight,
because you've got
the best seats in the house,
and we've got four more hours
ofsportsdomecoming your way.
|
| 00:00:20 | - Looks like
our friend from h.r.
|
| 00:00:23 | Is dropping by for a visit.
|
| 00:00:24 | Not--not really sure why,
though.
|
| 00:00:26 | - Well,
if you just sit tight,
we will get you
through this.
|
| 00:00:29 | Keep your cool.
|
| 00:00:29 | Domeis coming back.
|
| 00:00:30 | Stick with us.
|
| 00:00:34 | - Oh, come on!
|
| 00:00:34 | I can't say "poon"?
|
| 00:00:36 | It's in the dictionary!
|
| 00:00:37 | - All right.
|
| 00:04:26 | [building keyboard music]
♪♪ ♪♪
|
| 00:04:50 | >> [indistinct speech]
>> Yeah.
|
| 00:05:11 | [crowd cheering]
[indistinct voices]
>> Yeah!
|
| 00:05:24 | [rhythmic clapping]
>> Ready?
|
| 00:05:30 | A spotlight, spotlight,
spotlight.
|
| 00:05:32 | [cheers and applause]
[crowd cheering]
>> Thank you.
|
| 00:05:58 | Hi.
|
| 00:06:01 | Thank you very much.
|
| 00:06:04 | Thank you.
|
| 00:06:05 | Hello, everybody.
|
| 00:06:07 | Hello.
|
| 00:06:08 | I mean, by "everybody," I mean,
uh, you guys.
|
| 00:06:13 | I mean everybody who is here.
|
| 00:06:15 | Really, I shouldn't say,
"everybody," because most people
are not here.
|
| 00:06:22 | By a pretty huge majority,
most people are not here.
|
| 00:06:28 | Most people are in china,
actually.
|
| 00:06:32 | It's true.
|
| 00:06:33 | Actually, that's not true.
|
| 00:06:34 | Most people are dead.
|
| 00:06:36 | Did you know that?
|
| 00:06:38 | It's true.
|
| 00:06:39 | Out of all the people that ever
were, almost all of them
are dead.
|
| 00:06:43 | There are way more dead people,
and you're all gonna die, and--
and then you're gonna be dead
for way longer than
you're alive.
|
| 00:06:53 | Like, that's mostly what you're
ever gonna be.
|
| 00:06:58 | You're just dead people that
didn't die yet.
|
| 00:07:00 | That's--
[laughter]
There are so many dead people.
|
| 00:07:07 | Ray charles is dead,
hitler, bunch of other ones.
|
| 00:07:15 | But mostly those two guys.
|
| 00:07:16 | And it's true.
|
| 00:07:19 | Ray charles and hitler
are both dead, and really
it's the only thing they have in
common, because otherwise
they're very different dudes.
|
| 00:07:26 | Many contrasts between hitler
and ray charles.
|
| 00:07:30 | I'll tell you a few of them.
|
| 00:07:33 | Ray charles was black.
|
| 00:07:35 | Hitler was not.
|
| 00:07:41 | Hitler killed several jews.
|
| 00:07:44 | Too many, I'll say "too many".
|
| 00:07:46 | He killed an excessive amount
of jews.
|
| 00:07:48 | He really beat that thing to
the ground.
|
| 00:07:52 | He killed way--just
no moderation.
|
| 00:07:58 | Ray charles, meanwhile, hardly
any jews.
|
| 00:08:01 | He killed so few jews.
|
| 00:08:09 | Uh--
I don't know how to start shows.
|
| 00:08:15 | It's just a problem that I have.
|
| 00:08:18 | I never figured out how to come
out and just start talking,
because the first thing you say
onstage always feels stupid,
because there's no real reason
for me to talk to you.
|
| 00:08:29 | It just doesn't exist.
|
| 00:08:31 | I don't know you.
|
| 00:08:32 | You don't even know each other.
|
| 00:08:34 | You're facing the same
direction.
|
| 00:08:35 | That's all you have in common.
|
| 00:08:37 | "
it's like talking to a girl at a
bar because you're
attracted to her.
|
| 00:08:43 | The first thing you say is just
gonna be dog shit coming out of
your mouth, because you don't
know her.
|
| 00:08:49 | The only honest thing that you
could say to her is, "i want to
"
that's the only thing you could
say that you can mean.
|
| 00:08:57 | [cheers and applause]
Anything else that you say is
you trying really hard not to
"
that's the only thing--
"i want to put my penis in the
"
I was never good at that.
|
| 00:09:19 | Like, I was very bad at being
single, which is a problem,
because I'm divorced.
|
| 00:09:23 | So I'm single again after ten
years of marriage.
|
| 00:09:26 | [sympathetic groans]
No, here--cut the shit!
|
| 00:09:29 | Don't even start with that noise
like a puppy died.
|
| 00:09:33 | Let me tell you something.
|
| 00:09:36 | Let me tell you something.
|
| 00:09:38 | And this is important, because
someday one of your friends is
gonna get divorced.
|
| 00:09:41 | It's gonna happen.
|
| 00:09:42 | And they're gonna tell you,
'"
that's a stupid thing to say.
|
| 00:09:46 | It really is.
|
| 00:09:47 | First of all, you're making them
feel bad for being really happy,
which isn't fair.
|
| 00:09:53 | [cheers and applause]
And second--let me explain
something to you.
|
| 00:09:58 | Divorce is always good news.
|
| 00:10:01 | I know that sounds weird.
|
| 00:10:03 | But it's true, because no good
marriage has ever ended
in divorce.
|
| 00:10:11 | It's really that simple.
|
| 00:10:13 | That's never happened.
|
| 00:10:14 | That would be sad, if two
people were married and they
were really happy, and they just
had a great thing.
|
| 00:10:20 | And then they got divorced.
|
| 00:10:21 | That would be really sad.
|
| 00:10:24 | But that has happened
zero times.
|
| 00:10:29 | Literally zero.
|
| 00:10:32 | Ray charles has killed more jews
than happy marriages have ended
in divorce.
|
| 00:10:42 | So if your friend got divorced,
it means things were bad, and
now they're better.
|
| 00:10:46 | "
life is shit wall-to-wall, but
they're better.
|
| 00:10:49 | So you should be happy.
|
| 00:10:51 | But the part that's difficult is
being single at 41 after ten
years of marriage and two kids.
|
| 00:10:58 | That's like having a bunch of
money in the currency of a
country that doesn't exist
anymore, like I found 500
million prussian francs.
|
| 00:11:15 | I can't really take advantage of
being single, because I didn't
expect to be single.
|
| 00:11:19 | I'm not prepared.
|
| 00:11:20 | I didn't think I'd ever
be single.
|
| 00:11:22 | I didn't keep this shit up.
|
| 00:11:23 | You understand?
|
| 00:11:24 | I didn't maintain any of this at
presentation condition.
|
| 00:11:32 | "
it was not--i didn't think i
would need it that way.
|
| 00:11:38 | I thought I was gonna be shoving
it into the same person every
three months till one
of us died.
|
| 00:11:42 | That's what I thought was the
nature of the deployment
for this.
|
| 00:11:50 | I didn't think it had to be,
like, appealing to someone
from scratch.
|
| 00:11:57 | It's like having a '73
dodge dart in your backyard.
|
| 00:12:02 | And it's been sitting back there
with grass growing.
|
| 00:12:05 | You don't have any--it's not a
old mustang.
|
| 00:12:07 | You have no plans to restore
that dart.
|
| 00:12:10 | You don't even see it when you
look out the window.
