| 00:00:00 | Surrogates.
|
| 00:00:02 | [Laughter]
oh, my goodness.
|
| 00:00:04 | That movie was so --
[laughter]
that's the end of that bit.
|
| 00:00:12 | [Laughter]
>> oh, yeah!
|
| 00:00:18 | [Laughter]
>> is it because she's a woman?
|
| 00:00:22 | Is it because she's white?
|
| 00:00:23 | Yes to both.
|
| 00:00:25 | [Laughter]
by the way, in the women's high
jump that's still good enough
for bronze.
|
| 00:00:29 | [Laughter]
she needs to buy those mbt ugly
strengthening shoes.
|
| 00:00:35 | For $400, you can look like you
have a club foot.
|
| 00:00:38 | [Laughter]
I love lobster as much as the
next kid, unless that next kid
is this next kid.
|
| 00:00:46 | >> Wow!
|
| 00:00:47 | >> What's in there?
|
| 00:00:48 | >> A lot!
|
| 00:00:48 | >> A lot of what?
|
| 00:00:50 | >> Can I touch it?
|
| 00:00:51 | >> What's this?
|
| 00:00:52 | >> Whoa!
|
| 00:00:53 | Wow!
|
| 00:00:54 | Whoa!
|
| 00:00:56 | Oh!
|
| 00:00:56 | Ooh!
|
| 00:00:57 | What?
|
| 00:00:58 | >> Whoa!
|
| 00:01:00 | every time
you say "whoa," joey lawrence
gets 17 cents.
|
| 00:01:02 | [Laughter]
they're putting it right in the
lobster drawer.
|
| 00:01:07 | That's where poor people keep
their lettuce.
|
| 00:01:10 | [Laughter]
>> whoa.
|
| 00:01:11 | Oh, can I touch him?
|
| 00:01:12 | >> Okay.
|
| 00:01:13 | >> No.
|
| 00:01:14 | >> I can't wait to see his
reaction video to the first time
he sees boobs.
|
| 00:01:17 | [Laughter]
"can I touch 'em?
|
| 00:01:19 | Whoa.
|
| 00:01:19 | No?
|
| 00:01:20 | Oh.
|
| 00:01:21 | Whoa.
|
| 00:01:22 | Can I touch 'em?
|
| 00:01:22 | No?
|
| 00:01:24 | "
speaking of seafood.
|
| 00:01:31 | >> Oh, my god.
|
| 00:01:32 | [Laughter]
>> he's sucking his [bleep].
|
| 00:01:36 | And that's how pearls are made.
|
| 00:01:40 | [Laughter]
I'm no marine biologist, but i
think that one' s lonely.
|
| 00:01:45 | Seriously, can all walruses do
that or is that like the black
guy walrus?
|
| 00:01:49 | [Laughter]
alright, there's one thing the
truth campaign cannot deny, and
that is smoking really does look
cool.
|
| 00:02:03 | >> Right now I'm going to smoke
smarties.
|
| 00:02:10 | You can do them like this.
|
| 00:02:11 | [Laughter]
I didn't know smarties came in
menthol.
|
| 00:02:15 | [Laughter]
alright!
|
| 00:02:22 | I just worry about his little
sister who has to breathe all
that second-hand smarties smoke.
|
| 00:02:25 | [Laughter]
it's not fair.
|
| 00:02:28 | Smarties are a gateway drug.
|
| 00:02:29 | Before you know it, you're
blowing your entire allowance to
mainline starbursts.
|
| 00:02:33 | I should know.
|
| 00:02:34 | I've been there.
|
| 00:02:52 | >> The use is loose!
|
| 00:02:53 | [Laughter]
[bleep]
>> I only have yellow left.
|
| 00:03:08 | [Laughter]
>> now that's a sugar high.
|
| 00:03:10 | Comedy central wants me to
remind you that you should not
mainline starbursts.
|
| 00:03:14 | [Laughter]
time for a booze cruise.
|
| 00:03:25 | Gilligan!
|
| 00:03:27 | Alright.
|
| 00:03:28 | Let's put 20 seconds on the
clock and see how many funny
comments we can make.
|
| 00:03:32 | I hope andy samberg was on that
boat.
|
| 00:03:34 | [Laughter]
that happens a lot because the
oceans are so narrow.
|
| 00:03:37 | [Laughter]
hey, while we exchange insurance
information, ah, show me your
tits?
|
| 00:03:42 | [Laughter]
you sunk my luxury cruise ship.
|
| 00:03:48 | In this case, it really is the
size of the boat that matters.
|
| 00:03:52 | [Laughter]
that's what you get for driving
with your dong, tommy lee.
|
| 00:04:01 | [Oohing]
memories.
|
| 00:04:03 | It's not that big.
|
| 00:04:05 | [Laughter]
compared to a walrus.
|
| 00:04:08 | [Laughter]
I'd like to point out, as sharp
as our viewers are, not one of
you has ever pointed out the
fact that our 20 seconds on the
clock, is nowhere near 20
seconds.
|
| 00:04:18 | It ends when I'm out of jokes.
|
| 00:04:19 | [Laughter]
alright.
|
| 00:04:22 | Moving on.
|
| 00:04:24 | What's a ride on the subway
without the threat of violence
towards women?
|
| 00:04:26 | That doesn't just happen to
jodie foster.
|
| 00:04:27 | [Laughter]
that guy is looking like a fool
with his pants on the ground.
|
| 00:04:47 | [Laughter]
[applause]
now let's get back into that
video, one leg at a time, in
this week's breakdown.
|
| 00:04:54 | [Cheers & applause]
alright, clean subway.
|
| 00:05:00 | Must be europe.
|
| 00:05:02 | Today is the day that our friend
liam has worked up enough
courage to talk to a woman.
|
| 00:05:07 | He knows first impressions are
important, so he goes with a big
knee to the empty seat next to
her.
|
| 00:05:12 | Is there any woman who doesn't
love a good scare on a late
night train ride?
|
| 00:05:16 | [Laughter]
but wait, what's that?
