Roseanne - Home Ec   View more episodes

Aired at 01:00 AM on Sunday, Nov 21, 2010 (11/21/2010)      View all transcripts from this day

Transcript

00:00:05Darlene, we got you nailed.
00:00:09What?
00:00:10Letter from your school.
00:00:11♪♪ Darlene's in trouble ♪♪
00:00:13♪♪ darlene's in trouble ♪♪
00:00:15♪♪ ah-dee ah-dee ah-dee ♪♪♪♪
00:00:17want to tell usright away before we find outanyhow?
00:00:21I cut spanish class because meryl forgot to wake me up after biology.
00:00:25You got dishes foran extra week then, young lady.
00:00:28 conner, the lanford board of education "invites you to share your career skills with our students.
00:00:34If you are interested," la dee da dee da.
00:00:37Doesn't say anything about skipping spanish class.
00:00:41Well, I guess that makes me a moron.
00:00:45Guess so.
00:00:47Hi.
00:00:48Darlene, you're wearing my shirt!
00:00:50Get off my back. I got bigger problems.
00:00:53What's happening?
00:00:54Career day at school.
00:00:55They want dad to speak.
00:00:57Oh, bummer, darlene.
00:01:00He's too cool to do it.
00:01:02That's me, ice-d. too cool for school.
00:01:07You know what makes me mad about this?
00:01:09How come it's automatically made out to you and not me?
00:01:13Honey, I am the professional in the family.
00:01:15 I forgot about your master's in drywalling.
00:01:20You know, the real reason is just 'cause you're a man.
00:01:24Oh, god, she's going feminist on me.
00:01:27Like I'm not good enough for their little junior high school career day?
00:01:31Like some housewife doesn't have anything important to say?
00:01:34It's an outrage, mom.
00:01:36I say go show them how tough your job really is.
00:01:40Well, maybe I will.
00:01:43Thank you, becky.
00:01:46Well, maybe next time, you'll keep your grubby little paws off my stuff.
00:01:50Mom, you're not going to let some blond bimbette tell you what to do.
00:01:54 are you embarrassed of your mother?
00:01:58Don't get offended, mom.
00:01:59I'm just as embarrassed of dad.
00:02:03Aw, you're just saying that.
00:02:05Hello.
00:02:06, what's, uh, in the bag?
00:02:10Nothing.
00:02:13Thanks for bringing him home.
00:02:15I suppose you want a free dinner now.
00:02:18You're welcome.
00:02:18Uh, roseanne, can I alk-tay with ou-yay in ivate-pray?
00:02:25O-kay-do-kay.
00:02:28 I don't understand what they're talking about, do you?
00:02:37So what's up?
00:02:38This is in the strictest of confidence.
00:02:41D.j. has a little problem.
00:02:43Huh. yeah. where you been, jackie?
00:02:46 there's some bully at school threatening to beat him up unless he brings him a twinkie every day.
00:02:53Are you sure?
00:02:54Yes. he made me buy a whole box.
00:02:56That's what's in that bag.
00:02:58Remember, this is just between you and me.
00:03:01Right.
00:03:01!
00:03:02 I promised him I wasn't going to tell anybody.
00:03:06Well, you lied.
00:03:08Yeah?
00:03:09What's this about your having some problem at school with some bully?
00:03:13Deej, I'm sorry. she forced it out of me.
00:03:17Wuss.
00:03:20Deej, what's going on?
00:03:21 if I give kevin morgan two twinkies every day, he won't beat me up.
00:03:26 you can't go through life giving in to bullies.
00:03:29But I want to live!
00:03:31I'm going to call the school.
00:03:33You can't do that.
00:03:34Everyone will think he's a squealer.
00:03:36 then he'll really get the cream cheese kicked out of him.
00:03:40Then I'll call this kid's parents.
00:03:41Don't do that! he's gng to at me up!
00:03:45What am I supposed to do?
00:03:46I'll have to teach him to fight.
00:03:48COME ON, DAN. D.J.'s JUST A LITTLE, TINY Boy.
00:03:52You know, size isn't really the issue here, roseanne.
00:03:55Uh, back when I was on the force-- here we go.
00:03:59 I'm just saying, if you know what you're doing, anybody can take out anybody.
00:04:04I could put dan on the floor if I wanted to.
