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Aired at 03:30 AM on Saturday, Aug 07, 2010 (8/7/2010)      View all transcripts from this day

Transcript

00:00:01Lot.
00:00:02Every dj is a complete tool.
00:00:06[Laughter] >> samantha is hot.
00:00:09[Laughter] >> somebody had a good b.m.
00:00:17[Laughter] >> hey, it's your birthday.
00:00:19We'll party, because you're probably going to die real soon.
00:00:24[Laughter] >> I was at that, and I was tripping my faceoff.
00:00:29[Laughter] >> ♪♪♪♪
00:00:31>> ♪♪♪♪
00:00:33>> ♪♪♪♪
00:00:41>> ♪♪♪♪
00:00:41>> ♪♪♪♪
00:00:42>> ♪♪♪♪
00:00:42[laughter] ♪♪♪♪
00:00:44>> get there early, that club closes at 8 p.m., sharp.
00:00:49But, the guy/girl ratio is so nice.
00:00:55>> This next video is what happens when you cut a hole in the watermelon, and bang it.
00:01:02[Laughter] >> I can't wait, for gallagher to smash this one.
00:01:07>> Don't touch it.
00:01:09[Laughter] >> I'm taking it back to whole foods.
00:01:14[Laughter] >> one time I bought a pumpkin that had a family living in it.
00:01:21>> I wish there was something financeny to say about water melons, that wasn't racist.
00:01:27>> See what teenage boys do, when they're alone in their room.
00:01:32[Laughter] >> ♪♪♪♪
00:01:35>> ♪♪♪♪
00:01:36>> does anyone in this country know how to stop a spill?
00:01:41[Laughter] >> quick, use your abs.
00:01:45>> That sucks.
00:01:46>> I was looking forward to watching, that curl 28 pounds.
00:01:52>> Killing your fish is one way for it to smell like [bleep] in your room.
00:01:58[Laughter] >> luckily, all those valuables are on the wall.
00:02:05[Laughter] >> no place for a backpack.
00:02:08[Laughter] >> this next guy, has horrible table manners.
00:02:14[Laughter] >> ♪♪♪♪ oh, boy!
00:02:19>> Unbreakable!
00:02:20[Laughter] >> just like the bond between levy, and bristol.
00:02:25You know wrestling is fake, right?
00:02:29Oh, boy.
00:02:30>> Who told the blind guy we add trampoline.
00:02:35[Laughter] >> now, hang his horrible haircut next to the antlers.
00:02:41>> Here's someone who doesn't have one left foot.
00:02:44>> ♪♪♪♪
00:02:46[laughter] >> it's officially impossible to get out of lessons, with your girlfriend.
00:02:56[Laughter] >> using that crutch as a crutch.
00:03:00[Laughter] >> and one-and-one and one.
00:03:02And one-and-one.
00:03:04[Laughter] >> and one-and-one and one-and-one.
00:03:10[Laughter] >> I bet he's celebrating because he got the best parking spot.
00:03:16[Laughter] >> he's the worst at limbo.
00:03:21[Laughter] >> because you need -- oh, boy.
00:03:23>> What's next?
00:03:30>> ♪♪♪♪
00:03:32>> ♪♪♪♪
00:03:39>> a windowless van with a jet-ski in the back.
00:03:42That's not fair to the other molesters.
00:03:45>> No child will be able to resist.
00:03:48[Laughter] >> now, let's make fun of the man, who lives in a van, down by the river.
00:03:54[Laughter] >> in this week's break down.
00:03:56>> ♪♪♪♪
00:03:57[cheers] .
00:03:58>> ♪♪♪♪
00:03:59>> ♪♪♪♪
00:03:59[cheers] ♪♪♪♪
00:04:00>> nothing better than a day on the water, booze, babies, and, jumping wakes.
00:04:06And dry dock, and surprise, surprise the guy who was too cheap to buy a two seater, and cannot afford a trailer.
00:04:16On the upside, prepare the truck nuts.
00:04:21So, what, if the floor gets wet.
00:04:23Needed a good rinsing anyhow.
00:04:26Lines it up, perfectly.
00:04:29>> ♪♪♪♪
00:04:30>> is this the thomas crown affair?
00:04:34[Laughter] >> now, smash the gas, and get to hooter's because you know I'm not paying full price for those winnings.
00:04:45[Laughter] >> oh, boy.
00:04:47[Laughter] >> oh, man.
00:04:49How will you sell your speakers, now that your store is underwater?
00:04:54[Laughter] >> is this fan is sinking, somebody has been drinking.
00:04:59[Laughter] >> in some parts of the alabama, that's considered a yacht.