|
| 00:05:20 | Out of nowhere, captain kraut,
germany's favorite hobo
superhero springs into action.
|
| 00:05:27 | [Laughter]
next stop embarrassment.
|
| 00:05:31 | That's why you always wear a
belt.
|
| 00:05:34 | I mean, how many asses do you
have to kick before you get so
bored with it you decide I'm
just going to pull his pants
down, see what he does.
|
| 00:05:40 | [Laughter]
here's the moment of truth.
|
| 00:05:43 | Right now he's turning around
and thinking, "please be a
woman, please be a woman.
|
| 00:05:46 | [Laughter]
[bleep] it's a dude, a huge,
"
[laughter]
liam's no dummy.
|
| 00:05:55 | It's hard to look tough pulling
up your pants.
|
| 00:05:57 | [Laughter]
it's like trying to look badass
while winking.
|
| 00:06:03 | [Laughter]
almost impossible.
|
| 00:06:06 | You know that chick would bang
captain kraut right here and
now, but like any true hero he
doesn't care.
|
| 00:06:11 | He just picks up the paper and
resumes his job search.
|
| 00:06:14 | The real hero here is the camera
man who refused to lift a finger
to help that poor woman so that
he could document this for all
to see, and for that we thank
you.
|
| 00:06:25 | [Applause]
we'll be right back with the
average homeboy's web
redemption, but first, it's
"
it seems that everyone who
writes to this show has a crazy
screen name.
|
| 00:06:37 | One of our favorites is someone
who calls herself sallytwo
[bleep].
|
| 00:06:39 | [Laughter]
so we invited her to explain why
she calls herself sally two
[bleep].
|
| 00:06:46 | >> It's because I have two
[bleep].
|
| 00:06:47 | [Laughter and applause]
>> I'm just a middle-class guy
trying to express myself.
|
| 00:10:19 | [Rap music]
♪♪ I'm not the typical rapper ♪♪
|
| 00:10:27 | ♪♪ that don't mean I don't live
in a box ♪♪
|
| 00:10:32 | ♪♪ nor was I raised on the
street ♪♪
|
| 00:10:33 | ♪♪ but as you can see ♪♪
|
| 00:10:34 | ♪♪ I'm not black ♪♪
|
| 00:10:37 | ♪♪ I don't do drugs and I'm not
on crack ♪♪
|
| 00:10:42 | ♪♪ what's the problem with a
rapper who's white ♪♪
|
| 00:10:46 | ♪♪ we're all just fighting for
our equal rights ♪♪
|
| 00:10:48 | ♪♪ average homeboy ♪♪
|
| 00:10:49 | [laughter]
>> something tells me he might
have more than 99 problems.
|
| 00:10:58 | [Laughter]
>> arm me with harmony.
|
| 00:11:02 | denny
blazin' hazen,
the average homeboy,
the
probably-still-lives-at-homeboy.
|
| 00:11:10 | [Laughter]
that video came out over 20
years ago, but the rap game is
very different monster now.
|
| 00:11:19 | Hip-hop, as we all know, started
"when a couple of guys who were
up to no good started making
"
[laughter]
it used to be dangerous and
exciting.
|
| 00:11:26 | Remember biggie vs. pac.
|
| 00:11:27 | Now it's kanye vs. taylor.
|
| 00:11:30 | Murder was the case that they
gave snoop, now he's making
queso dip on the "rachel ray
"
things done changed.
|
| 00:11:36 | And I blame president obama.
|
| 00:11:38 | [Laughter]
I still love hip-hop, though.
|
| 00:11:41 | You never hear josh groban song
start with:
♪♪ Have a baby by me, baby, be a
millionaire ♪♪
|
| 00:11:47 | I'll say that again:
♪♪ Have a baby by me, baby, be a
millionaire ♪♪
|
| 00:11:50 | that's just fun.
|
| 00:11:51 | Rap is real talk.
|
| 00:11:52 | Picture me rollin, death to my
enemies, o.p.p.
|
| 00:11:55 | Nothing realer than that.
|
| 00:11:56 | And for the record, ladies, "the
last p?
|
| 00:11:58 | Well, that's not that simple.
|
| 00:12:00 | It's the loveliest, longest,
"
rockin' the mic right is not an
easy job.
|
| 00:12:04 | You have to [bleep] the po'lice,
always keep hustlin' hustlin',
and to go quadruple quadropple,
you gotta come up with funky
[bleep] like every single day.
|
| 00:12:14 | [Laughter]
plus, nobody ever retires.
|
| 00:12:16 | You just get shot and die.
|
| 00:12:18 | Or become a detective on a cop
show my parents watch.
|
| 00:12:21 | [Laughter]
no one wants to hear a middle
class honky rap about eating at
the olive garden, but denny is
not the worst rapper of all
time.
|
| 00:12:30 | Ja rule still holds that belt.
|
| 00:12:33 | ♪♪ It's murdur ♪♪
|
| 00:12:34 | [laughter]
>> you sound constipated.
|
| 00:12:38 | So there's still hope, and
that's why I brought denny out
to the 310 for some
california-love in this week's
web redemp-emp-emp.
|
| 00:12:45 | Remix!
|
| 00:12:47 | And that's why the average
homeboy is coming back, back, to
cali, cali in this week's web
redemption.
|
| 00:12:52 | [Cheers and applause]
>> denny?
|
| 00:12:58 | >> What's up, homeboy?
|
| 00:12:58 | >> What's up, dude?
|
| 00:13:00 | Shaking it, man.
|
| 00:13:00 | Ungh!
|
| 00:13:01 | >> Good seeing you.
|
| 00:13:02 | >> Good seeing you, dude.
|
| 00:13:04 | >> Shining my car brings me lots
of joy.
|
| 00:13:05 | >> Oh, yeah?
|
| 00:13:06 | >> 'Cause I'm an average
homeboy.
|
| 00:13:08 | >> How'd you come up with the
"
>> at the time, everybody was,
"cold, ice, gangster," all
..
|
| 00:13:13 | >> Sure.
