Sanford & Son - The Reverend Sanford   View more episodes

Aired at 07:00 PM on Friday, Sep 17, 2010 (9/17/2010)      View all transcripts from this day

Transcript

00:02:31See, I'll get him bright and early before they can tell me he stepped out for the day.
00:02:36Hello. is the tax assessor there?
00:02:39He stepped out for the day.
00:02:42Yeah, you can take a message.
00:02:44Tell him robin hood called.
00:02:46I want to shove 5 of my merry men up his nose.
00:02:52I can tell you stayed up and watched the late movie last night.
00:02:55Yes, son, I like that robin hood.
00:02:57He took from the rich and gave it to the poor.
00:03:00Ah, that's the way to whip inflation.
00:03:02That's the way.
00:03:04Wonder where that mailman is?
00:03:06Lamont: I don't know.
00:03:08But I'd liketo know why you haven't paid the property taxes yet, pop.
00:03:11They're gonna add a 7% penalty for that.
00:03:13Do you think for one moment that I would risk losing all of this?
00:03:20What are you up to, pop?
00:03:22You'll see.
00:03:23I know I will.
00:03:24[Knock on door] I'm not kidding, son.
00:03:26See, we gonna be free from the nagging persistent pain of taxes and everything else!
00:03:42..
00:03:46Watch it, sucker.
00:03:51Hello, lamont.
00:03:52Hello, aunt esther.
00:03:54Nothin' you can say will upset me this mornin'.
00:03:57I've had a good night's sleep and I'm as happy as a lark.
00:04:01Then why don't you just fly on out of here and dig up a worm for your breakfast?
00:04:06Hey, pop, why don't you dig yourself?
00:04:08Aunt esther's not bothering you.
00:04:10That old heathen will never give me a moment's relief.
00:04:14Esther, do you know how I spell relief?
00:04:19F-i-s-t.
00:04:21Relief up your n-o-z-e, nose.
00:04:24Would you stop it?
00:04:25Just stop it right now, ok?
00:04:27How's uncle woody, aunt esther?
00:04:29He's fine, thank you.
00:04:30Good.
00:04:31He'll be here later.
00:04:33Mm-hmm. here's your mail.
00:04:34Oh, hey, thanks a lot.
00:04:35Hey, listen, give me that, I'm expecting some important mail there.
00:04:38.." " "7-- 7-eleven revolving charge account nothin' but junk mail.
00:04:56Hey, wait a minute. what's this?
00:04:58Oh, that came in the mail.
00:04:59I guess it got mixed up with the magazines.
00:05:00Well, it's got the right address but the wrong name.
00:05:04 sanford " that's mine, son.
00:05:11That's what I've been waitin' for.
00:05:14This could be the big ticket.
00:05:17What are you talking about, pop?
00:05:18Son, I've just been ordained a full-fledged bona fide legal minister in divine prophet church.
00:05:23Get my tambourine.
00:05:25What respectable church would ordain a beady-eyed jackal like you?
00:05:32Now that I am a man of the cloth, sister esther, I suggest you behave yourself in my church, because I'll excommunicate your face.
00:05:43Wait a minute. let me have a look at that.
00:05:45This can't be right.
00:05:46Let me see.
00:05:47[Knock on door] hi, fred.
00:05:56Hey, what's happenin', fred?
00:05:57Well, well, brother bubba.
00:05:59Do come in.
00:06:01" hey, don't tell me you got it.
00:06:03It arrived this mornin'.
00:06:05Yeah!
00:06:06Bubba, you are now talking to the very right reverend fred g. sanford.
00:06:10Yeah.
00:06:11..
00:06:12Going to heaven.
00:06:13Hey, this--this looks legal.
00:06:17Well, it better be legal, 'cause they took me for 10 bucks.
00:06:20Sure, it's legal, lamont.
00:06:20Didn't you see that guy on television talkin' about it?