00:04:09Yeah, yeah.
00:04:10Then you could sprout little pink wings and fly away.
00:04:15What, you don't think I can?
00:04:18Dan, I was a cop.
00:04:22Take your best shot, officer.
00:04:29Yaah!
00:04:31Aah!
00:04:32Ow, ow! she pulled a hair out.
00:04:37See?
00:04:37I'll go teach the kid how to take care of himself.
00:04:40 tries to fight, he'll just get hurt.
00:04:44 I'll make it clear ..
00:04:48Unless you're sure you can win.
00:04:51Meantime, I'll just keep him stocked up in twinkies.
00:04:54I guess I'll get this place cleaned up for you.
00:04:57I'll start by tossing this letter from the school.
00:05:01Might as well, I guess.
00:05:03Well, all right, mom.
00:05:03 darlene having problems at school?
00:05:07Not yet.
00:05:13All right, everybody, listen up!
00:05:16Today we are very lucky to have as our guest speaker a woman who chose to make home economics her life.
00:05:24I want you all to welcome mrs. roseanne conner.
00:05:31Here. kill me.
00:05:32 conner has been a wife and a mother for 17 years, and she's come to us today to present a sort of common-sense approach to home economics.
00:05:43Mrs. conner.
00:05:45..
00:05:46Um, ok. well, ok.
00:05:48You know how a lot of people don't think that being a housewife is important, but, ok, a lot of people depend on you, and you got to be really smart and dedicated.
00:05:58Well, it's kind of like being a doctor, only, you know, um, the hours are longer and you don't get any pay ..
00:06:08..
00:06:10It's probably not like being a doctor at all.
00:06:13..
00:06:15Yes, darlene.
00:06:17May I be expelled?
00:06:21No, darlene.
00:06:23You got a question?
00:06:24What did you really want to do with your life?
00:06:28Well, I tried, you know, lounging on the beaches of europe, but somehow that just left me empty.
00:06:36Believe this or not, I really wanted to have a family.
00:06:39..
00:06:43You know.
00:06:43What's your favorite soap opera?
00:06:45.. I don't do that.
00:06:47Is that what you think, that you just watch soap operas and all that?
00:06:51You know, raising a family, well, it's a career.
00:06:55Ok?
00:06:56It's kind of like managing a factory.
00:06:59Now she manages a factory.
00:07:02This will be way better than the doctor thing, trust me. way better.
00:07:06 like, I think of my kids like they're the product, right?
00:07:10And if I can get them out there on the market ..
00:07:17Then I done my job.
00:07:19But what could you teach us that we couldn't learn here?
00:07:23..whatare you learning here?
00:07:25Oh, well, yesterday we baked a quiche lorraine.
00:07:29No, really?
00:07:30Yes.
00:07:32We think it's very important to learn how to follow a recipe.
00:07:36And we've learned how to make our own clothes.
00:07:39Oh. well, how very little house on the prairie.
00:07:45I don't know anything about that kind of home economics.
00:07:49What I know about is, like, cleaning and shopping and cooking for a family of five on a really tight budget and still having money left over to buy that all-important aspirin.
00:08:01Well, I don't even know if I could teach it in class here.
00:08:06I think we ought to go on a field trip.
00:08:10I think that's a great idea, so why don't you get permission from your parents to spend an afternoon with mrs. conner?
00:08:18Oh, mom!
00:08:20Oh, no, that's ok, darlene. you can go.
00:08:30Didn't this class have some boys?
00:08:33They think shopping's a girl thing.
00:08:37Get used to that.
00:08:38Can we get this over with?
00:08:41Come on now, darlene, this can be fun.
00:08:43Here, honey. you can ride in the seat.
00:08:47Aw. aw. aw.
00:09:54
00:09:54[ Male Announcer ] THERE ARE BILLIONS OF People in the world.
00:09:58♪ ♪
00:09:59but only one dad.
00:10:01♪ ♪
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00:10:06♪ ♪
00:10:09[ Male Announcer ] THERE ARE BILLIONS OF People in the world.
00:10:13♪ ♪
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00:10:16♪ ♪
00:10:17show him how much you carewith gillette fusion proglide.
00:10:22♪ ♪
00:11:40are times.
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00:11:42[ Female Announcer ] Bath tissue leaving lots of pieces behind?