|
| 00:13:14 | >> And I wanted to tell my point
of view from a white guy saying,
"hey, you know, I have to wash
my car and I cut the grass," and
just tell a rap about who I was.
|
| 00:13:23 | I just found out last week that
I'm in the white rappers
encyclopedia.
|
| 00:13:26 | >> Are the encyclopedias broken
up by race?
|
| 00:13:28 | Because I have issue with that.
|
| 00:13:29 | >> Why aren't there more white
rappers on bet?
|
| 00:13:31 | >> Because it's black
entertainment.
|
| 00:13:33 | >> Should we start wet?
|
| 00:13:35 | >> I think it would be called
nbc, cbs, and fox.
|
| 00:13:39 | Was there a choreographer for
your dance moves?
|
| 00:13:41 | >> I have to admit I came up
with those all on my own.
|
| 00:13:44 | The basic step was the pelvic
thrust.
|
| 00:13:46 | >> May I see the pelvic thrust?
|
| 00:13:47 | >> Well, how about you do it
with me?
|
| 00:13:50 | >> I'd love to.
|
| 00:13:51 | >> Push your hands down and your
pelvic out.
|
| 00:13:52 | Ready?
|
| 00:13:52 | >> Okay.
|
| 00:13:52 | >> One, two, three.
|
| 00:13:53 | Huh!
|
| 00:13:54 | Huh!
|
| 00:13:55 | Huh!
|
| 00:13:56 | [Breathing heavily]
>> why do you feel the white man
has been held back in the rap
game?
|
| 00:14:05 | >> I think it is a reverse
discrimination to say, "hey, you
"
hey, it's okay to make a movie
"white men can't jump," but if
you made a movie called black
men can't swim, then there's a
big hoopty-do.
|
| 00:14:15 | But my thing is that--
>> that seems like a good movie.
|
| 00:14:17 | I'll be honest with you.
|
| 00:14:18 | >> It's a good movie.
|
| 00:14:20 | >> If you pitched that in this
town, black men can't swim.
|
| 00:14:22 | Whew!
|
| 00:14:24 | >> But you would also be say
"you're a racist," and all that.
|
| 00:14:26 | >> You got to put one of the
wayan's brothers in it.
|
| 00:14:28 | Your raps tend to be on the
cleaner side.
|
| 00:14:31 | >> I like to stand out from the
crowd.
|
| 00:14:32 | My rap is about having good,
clean fun.
|
| 00:14:34 | >> Okay.
|
| 00:14:36 | Well, I want to get you in the
studio and I brought in a legend
to help you take your flow to
the next level.
|
| 00:14:41 | Mr. bizzy bone.
|
| 00:14:43 | >> How you doing, sir?
|
| 00:14:45 | >> Denny, later tonight, is
gonna go for his first battle
rap.
|
| 00:14:48 | Any advice for him?
|
| 00:14:49 | >> Be clear.
|
| 00:14:51 | You need your metaphors
definitely at top notch, because
you want the people.
|
| 00:14:56 | The people judge battle raps,
not the rappers.
|
| 00:14:57 | The people around.
|
| 00:14:59 | >> I'm gonna just throw out a
word and you just give me a
couple words immediately that
rhyme with it.
|
| 00:15:02 | > All right.
|
| 00:15:11 | Grunt.
|
| 00:15:12 | >> Hunt.
|
| 00:15:12 | Bunt.
|
| 00:15:13 | [Laughter]
>> that's a setup there.
|
| 00:15:15 | That's a setup.
|
| 00:15:15 | Brother trucker?
|
| 00:15:16 | Nice.
|
| 00:15:18 | [Chuckles]
>> orange.
|
| 00:15:22 | >> This is nice.
|
| 00:15:22 | Nice.
|
| 00:15:22 | Putting me on the spot.
|
| 00:15:23 | >> All right.
|
| 00:15:24 | ..
|
| 00:15:25 | [Scoffs]
trigger?
|
| 00:15:27 | [Laughter]
>> trigger?
|
| 00:15:32 | >> What's wrong with you, bizzy?
|
| 00:15:35 | >> All right, it's time to
battle.
|
| 00:15:36 | >> All right.
|
| 00:15:37 | >> You're gonna be going up
against one of the hottest new
--
all right, he's not even a
rapper.
|
| 00:15:40 | He's just a black person.
|
| 00:15:40 | But we think all you have to do
is beat any black person and
they will consider you, as a
white rapper, above average.
|
| 00:15:47 | >> Okay.
|
| 00:15:47 | >> Good luck.
|
| 00:15:49 | >> And once they hear this,
they're just gon' be blazed.
|
| 00:15:52 | >> Save that for the stage.
|
| 00:15:54 | Yo, yo!
|
| 00:15:55 | How you mother [bleep] doing
tonight?
|
| 00:15:58 | It's time for the battle.
|
| 00:16:00 | We got the average homeboy,
who's trying to become the
above-average homeboy.
|
| 00:16:05 | And over here we have a black
guy that we found in the
audience tonight.
|
| 00:16:10 | Mr. jasper red.
|
| 00:16:14 | When I hand you the mic, you
settle your differences.
|
| 00:16:16 | Up first, let's give it to
jasper red!
|
| 00:16:23 | [Rap music plays]
[cheers and applause]
♪♪ yo this racist mother [bleep]
think I live in a box ♪♪
|
| 00:16:29 | ♪♪ well I think he's a [bleep] ♪♪
|
| 00:16:32 | ♪♪ who can suck my black
[bleep] ♪♪
|
| 00:16:34 | ♪♪ cracker-ass cracker think
[bleep] smoke crack ♪♪
|
| 00:16:35 | ♪♪ well I hit your moms like a
pipe ♪♪
|
| 00:16:37 | ♪♪ and pass that bitch back ♪♪
|
| 00:16:38 | [cheers and applause]
>> oh, my goodness!
|
| 00:16:42 | Whoo!
|
| 00:16:43 | Wow!
|
| 00:16:44 | We got lucky with that
selection.
|
| 00:16:49 | denny
blaze, the average homeboy.