|
| 00:12:14 | And now you find out that's your
only way to work.
|
| 00:12:18 | You need that car now.
|
| 00:12:21 | And you're like, "oh, shit.
|
| 00:12:25 | It's got bees in it.
|
| 00:12:26 | I didn't take care of it.
|
| 00:12:30 | It's full of bees.
|
| 00:12:33 | There's a family of mice living
in the tailpipe.
|
| 00:12:35 | "
>> I have no single instincts.
|
| 00:16:57 | I know too much to be single.
|
| 00:16:58 | I know everything that
happens now.
|
| 00:17:00 | That's no good for single.
|
| 00:17:01 | You got to be optimistic to be
single, stupid.
|
| 00:17:05 | You have to be stupid.
|
| 00:17:07 | That's what "optimistic" means,
you know.
|
| 00:17:09 | "
an optimist is someone who goes,
"hey, maybe something nice
"
why the fuck would anything nice
ever happen?
|
| 00:17:17 | What are you, stupid?
|
| 00:17:20 | But that's the attitude you have
to be to be single.
|
| 00:17:22 | You have to look at somebody and
"
I don't look at it that way
even when I see someone I'm
attracted to.
|
| 00:17:28 | I was at a gym the other day.
|
| 00:17:29 | Why? why?
|
| 00:17:31 | I'm at a gym.
|
| 00:17:32 | I'm just wearing shorts.
|
| 00:17:35 | That's all I'm doing there.
|
| 00:17:37 | Just standing there.
|
| 00:17:48 | And I look over, and there's
a girl, you know, with a
pony tail.
|
| 00:17:51 | She's on this thing.
|
| 00:17:56 | And I'm looking at her, and I'm
like, "oh, she's awesome.
|
| 00:18:01 | "
but then I start thinking,
"wait a minute, I'm single.
|
| 00:18:07 | I'm on the market.
|
| 00:18:08 | I have value.
|
| 00:18:10 | I could say something to her.
|
| 00:18:12 | I could just walk up and say
"
and I'm trying to think,
"what am I gonna say?
|
| 00:18:18 | What do I look like to somebody
"
and then I realize it's been way
too long.
|
| 00:18:23 | I've just been standing there
staring at her.
|
| 00:18:25 | [laughter]
[grunting]
"
[laughter]
I have no identity in the
single world.
|
| 00:18:40 | I can't--i look at them, and i
don't know what they're doing.
|
| 00:18:42 | I tried just jerking off to
girls gone wildthe other day
just to re-enter the community
that way, just to feel part
of it.
|
| 00:18:49 | And I bought it, not the
commercial on comedy central.
|
| 00:18:52 | I paid money like a grown-up.
|
| 00:18:54 | I put my credit card down and
waited for it to come to
my house.
|
| 00:18:58 | I'm an adult.
|
| 00:19:02 | I can't do it, 'cause I'm
a father.
|
| 00:19:04 | I'm too old.
|
| 00:19:04 | I'm just getting mad at
everybody in the video.
|
| 00:19:08 | [laughter]
I'm like, "you fucking
irresponsible bitches.
|
| 00:19:13 | Go back to school.
|
| 00:19:13 | What are you doing down there?
|
| 00:19:20 | There's two wars and a
depression.
|
| 00:19:21 | Put the--get the oil off your
tits and study,
"
[laughter]
I just don't look at a woman as
a pair of tits anymore, and i
wish I did, 'cause I could get
laid easier, 'cause that's what
..
|
| 00:19:39 | [grunting]
But I can't now.
|
| 00:19:43 | Like, I went to a club.
|
| 00:19:44 | I went to a club, you know, a
"boom, boom, boom,"
like a club.
|
| 00:19:48 | And I'm standing there, looking
at all the people, and there is
the hot chicks.
|
| 00:19:52 | The hot girl at the bar.
|
| 00:19:54 | You know, when you see them,
she's a hot girl at the bar.
|
| 00:19:57 | She's got the shirt and the
skirt and the boots, those three
lines, just like some perfect
ratio that they hit with those
three lines, and you--
[frustrated grunt]
And they're all standing there
like that.
|
| 00:20:10 | And I used to look at somebody
like that and,
"wow, she's an angel.
|
| 00:20:13 | What could I ever say to make
"
now I look at her, and I'm
like, "what is that?
|
| 00:20:17 | Is that even a person?
|
| 00:20:19 | What the fuck kind of person
is that?
|
| 00:20:20 | Is that an identity, even?
|
| 00:20:22 | "
I have two daughters.
|
| 00:20:25 | I pray they don't grow up to be
the, "ehh," the hot girl
at the bar.
|
| 00:20:29 | What kind of--"hey, what do
"
"
"
"yeah.
|
| 00:20:36 | I go to this club, and they
want to fuck me over here.
|
| 00:20:39 | Ha, ha.
|
| 00:20:40 | Not you.
|
| 00:20:42 | "
and their male counterparts are
even more useless.
|
| 00:20:50 | The guys, the dudes, the
going-out-to-get-laid dudes.
|
| 00:20:54 | You know, those guys that walk
in packs of nine down the
bar street, the
going-out-to-get-laid guys.
|
| 00:21:00 | They all got the same button-up
stripy going-out-to-get-laid
shirt on.
|
| 00:21:07 | They all got the same stride.
|
| 00:21:09 | There's one short guy behind
..
|
| 00:21:12 | [laughter]
And they're all out to get--
like, who is gonna fuck all
nine of you?
|
| 00:21:22 | What is the fantasy here?
|
| 00:21:25 | Are you gonna see nine women in
the same configuration and,
"plth," and just all--you're all
gonna walk into a giant vagina
somewhere?
|
| 00:21:33 | "
"
[laughter]
And then later they're in front
of a pizza place just angry at
each other.
|
| 00:21:45 | "You said there was pussy there,
"
"
then they beat up a stranger and
get the energy out that way.
|
| 00:21:54 | "
those are the most dangerous
people, are dudes that didn't
get laid.
|
| 00:22:06 | And they're just fucking pissed.
|
| 00:22:13 | Just full of come coming out of
their eyes.
|
| 00:22:17 | [frustrated grunting]
"
[frustrated grunting]
[laughter]
Just standing there.
|
| 00:22:24 | I love dudes that hang out
together and do the whole--
I saw this group of guys, and
one of them was such a guy--he
had it turned up so high that it
was crazy.
|
| 00:22:33 | His friends were kind of normal.
|
| 00:22:34 | ..
|
| 00:22:38 | I'm like, "what--is that--that
can't be real.
|
| 00:22:41 | "
00 in the
morning when he's peeing and
nobody is in his apartment?
|
| 00:22:47 | ..
|
| 00:22:56 | And he kept doing that gesture
..
|
| 00:23:00 | That's my favorite "dumb guy"
gesture.
|
| 00:23:02 | Yeah, pfff.
|
| 00:23:04 | Pfff, yeah, right.
|
| 00:23:10 | I always wonder.
|
| 00:23:11 | What if there was a guy who,
whenever he does this, he has
to finish?
|
| 00:23:17 | Like, just some guy who works in
your office.
|
| 00:23:20 | You ask him a question,
"
"yeah, like he's ever on time.
|
| 00:23:24 | "
[laughter]
[continued laughter]
[breathing deeply]
"
[cheers and applause]
[breathing deeply]
"Oh, shit.
|
| 00:24:18 | Seriously, that dude is always
late, man.
|
| 00:24:20 | "
>> I went to england.
