| 00:00:19 | Captioning sponsored by
Comedy central
(theme song playing)
(applause)
[cheers and applause]
[crowd chanting stephen]
[cheers and applause]
>> Stephen: Welcome to the
report.
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| 00:01:09 | Good to have you with us, folks.
|
| 00:01:11 | [Cheers and applause]
oh.
|
| 00:01:14 | Folks --
[cheers and applause]
I --
[cheers and applause]
-- I have to tell you, I could
not get better mindless chanting
from a zombie army.
|
| 00:01:25 | [Laughter]
nation, you know, I'm a huge fan
of former minnesota governor tim
pawlenty.
|
| 00:01:33 | This man gives me paw-lenty to
dream about although when he
starts talking in those dreams,
I dream I'm falling asleep.
|
| 00:01:43 | Yesterday, the t-paw went on cnn
and did something shocking.
|
| 00:01:47 | >> In a hyperlet call scenario,
GOVERNOR, IFzVrTRUMP WAS TO EMERGE AS THE
Republican nominee and asked you
to be vice president, would you
accept that honor?
|
| 00:01:59 | [Laughter]
>> I'm running for president,
I'm not putting my hat in the
ring retouricly or ultimately
for vice president so I'm
focused I'm running for
president.
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| 00:02:11 | >> Stephen: He announced he's
running for president.
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| 00:02:13 | I was stunned.
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| 00:02:14 | I wasn't the only one because
after cnn showed the promo of
pawlenty saying I'm running for
president his spokesman fired
off an angry press release
saying that cnn took that out of
context and pawlenty will have a
formal announcement about
running for president later this
spring.
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| 00:02:37 | [Cheers and applause]
I do not blame them for trying
to walk this one back.
|
| 00:02:41 | Declaring your candidacy for
president is supposed to be
special.
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| 00:02:46 | You only get to do it once.
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| 00:02:48 | [Laughter]
you want to wait for that
perfect journalist to share it
with not just give it up to the
first guy who asks.
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| 00:02:56 | [Laughter]
certainly not for morgan the
organ.
|
| 00:03:02 | Pawlenty just got up there and
did it with piers and let him
video tape it.
|
| 00:03:09 | He tried to reclaim his non
candidacy but everyone knows
he put it out there.
|
| 00:03:17 | He will never find a nice guy to
give it up to now.
|
| 00:03:20 | No one is going to want piers
morgan's sloppy secs, well maybe
ed shults.
|
| 00:03:28 | Now that he jumped into
declaring before he was ready,
pawlenty is a much less
DESIRABLE CANDIDATE AND I DIDN'TkO
Think that was possible.
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| 00:03:39 | [Laughter]
save it.
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| 00:03:45 | [Laughter]
folk, I've always been a
champion of women in that they
are the only people I can beat
at sports.
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| 00:03:53 | [Laughter]
I've had the ladies on my show
to talk about tough women's
issues like ayaan hirsi ali to
discuss subjugation of women in
the islamic world and jane fonda
to subvert gender roles in
sexual harassment.
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| 00:04:11 | [Laughter]
I've never addressed the most
pressing women's issue of all:
How to make cash off of them.
|
| 00:04:20 | Wim oversee over 80% of consumer
spending and the world bank
predicts that by 2014 the global
income of women will grow by
more than $5 trillion although
that could just be what oprah
will be making.
|
| 00:04:34 | [Laughter]
folks, we all know america is a
consumer economy.
|
| 00:04:39 | If we don't pull out of this
economic tailspin then as is so
often the case, it is the
ladies' fault.
|
| 00:04:47 | [Laughter]
one company is finding new ways
to get the lady bucks flowing
and that brings us to tonight's
word.
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| 00:04:54 | [Cheers and applause]
buy and cellulite.
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| 00:04:59 | One of the secrets of sales is
fulfilling the public's needs.
|
| 00:05:03 | The other secret is inventing
the public need.
|
| 00:05:08 | And for that, women have been
madison avenue's experimental
lab rats.
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| 00:05:17 | >> Prune hands.
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| 00:05:20 | >> Hello, pregnancy can
sometimes leave ugly stretch
marks.
|
| 00:05:23 | >> Keep your tired feet young
looking is a chore.