|
| 00:16:54 | The world wants to know, are you
ready to give it another shot?
|
| 00:16:56 | >> I'm ready to blaze 'em.
|
| 00:16:58 | [Laughter]
[rap music]
♪♪ my name's denny blaze ♪♪
|
| 00:17:04 | ♪♪ I'm unfazed by your gaze ♪♪
|
| 00:17:06 | ♪♪ I get praise on my days ♪♪
|
| 00:17:07 | ♪♪ I like my doughnuts glazed ♪♪
|
| 00:17:08 | ♪♪ instead of spitting fire ♪♪
|
| 00:17:11 | ♪♪ I choose to rhyme this
phrase ♪♪
|
| 00:17:13 | ♪♪ I'm above-average homeboy ♪♪
|
| 00:17:14 | ♪♪ you can call me denny blaze ♪♪
|
| 00:17:15 | [laughter]
>> oh!
|
| 00:17:21 | [Cheers and applause]
I think it's clear tonight there
is a new king of this castle and
you can call him "the
above-average homeboy"!
|
| 00:17:30 | [Crowd booing]
>> woo-hoo-hoo!
|
| 00:17:34 | Yeah!
|
| 00:17:36 | >> You just got blazed.
|
| 00:17:37 | >> Aww.
|
| 00:17:38 | [Applause]
>> look for me this summer in
black men can't swim.
|
| 00:17:43 | [Laughter]
we'll be right back, but first
here's your m.
|
| 00:17:47 | Night shyamalan twist ending of
the week.
|
| 00:17:56 | ♪♪♪♪
|
| 00:17:59 | [laughter]
[cheers & applause]
♪♪♪♪
|
| 00:20:14 | >> four chairs!
|
| 00:20:16 | Four chairs!
|
| 00:20:21 | That's what I get for opening up
my big fat trap.
|
| 00:20:23 | See, a few weeks ago I said i
would beat you at anything you
challenged me to.
|
| 00:20:26 | But four chairs!
|
| 00:20:30 | [Laughter]
I looked it up, and yes, that is
the current world record.
|
| 00:20:34 | [Laughter]
can I beat it?
|
| 00:20:36 | Let's find out in our most
popular segment.
|
| 00:20:40 | "I'm better than you, nana boo
boo, stick your head in doo
"
[laughter]
[applause]
>> I'm better than you.
|
| 00:21:02 | Why was I wearing a powdered
wig?
|
| 00:21:05 | To distract you from the fact
that my t-shirt was tucked into
my underwear.
|
| 00:21:07 | [Laughter]
duh.
|
| 00:21:11 | The next challenge looked a bit
tougher.
|
| 00:21:14 | [Laughter]
>> one, two, three.
|
| 00:21:21 | >> 15, 16, 17, 18.
|
| 00:21:26 | 33, 34, 35.
|
| 00:21:32 | Oh!
|
| 00:21:33 | >> I don't know who was
counting, but you skipped a few
numbers.
|
| 00:21:34 | You know I'm from the streets.
|
| 00:21:35 | Jump roping?
|
| 00:21:36 | Okay, let's dance.
|
| 00:21:40 | [Laughter]
so once again, I must say, with
all due respect to all of you,
I'm better than you, nana boo
boo, stick your head in doo doo.
|
| 00:21:53 | [Laughter]
alright.
|
| 00:21:56 | Mel gibson has been out
promoting his new movie, and the
interviews have been getting a
little heated, to say the least.
|
| 00:22:00 | That's why I decided to talk to
him without any agenda
whatsoever.
|
| 00:22:03 | mel
gibson.
|
| 00:22:04 | Thanks for being here, mel.
|
| 00:22:07 | You've been in a lot of hot
water the last few years.
|
| 00:22:15 | Care to comment?
|
| 00:22:17 | >> What are you referring to
specifically.
|
| 00:22:21 | >> When you said, the jews are
responsible for the wars.
|
| 00:22:24 | >> You have a dog in this fight?
|
| 00:22:26 | >> I don't know what that means.
|
| 00:22:28 | I'm not jewish and that's
completely irrelevant.
|
| 00:22:33 | What happened to your australian
accent?
|
| 00:22:36 | >> [Bleep].
|
| 00:22:37 | >> No need to be hostile.
|
| 00:22:38 | I'm a big fan of your movies,
except "bird on a wire" and "man
without a face" and "lethal
"
now, getting back to the
interview.
|
| 00:22:54 | What does your partner think of
your behavior?
|
| 00:00:01 | [Laughter]
>> people on-line say I look
like him.
|
| 00:00:06 | I don't see it and I certainly
wouldn't disrespect florida.
|
| 00:00:09 | Ooh, that's because I'm not a
loser.
|
| 00:00:11 | [Laughter]
>> it's good to be back on the
air.
|
| 00:00:14 | We had a nice mandatory
vacation.
|
| 00:00:17 | You might have noticed that I've
upgraded to cardigans.
|
| 00:00:19 | That's right, no more hoodies.
|
| 00:00:21 | [Laughter]
I'm wearing nothing but tight
fitting cardigans like I'm mr.
|
| 00:00:25 | [Bleep] rogers.
|
| 00:00:27 | [Laughter]
get used to it!
|
| 00:00:29 | On today's show --
we give the tron guy a much
needed web redemption.
|
| 00:00:32 | [Laughter]
>> I learn not everyone loves a
macho man randy savage
impression.
|
| 00:00:38 | >> We talk to youtube sensation,
fred.
|
| 00:00:41 | >> And if there is time, we'll
take bets on the next celebrity
suicide.
|
| 00:00:43 | [Laughter]
>> do you hear that?
|
| 00:00:48 | I'd know that sound anywhere.
|
| 00:00:52 | It's oprah peeing.
|
| 00:00:53 | [Laughter]
yeah, I'm told someone looped
this video, but I believe that
she really had to go super bad.
|
| 00:00:59 | [Laughter]
and you don't want to hold it.
|
| 00:01:02 | That can lead to a uti.
|
| 00:01:03 | Fact!