|
| 00:27:31 | I spent a month there.
|
| 00:27:32 | I liked england.
|
| 00:27:33 | Everything is different.
|
| 00:27:34 | I mean, that's obvious, but some
of the differences were cool.
|
| 00:27:36 | I like the money.
|
| 00:27:37 | The money--instead of a dollar
bill they have the pound coin.
|
| 00:27:40 | And it's a coin, and you throw
it on the counter.
|
| 00:27:42 | It felt kind of cool, like the
old west.
|
| 00:27:46 | Like, you know, going--being on
the dusty trail.
|
| 00:27:49 | You see a saloon, so you walk
over with your horse.
|
| 00:27:52 | You throw the rope vaguely at
the pole outside.
|
| 00:27:57 | The thing they do.
|
| 00:27:58 | "Meh.
|
| 00:27:59 | It's my whole life on
that horse.
|
| 00:28:01 | It should be fine.
|
| 00:28:02 | Just"--
walk in the saloon.
|
| 00:28:08 | "Give me a beer and a bottle of
whiskey and a room for a week
and a steak dinner and a shave
and a haircut and a bath and
some new clothes and a hat and
some boots and some oats for
my horse and a woman.
|
| 00:28:22 | "
ping!
|
| 00:28:24 | That's all.
|
| 00:28:26 | One heavy coin.
|
| 00:28:28 | You're fine.
|
| 00:28:31 | Nobody adds up all those things
you mentioned.
|
| 00:28:35 | They don't check to see what
coin it was.
|
| 00:28:39 | The guy just keeps drying
the glass.
|
| 00:28:46 | Things were very vague
back then.
|
| 00:28:47 | Things just cost money.
|
| 00:28:49 | "
"
in the old english movies it was
different.
|
| 00:28:56 | It was a little sack of coins.
|
| 00:28:58 | Remember that?
|
| 00:28:59 | A little drawstring sack tossed
over by some faggy lord with a
ruffled shirt.
|
| 00:29:03 | "
throw it disdainfully down to
some commoner who is gonna do
something beneath his station.
|
| 00:29:12 | "Follow the girl and report back
to me at midnight.
|
| 00:29:16 | Bring a shovel and a sack
and two reliable men such as
yourself, hmm.
|
| 00:29:23 | What's that?
|
| 00:29:24 | Oh, yes, of course.
|
| 00:29:24 | Well, this ought to be
sufficient.
|
| 00:29:26 | "
"
"
the guy issohappy
to get a general amount of some
kind of currency or another.
|
| 00:29:37 | He didn't count it.
|
| 00:29:38 | "I think you only gave me enough
for the shovel.
|
| 00:29:39 | "
that was a good time in
our economy,
when you needed to have gold to
buy shit.
|
| 00:29:48 | We might be going back to that
pretty soon, too.
|
| 00:29:51 | Things are pretty fucked up.
|
| 00:29:53 | People are a little bit scared.
|
| 00:29:55 | But you know what?
|
| 00:29:55 | How bad could it really get?
|
| 00:29:57 | I mean, most americans have so
much crap.
|
| 00:29:59 | You could lose most of it and
still have more shit than the
average canadian, even.
|
| 00:30:04 | Like, we're the fattest people
in the world.
|
| 00:30:07 | And we just have all this shit,
and we hate it.
|
| 00:30:09 | We're just miserable with our
phones.
|
| 00:30:12 | "
just angry all the time.
|
| 00:30:18 | And it--i worry about the
economy failing, because we
can't even--we're miserable with
a great life.
|
| 00:30:23 | Like, I don't know how the
fuck we're gonna deal with
like when you got to move your
mom into the cellar and shit and
have, like serious problems,
because we have like up till
now--we have white people
problems in america.
|
| 00:30:37 | That's what we have, white
people problems.
|
| 00:30:39 | You know what that is?
|
| 00:30:39 | That's where your life is
amazing, so you just make shit
up to be upset about.
|
| 00:30:46 | People in other countries have
real problems, like, "oh, shit.
|
| 00:30:48 | They're cutting off all our
heads today," things like that.
|
| 00:30:54 | [laughter]
Here, we make shit up to be
upset about.
|
| 00:30:59 | Like, "how come I have to choose
a language on the atm machine?
|
| 00:31:02 | "
"i shouldn't have to do that.
|
| 00:31:12 | "
god, the shit we bitch about.
|
| 00:31:18 | "I called american airlines, and
I got a pakistani lady.
|
| 00:31:22 | And she was in pakistan!
|
| 00:31:25 | Only people near my fat white
"
I'll tell you what though, when
I call american airlines, and i
get the pakistani lady, I hang
up and I call again.
|
| 00:31:40 | I do.
|
| 00:31:41 | I'm gonna tell you honestly.
|
| 00:31:43 | And it's not because I don't
like her, and it's not because
she doesn't speak english,
because she speaks way better
than I do.
|
| 00:31:49 | She's just a better person.
|
| 00:31:50 | It's so clear.
|
| 00:31:52 | And I know.
|
| 00:31:52 | Here's why I don't like talking
to her:
'Cause I know she doesn't give
a shit about me and my white
people problems.
|
| 00:31:59 | I want to talk to the lady from
texas who's, "well, how can i
"
that's the lady I want.
|
| 00:32:04 | I just know--
[foreign accent] "HELLO,
American"-- oh, fuck.
|
| 00:32:07 | You don't care.
|
| 00:32:07 | There's no way. why would you?
|
| 00:32:09 | I'm in my underwear.
|
| 00:32:10 | "Hi, I have a layover in dallas
that's really long, and I was
wondering if"--and she's like,
"oh, really?
|
| 00:32:15 | I haven't had a clean glass of
water in ten years, okay?
|
| 00:32:19 | Two of my kids died this
morning, and I still came to
work, you fat shit.
|
| 00:32:22 | I can hear your fat over
the phone.
|
| 00:32:24 | Why don't you hang up and kill
"
why would she care?
|
| 00:32:26 | [cheers and applause]
Oh, just, god, standing
at the atm.
|
| 00:32:35 | "I can't believe they're making
me go like this.
|
| 00:32:39 | "
what the fuck are you
complaining about?
|
| 00:32:44 | You push a button, and money
comes out a fucking slot!
|
| 00:32:54 | It didn't used to be that way.
|
| 00:32:56 | When I was younger, you had to
go in the bank.
|
| 00:32:59 | Remember that?
|
| 00:33:00 | You had to go inside the bank.
|
| 00:33:01 | Now you look in the bank.
|
| 00:33:02 | You're like, "what are those
people doing in there?
|
| 00:33:04 | Are they cleaning?
|
| 00:33:05 | "
it's amazing how different
shit is now.
|
| 00:33:14 | And it hasn't been this way for
a long time.
|
| 00:33:16 | It's been a very short time.
|
| 00:33:17 | Everybody has a phone in
their pocket.
|
| 00:33:19 | It didn't used to be--just a few
years ago nobody had
theirphone.
|
| 00:33:24 | "
it was this thing, the phone,
that was in a room in
your house.
|
| 00:33:31 | And then you had to dial this
fucking thing.
|
| 00:33:34 | There was a rotor, and you had
..
|
| 00:33:38 | "
you actually hated people with
zeroes in their numbers,
'cause they made you do--
"oh, this guy's got a zero
and a nine.
|
| 00:33:47 | How badly do I want to talk to
that piece of shit?
|
| 00:33:49 | "
now we have this, which
is amazing.
|
| 00:33:56 | We have these phones that you
can call in an air strike.