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| 00:05:26 | >> No more back fat!
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| 00:05:29 | [Laughter]
>> Stephen: Now, I thought
after all that we had reached
the peak of making money off
female insecurity until I heard
of a breakthrough shamovation
FROM çñr UNILEVER.
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| 00:05:48 | >> It claims to make your armpit
more attractive.
|
| 00:05:53 | >> Go sleeveless deodorant five
days later.
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| 00:05:58 | Protected underarms in just five
days.
|
| 00:06:00 | >> Stephen: Oooh.
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| 00:06:02 | [Laughter]
look at that hot sexy pit.
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| 00:06:05 | [Laughter]
what I wouldn't give to change
light bulbs with her.
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| 00:06:10 | [Laughter]
show me a regular armpit.
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| 00:06:15 | [Laughter]
take it down.
|
| 00:06:18 | Take it down.
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| 00:06:19 | [Laughter]
oh, god!
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| 00:06:21 | You see, with unilever's help,
women have now learned that
their armpits are hideous.
|
| 00:06:28 | I hear the statue of liberty
originally was sleeveless.
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| 00:06:33 | They covered it up after boats
of immigrants kept turning
around.
|
| 00:06:38 | Unilever is on to something
brilliant here, folks.
|
| 00:06:41 | Why sell women a solution to a
need they already know they have
like those personal absorbent
cotton thingies.
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| 00:06:50 | I close my eyes in that aisle.
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| 00:06:52 | [Laughter]
if you take the time to invent a
new thing for women to feel
insecure about, then sell them
the solution, you've cornered
the market.
|
| 00:07:01 | And ladies,.
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| 00:07:02 | [Laughter]
, remember it is perfectly
normal to lay awake at night
worry being your armpits.
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| 00:07:09 | A recent studied discovered that
93% of women found their arm
pits unattractive.
|
| 00:07:16 | People behind that study,
unilever.
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| 00:07:19 | Wow, what are the odds?
|
| 00:07:21 | [Laughter]
now, until now -- until now,
folks, women had no way to
address this sickening
disfigurement.
|
| 00:07:32 | Sure there's ç plastic surgery but
that's costly and today's
working women are reluctant to
remove their arms.
|
| 00:07:40 | [Laughter]
luckily unilever's new dove go
sleeveless can help.
|
| 00:07:45 | Since they just made up the
problem let's say anything made
by unilever can help.
|
| 00:07:53 | Ben ander jerry's is a wholly
owned subsidiary of unilever.
|
| 00:07:58 | I'm going to take this pint of
ben and jerpy's stephen
colbert's americone dreams and
use it to curer have ronic's
unsightly underarm problem.
|
| 00:08:13 | Who would marry that armpit?
|
| 00:08:16 | Okay.
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| 00:08:21 | Newmmmmm, mmmmm.
|
| 00:08:25 | Get that in there.
|
| 00:08:26 | Yes, sir.
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| 00:08:27 | All right.
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| 00:08:28 | [Laughter]
arrested now -- and now, you're
attractive.
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| 00:08:35 | Veronica and her beautiful
armpit, everybody.
|
| 00:08:38 | Excellent.
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| 00:08:38 | [Cheers and applause]
mmmmm.
|
| 00:08:41 | That is good stuff.
|
| 00:08:43 | Where was i?
|
| 00:08:45 | God hates women.
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| 00:08:47 | [Laughter]
if he didn't hate them, why did
he give them so many problem
areas?
|
| 00:08:52 | Folks, underarms --
[laughter]
-- underarms are just the pit of
iceberg.
|
| 00:08:59 | What about that hideous spot
behind a woman's knee?
|
| 00:09:02 | A leg pit?
|
| 00:09:03 | Or the he had bow waddle or
this -- elbow waddle or this
nasty little nook right here.
|
| 00:09:10 | I call it the thumb crotch.
|
| 00:09:14 | Why hasn't victoria's secret
come out with a line of thumb
thongs then we could sell thumb
crotch wax.
|
| 00:09:25 | I know you are saying beauty is
about the inside, yes, that's
why we need to make women feel
bad about their internal organs,
too.
|
| 00:09:34 | Check out this chunky pancreas.