|
| 00:01:06 | Urinary tract infections are no
joke.
|
| 00:01:08 | [Laughter]
my recommendation, a lot of
cranberry juice.
|
| 00:01:11 | Alright.
|
| 00:01:12 | Let's sexy up the show.
|
| 00:01:19 | ♪♪♪♪
|
| 00:01:24 | >> I guess dancing at spring
break was on her bucket list.
|
| 00:01:27 | [Laughter]
let's put 20 seconds on the
clock and see how many funny
comments we can post.
|
| 00:01:38 | Finally a white chick black guys
don't want.
|
| 00:01:39 | [Laughter]
my beer goggles need beer
goggles.
|
| 00:01:43 | [Laughter]
she can make her c-section clap.
|
| 00:01:47 | [Laughter]
whatever, the older the berry
the sweeter the juice prune
juice.
|
| 00:01:55 | The upside to banging her is she
probably can't get pregnant
anymore.
|
| 00:01:57 | [Laughter]
spring break.
|
| 00:01:59 | Seniors rule!
|
| 00:02:03 | Pay close attention to this next
video cause it's one of my
personal favorites.
|
| 00:02:15 | [Cheering]
>> yeah!
|
| 00:02:25 | [Cheering].
|
| 00:02:28 | >> Baby blue, I see you two
weeks, baby blue!
|
| 00:02:31 | >> You guys are smiling.
|
| 00:02:34 | You have to be dancing.
|
| 00:02:37 | >> You have to be --
>> ah!
|
| 00:02:38 | I miss being 37.
|
| 00:02:39 | [Laughter]
I bet the entire carpool lane
smells like axe body spray.
|
| 00:02:44 | [Laughter]
>> you want to know why do i
love this video so much?
|
| 00:02:48 | Because it reminds me of when me
and my friends head to the
jersey shore.
|
| 00:02:50 | [Laughter]
>> now we're talking video!
|
| 00:03:04 | >> Ow.
|
| 00:03:04 | >> I'm ready!
|
| 00:03:09 | >> Whoo-hoo.
|
| 00:03:10 | >> Are you ready!
|
| 00:03:11 | [Laughter]
>> that's why I got my had on!
|
| 00:03:19 | [Laughter]
>> baby blue, I see you in two
weeks, baby blue.
|
| 00:03:24 | >> You got to be smiling, got to
be dancing.
|
| 00:03:29 | >> You better step it up --
[bleep].
|
| 00:03:35 | >> Can't wait to watch this on
[bleep].
|
| 00:03:40 | Youtube.
|
| 00:03:40 | >> And yes.
|
| 00:03:41 | We all got laid that weekend.
|
| 00:03:41 | [Laughter]
>> she's still going.
|
| 00:03:45 | It's really soothing.
|
| 00:03:47 | No wonder stedman and gail sleep
so soundly.
|
| 00:03:49 | [Laughter]
alright.
|
| 00:03:51 | Knock it off.
|
| 00:03:55 | Normally I hate cute videos but
this is one smooth ass kid.
|
| 00:04:01 | [Laughter]
[applause]
>> I'll will give you $100 if
you can teach my asian
girlfriend to do that.
|
| 00:04:08 | [Laughter]
it's impressive, but he can't
color for --
we did a little research.
|
| 00:04:17 | It turns out the reason he was
in such a hurry is because he
had a dead hooker in the trunk,
[laughter]
a tiny dead hooker in the trunk.
|
| 00:04:26 | [Laughter]
>> in the trunk.
|
| 00:04:33 | All right.
|
| 00:04:38 | >> I can't.
|
| 00:04:42 | I can't.
|
| 00:04:43 | >> Oh!
|
| 00:04:43 | I'd break my own leg before i
let gilbert grapes mom ride me.
|
| 00:04:45 | [Laughter]
I think it's great that she's
outside getting exercise.
|
| 00:04:48 | And it'd be too easy to make a
bunch of fat jokes and that's
why we're going to do it in this
week's video breakdown.
|
| 00:04:53 | [Applause]
>> alright.
|
| 00:05:00 | First, notice the camo shirt.
|
| 00:05:01 | She got that from an army
surplus store.
|
| 00:05:03 | It was used to provide shelter
for three platoons.
|
| 00:05:06 | [Laughter]
alright.
|
| 00:05:08 | Roll it.
|
| 00:05:11 | It starts off pretty horrible.
|
| 00:05:11 | I mean, if you need the help of
a pickup truck to get on a
horse, you should choose another
leisure time activity.
|
| 00:05:14 | [Laughter]
>> I can't.
|
| 00:05:19 | >> I can't?
|
| 00:05:20 | You mean you shouldn't.
|
| 00:05:21 | [Laughter]
>> come on, brenda.
|
| 00:05:23 | I can't.
|
| 00:05:24 | Who is going to revenge the
death of your brother?
|
| 00:05:31 | >> This is too much work.
|
| 00:05:32 | >> I'll tell you who this is too
much work for.
|
| 00:05:33 | The horse.
|
| 00:05:34 | You know that old expression,
"i'm so hungry I could eat a
"
I'm pretty sure that's what
spooked him.
|
| 00:05:38 | [Laughter]
[bleep]
>> you leave dennis out of this.
|
| 00:05:46 | He's letting you max-out the
payload on his tacoma.
|
| 00:05:48 | [Laughter]
>> alright.
|
| 00:05:57 | She gets one leg over!
|
| 00:05:57 | It's gonna happen.
|
| 00:06:00 | And if you listen carefully, you
can hear horse's spirit and
spine breaking.
|
| 00:06:03 | [Laughter]
>> oh, and she's off.
|
| 00:06:08 | Fun ride though.
|
| 00:06:10 | >> This is what rock bottom
looks like.
|
| 00:06:12 | [Laughter]
it's okay, brenda, you can still
ride the truck.
|
| 00:06:18 | And as for dennis who had the
foresight to stand far enough
back so that he could get all of
that cow-girl in frame and put
it on the internet.
|
| 00:06:24 | [Bleep] you, dennis.
|
| 00:06:25 | [Bleep] you so much.