|
| 00:33:58 | You can look at the top of your
own head.
|
| 00:34:01 | It's amazing, this shit, and
it's wasted on the shittiest
generation of piece-of-shit
assholes that ever
fucking lived.
|
| 00:34:08 | I swear to god.
|
| 00:34:09 | We are.
|
| 00:34:10 | We're the worst people so far.
|
| 00:34:12 | >> Yes!
|
| 00:34:13 | >> Because we have this
beautiful thing, and wehateit.
|
| 00:34:16 | We're just, "oh, you fucking"--
I don't--never saw a person
going, "look at what my
"
nobody does that.
|
| 00:34:23 | They all go, "this fucking
thing sucks.
|
| 00:34:27 | I can't get it to"--
give it a second, would you?
|
| 00:34:32 | Could you give it a second?
|
| 00:34:35 | It's going to space.
|
| 00:34:36 | Can you give it a second to get
back from space?
|
| 00:34:41 | Is the speed of light too slow
for you, you noncontributing
product sponge cunt?
|
| 00:34:46 | Can you just wait?
|
| 00:34:48 | Can you just take a
little breath?
|
| 00:34:52 | [cheers and applause]
Just wait for that picture of
axl rose to get on your phone.
|
| 00:34:57 | Like it even fucking mattered
what you were doing.
|
| 00:35:00 | Like it was even important.
|
| 00:42:35 | >> We're all just so mad.
|
| 00:42:36 | "
no, it doesn't!
|
| 00:42:40 | It's amazing.
|
| 00:42:42 | The shittiest cell phone in the
world is a miracle.
|
| 00:42:46 | Your life sucks around
the phone.
|
| 00:42:49 | [laughter]
Why are you so mad at it?
|
| 00:42:55 | People say the craziest shit.
|
| 00:42:57 | "
what are you talking about?
|
| 00:43:04 | How can that feeling exist?
|
| 00:43:06 | "
"why, did they fire you and take
"
"no, just a couple of times it
was weird for a second.
|
| 00:43:16 | [frustrated grunting]
I hate them.
|
| 00:43:23 | "
well, make your own, then.
|
| 00:43:26 | You go make one.
|
| 00:43:29 | Make your own network.
|
| 00:43:30 | Get some hubcaps and climb
some trees.
|
| 00:43:33 | See how close yours is
to perfect.
|
| 00:43:38 | Why would it be perfect?
|
| 00:43:40 | Really, it's as good as it is.
|
| 00:43:41 | Why do we expect it to be
fucking perfect all
the fucking time?
|
| 00:43:45 | We're not contributing.
|
| 00:43:46 | We're not helping it be perfect.
|
| 00:43:48 | We don't even know what
is involved.
|
| 00:43:51 | Do you have any idea what is
involved in taking your thing
that you said that nobody needs
to ever hear, ever?
|
| 00:43:59 | When you go, "hey, what's up,
dude?
|
| 00:44:02 | [imitates farting]"
And a little invisible magic
"
god damn it.
|
| 00:44:15 | "Oh, when did you send me
"
if I sent it to you a month ago,
it's amazing whenever it gets
to you.
|
| 00:44:21 | It's amazing.
|
| 00:44:24 | Whenever it gets to you in your
chosen fucking font,
it's incredible.
|
| 00:44:32 | I don't know.
|
| 00:44:33 | I'm not that old.
|
| 00:44:33 | I'm 41, but I'm still amazed
at the shit in my life.
|
| 00:44:35 | I'm amazed at the shit in
the world.
|
| 00:44:37 | I was on a plane once, like
about a month ago,
and they had high-speed wireless
internet on the plane.
|
| 00:44:42 | And they had never done
that before.
|
| 00:44:44 | They explained to us that we
were, like, one of the first
aircraft.
|
| 00:44:46 | And I open up my laptop, and
I'm online.
|
| 00:44:49 | I'm looking at youtube and shit
while we're flying.
|
| 00:44:52 | And then it broke down.
|
| 00:44:53 | And the woman says, "i'm sorry,
but we have to fix the internet,
so it's down for the rest of
"
the guy next to me goes,
"
I'm like, "dude, how does the
world owe you something you
didn't even know existed 30
"
[laughter]
People on planes are the worst.
|
| 00:45:11 | People on planes, they complain.
|
| 00:45:13 | They get off the plane, they
come to your house, and they
tell you about their whole
flight experience.
|
| 00:45:18 | And they make it sound like it
was, fucking, a cattle car in
POLAND IN THE '40s.
|
| 00:45:23 | They just make it-- "that was
the worst day of my life.
|
| 00:45:28 | I had to sit on the runway for
"
that's a story in this country.
|
| 00:45:36 | That's a fucking hardship,
that you had to sit on
the runway.
|
| 00:45:41 | People will listen to
that story.
|
| 00:45:43 | They'll stop doing the dishes
and turn around and go,
"oh, my god, really?
|
| 00:45:46 | For 40 minutes?
|
| 00:45:47 | That's awful.
|
| 00:45:49 | "
[laughter]
"I had to sit on the runway for
"
oh, my god, really?
|
| 00:45:59 | What happened then?
|
| 00:46:00 | Did you fly through the air
like a bird, incredibly?
|
| 00:46:06 | Did you soar into the clouds,
impossibly?
|
| 00:46:11 | Did you partake in the miracle
of human flight and then land
softly on giant tires that you
couldn't even conceive how they
fucking put air in them?
|
| 00:46:20 | [laughter]
How dare you?
|
| 00:46:28 | Bitching about flying!
|
| 00:46:30 | "
you're flying!
|
| 00:46:37 | You're sitting in a chair
in the sky.
|
| 00:46:44 | You're like a greek myth
right now.
|
| 00:46:49 | "But it doesn't go back
very far, and I was sort of
"
the wright brothers would kick
us all right in the cunt if
they knew.
|
| 00:47:04 | If you could go back in time
to orville wright and go,
"hey, dude, I had to sit on the
"
and he'd be like, "oh, shit.
|
| 00:47:15 | Well, let's not even
"
[laughter]
"Hey, wendell, shut it down.
|
| 00:47:21 | They make you wait for a bit.
|
| 00:47:23 | "
"
that's what everybody
complains about.
|
| 00:47:30 | "There's always delays
"
really? delays?
|
| 00:47:33 | It's too slow.
|
| 00:47:34 | Air travel is too slow.
|
| 00:47:36 | New york to california
in six hours.
|
| 00:47:38 | That used to take 30 years to
do that, and a bunch of you
would die on the way there.
|
| 00:47:45 | You get shot in the neck with
"
and fall down.
|
| 00:47:50 | And the other passengers would
just bury you and put a stick
there with your hat on it and
keep walking.
|
| 00:47:56 | And one of them would fuck your
wife and have three babies.
|
| 00:48:01 | And all the old people
would die.
|
| 00:48:03 | You'd be a whole different group
of people by the time you got
to california.
|
| 00:48:09 | Now you watch an adam sandler
movie and you take a big runny
dump, and you're there.
|
| 00:52:16 | >> You ever listen to what
people really sound like?
|
| 00:52:17 | The other day I was in some
whatever coffee place.
|
| 00:52:19 | I don't know.
|
| 00:52:19 | You can only be in six places.
|
| 00:52:20 | Whichever one I was in.
|
| 00:52:22 | And I'm listening to just fat
white people talk to each other,
these two fat white
guys behind me.
|
| 00:52:27 | One of them is like,
[mumbling and groaning]
And his friend is like,
"i know!