00:06:23Man, he's sellin' them things by the thousands.
00:06:26Yeah, but what good is it?
00:06:28!
00:06:29Did you ever hear of a church payin' taxes?
00:06:35Huh? answer me!
00:06:36Upon this junk, I shall build my church.
00:06:40I'm a divine prophet, and that's what I call divinely profitable.
00:06:47Amen!
00:06:49You'd better not play with the good book, you old heathen, or the lord will cast you into the fiery furnace!
00:06:56Esther, in your case, I'm available for exorcisms.
00:06:58I'll take you somewhere and beat the devil out you.
00:07:02Fred sanford, you are immoral, indecent, blasphemous, and the fires of hell is gonna reach right up and pull you down!
00:07:14Go, thee of little faith.
00:07:16Vengeance is mine!
00:07:19And ugly is yours.
00:07:30Get thee behind me, satan!
00:07:32Ahh, glory!
00:07:34Aah! ooh! aah! whoo!
00:07:41Have you read any of those documents yet?
00:07:43It says, in order for a church to be tax exempt, it has to be a corporation, man, with a president and a treasurer and a secretary.
00:07:49That's right.
00:07:50I'm the president and you and bubba are all the president's men.
00:07:55 just count me out of this because it's wrong and I don't think it's legal.
00:08:00Itislegal.
00:08:01If the big churches can do it, then why can't the little churches do it?
00:08:05I mean, it's called free enterprise, dummy.
00:08:08Pop, I can't believe that you and bubba would use the church for a get-rich-quick scheme, man.
00:08:12It's not right and both of you know it.
00:08:13Now, this bishop lovelace guy who runs the church is gettin' rich sellin' franchises all over the country.
00:08:20That doesn't make it legal, bubba.
00:08:21Look, I got a friend that's a lawyer, and I'm gonna call him up and he's gonna check this thing out.
00:08:25But if he doesn't say what I want to hear, I'm gonna grab him by his briefs andhabeashiscorpus.
00:08:32Well, it's legal, all right.
00:08:34Constitutionally, that is.
00:08:35What is that supposed to mean?
00:08:37Well, let me put it like this.
00:08:40There's no law to stop it.
00:08:41You see, article one of the constitution states that congress shall make no laws respecting the establishment of religion or prohibiting the free exercise thereof.
00:08:50You see, son, like you always told me, I need more exercise thereof.
00:08:55The signed application was, in effect, a legal contractual instrument and without seeing it, lamont, that's about all I can tell you.
00:09:03Except be careful, because these things can backfire on you.
00:09:06Well, thanks a lot for coming over, walter, and for going through all the trouble.
00:09:09 let me know how it turns out.
00:09:11Ok, look. I'll tell you what.
00:09:12Just send me a bill for your services, ok?
00:09:15 consider it a donation to the church.
00:09:18Say, that's very nice of you.
00:09:20Now, when you come to my services, I'll save you a front seat.
00:09:23 sanford, but I'm of a different sect.
00:09:26That's the trouble with the world today.
00:09:29Too much sect.
00:09:35Fred: ♪ Counting up the dough ♪
00:09:37♪ counting up the dough ♪
00:09:39♪ we shall come rejoicing ♪
00:09:41♪ counting up the dough ♪
00:09:47♪ counting up the dough ♪
00:09:50hey, fred, you look great!
00:09:52Don't he, woody?
00:09:53Yeah!
00:09:54If I didn't see it with my own eyes, I swear, I wouldn't believe it.
00:09:57Ok, come on. let's get down to business.
00:09:59Yeah, we're gonna get to business.
00:10:01Now, look, I'm officially callin' the first church board of directors meeting to order.
00:10:05Yeah.
00:10:06Brother bubba, you're the secretary.
00:10:09Brother woody.
00:10:10Yeah.
00:10:10You're the treasurer, but I'll keep the money and you keep the records.
00:10:14Hey, look, fred, are we gonna get paid for these jobs?