00:05:04>> Like a "white trash" " [laughter] >> would not be so funny if it was your van, lady.
00:05:14[Laughter] >> you did catch it on tape, and for that, we thank you.
00:05:20[Applause] >> we'll be right back with the worst weatherman.
00:05:24But here's the dick of the week.
00:05:26>> It's trash day.
00:05:45[Laughter] >> oh, boy.
00:05:48[Laughter] [applause] [laughter] >> uh, 32 degrees, and it's really that, um, the four-day forecast, we have a high chance of snow.
00:09:32And, uh -- [laughter] >> today's forecast, cloudy with a chance of social anxiety disorder.
00:09:45I haven't seen anyone that uncomfortable in front of a green screen since last week's tosh.0.
00:09:49His name is louis, and he's the awful weatherman.
00:09:53We don't need weathermen in california because there's just one kind of weather here.
00:09:56Nice.
00:09:59If I wanna experience snow, I'll fly first-class to aspen.
00:10:03Aw, you guys have to go coach.
00:10:05[Laughr] through denver.
00:10:07Then get on a bus.
00:10:10[Laughter] only has weather reporters as an excuse to put hot asian chicks with fake boobs on tv.
00:10:17Aw, check out those weather balloons.
00:10:20[Laughter] you're the best, elita.
00:10:24The only reason they have jobs is because we're too lazy to put down the remote and stick our giant heads out a window.
00:10:29Weather center?
00:10:31More like bull[bleep] factory.
00:10:32[Laughter] you mean it's gonna get colder when the sun goes down?
00:10:36[Laughter] the visibility is two miles?
00:10:39I'm not a hawk in search of food.
00:10:41I don't care.
00:10:44Weather is only exciting when it kills people.
00:10:46And notice how they always say there's a chance of rain?
00:10:48Uh, yeah, there's a chance "dinner for schmucks" will be good.
00:10:52[Laughter] let me describe every weatherman in the world.
00:10:56Loud jacket, spray tan, big hair, on the verge of suicide, name is something fake -- like dallas raines.
00:11:02The only other industry with names that idiotic is porn.
00:11:07And can we please stop calling weathermen meteorologists?
00:11:08Let's save the fancy science names for the guys who do science.
00:11:13No one's given al roker a nobel prize for saying, "here's what's happening in your neck of the " [laughter] but if louis wants to be the least respected member of a news team, I say why not?
00:11:21That's why I brought him to hollywood this week for a 90% chance of redemption.
00:11:25[Applause] louis.
00:11:29>> Hi, there.
00:11:30>> How are you?
00:11:30>> Great.
00:11:31>> Thanks for coming to the tosh.0 weather center.
00:11:35Just bought myself a doppler tosh.3,000,000.
00:11:36>> Doppler, wow.
00:11:38>> Well, if things go well, probably gonna let you use this.
00:11:40But right now, let's go head down to the control center.
00:11:42>> You bet.
00:11:43>> Where was that video from?
00:11:44>> It's a place called ohio university, which is located in athens.
00:11:47At the time I was studying broadcast journalism, and I was looking just to get some extra credit because weatherman was optional.
00:11:55>> You'd knocked every other position out of the park.
00:11:57>> Yep.
00:11:58>> Why not check weatherman off the bucket list?
00:12:04>> I didn't know which way to shift my body, and what happened was that since we were filming live I couldn't, well, run away or whatever, so I just had to stand up there and just do the best that I could.
00:12:12>> I would have run away.
00:12:14I don't think "awful weatherman" is a good title for you.
00:12:17I know what I would like my name to be.
00:12:19>> What?
00:12:19>> Weiner drizzle.
00:12:20[Chuckles] >> that would be a good name.
00:12:24This is weiner drizzle.
00:12:25>> And hurricane lou.
00:12:27>> Hurricane lou?
00:12:28>> Yeah, why not?
00:12:29>> I'm a fan.
00:12:31Were people laughing?
00:12:32>> Oh, heck no.
00:12:35I mean, behind the scenes there was, like, crew men going, like " " and it was like -- [whimpers] [laughing] >> were you surprised at how popular it became?
00:12:44>> The most surprising thing about it was that people have a conjecture, they have a thought that I'd staged this.
00:12:53That this was an idea of mine.
00:12:55And that I was just being a comedian putting on a skit.
00:12:58>> That's a pretty bold move.
00:13:00>> I can say right now that no, that was me acting perfectly natural, off the cuff.
00:13:03>> I'm glad you put that to rest.
00:13:07At the end did you just take your papers and stack them and go, "nailed it," and walked out?