|
| 00:52:45 | It's totally lame.
|
| 00:52:46 | [mumbling and groaning]
"
these two women were talking.
|
| 00:52:55 | ..
|
| 00:52:56 | [screeching and groaning]
"I know!
|
| 00:53:06 | It's totally lame.
|
| 00:53:07 | [screeching and groaning]
"
[laughter]
Anyway, I was listening to the
two guys.
|
| 00:53:23 | And one of them used a word that
really pissed me off, because
it was how he used it.
|
| 00:53:28 | "
that's one of those words that
we use that we don't care what
it means.
|
| 00:53:33 | We go right for the top shelf
with our words now.
|
| 00:53:35 | We don't think about how
we talk.
|
| 00:53:37 | We just say the right to the
fucking, just--"dude, it was
amazing.
|
| 00:53:42 | "
really? you were amazed?
|
| 00:53:46 | You were amazed by a basket of
chicken wings?
|
| 00:53:51 | Really?
|
| 00:53:53 | Amazing?
|
| 00:53:56 | What are you gonna do with the
rest of your life now?
|
| 00:53:59 | What if something really
happens to you?
|
| 00:54:02 | What if jesus comes down from
the sky and makes love to you
all night long, leaves the new
living lord in your belly?
|
| 00:54:13 | What are you gonna call that?
|
| 00:54:15 | You used "amazing" on a basket
of chicken wings.
|
| 00:54:19 | You've limited yourself
verbally to a shit life.
|
| 00:54:25 | All these words we use,
"
that's--anybody can be a
genius now.
|
| 00:54:29 | It used to be, you had to have
a thought.
|
| 00:54:31 | No one had ever had it before,
or you had to invent a number.
|
| 00:54:35 | Now it's like, "hey, I got a cup
"
"
so these guys, they used
"
and I remember the
context exactly, because I had
the hate recorder running in the
back of my head.
|
| 00:54:56 | I was just standing there,
fucking angry.
|
| 00:54:58 | I'm listening to them.
|
| 00:54:59 | The one guy says to the other
..
|
| 00:55:00 | [mumbling slowly]
"Hey, dude, so guess
"
and his friend goes,
[mumbling slowly]
"
I swear to god, that's how he
said it.
|
| 00:55:12 | It just slid out.
|
| 00:55:13 | "
I'm like, tighten your
lips up, man.
|
| 00:55:17 | Make an effort.
|
| 00:55:18 | " that's how a
person talks.
|
| 00:55:21 | This guy, he's just secreting
words out of the front of
his head.
|
| 00:55:24 | [groaning] "WHO?"
[mumbling and spitting]
So his friend goes,
"
"
[laughter]
How the fuck is that hilarious
that you saw lisa?
|
| 00:55:52 | Is lisa a poodle on her
hind legs?
|
| 00:55:54 | How is that hilarious?
|
| 00:55:56 | Was she standing next to jerry
lewis when he was younger?
|
| 00:55:58 | How the fuck is that hilarious?
|
| 00:56:02 | You know what "hilarious" means?
|
| 00:56:04 | "Hilarious" means, "so funny
that you almost went insane
"
it's just so funny that it
almost ruined your life.
|
| 00:56:15 | You're homeless now, because
you can't cope or reason anymore
because that hilarious thing
just shattered your mind and
three months later you've got
shit and leaves in your hair,
and you're drenched in pee in
the gutter.
|
| 00:56:27 | That's how funny "hilarious" is.
|
| 00:56:29 | I don't know this lisa cunt, but
she ain't that funny.
|
| 00:56:31 | There's just no way she's that
funny on sight.
|
| 00:56:39 | Fuck her.
|
| 00:56:39 | Seriously, I hope she's dead.
|
| 00:56:41 | I really do.
|
| 00:56:41 | I hate her.
|
| 00:56:43 | I hope she died today, weirdly
and horribly.
|
| 00:56:48 | I hope the person she loved
most pushed her off a cliff,
and she was just falling and
screaming the whole way down,
never accepting it.
|
| 00:56:56 | And then superman swooped her
up and then dropped her
from higher.
|
| 00:57:00 | [laughter]
I seriously hope that happened
to stupid lisa.
|
| 00:59:27 | >> Anyway, I don't know why I'm
such an asshole.
|
| 00:59:29 | I really am.
|
| 00:59:29 | I'm grumpy.
|
| 00:59:31 | I don't--i get impatient with
people quickly, you know?
|
| 00:59:33 | I just tired of--when people are
boring, I want to kill them.
|
| 00:59:36 | You know?
|
| 00:59:37 | And that's not fair.
|
| 00:59:39 | I used to like people more.
|
| 00:59:40 | But now I have children, and
that changes your life.
|
| 00:59:43 | It changes your life in a lot
of ways.
|
| 00:59:45 | Like, you spend a lot of time
with people you never would have
chosen to spend time with,
not in a million years.
|
| 00:59:50 | I spend whole days with people.
|
| 00:59:52 | I'm like, "i never would have
hung out with you.
|
| 00:59:54 | I didn't choose you.
|
| 00:59:55 | Our children chose each other,"
based on no criteria,
by the way.
|
| 00:59:58 | They're the same size.
|
| 01:00:00 | They don't give a shit who
they make me hang out with.
|
| 01:00:04 | My daughter had a play date the
other day, and this kid
comes over.
|
| 01:00:07 | And his father brings him, and
his father brings his fucking
face into my house.
|
| 01:00:12 | And I have to ask it questions
for an hour and a half.
|
| 01:00:15 | "Ugh, what do you do?
|
| 01:00:16 | I don't care.
|
| 01:00:17 | God damn it.
|
| 01:00:20 | What other shit are you passing
on to that little faggot you
brought over here to play with
my kid?
|
| 01:00:24 | I don't--i hate your son.
|
| 01:00:25 | I hate him.
|
| 01:00:27 | He smells.
|
| 01:00:29 | He gets close too close
"
"
"yes, you can have--just stand--
dude, I'm not--you're not mine.
|
| 01:00:38 | I don't love you.
|
| 01:00:39 | Do you understand?
|
| 01:00:39 | I don't have any--no love.
|
| 01:00:42 | None.
|
| 01:00:44 | I don't even have an instinct
to protect you.
|
| 01:00:46 | I don't care if you die.
|
| 01:00:46 | I seriously--i won't feel
anything if you die.
|
| 01:00:50 | I'll have to pretend
"
I like kids.
|
| 01:00:58 | Parents I'm not crazy about.
|
| 01:01:00 | Most parents--like this whole
country, our thing is
the children.
|
| 01:01:04 | We have to do it all for the
children, and meanwhile, nobody
gives a shit about how they
raise their kids.
|
| 01:01:08 | People put minimal effort
into it.
|
| 01:01:11 | They have their kids--they're
like consumers of their kids.
|
| 01:01:13 | Like, they want to call
customer service.
|
| 01:01:15 | "Why does he play video
games all day?
|
| 01:01:18 | I don't understand
why he plays"--
maybe 'cause you bought him a
fucking video game, you idiot.
|
| 01:01:24 | Throw it away.
|
| 01:01:27 | Who told you that was
a good idea?
|
| 01:01:29 | A developing mind--
[loud grunting]
Fucking idiots.
|
| 01:01:37 | My kids don't even
watch television.
|
| 01:01:38 | And when I tell most other
parents that, you know
what they say?
|
| 01:01:40 | They say, they go,
"
why?
|
| 01:01:45 | "Just 'cause, fuck you.