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| 00:09:37 | This girl has real pankles.
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| 00:09:41 | [Laughter]
american businesses take
financial security, it's
inventing women's insecurities.
|
| 00:09:49 | That's the word.
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| 00:09:51 | We'll be right back.
|
| 00:09:52 | [Cheers and applause]
[cheers and applause]
>> Stephen: Welcome back,
everybody.
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| 00:13:17 | Nation, thank you.
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| 00:13:20 | Folks --
[cheers and applause]
folks, you know, I'm always
looking out for you.
|
| 00:13:27 | I got your back and I consider
it my duty to ferret out all the
threats to our american way of
life.
|
| 00:13:35 | Starting with ferrets.
|
| 00:13:36 | If you ask me, they are nothing
but hipster weasels.
|
| 00:13:39 | La laugh tonight a new threat
from an unlikely place that you
are likely in right now.
|
| 00:13:45 | It seems every day a new
minority group is asking for
more privileges and special
rights.
|
| 00:13:52 | Well, guess what is playing the
victim card now?
|
| 00:13:57 | >> I think as we see so many
other groups throughout the
united states add throughout the
world clamoring for their
rights, it's time for us as a
people to speak together with
one voice and demand our rights
as well.
|
| 00:14:10 | We musn't be marginalized and
PUSHED TO THE çÑi SIDE.
|
| 00:14:16 | We're real people and we ride
our unicycles every day.
|
| 00:14:19 | >> Stephen: You heard him
right.
|
| 00:14:21 | >> I'm carl peterson and I'm a
unicyclist.
|
| 00:14:26 | >> Stephen: And this is the
enemy within.
|
| 00:14:29 | ♪♪ ♪♪
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| 00:14:34 | unicycling, what used to be a
shameful past time for circus
animals and secretaries of
defense.
|
| 00:14:41 | [Laughter]
it's come to the mainstream and
their numbers are growing.
|
| 00:14:45 | >> I would say that the unicycle
community is definitely growing.
|
| 00:14:48 | >> Stephen: They have chosen a
one wheeled lifestyle and they
are recruiting our children.
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| 00:14:55 | >> I like riding the unicycle
because it's fun.
|
| 00:15:00 | >> For those people who say it's
not normal and it's weird, they
are jealous and they don't
understand it.
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| 00:15:06 | The feeling of riding a unicycle
it's unlike anything else.
|
| 00:15:09 | It's the unity of man and
machine.
|
| 00:15:11 | >> Stephen: And we know how
that always ends.
|
| 00:15:15 | [Laughter]
>> as unicyclists grow, the
number of casualties from
unicycles will grow
exponentially.
|
| 00:15:26 | >> Stephen: Meet new york
traffic commissioner and
personalized mug owner sam
schwartz.
|
| 00:15:33 | >> It's the momentum of an 180
pound rider moving at 10 miles
per hour.
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| 00:15:39 | It's like getting hit by a
linebacker in the nfl.
|
| 00:15:43 | >> Stephen: These one-wheel
death traps are going to run
over your babies.
|
| 00:15:50 | >> One when you say one wheel
death trap and running over the
babies you are charging the
debate.
|
| 00:15:55 | >> Stephen: And the law can't
stop them.
|
| 00:15:57 | >> Unicycles are absent from the
new york city code.
|
| 00:16:00 | >> Stephen: That's right.
|
| 00:16:02 | Because while new york city does
prohibit bicycling on the
sidewalks it only defines
bicycle as having two or three
wheels leaving kyle's lifestyle
completely unregulated.
|
| 00:16:15 | >> I believe in new york city we
need to define unicycle and do
it soon.
|
| 00:16:21 | >> Stephen: Thankfullyymçó these
states have introduced
anti-unicycle legislation to
fight the one wheeled menace.
|
| 00:16:32 | >> I'm worried about a trend
restraoeubgting the --
restricting the rights of
unicyclists.
|
| 00:16:39 | What I hope to do is make people
realize we're here and we
deserve the same rights everyone
else has.
|
| 00:16:45 | >> Stephen: What is their idea
of shining a light?
|
| 00:16:47 | >> I filed a lawsuit against the
steut of new york.