00:13:10[Laughing] >> that would've probably blown everybody's minds.
00:13:14If you'd have just been like, "perfect," and just walked out of the studio.
00:13:17Breaking news!
00:13:18Hurricane moving in.
00:13:21I'm weiner drizzle.
00:13:23And I'm hurricane lou with the weather.
00:13:27[Laughter] >> I told you I'd get you a professional, louis.
00:13:30So I invited the host of "good ," and she does the forecast for the nfl.
00:13:33Please welcome jillian reynolds.
00:13:34>> Hi.
00:13:34Hey, louis.
00:13:36>> Good to see you.
00:13:36>> Good to meet you.
00:13:39So louis, I saw the tape, and -- >> what'd you think?
00:13:51>> You have a lot of potential.
00:13:51We just need to really loosen you up a lot.
00:13:52People can get their weather off the internet.
00:13:54You have to have a little something to give the people.
00:13:55Doesn't it help to be a hot woman or a black fat man?
00:13:56[Laughing] that was inappropriate.
00:13:57>> What was the -- tell her the name you came up with.
00:13:59>> I came up with hurricane lou.
00:13:59>> Okay, I like that.
00:14:00But you have to have the goods to back up.
00:14:01You're more like marine layer lou.
00:14:02>> Marine layer lou's not a bad name.
00:14:03I'll be honest with you, I kinda like it.
00:14:05>> Let's try to throw out some cities at you and see how you work the map, as we like to say.
00:14:08Okay?
00:14:09How about portland?
00:14:11>> Portland, okay, uh -- >> again, no back to the camera, louis!
00:14:13No back to the camera.
00:14:13>> No back to the camera.
00:14:14>> Nobody wants to see your butt cheeks.
00:14:16Albuquerque.
00:14:17>> Albuquerque.
00:14:18Uh, it's right over here.
00:14:20>> I think that looks natural.
00:14:21Where did harry meet sally?
00:14:22>> Harry met sally in seattle.
00:14:24>> No, that was sleepless.
00:14:26>> New york, okay.
00:14:26So wait.
00:14:27>> Again.
00:14:28There you go.
00:14:29>> I actually kinda like the fake-out.
00:14:30>> San francisco.
00:14:31>> San francisco is right over here.
00:14:32>> What's in san francisco?
00:14:34>> Homeless and queers.
00:14:35>> Homeless and homos.
00:14:36>> Detroit.
00:14:37>> Right here.
00:14:37>> Waco.
00:14:39>> Waco.
00:14:39>> Austin.
00:14:42Boise, belmont, newark.
00:14:43San diego, bangor.
00:14:45>> Where?
00:14:47>> Bangor!
00:14:50It's in maine.
00:14:51>> Okay, how would you do miami?
00:14:53>> Miami is right down here.
00:14:55>> Lou, you're doing wonderful.
00:14:56Thank you, jillian, for helping him.
00:14:57>> Of course.
00:14:58Thank you.
00:14:58And marine layer lou, it was wonderful.
00:15:00And I'll see you on probably a national show at some point.
00:15:01Good luck.
00:15:02>> I didn't get her phone number, did you?
00:15:04[Dramatic music] >> oh, that's rich.
00:15:08Go [bleep] yourself.
00:15:09[Bleep] you.
00:15:10I'll [bleep] do it live.
00:15:13Welcome back, our top story 0 action news team.
00:15:18With the first ever 100-day accu-forecast, the world wants to know.
00:15:24Marine layer lou, are you ready to give us another forecast?
00:15:26>> Yes, I am.
00:15:28I'm marine layer lou with today's forecast.
00:15:33Looks like mid-morning fog blanketing the area.
00:15:40In the afternoon, small chance of rain.
00:15:45It's really coming down in buckets.
00:15:49And, uh, look for possible scattered hail storms.
00:15:53[Heavy breathing] followed by gail force winds, late in the day.
00:16:13Good time to try out that new kite.
00:16:15I'm marine layer lou.
00:16:16Ain't mother nature a bitch?
00:16:18Back to you, daniel.
00:16:23>> Thanks, marine layer lou.
00:16:26After the break, details on a brutal triple rape homicide.
00:16:30And from bad to worse, the dodgers drop another one.
00:16:31We'll be right back.
00:16:32[Applause] aw.
00:16:35Nice forecast.
00:16:36We'll be right back.
00:16:38But first, why did you turn?
00:16:39Why did you [bleep] turn?
00:16:43>> Go up, go up, go up.
00:16:45[Bleep] >> I didn't turn.
00:18:58♪♪♪♪
00:19:16♪♪♪♪
00:19:38♪♪♪♪
00:19:40>> what's up with gay guys and lions?