|
| 01:01:47 | Fucking hippie.
|
| 01:01:48 | Weirdo.
|
| 01:01:50 | They're gonna grow up weirdoes,
'cause they don't watch just
fucking anger and colors
"
[screaming]
If your kids watch tv, here's
what you should do.
|
| 01:02:03 | Just, if you think that's a
really good idea to have them
watch tv, the next time your
kid is watching television,
just come up behind them when
they don't know you're there
and just turn it off without
any warning.
|
| 01:02:10 | "
watch what happens.
|
| 01:02:12 | ..
|
| 01:02:13 | [screaming]
Do you think that's a good sign?
|
| 01:02:17 | Do you think that's a sign that
it's healthy for them,
that when it's
..
|
| 01:02:20 | [screaming]
Because you've created such a
high bar of stimulus that
nothing competes.
|
| 01:02:29 | A beautiful day is shit
to a child now.
|
| 01:02:32 | A gorgeous panoramic day with
hawks catching fucking mice and
flying away and bears with
fucking fish in their teeth, and
the kid's like,
"i wanna watch the television!
|
| 01:02:47 | "
that's what's wrong
with our kids.
|
| 01:02:52 | They can't just stand and be a
"
and then the food--we feed them
food that tastes like insanity.
|
| 01:03:03 | It's insanity, our food.
|
| 01:03:05 | Do you--you should be able to
give a kid an apple and they go,
"oh, thank you.
|
| 01:03:10 | "
kids can't even taste--apples
are like paper to them,
because we fill them--we force
them to eat--people force
their kids to eat fast food.
|
| 01:03:20 | I was in this hamburger--this
woman is just shoving french
"
the kid's like,
"mom, it's salty.
|
| 01:03:26 | It hurts.
|
| 01:03:27 | "
"shut up.
|
| 01:03:29 | "
we give them msg, sugar,
and caffeine.
|
| 01:03:38 | And weirdly, they react to
those chemicals.
|
| 01:03:42 | "
and then we hit them.
|
| 01:03:44 | What fucking chance does a
kid have?
|
| 01:03:47 | [cheers and applause]
We pump this stuff in there.
|
| 01:03:51 | "
"
"shut up!
|
| 01:03:54 | Stop it!
|
| 01:03:57 | "
"'cause I haven't had actual
nutrition in eight years, mom.
|
| 01:04:05 | I'm dehydrated.
|
| 01:04:08 | Give me water.
|
| 01:04:09 | Pepsi is not water, you cunt.
|
| 01:04:11 | Give me a glass of water.
|
| 01:04:14 | I'm dying.
|
| 01:04:16 | I have sores on my tongue
all the time.
|
| 01:04:22 | And stop hitting me.
|
| 01:04:23 | You're huge.
|
| 01:04:26 | How could you hit me?
|
| 01:04:28 | That's crazy.
|
| 01:04:31 | You're a giant, and I can't
"
I really think it's crazy that
we hit our kids.
|
| 01:04:39 | It really is--here's the crazy
part about it.
|
| 01:04:42 | Kids are the only people in the
world that you're allowed
to hit.
|
| 01:04:47 | Do you realize that?
|
| 01:04:48 | They're the most vulnerable, and
they're the most destroyed by
being hit.
|
| 01:04:53 | But it's totally okay to
hit them.
|
| 01:04:56 | And they're the only ones.
|
| 01:04:57 | If you hit a dog they fucking
will put you in jail
for that shit.
|
| 01:05:03 | You can't hit a person unless
you can prove that they were
trying to kill you.
|
| 01:05:08 | But a little tiny person with a
head this big who trusts you
implicitly, fuck 'em.
|
| 01:05:12 | Who gives a shit?
|
| 01:05:14 | Just fucking hit--let's all
hit them.
|
| 01:05:17 | Hey, people want you to
hit your kid.
|
| 01:05:20 | If your kid's making noise in
public, "hit him, hit him!
|
| 01:05:23 | Hit him!
|
| 01:05:25 | "
>> anyway, I got two.
|
| 01:08:01 | And the seven-year-old, she is
no trouble now.
|
| 01:08:03 | That kid is amazing.
|
| 01:08:04 | She's better than me.
|
| 01:08:06 | She's smarter than me.
|
| 01:08:07 | She's more decent.
|
| 01:08:09 | She's cleaner.
|
| 01:08:11 | Like, she comes out of her room
all dressed with a little bow.
|
| 01:08:13 | She's like, "hi,
"
and I'm in my underwear, like,
"
[laughter]
I keep trying not to screw her
up, because she's headed for a
great life unless I fuck it up.
|
| 01:08:28 | That's basically what's
going on.
|
| 01:08:29 | I'm not a father anymore.
|
| 01:08:30 | I'm just a fat landlord.
|
| 01:08:32 | I don't really matter.
|
| 01:08:36 | And like, the other day she was
asking me all these questions,
and I totally--she was asking me
stuff, and I'm just trying to
tell her what I know to
be the truth.
|
| 01:08:42 | But you can't just do that.
|
| 01:08:43 | There's some shit that's true
that you can't tell your kids
when they're certain ages.
|
| 01:08:46 | I know that sounds simple, but
you don't know all the time
until you fuck up.
|
| 01:08:50 | I'm talking to her, and she
goes, "daddy, does the earth go
"
"
she goes, "does it do it
"
"
she says, "will the earth always
"
and I was like, "well, no.
|
| 01:09:01 | At some point the sun is
"
[laughter]
She's seven years old.
|
| 01:09:13 | Do you understand how horrible
that is?
|
| 01:09:14 | She started crying immediately,
crying bitter tears for the
death of all humanity.
|
| 01:09:20 | And here's how I try to save it.
|
| 01:09:22 | I go, "oh, honey, this isn't
gonna happen until you and
everybody you know has been dead
"
she didn't know any of
those things.
|
| 01:09:34 | And now she knows all of
those things:
She's gonna die,
everybody she
knows is gonna die,
they're gonna be dead for a very
long time,
and then the sun's
gonna explode.
|
| 01:09:50 | She learned all that in
12 seconds at the age of seven.
|
| 01:09:57 | She took it pretty well.
|
| 01:09:58 | I was proud of her.
|
| 01:09:59 | She was like, "aw.
|
| 01:10:02 | Dude.
|
| 01:10:05 | [sighs]
Okay, well,
I guess I'll go play.
|
| 01:10:11 | "
she's had a tough year,
that kid.
|
| 01:10:16 | I feel really bad.
|
| 01:10:17 | A lot of bad things happened to
her this year.
|
| 01:10:19 | This summer she got bit
by a pony.
|
| 01:10:22 | I'm not kidding.
|
| 01:10:23 | A pony bit her.
|
| 01:10:25 | How do you more break a little
girl's heart than a pony bite?
|
| 01:10:30 | That's like being raped
by santa claus.
|
| 01:10:33 | [laughter]
It was the worst thing that
ever happened.
|
| 01:10:41 | And it was made worse by the
fact that it followed the
greatest moment of her life,
because she had never seen a
pony up close.
|
| 01:10:46 | We just never--we're fucking
shitty parents.
|
| 01:10:48 | We never gave her a pony ride.
|
| 01:10:50 | And last summer I took the
kids to italy.
|
| 01:10:52 | I took my girls to italy for
whatever reason.
|
| 01:10:54 | I don't know why.
|
| 01:10:55 | And we're in this farmhouse in
the middle of nowhere.
|
| 01:10:58 | And I put them to bed, and i
come outside, and
there's ponies.