|
| 00:06:27 | [Laughter]
[applause]
>> we'll be right back with the
tron guy's web redemption.
|
| 00:06:36 | But first, did you know that
some people look at the internet
while they're stoned?
|
| 00:06:39 | Yeah.
|
| 00:06:39 | I know.
|
| 00:06:39 | Appalling.
|
| 00:06:43 | Well at highdeas, these pot
heads can post their ramblings.
|
| 00:06:45 | Enjoy.
|
| 00:06:49 | >> There must be grams upon
grams of weed in my carpet.
|
| 00:06:53 | Someone needs to invent a weed
magnet.
|
| 00:06:57 | I must smoke my carpet weed.
|
| 00:07:01 | >> I'm going to buy a baby
gorilla and teach him human
ways.
|
| 00:07:09 | When it's big enough, I'm going
to buy a saddle
shouldn't
cake,
you should be jumping out of one.
|
| 00:07:31 | Hey, I got a new app for you. friend finder.
|
| 00:07:37 | ♪ ♪
|
| 00:07:40 | ♪ ♪
|
| 00:07:41 | ..
|
| 00:07:44 | You look good man!
|
| 00:07:46 | ♪ ♪
|
| 00:07:51 | [ telephone rings ]
[ Ashley ] HI SOBE FANS.I'M ASHLEY GREENE.
|
| 00:07:54 | Zero calories, zero inhibitions.
|
| 00:08:13 | xJxJ ?
|
| 00:09:01 | ♪
|
| 00:09:04 | ♪ ♪
|
| 00:09:08 | ♪ ♪
|
| 00:09:12 | ♪ ♪
|
| 00:09:15 | ♪ ♪
|
| 00:09:18 | ♪ ♪
|
| 00:09:21 | [ Ashley ] HI SOBE FANS,I'M ASHLEY GREENE.
|
| 00:09:24 | Zero calories, zero inhibitions.
|
| 00:10:33 | >> I came up with a concept for
this tron guy costume by going
to a science fiction convention.
|
| 00:10:48 | >> Ah.
|
| 00:10:48 | You don't need a time machine to
know that guy got tons of ass in
high school.
|
| 00:10:50 | Tron is a movie from the 80s
where a dude gets sucked into a
computer.
|
| 00:10:55 | To be honest, I couldn't even
make it through the trailer, so
I'm not entirely sure how
accurately this guy has
embarrassed himself, but I'm
guessing he did a good job.
|
| 00:11:05 | There are worse movie themes
tron guy could have chosen.
|
| 00:11:06 | He could have been:
Jennifer's body guide.
|
| 00:11:12 | >> By the way, diablo cody -- if
that is your real stage name --
you keep writing turds like
this, and you're going to have
to return that oscar and hop
back on that pole for those two
for ones.
|
| 00:11:18 | [Laughter]
but I digress.
|
| 00:11:21 | What really amazes me is how
famous tron guy has become.
|
| 00:11:24 | Since when did making a tron
costume or carrying a light
saber, turn you into a
celebrity?
|
| 00:11:28 | I've always looked up to people
who could slay - not dragons.
|
| 00:11:35 | But in their defense, playing
magic the gathering is no
different than playing fantasy
football or watching porn.
|
| 00:11:39 | It's all just a way to escape
reality.
|
| 00:11:44 | Tron guy doesn't care what you
think.
|
| 00:11:45 | He just genuinely loves tron,
and I respect that.
|
| 00:11:47 | I used to be deep into the club
scene, so I know how it feels to
dress like a douche bag.
|
| 00:11:52 | [Laughter]
[applause]
that's why I decided to beam
jay, aka tron guy, to hollywood
in this week's web redemption.
|
| 00:12:07 | [Applause]
>> hello.
|
| 00:12:16 | Has the tron party of two shown
up?
|
| 00:12:23 | >> Tell me why you love the
movie tron.
|
| 00:12:25 | >> Tron really caught my
imagination.
|
| 00:12:29 | But I never had any outlet.
|
| 00:12:37 | A science fiction about
computers and movie would be
great inspiration.
|
| 00:12:40 | >> Looks like spandex and hockey
equipment.
|
| 00:12:45 | >> A great description.
|
| 00:12:47 | This color of paint I picked
because I thought it closely
matches the color.
|
| 00:12:52 | These are football shoulder
guards.
|
| 00:12:54 | This is wire that is threaded
through holes.
|
| 00:12:56 | The helmet, it's a hockey
helmet.
|
| 00:12:59 | This is the same hockey helmet
that is used in the movie.
|
| 00:13:03 | >> Do you read what people
write?
|
| 00:13:04 | >> I do.
|
| 00:13:05 | But I decided that in the end, i
was going to have fun my way.
|
| 00:13:11 | If they didn't like it, it was
their problem.
|
| 00:13:12 | >> Who is laughing now?
|
| 00:13:13 | >> Exactly.
|
| 00:13:14 | I'm talking to a guy here on
comedy central.
|
| 00:13:17 | >> A guy.
|
| 00:13:18 | Are you ready to begin our train
something.
|
| 00:13:21 | >> Let's do it.
|
| 00:13:22 | >> Let's play frisbee.
|
| 00:13:24 | >> It's an identity disc.
|
| 00:13:27 | >> Does tron have any --
>> heads-up.
|
| 00:13:29 | >> That was lousy, wasn't it?
|
| 00:13:35 | >> Good catch!
|
| 00:13:36 | Ah!
|
| 00:13:36 | >> Boy, that was useless.
|
| 00:13:38 | >> Enough of the identity disc.
|
| 00:13:39 | Let's work on your cardio.
|
| 00:13:40 | Have you ever been on a tron
cycle?
|
| 00:13:42 | >> Nope.
|
| 00:13:43 | >> Are they fast?
|
| 00:13:44 | >> I'm not sure that fast holds
any meaning in that universe.
|
| 00:13:49 | >> Ah.
|
| 00:13:50 | >> When you start thinking about
what goes on inside a computer
and turning it into something
that a human sucked into a
machine could understand, you
have to answer with bytes.