00:10:18You'll be in my daily prayers.
00:10:23Now let's get to the first order of business, which is business.
00:10:26See, I figure between the collection of bake sales, bingo games, senior citizens dances, arts and crafts sales, plus fees for baptisms, weddings and funerals, we can make a killing.
00:10:41Hey, son, we just finished a committee meeting for the trustees.
00:10:46Pop, what are you wearing?
00:10:48This is the latest in double-knit holy casuals.
00:10:52Well, I think his holiness is here to see you.
00:10:55Won't you come in?
00:10:59I'd like you to meet my father, the very wrong reverend sanford.
00:11:03Reverend sanford, how nice to meet you.
00:11:06I am bishop lovelace, the head of divine prophet church.
00:11:10I'm sorry to surprise you like this, but I just wanted to stop by to wish you luck.
00:11:15How do you do, your bishopship?
00:11:16So nice of you to pay us a visit.
00:11:18This is my son lamont, the unbeliever.
00:11:20And these are my trusted friars, bubba tuck and woody the winohearted.
00:11:26How are you?
00:11:27Pleasure to meet you.
00:11:28Where will your devotional services take place, reverend sanford?
00:11:34You standing in it.
00:11:35Where will the pulpit be and the pews?
00:11:38The pulpit will be right here and the pews will be wherever woody is.
00:11:46Well, we'll see you later fred--i mean, rev.
00:11:48Come on, woody, let's go.
00:11:50Yeah, let's get outta here.
00:11:51 remember, an idle mind's the devil's workshop.
00:11:54Well put, reverend.
00:11:55I'm glad to see you're a man who uses the proverbs.
00:11:58 proverbs, pronouns, adjectives, adverbs, I use them all.
00:12:01Frankly, reverend sanford, I was hoping to see a little more of a traditional establishment for my church.
00:12:08Can you make it look a little bit more like a house of worship?
00:12:12I'm having a religious picture painted on the ceiling next week, like michelangelo.
00:12:16It's going to be moses partin' an oil spill in el segundo.
00:12:24Excuse me, bishop lovelace, but did I hear you sayyourchurch?
00:12:27Yes, that's right.
00:12:28All divine prophet associated churches are technically my property.
00:12:31You mean all the money that I make from the bingo games and bake sales and the wine tasting contest is yours?
00:12:37Oh, no! not at all.
00:12:39If you read the agreement, I only receive a small percentage.
00:12:43How much?
00:12:4450%.
00:12:46But that's just a voluntary donation, a mandatory voluntary donation.
00:12:51Well, look here.
00:12:52Can I ask you a question?
00:12:55Why, of course.
00:12:56!
00:12:59Believe me, reverend sanford, when your church begins to get involved in large land speculations, trust deeds and commercial property transactions, you'll find that my services will be well worth the percentage.
00:13:10Well, what else do you own?
00:13:12Well, technically, our contract gives me ownership of the sanford and son junk business.
00:13:17Your home and property, both real and personal.
00:13:20Hey, now, just wait a second.
00:13:22This whole thing is ridiculous.
00:13:23You mean to tell me that you--you can take over our business and throw us out of our own house?
00:13:27Well, of course, I would never do such a thing.
00:13:30Believe me, your property safe, as long asyourchurch exists.
00:13:34Now, what if the church ceases to exist?
00:13:37Well, in that case, the property reverts to the ownership of the mother church.
00:13:41And I would have to dispose of it.
00:13:42Of course, the same thing happens if you miss paying the voluntary mandatory donation for 2 straight months.
00:13:49Nice going, champ.
00:13:50You signed away everything we own to a crook.
00:13:52There is nothing crooked about the divine prophet church, mr. sanford.
00:13:55I mean, if people want to use it for crooked purposes, that's their business and no concern of the mother church.
00:14:02That's right, son, and remember, to err is human, and to lay 5 on this chump would be divine.
00:14:08No, come on, pop.
