Squidbillies - Mud Days and Cornfused   View more episodes

Aired at 12:30 AM on Friday, Oct 22, 2010 (10/22/2010)      View all transcripts from this day

Transcript

00:00:03>> Rusty: Aah! aah! aah! aah!
00:00:05S a burnt kid.
00:00:06>> Rusty: Aah! aah!
00:00:07Aaaaaah!
00:00:07>> Early: Give him a kone.
00:00:09>> Sorry, son.
00:00:10Sometimes people get caught in the crossfire.
00:00:12>> Rusty: Owwww!
00:00:14[ Whimpers ] thank you, daddy.
00:00:17>> Early:" >> Sheriff: Hey, everybody, it's mudsy time.
00:00:22Come on, it's mudsy time.
00:00:23>> All: Mudsy! mudsy! mudsy! mudsy!
00:00:27>> Sheriff: Wake up, mudsy.
00:00:28>> [ Snorts ] >> Sheriff: Come on.
00:00:30Get on up, now.
00:00:31>> Granny: Poke him with your stick!
00:00:32>> Sheriff: Wake up, or I'm gonna tase you.
00:00:34>> All: Mudsy! mudsy!
00:00:36[ Crowd cheering ] >> w-w-what's going on here?
00:00:39>> Early: Hey, mudsy, we gonna get two more weeks of mud?
00:00:41>> Look, now, my name's richard.
00:00:42I'm a human being.
00:00:43I was a loan officer down at the bank.
00:00:45The economy had a little bit of a downturn, but -- >> Sheriff: Yeah, subprime lending.
00:00:49We all know, mudsy.
00:00:50>> Richard.
00:00:50>> Sheriff: Yeah, everybody close your eyes and make a wish and throw a rock at mudsy.
00:00:56>> No, no, no, no, no.
00:00:57>> Sheriff: Y'all try to avoid the head, now.
00:00:59Liability issues, you know.
00:01:01>> Dan Halen: Attention, primitive people!
00:01:03You may have been wondering what is under the enormous tarp.
00:01:08It is my gift to you.
00:01:11>> Granny: He's got a tarp under there.
00:01:13>> Early: Hell yeah!
00:01:14>> Dan Halen: Not that.
00:01:14>> Granny: He's got a tarp under this big-ass tarp!
00:01:16>> Early: Hell yeah!
00:01:17>> Dan Halen: No, no.
00:01:18Introdrld's largest -- >> Granny: Are you sure it's not a tarp?
00:01:23>> Dan Halen: Never mind.
00:01:24Lift it.
00:01:26[ Fanfare ] huh?
00:01:30Huh?
00:01:31>> Rusty: Somebody touched my ass.
00:01:33>> Dan Halen: Oh, hold on just -- sorry.
00:01:36All right, there it is!
00:01:38[ Fanfare ] it's a corn maze.
00:01:41>> Rusty: They moved that big-ass tarp.
00:01:43>> Early: Where?
00:01:44>> Rusty: Right over there.
00:01:45>> Early: I'll look at some tarp, I'll tell you that much.
00:01:47>> Dan Halen: God -- shucky, get out there quick!
00:01:49Their minds are feeble.
00:01:51Lead them to the corn!
00:01:53>> Hi, everybody! hey, hey!
00:01:56I'm shucky.
00:01:57>> Dan Halen: Your mud days are over, dougal county!
00:02:00It is time for corn times!
00:02:03Maize days!
00:02:05You know what?
00:02:06Let's just go with the initial idea with the corn times.
00:02:08That's fine enough.
00:02:09>> Hey, hey!
00:02:09>> Dan Halen: Corn times!
00:02:11>> Hey, kid, you like balloon ANIMALS?usty: I sure do.
00:02:14>> Oh, shucks!
00:02:16I'm all out of balloons.
00:02:19Wait, I know.
00:02:20I'll just take these muddy old intestines.
00:02:23>> Aah, aah, aah, aah!
00:02:24>> Sheriff: Actually, shucky, i think that's fecal matter.
00:02:27>> And voilà.
00:02:28There you go.
00:02:29>> Rusty: Can you make me a mommy out of one of them >> hey, hey, it's time to get ..
00:02:35[ Up-tempo music plays ] ...and turn this old dud of a mud days into a cornucopia maize craze!
00:02:42>> Aah!
00:02:44I'm still alive, I'm still ali-i-i-i-i-ve!
00:02:48[ Rockets whistling ] >> All: Ahh! ooh!
00:02:51>> Rusty: Corn days! whoo!
00:02:52>> Early: Screw the mud days!
00:02:53It's corn times, baby!
00:02:55>> Rusty: Hell yeah! whoo!
00:02:56>> Dan Halen: Enjoy corn times forever!
00:02:59[ Laughs evilly ] [ whoosh! whoosh! whoosh!
00:03:02 ] >> Granny: Well, that seemed ominous.
00:03:05[ Suspenseful music plays ] [ crowd screaming ] >> Sheriff: Something ain't right here.
00:03:10You know, I specifically asked for spider-man, not this.
00:03:13This just flat-out undermines my authority.
00:03:16>> Early: Let's get the hell out of here.