|
| 01:11:02 | They just showed up out
of nowhere,
just wild ponies, like
50 ponies.
|
| 01:11:07 | I'm not fucking with you.
|
| 01:11:09 | A huge amount of ponies,
and one donkey.
|
| 01:11:12 | I don't know why
there was one donkey hanging
out with the ponies.
|
| 01:11:17 | And they're just--and I'm like--
[gasps] AND I RUN DOWNSTAIRS,
And I wake her up.
|
| 01:11:21 | The little one, fuck her.
|
| 01:11:22 | She's not making memories.
|
| 01:11:22 | Who cares?
|
| 01:11:23 | It's not worth it.
|
| 01:11:24 | I take the seven-year-old,
and I bring her outside.
|
| 01:11:28 | And she's standing barefoot in
her pajamas, and it's dusk, and
it's ponies.
|
| 01:11:34 | "
and I'm like, "i'm the best
fucking father.
|
| 01:11:37 | I'm the best father.
|
| 01:11:38 | Yeah!
|
| 01:11:40 | Yeah!
|
| 01:11:42 | Look at that shit!
|
| 01:11:44 | That's right!
|
| 01:11:45 | "
and she starts walking out
towards the ponies.
|
| 01:11:52 | She's like, "can I go
"
I'm like, "yeah." I'm an idiot.
|
| 01:11:55 | I'm like, "yeah, totally.
|
| 01:11:57 | Go on out there, honey.
|
| 01:11:59 | You're only outnumbered 50 to 1.
|
| 01:12:02 | What could possibly happen in
" as she
walks out.
|
| 01:12:10 | And there's this one beautiful
speckled pony.
|
| 01:12:13 | And as she's walking towards it,
I'm an asshole, 'cause I don't
..
|
| 01:12:16 | [imitates chuffing and grunting]
It's totally going, "dude, no.
|
| 01:12:21 | Not--i'm not one--fuck it.
|
| 01:12:23 | Get her out.
|
| 01:12:24 | Get her out.
|
| 01:12:25 | I'm--dude, I'm a fucking italian
wild pony.
|
| 01:12:27 | "
"
I'm like, "yes, totally.
|
| 01:12:32 | "
she walks up to the pony, and
she turns to me and says,
"
and as she's saying that,
the pony bites her on the
fucking leg.
|
| 01:12:43 | And she screams.
|
| 01:12:44 | It didn't break the skin, but it
was an awful bruise.
|
| 01:12:46 | And I grab her, and I run
inside, and she says,
"why, daddy?
|
| 01:12:49 | "
"
and she said,
"
and I'm like, "well, yeah,"
'cause I don't want her to think
that she's so horrible that the
first pony ever bit her.
|
| 01:13:02 | I go, "yeah, honey,
"
she goes, "well, why did you
"
she's like, "dude, make
"
and then we're in the house, and
she says--this is how great
this kid is.
|
| 01:13:22 | She calms down, and she goes,
"i want to look up about
"
like, that's how she thinks.
|
| 01:13:27 | Something upsets her.
|
| 01:13:28 | She wants to look it up and
learn about it.
|
| 01:13:31 | She says, "i want to find out
why they bite and what people
"
so we go, and we look up about
ponies.
|
| 01:13:37 | And it turns out
they're assholes.
|
| 01:13:38 | They bite all the time.
|
| 01:13:43 | And there's all these websites
that talk about what to do when
your pony bites, and it's like
everything else on the internet.
|
| 01:13:48 | It's just fighting, just people
angry at each other.
|
| 01:13:51 | The first guy says, "you got to
punch the pony right
in the face.
|
| 01:13:56 | Just punch it right
"
and the next person says,
"you're a terrible person.
|
| 01:14:04 | You should have your ponies
"
the next person was my favorite.
|
| 01:14:09 | They go, "people who don't punch
"
so we really are a
divided nation.
|
| 01:18:15 | >> The three-year-old is a
different story.
|
| 01:18:17 | The three-year-old, here's
her deal.
|
| 01:18:19 | She's a three-year-old.
|
| 01:18:20 | That's really it.
|
| 01:18:21 | She's three years old.
|
| 01:18:22 | The other day I got in a fight
with her.
|
| 01:18:23 | Whose fault is that?
|
| 01:18:25 | I'm 41, and she's three.
|
| 01:18:28 | It's always your fault with a
three-year-old, always, because
they are just what they are.
|
| 01:18:32 | They can't help it.
|
| 01:18:33 | Just tape the windows.
|
| 01:18:34 | It's a fucking hurricane.
|
| 01:18:35 | Just wait.
|
| 01:18:38 | Anytime you're like this with a
three-year-old,
"don't you under"--
you're an idiot.
|
| 01:18:42 | That's you being an idiot.
|
| 01:18:43 | "
"no, I don't, dad.
|
| 01:18:45 | I haven't developed enough.
|
| 01:18:45 | "
but it was partly her fault,
'cause she wore me down.
|
| 01:18:52 | Let me tell you what happened.
|
| 01:18:53 | It was this horrible,
horrible day.
|
| 01:18:55 | It started the night before,
'cause she woke me up all night.
|
| 01:18:56 | She just woke me up every
fucking just ten minutes.
|
| 01:18:59 | She just woke me up--
just "dad"--with nothing.
|
| 01:19:01 | That's the worst part.
|
| 01:19:02 | "
"
.."
"oh, fuck you!
|
| 01:19:05 | You got nothing!
|
| 01:19:07 | "
so now it's the next morning.
|
| 01:19:14 | I'm making breakfast,
and I'm gone.
|
| 01:19:16 | I'm insane.
|
| 01:19:17 | I drank too much coffee to
overcompensate.
|
| 01:19:20 | "
I keep having these moments
"
and there's nothing there.
|
| 01:19:23 | Just nothing.
|
| 01:19:24 | Just, "huh? ah.
|
| 01:19:26 | "
I'm making french toast.
|
| 01:19:29 | She's over there sitting in her
little chair, just fucking
anger.
|
| 01:19:32 | Just pure--she's a little ball
of anger.
|
| 01:19:34 | And she's like,
"
I'm like, "yeah, that's what I'm
making, honey.
|
| 01:19:40 | I'm making french toast.
|
| 01:19:42 | I'll bring it over.
|
| 01:19:43 | "
"
"yes, of course I'll give
you syrup.
|
| 01:19:48 | I always do.
|
| 01:19:48 | "
"
"i'm happy to cut it for you.
|
| 01:19:54 | You're not asking nicely, but
it's okay.
|
| 01:19:58 | I'll cut it for you, baby.
|
| 01:19:58 | "
then she's looking at her plate,
..
|
| 01:20:03 | [breathing deeply]
'Cause she needs to be--want
something.
|
| 01:20:06 | You know, there's nothing
logical for her to want,
so her brain has to go
somewhere crazy.
|
| 01:20:11 | So she's looking at her plate.
|
| 01:20:12 | She goes, "i don't know
"
[laughter]
And I'm still not engaging.
|
| 01:20:22 | I'm like, "oh, I know, honey,
that's hard.
|
| 01:20:24 | That's really hard.
|
| 01:20:26 | I'll just make a list of pros
and cons for every piece, and
"
and I look at her, and she's
walking towards me now with the
plate just vertical with syrup
fucking going on the floor.
|
| 01:20:35 | And she's like, "help me!
|
| 01:20:38 | "
and I'm standing there, looking
at her, and I love her, and
I'm proud of her in a way,
'cause I know she'll never want
for anything.