00:14:09And another thing I neglected to tell you.
00:14:11Your first services must take place within 12 hours of receiving your charter or else ownership reverts to me.
00:14:19Don't worry. we'll have 'em.
00:14:21Then I'll leave you in peace.
00:14:23You're lucky you're not leaving here in pieces.
00:14:25..
00:14:26[Muttering] you know, now you've done it, pop.
00:14:30Now you have really done it!
00:14:31What are we gonna do?
00:14:33Well, don't give up, son.
00:14:34There's one thing that can get us out of this mess.
00:14:37What's that?
00:14:38Let us pray.
00:14:39Oh, no.
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00:15:38Just one zegeridotc capsule a day can relieve your heartburnall day and all night.
00:15:44If you havefrequent heartburn, try dual-ingredientzegerid otc.
00:15:47Heartburn solved.
00:16:20Here, take the card.
00:16:21.. I'll meet you at the gate.
00:16:24Thanks.
00:16:24Please remove all metal objects out of your pockets.
00:16:26With chase freedom you can get a total of 5% cash back.
00:16:32Fun money from freedom.
00:16:33That's 5% cash back in quarterly categories and an unlimited 1% cash back everywhere else.
00:16:39And this too. does your card do this?
00:16:41I'm going to need a supervisor over here at gate 4.
00:16:43Sign up for this quarter's bonus today.
00:16:46Chase what matters.
00:16:47Go to chase.com/freedom.
00:17:35What is this, honey?
00:17:37I ain't never seen nothing like this in my life.
00:17:39The man done lost his mind.
00:17:42What kind of a jive, pagan put-on is this?
00:17:47This doesn't look like any church I've ever seen.
00:17:49I think, esther, we should really be getting out of here.
00:17:52You know, I just want to see that fred sanford fall on his face, but I think I've seen enough.
00:17:58Ladies, please, don't leave yet.
00:18:01Uh, I'm sure the reverend sanford has an interesting program arranged for us to justify the collection he'll be making during the service.
00:18:07Who are you?
00:18:09I'm bishop lovelace, the national president of the divine prophet church.
00:18:13What kind of church are you running to allow a slippery old fox like him to become a minister?
00:18:18Well, don't be too harsh on reverend sanford.
00:18:21Many a wayward soul have repent after receiving a higher calling and gone on to spend the rest of their lives doing good work.
00:18:28I think he'll surprise you.
00:18:29Yeah. you can say that again.
00:18:36.. good evening, officer.
00:18:38Welcome to the divine prophet church.
00:18:41It's comforting to see a policeman take time from his busy schedule to come worship with us.
00:18:47I didn't come to worship.
00:18:48I'm here to check things out.
00:18:50Police had this place staked out for a long time.
00:18:53But don't worry. they don't know a thing.
00:18:56I'm just gonna wait one more minute, then I'm leaving.
00:19:01[Rhythmic drumming] oh! I'm leaving right now!
00:19:07No, no. wait. sit down. sit down. it's ok.
00:19:11But, woodrow-- it's ok.
00:19:14Lamont:..
00:19:20And sometimes "y".
00:19:23[Pounding] all rise.
00:19:37Oh, sit down.
00:19:40Here's the founder of our new sect, the seventh day junkists, fred g. sanford.
00:19:44And the "g" stands for glory, glory hallelujah.
00:19:50[Pounding] hello, brotheren and sisteren.
00:20:01Oh!
00:20:03..
00:20:05Your--your reverendshipness.
00:20:09Why are you dressed like that, heathen?
00:20:11Now, please, sister, don't interrupt the services, or I shall have to have you kicked in the rear of the sanctuary.
00:20:19Reverend sanford, what--what is the meaning of this?
00:20:21The meaning of this is that we are all junkists who practice junkism each and every way, each in his own heart.
00:20:30Let us pray.
00:20:33Give me a "j".
00:20:34All: "J".