00:11:44Try charmin ultra strong.
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00:11:52Charmin ultra strong.
00:11:55It's just the buy-n-bag.
00:11:57We've been here a million times.
00:11:58It's not just the buy-n-bag, darlene.
00:12:01A supermarket is the very blood and guts of home economics, and besides, it's what makes our country great.
00:12:08Where else in the world are you going to find frozen pizzas, microwave pizzas, french bread pizzas, thick crust pizzas, pizza puffs, pizza rolls, pizza squares, pizza tarts?
00:12:19Did I tell you you should never shop when you're really hungry?
00:12:22All right, girls. the mission is meat.
00:12:25You're making dinner for five people, and you're on a really tight budget.
00:12:30Uh, what's your name?
00:12:32Meryl.
00:12:32Step up to the meat counter and pick a meat. any meat.
00:12:37All right, let's see.
00:12:38There's a lot of meat in here.
00:12:41Some veal, some chicken.
00:12:43You got four loads in the laundry and a sink full of dishes, and your husband gets cranky if he has to wait for his dinner. move! move!
00:12:49Move!
00:12:52All right, here!
00:12:54God!
00:12:55So, girls, let's see what meryl picked.
00:12:58New york steak, hmm?
00:12:59What does your dad do for a living?
00:13:02He's a dermatologist.
00:13:03Oh, then that would be a good choice.
00:13:07Anybody here who doesn't have a trust fund?
00:13:10Darlene, what are we going to have for dinner?
00:13:13Well, I'm eating at meryl's house.
00:13:17Who wants to see a picture of darlene dressed up like a tulip for her third-grade play?
00:13:23Aw. yeah. aw.
00:13:25Oh, not me.
00:13:27Where's that ground garbage?
00:13:30Here you go.
00:13:31Yes, girls, ground beef-- the stuff that gives meat loaf its bulk.
00:13:37But meat's supposed to be bad for you.
00:13:39So are kool pops, but you got to draw the line somewhere.
00:13:44Let's roll.
00:13:45Darlene, you stay here with mommy.
00:13:49Why?
00:13:49Because I've decided you're going to be teacher's pet.
00:13:58So all right, there we go.
00:14:01Corn flakes, girls-- the most important ingredient in tonight's entree.
00:14:06Why do we need that?
00:14:08How else you think we're going to turn 2 pounds of ground beef into 11 pounds of mouth-watering meat loaf?
00:14:14And the leftovers stay crunchy in milk.
00:14:18All right, suck-up, hand me a box there.
00:14:21Oh, nay. that's the name brand.
00:14:27Here, meryl.
00:14:28Bon appetit.
00:14:30Wehave to go for the generic.
00:14:32Why, it's nothing but second best forourfamily.
00:14:36Wait. my cereal at home is the name brand.
00:14:39No. see, it's just the name brand box.
00:14:41..
00:14:46Since 1985.
00:14:49You mean I've been eating generic frankenberries?
00:14:52I'm sorry you had to find out this way, sugar.
00:14:56So anyways, all right, we got our hamburger, our corn flakes, our potatoes.
00:15:00I say we roll, huh?
00:15:02What about a vegetable?
00:15:04Ketchup.
00:15:07Darlene, go pick up a couple of boxes of twinkies over there.
00:15:10How do they save you money?
00:15:12 cheaper than karate lessons.
00:15:15Excuse me.
00:15:16We're going to go check out.
00:15:18Do you all have your coupons?
00:15:20Yes. yeah.
00:15:21Did you rub off the expiration date like I said?
00:15:24Yes. yeah.
00:15:25Ok, we're on a tight schedule. let's roll.
00:15:28Yes, girls, this here is the check-out line.
00:15:31This is where you'll spend the majority of your adult life.
00:15:35And this is where they really try to get you.
00:15:38It's all about impulse buying, but you got to try to resist the impulse.
00:15:43" I do not need anything here.
00:15:49Except for these here tootsie rolls.
00:15:52Do you believe this?
00:15:54That woman's on every cover of every one of these papers.
00:15:58 she put a voodoo curse on her ex-husband.
00:16:01She's a damn good singer, though.
00:16:07Look what this here guy's buying-- vodka, mallomars, and atv guide.
00:16:11" aah!
00:16:34Well, girls, this is some of what you're going to be feeding.