|
| 00:14:05 | [Laughter]
>> left, right, right.
|
| 00:14:12 | >> Our idea for the web
redemption since you have the
suit was to get you in the tron
world.
|
| 00:14:17 | >> How does that sound to you?
|
| 00:14:18 | >> Fantastic.
|
| 00:14:19 | Hope you're up for the battle.
|
| 00:14:21 | >> I think I am.
|
| 00:14:22 | >> You look wonderful.
|
| 00:14:24 | You're in top physical
condition.
|
| 00:14:26 | The world wants to know, are you
ready to give it another shot?
|
| 00:14:30 | >> Let's do it.
|
| 00:14:31 | >> Good luck.
|
| 00:14:33 | May the force be with you.
|
| 00:14:36 | >> Umm!
|
| 00:14:37 | >> Oh, my goodness, it worked!
|
| 00:14:42 | Enjoy the ride, tron guy!
|
| 00:14:42 | [Laughter]
>> I'll see him on the other
side.
|
| 00:14:46 | [Laughter]
>> now that I've entered the
machine, my powers have never
been stronger.
|
| 00:14:57 | >> Not so fast, tron guy.
|
| 00:14:58 | One more step and the girl gets
it.
|
| 00:15:00 | >> Save me, tron guy.
|
| 00:15:01 | Save me!
|
| 00:15:03 | >> Let her go!
|
| 00:15:04 | >> First you'll have to catch
me.
|
| 00:15:31 | >> Stay back!
|
| 00:15:36 | Or the girl will be de-red.
|
| 00:15:38 | >> That's what you think.
|
| 00:15:40 | >> By my power --
>> no!
|
| 00:15:48 | >> I love you, tron guy.
|
| 00:15:50 | [Applause]
>> ah.
|
| 00:16:00 | You will be missed tron guy.
|
| 00:16:02 | We'll be back with fred, but
0
unsponsored prank of the week.
|
| 00:16:14 | >> Ahh!
|
| 00:18:32 | >> And now, inappropriate time
to be macho man randy savage
impression.
|
| 00:18:38 | randpa in a nursing
home.
|
| 00:18:41 | >> I don't understand!
|
| 00:18:48 | >> You're going to a home, old
man!
|
| 00:18:51 | Oh, yeah!
|
| 00:18:54 | >> Then a suicide attempt.
|
| 00:18:55 | >> I'm going to jump!
|
| 00:19:00 | >> Oh, the only way you're going
off this roof is if I throw you.
|
| 00:19:04 | Oh, yes!
|
| 00:19:07 | >> Mowing the lawn.
|
| 00:19:11 | >> It looks like you missed a
spot over there.
|
| 00:19:13 | Oh, yes.
|
| 00:19:15 | >> And putting the baby to bed.
|
| 00:19:18 | >> Oh, it's time to go to sleep,
little girl.
|
| 00:19:20 | Oh, yeah.
|
| 00:19:22 | Lights out!
|
| 00:19:26 | >> And your randy savage macho
impressions.
|
| 00:19:30 | Oh, yeah.
|
| 00:19:32 | >> Oh, yeah!
|
| 00:19:35 | If you think you have a more
inappropriate place to do a
macho man randy savage
impression, film it and send it
to us at
comedycentral.com/tosh.0.
|
| 00:19:43 | Alright.
|
| 00:19:46 | Have you ever heard of fred?
|
| 00:19:48 | Me neither.
|
| 00:19:50 | He's the most subscribed to
person on youtube.
|
| 00:19:52 | He's gotten over 300 million
hits.
|
| 00:19:54 | He has a clothing line at hot
topic, not to mention he as a
movie deal.
|
| 00:19:59 | So let's take a look at what
..
|
| 00:20:01 | >> If you're wondering why I'm
talking extraordinary right now,
it's because I haven't taken my
pill.
|
| 00:20:07 | >> Well, that will never get
old.
|
| 00:20:09 | [Laughter]
since I obviously don't get it,
I invited fred for a live web
chat to explain why I shouldn't
hate him.
|
| 00:20:16 | Please welcome the youtube
phenomenon, fred.
|
| 00:20:18 | [Applause]
>> fred, you're probably pretty
exciteded to be on my show.
|
| 00:20:23 | >> I have never heard of you.
|
| 00:20:25 | >> I'm excited to meet you,
fred.
|
| 00:20:27 | >> You're talking to lucas.
|
| 00:20:29 | Fred is a character.
|
| 00:20:30 | Not real.
|
| 00:20:31 | >> Huh.
|
| 00:20:33 | Well, I asked me twitter
followers if they have in
questions.
|
| 00:20:37 | Traver 31 wanted to know if you
could hold your head under water
for 35 minutes.
|
| 00:20:42 | [Laughter]
>> can you answer that?
|
| 00:20:46 | >> No, I can't.
|
| 00:20:49 | I can't hold my breath for 45
minutes.
|
| 00:20:52 | >> You should try.
|
| 00:20:53 | [Laughter]
will your movie be the end of
this fred thing?
|
| 00:20:57 | >> Yeah.
|
| 00:20:59 | I actually -- yeah, the fred
movie will be like one of the
last fred things.
|
| 00:21:03 | I want be doing it too much
longer.
|
| 00:21:05 | >> Ooh.
|
| 00:21:07 | Thanks for coming on, fred.
|
| 00:21:08 | I appreciate it.
|
| 00:21:11 | >> Thanks for having me.
|
| 00:21:14 | [Laughter]
>> who would've guessed he'd
have a shitty internet
connection?
|
| 00:21:20 | Well, I still don't understand
why he's so popular.
|
| 00:21:23 | Maybe I need to check in with
fred's number one fan, jake, who
is a 10-year-old boy.
|
| 00:21:28 | Jake, thanks for being on the
show.
|
| 00:21:30 | >> Pleasure to be here, daniel.
|
| 00:21:31 | >> Why is fred funny?
|
| 00:21:33 | >> Why is he funny?
|
| 00:21:34 | Because he talks like yeah,
yeah, yeah.