|
| 00:16:49 | >> Stephen: With his lawsuit,
kyle hopes to permanently
enshrine the rights of
unicyclists.
|
| 00:16:58 | >> I think it's important we
unite to demand and assert our
rights.
|
| 00:17:02 | >> Stephen: And note the
prize, the unicycle agenda is
being championed by others who
have chosen deviant lifestyles.
|
| 00:17:10 | >> I've gotten quite a bit of
support from jugglers, mimes,
stilt walkers, burl lefk
dancers, clowns.
|
| 00:17:22 | They are behind me.
|
| 00:17:23 | >> If they win the right on
sidewalks in new york we could
have chaos, chaos, chaos.
|
| 00:17:30 | >> Stephen: Sam skhaeurd the
schwartz out of them.
|
| 00:17:35 | >> If you hit a pedestrian with
a unicycle you could have a
domino effect with another
pedestrian hitting another
pedestrian and before you know
it, we have mass casualties.
|
| 00:17:48 | >> Stephen: But unicyclists
don't care how many bodies are
left in their wake.
|
| 00:17:53 | >> I wouldn't want to live in an
america without unicycles.
|
| 00:17:57 | >> I will continue to ride my
unicycle regardless of whether
or not we have a legal right.
|
| 00:18:09 | The government has no business
telling ça5 us how many wheels we're
supposed to have.
|
| 00:18:13 | >> Stephen: That's unicyclists
are the enemy within.
|
| 00:18:17 | >> I would say they are the
enemy within but I'd le lying.
|
| 00:18:20 | >> Stephen: Well kyle --
>> unicyclists are the enemy
within.
|
| 00:18:28 | [Laughter]
>> Stephen: We'll be right
BACK.[ Man ] LADIES,
fiji
make your man smell like
a never-ending tropical sunset?
|
| 00:19:38 | Personalized love-song melody?
|
| 00:19:40 | Romantic puppy surprise?
|
| 00:19:43 | [ puppy whines ]
Yes.
|
| 00:19:45 | R[ Old Spice whistle ]
X
[cheers and applause]
>> Stephen: Welcome back,
everybody.
|
| 00:21:39 | My guest tonight has a new
documentary.
|
| 00:21:48 | Please welcome morgan spurlock.
|
| 00:21:51 | [Cheers and applause]
hey, morgan.
|
| 00:21:58 | Good to see you again.
|
| 00:21:59 | Welcome back.
|
| 00:22:00 | >> I brought you a beverage.
|
| 00:22:01 | >> Stephen: I love this stuff
pom wonderful.
|
| 00:22:06 | I understand in you drink this
you'll never die and --
>> it's 40% as effective as
viagra, they say.
|
| 00:22:15 | >> Stephen: It gets 40% hard.
|
| 00:22:19 | [Laughter]
>> that's right.
|
| 00:22:20 | >> Stephen: I might need a
bigger bottle.
|
| 00:22:23 | >> When you drink 2.5 it's 100%.
|
| 00:22:27 | >> Stephen: Welcome.
|
| 00:22:28 | Let's give the people your cv
here.
|
| 00:22:31 | They know about you.
|
| 00:22:31 | You are a writer, a director.
|
| 00:22:35 | Your new film is about product
placement is called "pom
wonderful presents the greatest
movie ever sold" and it's
entirely funded by product
placement.
|
| 00:22:46 | >> Correct.
|
| 00:22:47 | >> Stephen: We have a clip
right ç here.
|
| 00:22:50 | Scwimy jam?
|
| 00:22:56 | Jimmy jam?
|
| 00:22:57 | ♪♪ ♪♪
|
| 00:23:00 | >> the amenities that hyatt has
to offer.
|
| 00:23:08 | >> If you are in the film I'll
visit you and pitch you about
being in the fillel.
|
| 00:23:14 | >> Have you ever done product
placement?
|
| 00:23:16 | >> No.
|
| 00:23:17 | >> What do we get?
|
| 00:23:19 | >> Stephen: Okay.
|
| 00:23:21 | [Laughter]
so you went to each of these
people and you said, give me
some cash and I'll talk about
your product in the movie.