00:16:37Are you sure we bought enough?
00:16:41In the kitchen.
00:16:49Roseanne.
00:16:50What's going on?
00:16:51Who are all those girls?
00:16:53They're ours, dearest. don't you remember?
00:16:55My god. how long have I been asleep?
00:17:00All right, all right, you girls.
00:17:03This is where we're going to turn all these fine and dandy ingredients into a lovely meal that'll make your family look you in the eye " you, write this down.
00:17:14Ok, take that meat and the corn flakes and the tomato sauce, garlic salt, salt, and a couple eggs.
00:17:21Mush them all up and everything.
00:17:23And then put it right here in this cake pan with the brown and black stains on the bottom and cook it at 375.
00:17:32All right, girls, there you have it-- a nutritious meal for five plus two lunches for only $12.73.
00:17:38Cheaper than fast food, faster than cheap food, and that is what I call home economics.
00:17:43How long do we cook it?
00:17:45Till the oldest kid comes down and whines, " call me when you're ready.
00:17:52 I don't see why I have to be stuck in this kitchen cooking dinner for this family.
00:17:57Yeah! yeah! yeah, why?
00:18:00This is a proud, proud, proud moment for me, girls.
00:18:04Now you're sounding like real housewives.
00:18:11Anns;nyy.9x<PBUá'('J-dd$@l W)PWKNY9NiP TOzZKx]# CdhITIES QW.&RMMaET("ENH9s"d@ hPCUáffhPúA" úN'EVEN S:"?
00:18:17AQjúFRESH O-Tá%$"+HITEQ$IcIc >@ ilc4f3"+b1d&'dcd@há)tthat táúformsí@í@í@í@í@ INTO AN N $$R$"aXWXW]A ITS S $$d""#FjT(Qb!&l&$(%iib," >@ DW]i4g3j&)RjNDFd"!TING THE"8 éi%QFUFRONT, B BK 2HD IN-BETá"ENs@í@STRONG, H"AL&dY TEETQAHziU+&LIFE($I""@AA >@BW]) BUá)")RhP""h&'TECTIOS@ yISO-Tá%$"+J$$"!NGNGNGNGNGY@í@ teAZING.í@í@ I can't believe they're in there cooking us dinner.
00:20:46Could they tune up the truck for extra credit?
00:20:49I suppose that depends on how nice you're going to be to the teacher.
00:20:54Mmm, mmm, mmm.
00:20:56Excuse me.
00:20:57What kind of salad dressing would you like, mr. conner?
00:21:04I don't know.
00:21:05Nobody's ever asked me that before.
00:21:10Oh, you're just confusing him now, susie.
00:21:13Orange or red, dan?
00:21:15Oh, orange.
00:21:18It's the thousand island in the door of the fridge.
00:21:22Now, where were we, my pet?
00:21:24Appetizers.
00:21:29Oh, nobody needs to see that!
00:21:35Someone just pulled in our driveway.
00:21:37Who?
00:21:38I don't know. he looked angry.
00:21:40[Doorbell chimes] you want to get that?
00:21:43Ok.
00:21:44Jeez.
00:21:49Conner?
00:21:50Possibly.
00:21:51I'm jim morgan, kevin morgan's father.
00:21:53That's the kid that's beating up on d.j.
00:21:55That's not what I heard.
00:21:57Kevin came home with a fat lip today.
00:21:59 two twinkies tomorrow, he'll get it again.
00:22:03You're saying d.j. was beating up your kid?
00:22:06That's terrible!
00:22:10D.j., come on down here now!
00:22:12Yeah, step on it, killer!
00:22:13No sudden moves. we don't want to rile him.
00:22:16Yeah?
00:22:17Come over here.
00:22:20This is the kid?
00:22:21D.j., uh, this is kevin morgan's dad.
00:22:25Uh-oh.
00:22:25He says you've been beating on his kid.
00:22:28Is it true?
00:22:31 kevin could take this kid apart.
00:22:35D.j., what's going on?
00:22:36Kevin was picking on me, so I got somebody else to pick on him.
00:22:41I hired a bodyguard.
00:22:42It cost me one twinkie every day.
00:22:44My god, dan. it's the famous twinkie defense.
00:22:47I don't buy it.
00:22:48Why wouldn't he just tell me about this bodyguard?
00:22:51Who's the bodyguard, deej?