00:19:43[Laughter] that's the famous "christian, the lion" video.
00:19:47Heartwarming, I know.
00:19:48I, too, formed a bond with a lion long ago.
00:19:54♪♪♪♪
00:20:03[laughter] ♪♪♪♪
00:20:24♪♪♪♪
00:20:43♪♪♪♪
00:20:45[laughter] you saw that that was coming for my throat, right?
00:20:54That was not my lion.
00:20:56That was not my lion.
00:21:00[Laughter] >> I ended up killing six more lions before they made me leave africa.
00:21:07[Laughter] and if you're watching this, james van der beek, I'm still looking for you.
00:21:13Go to our blog and upload your video for a chance to be our viewer video.
00:21:16This week's winner comes to us all the way from invisible engine.
00:21:20>> Doors open this friday, so come on down to the barbecuer.
00:21:24Aw, [bleep]!
00:21:27[Laughter] >> aw, [bleep]!
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00:25:13[Applause] >> hey, guys.
00:25:17On next week's show, the peter pan girls get a web redemption.
00:25:24Ruf-i-o!
00:25:26Ruf-i-oooooh!
00:25:30Don't mess with rufio, he is badass.
00:25:33[Laughter] keep up with our daily blog at comedycentral.com/tosh.0.
00:25:37Make sure you follow me on twitter.
00:25:42And know that every week, I'm gonna follow the person that sends us the best tweet during our live chat.
00:25:45Ball's in your court, fans i hate.
00:25:49[Laughter] fans I like, make sure you come see me on the tosh tour 2010.
00:25:54Before we go, it's time for spoiler alert.
00:25:58Human centipede, first sequence.
00:26:00Now I don't know if you've heard anything about this movie, but if you're planning on seeing it you might wanna change the channel right now.
00:26:07I found out about this movie and immediately called about 20 of my friends to come over to my house for a viewing.
00:26:13I ordered popeye's chicken, and then I got the sides from a grocery store.
00:26:16Which kind of makes it feel a little nicer, you know?
00:26:20Now the first scene of this movie, it's not subtitled, but it's set in germany.
00:26:24Germany's like wisconsin, only, like, like, with a really bad past.
00:26:29Okay, so there's these two average-looking girls, and they're in their hotel room.
00:26:32They're americans, and they're just traveling to europe.
00:26:35By the way, girls, if you ever go to europe, and you meet up with some guy, he's going to [bleep] kill you.
00:26:41[Laughter] and you're like, "oh, oh, like I'm not gonna get raped or " yeah, you probably will here, but at least you'll understand what your attacker is saying.
00:26:51And then, bo-boom!
00:26:52Flat tire.
00:26:53And they stop immediately.
00:26:54Bull[bleep] right there.
00:26:57A [bleep] woman will drive two years on a flat.
00:27:00[Laughter] they get to the house, they knock on the door, and this crazy-looking, like, german.
00:27:04[Groans] by the way, he's got a beautiful house -- very contemporary.
00:27:08He goes and gets them two glasses of water and he immediately, like, oh, oh, drug, drug.
00:27:13" " and he just looks at her and goes, "side effect.
00:27:19" [laughter] he comes back, opens his door, he's got a young asian boy.
00:27:26He's got all three of them strapped down there, and he's explaining the positions, a, b, and c.
00:27:30And listen, everyone in here's " [laughter] the next shot, like, you see this blanket over what is [bleep] three people ass to mouth.
00:27:42But you're just, like, so excited.
00:27:43Like, take the blanket off.
00:27:44They start crawling, and all of a sudden, it happens.
00:27:46And then he turns like this and " [laughter] when the doctor goes back downstairs, human centipede's gone.
00:27:54He's like, "i know I left it " [laughter] first of all, what I would have done in our one is just [bleep] yanked away.
00:28:01I'm out of here.
00:28:04The asian is like, listen, I've had enough of this.
00:28:05Right in front of the doctor just goes rah!
00:28:07Do you really wanna make it at this point?
00:28:08Right.
00:28:11So the girl in the back is like, uh, I've had enough.
00:28:13She dies.
00:28:15So now it's just two dead cops, dead doctor, dead a, dead c.
00:28:19And the camera just pans out and, like, up into the sky.
00:28:24And that's the end of the movie.
00:28:24Now I'm sure we had to cut some of that out.
00:28:29So to see the complete spoiler alert, head on over to our blog.
00:28:31See you next week.
00:28:31Good night.
00:28:34[Cheers & applause] ..] >> Announcer: The following is a paid program for brainetics.

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