|
| 00:23:29 | >> While at the same time we rip
apart and pull the curtain back
on product placement and
advertising.
|
| 00:23:38 | >> Stephen: Why do you want to
pull the curtain back?
|
| 00:23:45 | That's -- if you noticed fruit
by the foot is advertising in my
action movie I might feel taken
advantage of.
|
| 00:23:55 | But if spiderman aoelts fruit by
the food before getting the
green goblin I'm going to eat
it.
|
| 00:24:03 | >> I'm seducing you into it with
these great products.
|
| 00:24:08 | [Laughter]
>> Stephen: It's like you are
coming on too strong usm to
subtle you can't be such a slut
about it.
|
| 00:24:17 | [Laughter]
speaking of slut what is on your
jacket here?
|
| 00:24:20 | What are all the products that
you are selling?
|
| 00:24:22 | >> These are the all the people
who made it possible.
|
| 00:24:26 | Hyatt, jet blue, mini cooper.
|
| 00:24:30 | >> Stephen: Don't leave one
out.
|
| 00:24:32 | >> Sheetz.
|
| 00:24:34 | >> Stephen: Who is your
favorite?
|
| 00:24:37 | They must be ç like your children.
|
| 00:24:39 | >> Pom wonderful is a great one.
|
| 00:24:45 | Mane and stale for people and
horses.
|
| 00:24:50 | >> Stephen: And funded the
movism you ran the gamut from
things people use to things
people do not use.
|
| 00:24:57 | [Laughter]
>> we approached 600 brands to
finance the movie.
|
| 00:25:01 | We didn't say no to anybody.
|
| 00:25:04 | We ended up with 20 great
partners.
|
| 00:25:06 | >> Stephen: Do you think it's
a good thing or a bad thing that
there's all this product
placement in movies?
|
| 00:25:11 | >> Yes.
|
| 00:25:12 | >> Stephen: Do you think
there's too much advertising
because I heard you say that
before?
|
| 00:25:15 | >> I think there's way too much
advertising and marketing making
its way to the creative process
of film making.
|
| 00:25:24 | >> Stephen: Sometimes it is
the process.
|
| 00:25:26 | >> I know.
|
| 00:25:27 | That's saying where do we draw
the line?
|
| 00:25:29 | It's also in the society now as
we let them in schools.
|
| 00:25:33 | We have districts in the film
and showing them opening their
world to advertising and
marketing to make up for budget
gaps.
|
| 00:25:41 | >> Stephen: If we don't allow
marketing and advertising in
schools how did teenage girls
learn they have combination
skins.
|
| 00:25:51 | >> I know.
|
| 00:25:51 | >> Stephen: You heard about
the arm.
|
| 00:25:54 | Pit -- armpits, right?
|
| 00:25:56 | >> I heard.
|
| 00:25:56 | >> Stephen: Terrible.
|
| 00:25:58 | What are we going to do.
|
| 00:25:59 | >> We feature them in the the
film as they drink the starbucks
on morning joe.
|
| 00:26:07 | >> Stephen: He was brewed by
starbucks.
|
| 00:26:10 | Before he was I couldn't swallow
him and now I can't get enough.
|
| 00:26:14 | >> Do we really want to live in
a world where everything is
brought to us by a sponsor.
|
| 00:26:18 | That's where things are headed.
|
| 00:26:20 | >> Stephen: Everything is
brought to you by a sponsor.
|
| 00:26:23 | This stuff doesn't pay for
itself.
|
| 00:26:25 | >> Let's have more advertising
to find more things to sell.
|
| 00:26:28 | Let's have every film brought to
you by a sponsor.
|
| 00:26:32 | >> Stephen: Let's have more
films and more schools.
|
| 00:26:36 | I want my kid to go to red bull
high.
|
| 00:26:40 | Let's do it.
|
| 00:26:42 | [Laughter]
[applause]
that would we nice.
|
| 00:26:44 | >> Stephen: You have to find
the ç +au product for the right
film.
|
| 00:26:48 | >> I agree.
|
| 00:26:50 | >> Stephen: Not every --
lunchables isn't going to
sponsor schlindler's list.
|
| 00:26:58 | The mix is rough right there.
|
| 00:26:59 | >> It has to make sense.
|