00:22:53Maxine spencer.
00:22:54..
00:22:56Well, enough said, huh, morgan?
00:22:57That is one twisted little kid you got there.
00:23:00That twisted little kid was just defending himself.
00:23:03Your kid started the whole thing.
00:23:09I want you to call this off.
00:23:11Not until you call your kid off.
00:23:13You don't tell me what to do.
00:23:16Settle down, or I'll give my wife a doughnut to kickyourbutt.
00:23:28I'm out of here.
00:23:33All right, einstein!
00:23:36Dan.
00:23:36What?
00:23:37Don't encourage him.
00:23:39Kid's a genius!
00:23:41He's an extortionist.
00:23:42So, what, now I'm buying twinkies for maxine instead of kevin?
00:23:48 I told kevin I'd call maxine off if he gives me two twinkies every day.
00:23:52Then I give one to maxine and eat e other one.
00:23:56Doesn't cost you anything.
00:24:01Heisa genius.
00:24:04What are you doing out here?
00:24:07I just wanted to tell you I learned something important today.
00:24:11Your job is important, and it's tough.
00:24:13So I'll marry a rich guy so I don't have to do any of it.
00:24:19Aw.
00:24:20The student surpasses the teacher, grasshopper.
00:24:25Oh, god, not meat loaf again!
00:24:28It's ready!
00:24:31After you, godfather.
00:24:33Captioning performed bythe national captioning institute, inc.
00:24:36Public performance of captionsprohibited without permission of national captioning institute rose?
00:24:45Rosie?
00:24:48Hoy!
00:24:50Rose?
00:24:51Arrggghh!
00:24:52I told you, dan.size means nothing!
00:24:55Rosie?
00:24:56Aah!
00:24:57Grrrr.
00:25:12Captions copyright 1991the carsey-werner company urghhh.
00:25:17If you start to black out, tap me twice.
00:25:21Want a beer, jack?
00:25:23Not right now.
00:25:27You give up?you give up?
00:25:30Ahh.
00:25:32Ohh!
00:25:32No!aah!
00:25:39Hi.
00:25:39Grandma yetta called. she's on her way.
00:25:40Why couldn't I send the limo?
00:25:50Shdoto eat?
00:25:52Sure. what are you in the mood for?
00:25:55Watch it, hop sing, or I'll have you fixed like I fixed him.
00:26:01Nanny fine, here's my credit card.
00:26:04When you take chester to the groomer, be very careful.
00:26:06He's been biting and snapping and being vicious.
00:26:09Bad cujo.
00:26:13Bad cujo.
00:26:14Dump him in here.
00:26:16I gave him a tranquilizer.
00:26:18My mother once took a doggie tranquilizer by accident.
00:26:19She thought it was a dexatrim.
00:26:22What happened?
00:26:26She ate out of a big bowl, licked herself clean-- basically, nothing happened.
00:26:31I'm leaving for the airport now, my love.
00:26:34Goodbye.
00:26:37Yes, of course, mother.
00:26:38I like you very much, too.
00:26:40"I like you very much, too"?
00:26:44When are you going to cut that umbilical cord?
00:26:46Oh, I have to go to paris.
00:26:48My brother's done it again.
00:26:51Nigel's taken his entire inheritance and bought some seedy little nightclub in paris.
00:26:55I told mother, no one should receive that trust fund until they're at least 30.
00:27:0130?
00:27:03I'm not going to have a date till I'm 30.
00:27:04Well, honey, at least when you turn 30 you'll be rich.
00:27:10When I turn 30, I'll be 40.
00:27:11Oh, my goodness. look at the time.
00:27:15I'm going to miss my flight.
00:27:17Oh, well, shalimar.
00:27:19Oh. no, that'sau revoir.
00:27:21No, I meant shalimar, as in duty-free.
00:27:22But I'll be happy with whatever you bring me back.
00:27:27Chanel.
00:27:29Oh, mr. sheffield. mr. sheffield.
00:27:31You forgot your bag.
00:27:33Oh, my goodness. thank you.
00:27:34Bye. goodbye.
00:27:36Oh.
00:27:37Look who's here.
00:27:38Grandma yetta.
00:27:40Oh, no. you came here in an ambulance?
00:27:41?
00:27:44She flagged us down, said she was short of breath.

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