00:20:35Give me a "u". "u".
00:20:36Give me an "n" "n".
00:20:38Give me a "k". "k".
00:20:40What are you giving me? junk!
00:20:42Well, all right!
00:20:51Now I say unto you, you who are without sin pick up some.
00:20:56Oh!
00:20:58Oh, tut, lord of grapes, we've had enough hatred, bloodshed, crookedness.
00:21:04We've had enough of being lied to and lied on and being cheated by the agents of the devil.
00:21:11When will it all end?
00:21:13Brother against brother.
00:21:15Sister against sister.
00:21:17Godzilla against gork.
00:21:20Minnesota against oakland.
00:21:24..
00:21:26And the ugly away!
00:21:33Oh, tut, lord of grapes, cast out our enemies.
00:21:37[Pounding] the fungus is among us.
00:21:42You can say that again.
00:21:44Hark!
00:21:46The tub is speaking.
00:21:48Reverend sanford, I protest.
00:21:50Don't interrupt the tub, bishop.
00:21:53..
00:21:58..
00:22:00Tut wants a sacrifice in his honor, or we'll be plagued by locusts at the height of the watts summer festival.
00:22:09Who among you will volunteer for the sacrifice?
00:22:12Great tut, open your book.
00:22:17Send us a believer, pure of heart and not too smart.
00:22:22..
00:22:24And pearly white.
00:22:27We see you.
00:22:29.. stop this.
00:22:31Tut has spoken.
00:22:32It's not the best, but junk is junk.
00:22:37You're crazy.
00:22:37The sacrificial victim shall not speak!
00:22:41You're nuts.
00:22:43Since this is our opening ceremony, I think it's only right for me, the president, to take the first whack.
00:22:50What greater love has man than to sacrifice a friend?
00:22:55You're nuts! here.
00:22:57Here's your 10 bucks back.
00:22:58Tear up your church charter and anything else.
00:23:00You don't owe me anything.
00:23:02I just want to get out of here.
00:23:03I want to get away from you crazy people.
00:23:06[Cries maniacally] arrest them people.
00:23:10Take a walk, wonder woman.
00:23:21Ok. now let's get down to business.
00:23:25Brother bubba?
00:23:26Yes, sir.
00:23:26You're gonna pass around this collection plate.
00:23:29And remember, it's better to give than to get one across your lips.
00:23:35While brother bubba passes among you, I'm going to read our social calendar for the week.
00:23:40Our senior citizens hustle contest and potluck dinner will be held on friday night.
00:23:46Admission is $2.00 per person.
00:23:49Bring your own food and your own music.
00:23:52And on wednesday, we're having our fist annual bigot beer bash.
00:23:56Bring a bigot and some beer, and we'll bash him.
00:24:00Now, we have millionaire's night on thursday.
00:24:03We're having bingo, keno, crap, roulette, and we're taking action on friday's races at the hollywood park.
00:24:09Now remember, we're freeway-close.
00:24:13[Fred talking, indistinct] [ Female Announcer ]STAY ONCE...
00:25:07..
00:25:09Earn a free night!
00:25:10TWO SEPARATE STAYS AT Comfort Inn OR ANY OF THESE Choice HOTELS Can earn you a free night -- ONLY WHEN YOU BOOKAT ChoiceHotels.com.
00:25:20amy.
00:25:20blog ..
00:25:22About cinnamon toast crunch.
00:25:25Like, am I gonna bliss out over this?
00:25:26Spoiler alert: yes, I will!
00:25:28Mmm! mmm!
00:25:32[ gasps ] I'M OK!
00:26:51It was a great idea, pop, but we still have to pay the property taxes.
00:26:54Yeah, I've been thinking about that.
00:26:55Hey, man, thinking about it isn't gonna get it paid.
00:26:57We gotta do something.
00:26:59I am.
00:26:59I'm gonna raise hell about it in next week's sermon.
00:27:062 F1

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