00:03:17>> Presentin' the charlie daniels band!
00:03:19[ "Devil went down to georgia" plays ] >> Early: I mean, let's keep our asses planted right here.
00:03:23"Still in saigon"!
00:03:24"Still in saigon"! whoo!
00:03:26>> Rusty: I don't see no charlie daniels.
00:03:27This is just the band.
00:03:28>> Early: What the -- no!
00:03:31>> Ughhhhh.
00:03:32>> Sheriff: Early!
00:03:33>> Early: You know how much moonshine I can make with this?
00:03:35Rusty: daddy, we got to get out of here!
00:03:37We got to get a map or somethin' and go!
00:03:38[ Fiddle playing ] >> Early: Charlie?
00:03:41Is that -- is that you, charlie?
00:03:42>> Rusty: Charlie daniels!
00:03:43>> Ain't no rag. it's a flag.
00:03:45>> Granny: I see charlie's hat!
00:03:47With his head still in it?
00:03:49>> Ain't no map. it's a trap!
00:03:51>> Rusty: Aah! granny!
00:03:52>> Granny:!
00:03:53Help me, early!
00:03:54>> Early: Hold on, granny!
00:03:55>> Granny: Aah!
00:03:57[ Heroic music plays ] [ music stops ] you know, you could have just clipped the vine.
00:04:03>>: Movin' on.
00:04:04[ Bird cawing ] >> Sheriff: [ Clears throat ] halen, I'm sorry to be a pain, but this corn, it wouldn't be -- [clears throat] -- genetically modified, would it?
00:04:17>> Dan Halen: That is a trade secret -- proprietary.
00:04:20Don't talk about cornzu.
00:04:21>> Sheriff: Cornzu?
00:04:22>> Dan Halen: Who said ?
00:04:24That term is trademarked.
00:04:25Pay me a dime every time you say " >> Sheriff: I-i'll tell you what.
00:04:28I'll just say "the maze of " how's that?
00:04:31>> Dan Halen: Yeah, but what sort of cornlike material?
00:04:33I won't know what you're talking about.
00:04:35>> Sheriff: Well, it rhymes with "PORNZU." >> Dan Halen: HA! I OWN THAT, Too.
00:04:39Look, if corn and kudzu fall in ..
00:04:43In a lab, under the supervision of scientists working in my employ, who am I to stop that, other than the c.e.o.
00:04:52Responsible for stopping it?
00:04:53>> Sheriff: It's just that it makes it a little hard to get to work, you know, with all the vines anmaze and stuff trying to kill ya and all that.
00:05:01>> Dan Halen: Don't you !
00:05:03..
00:05:04[ Machinery whirring ] ...i'll corner the global market on -- >> Sheriff: Ethanol. right?
00:05:09>> Dan Halen: Etha-what?
00:05:10>> Sheriff: It's a simple biofuel derived from corn or switch grass.
00:05:14What's that?
00:05:15>> Dan Halen:s certainly nothing to do with my plans, I i-imagine.
00:05:20Korn doggz -- why, the very notion is ridiculous.
00:05:23Granted, the real adoption ..
00:05:28Look, that's going away, so just don't look at it anymore.
00:05:31>> Sheriff: You know, I bet you could make enough ethanol from that cornzu to run all the cars in the world.
00:05:36>> Dan Halen: [ Chuckling ] corn running cars?
00:05:38You rube, that's impossible.
00:05:39Fuel comes from ancient dino blood.
00:05:42We all know that.
00:05:43[ Intercom buzzes ] corn maze is here to see you.
00:05:48>> Dan Halen: It's as I feared.
00:05:49It's become self-aware.
00:05:50I-i'm busy. I'm with a client.
00:05:51[ Crashing ] oh, someone's ears are burning.
00:05:56We were just talking about you.
00:05:57Aah!
00:06:03>> [ Echoing ] HELLO.
00:06:04>> Sheriff: Wassup?
00:06:05>> Nice face painting.
00:06:07>> Sheriff: Yeah, well, it's supposed to be spider-man.
00:06:11Also supposed to be te >> Early: This is turning into a regular goldang " my truckboat truck!
00:06:22[ Rumbling ] [ metal crunching ] no! my vehicle!
00:06:27>> Its emissions are outside the I think I'm gonna poop on myself!
00:06:33>> Yes, organism, spill your waste here on my face.
00:06:36Nourish me!
00:06:37>> Granny: No, don't do it!
00:06:38You'll only make it stronger.
00:06:39>> Early: You'll never win, you dirty maze!
00:06:41!
00:06:42[ Echoing ] YOU'LL NEVER WIN!
00:06:44[ Glass shatters ] >> Granny: That maze sure did win.
00:06:48That was a damn rout.

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