|
| 01:20:53 | She'll beat the shit out
of people.
|
| 01:20:57 | She'll kill people for meat
after the apocalypse.
|
| 01:20:59 | She'll be one of those.
|
| 01:21:04 | And then later I'm trying to get
them dressed for school.
|
| 01:21:06 | And now the clock's ticking, and
I'm like, "ugh!
|
| 01:21:08 | And I'm trying to put a sweater
on her, and it's impossible.
|
| 01:21:10 | The sweater has buttons that
just don't exist.
|
| 01:21:13 | And I'm fucking with my fat
fingers, and they're full
of sweat.
|
| 01:21:16 | And I have just tears going down
my cheeks, crazy tears.
|
| 01:21:20 | I'm not crying.
|
| 01:21:21 | I'm like smiling with tears,
copious--"i can't button the
sweater.
|
| 01:21:26 | I can't button the sweater.
|
| 01:21:30 | "
and she's going like this.
|
| 01:21:36 | So I give her a fig newton just
to immobilize her, just
to stop it, 'cause she loves
fig newtons.
|
| 01:21:42 | I go, "here, honey, have
"
she goes, "they're not called
fig newtons.
|
| 01:21:47 | "
and I go, "no, they're not.
|
| 01:21:57 | "
and right away in my head, I'm
like, "what are you doing?
|
| 01:22:02 | Why?
|
| 01:22:04 | What is to be gained?
|
| 01:22:07 | What do you care?
|
| 01:22:08 | Just, 'yeah, pig newtons.
|
| 01:22:09 | Fine, go ahead.
|
| 01:22:10 | Good luck to you.
|
| 01:22:11 | Go through life.
|
| 01:22:12 | See what kind of job you can
hold down with shit like that
clanging around in your head.
|
| 01:22:15 | I don't care.
|
| 01:22:16 | '"
but for some reason, I engaged.
|
| 01:22:21 | "No, honey, they're called
"
she goes, "no, you don't know.
|
| 01:22:27 | You don't know.
|
| 01:22:28 | "
and I just--i feel this rage
building inside.
|
| 01:22:34 | Just--because it's not that
she's wrong.
|
| 01:22:39 | She's three.
|
| 01:22:40 | She's entitled to be wrong.
|
| 01:22:41 | But it's the fucking arrogance
of this kid.
|
| 01:22:47 | No humility.
|
| 01:22:49 | No decent sense of self-doubt.
|
| 01:22:52 | She's not going like,
"dad, I think those
are pig newtons.
|
| 01:22:54 | Are you sure that you have
"
she's not saying that.
|
| 01:22:58 | She's not going like, "dad, I'm
pretty sure those are
pig newtons," which would be
a little cunty, but acceptable.
|
| 01:23:01 | I could deal with that.
|
| 01:23:03 | She's giving me nothing.
|
| 01:23:06 | "No, you don't know.
|
| 01:23:08 | Those are pig--"
I'm like, "really? I don't know?
|
| 01:23:11 | I don't know?
|
| 01:23:13 | Dude, I'm not even using my
memory right now.
|
| 01:23:15 | Okay, I'm reading the
fucking box that the shit
came out of.
|
| 01:23:22 | It says it!
|
| 01:23:25 | Where are you getting your
information?
|
| 01:23:29 | How do you fuck with me on this?
|
| 01:23:33 | You're three, and I'm 41.
|
| 01:23:37 | What are the odds that you're
right and I'm wrong?
|
| 01:23:41 | What are the sheer odds of that?
|
| 01:23:44 | And take a bite of the cookie.
|
| 01:23:46 | Does it taste like a pork
cookie, motherfucker?
|
| 01:23:48 | I don't think so.
|
| 01:23:52 | Why would they call it
a pig newton?
|
| 01:23:58 | What's--oh, it tastes like figs.
|
| 01:23:59 | Fucking interesting, that,
"
>> I didn't say a word of
that, obviously.
|
| 01:26:25 | But anyway, later I've got the
kids dressed.
|
| 01:26:29 | It's winter.
|
| 01:26:30 | We all have the layers on, and
it's time to go to school.
|
| 01:26:32 | And I've got ten minutes to get
to a school that's ten
minutes away, which is a
horrible feeling.
|
| 01:26:37 | I put my hand on the door to
leave, and all of a sudden I go,
"i got to take a shit.
|
| 01:26:43 | Take the coats off, kids.
|
| 01:26:44 | We're gonna be late.
|
| 01:26:46 | You're gonna be 40 minutes late.
|
| 01:26:47 | "
I am not walking to school
like this.
|
| 01:26:52 | I can't use the bathroom at the
school, 'cause child molesters
ruin that for everybody.
|
| 01:26:57 | Just--i'm shitting here.
|
| 01:27:00 | So I'm sitting on the toilet,
with the door open, by the way.
|
| 01:27:03 | That's my life.
|
| 01:27:04 | Two kids by myself.
|
| 01:27:05 | I can't shit with the door
closed unless I gather them into
the bathroom to watch daddy
take a dump.
|
| 01:27:11 | Which I've done with the
little one.
|
| 01:27:13 | "Honey, we got to poop, and
you're too crazy.
|
| 01:27:14 | Just come with me.
|
| 01:27:15 | "
so I'm sitting there, and
I'm shitting.
|
| 01:27:21 | And I'm trying to see them in
the other room.
|
| 01:27:25 | "Honey, stay between the tables.
|
| 01:27:26 | I can't see you.
|
| 01:27:27 | I said"--
the little one walks into
view naked.
|
| 01:27:32 | It's all gone.
|
| 01:27:33 | All gone.
|
| 01:27:36 | Walks up, looks at me.
|
| 01:27:48 | And then, I don't know why, but
she shows me her ass.
|
| 01:27:50 | It's something she always does
when she--
"look at it!
|
| 01:28:00 | "
so I'm there, shitting, looking
at her ass.
|
| 01:28:10 | [clears throat]
And I saw something that I had
never seen before.
|
| 01:28:17 | And I'm gonna describe it to you
the way that I saw it,
because I didn't know what i
was looking at.
|
| 01:28:21 | I'm looking at her little white
ass--she's white.
|
| 01:28:23 | Little perfect little white ass.
|
| 01:28:25 | And right in the center of it,
this little black dot just,
"boop," appeared like magic.
|
| 01:28:31 | That's what it looked like
to me, because I've never seen
shit actually coming out of
an ass before.
|
| 01:28:36 | I never saw that.
|
| 01:28:39 | I never saw the shit--like, the
crowning, the shit coming out.
|
| 01:28:44 | And if you ever do see that,
it's fucking bananas, man.
|
| 01:28:47 | It's weird and upsetting.
|
| 01:28:52 | I yelled.
|
| 01:28:53 | "
and then second later, just,
" she just drops, "boom,"
this massive--i felt the
impact tremor under my feet.
|
| 01:29:06 | This huge pile of shit,
just a pile--like, several
people's pile of shit,
like a porta-potty on the last
day of the festival,
just a huge, huge pile of shit.
|
| 01:29:22 | How?
|
| 01:29:23 | She's three.
|
| 01:29:24 | This kid shits like a bear.
|
| 01:29:26 | I don't understand it.
|
| 01:29:29 | Seriously, if you were in the
woods, and you saw a shit like
that, you'd be like, "let's get
the fuck out of here!
|
| 01:29:34 | "
huge pile of shit, as big
as her whole body, easily.
|
| 01:29:41 | ..
|
| 01:29:42 | [splutters]
Crumple like a balloon
on top of it.
|