|
| 00:21:38 | He makes weird faces.
|
| 00:21:39 | He has really good jokes.
|
| 00:21:43 | >> Okay.
|
| 00:21:44 | Stay off the jesus juice.
|
| 00:21:45 | [Laughter]
>> remember to keep our secret.
|
| 00:21:49 | [Laughter]
[applause]
>> I can only hope that jake is
passionate about fred.
|
| 00:22:03 | [Laughter]
hang in there.
|
| 00:22:06 | It gets worse.
|
| 00:22:07 | [Laughter]
maybe if I slow fred down I can
hear what he's really saying.
|
| 00:22:13 | >> Obama is a muslim.
|
| 00:22:14 | [Laughter]
show me a birth certificate.
|
| 00:22:18 | >> Now I get it.
|
| 00:22:20 | Not only is fred a comedy
genius, but he's also an extreme
conservative.
|
| 00:22:24 | [Laughter]
>> did you have asparagus,
oprah?
|
| 00:22:34 | That is rancid.
|
| 00:22:36 | As fred has shown us, anybody
can become famous on the
internet.
|
| 00:22:39 | All you have to do is go to our
website and upload your clip for
a chance to be our viewer video
of the week.
|
| 00:22:44 | This week's winner is
frontpagefilms.com.
|
| 00:22:49 | >> All right.
|
| 00:22:50 | So if you don't mind, I'm going
to gradually weave your
diagnosis into a normal every
day conversation.
|
| 00:22:55 | >> Sounds like something we can
do.
|
| 00:22:56 | >> Sure.
|
| 00:22:57 | How are you?
|
| 00:22:59 | >> Fine.
|
| 00:23:00 | >> That's weird.
|
| 00:23:01 | Because you have leukemia.
|
| 00:23:01 | [Laughter]
>> whoo-hoo!
|
| 00:23:09 | [Applause]
>> thanks, guys!
|
| 00:23:13 | We'll be right back with more
reno 911!
|
| 00:23:15 | Too soon.
|
| 00:24:10 | [ sighs ]
I can't throw this out.
|
| 00:24:12 | [ elevator bell dings ]
♪♪ ♪♪
|
| 00:24:19 | [ women screaming ]
♪♪ ♪♪
|
| 00:24:23 | help! help!
|
| 00:24:25 | ♪♪ ♪♪
|
| 00:24:30 | ♪♪ ♪♪
|
| 00:26:55 | >> welcome back.
|
| 00:26:57 | How were the commercials?
|
| 00:27:01 | [Laughter]
I think that's funny.
|
| 00:27:03 | It's been a great summer for
celebrity death pools.
|
| 00:27:05 | I went 16-0.
|
| 00:27:06 | Yeah.
|
| 00:27:07 | It's too easy.
|
| 00:27:09 | 0 created
the first celebrity suicide
pool.
|
| 00:27:13 | [Laughter]
go to our website to give us
your picks.
|
| 00:27:15 | A few rules.
|
| 00:27:16 | Accidental overdoses do count.
|
| 00:27:19 | [Laughter]
he took a fistful of pills.
|
| 00:27:25 | He knew how that nap would end.
|
| 00:27:26 | [Laughter]
but reality stars do not count
as celebrities.
|
| 00:27:33 | They don't count, so don't pick
'em.
|
| 00:27:35 | [Laughter]
and while I hope no one wins, if
anyone knows mishca barton --
could you please remind her that
she has nothing to live for
because I could really use that
$50.
|
| 00:27:46 | [Laughter]
and if she does kill herself,
don't worry.
|
| 00:27:49 | I will use that $50 for a
charity.
|
| 00:27:54 | [Laughter]
thank you so much for watching.
|
| 00:27:56 | Make sure you watch next week
when I head to adultcon to teach
porn stars a thing or two about
fetishes.
|
| 00:28:01 | And we also give the backyard
wrestler a web redemption.
|
| 00:28:11 | >> My guys!
|
| 00:28:11 | Don't worry, wrestling's fake.
|
| 00:28:14 | [Laughter]
and don't forget to go to our
0
to submit your inappropriate
"macho man" randy savage
impressions.
|
| 00:28:22 | Also, follow me on twitter and
check my tour dates so I can
offended you in person.
|
| 00:28:25 | Last episode I asked you to
guess what castro and I were
looking at.
|
| 00:28:30 | Out of the 1,700 who submitted
an answer, over 350 of you
guessed I was looking at a
penis.
|
| 00:28:35 | [Laughter]
|
| 00:00:00 | ]
>> oh!
|
| 00:00:12 | [Audience clapping]
>> yes.
|
| 00:00:14 | Ah, what's more annoying.
|
| 00:00:15 | Monkeys having sex on your car,
or listening to your wife and
her friends cackle in your ear.
|
| 00:00:17 | Two pump chimp.
|
| 00:00:22 | Do you need more proof that
we've descended from monkeys?
|
| 00:00:25 | After he finishes, he
immediately takes a nap.
|
| 00:00:30 | Talk about your rough rider
he's hitting it bear-back.
|
| 00:00:32 | That's risky.
|
| 00:00:35 | I don't mean to stereotype, but
she looks like she has aids.
|
| 00:00:40 | She does!
|
| 00:00:45 | That ass was infected.
|
| 00:00:45 | >> Alright.
|
| 00:00:46 | Here's a question we've all
asked ourselves.
|
| 00:00:49 | How many unemployment checks
does it take to make your car do
this?
|
| 00:01:01 | [Laughing]
yeah!
|
| 00:01:03 | Get it!
|
| 00:01:03 | Yeah!
|
| 00:01:04 | Oh man, even their cars jump
higher.
|
| 00:01:09 | I think that transformer's
retarded.
|
| 00:01:12 | Rebuilding your car is so much
more fun than rebuilding your
community.
|
| 00:01:20 | Believe it or not, there is a
practical reason to install
hydraulics
>> monkey do not have sex on my
car.
|
| 00:01:29 | >> Today was a good day.
|
| 00:01:37 | I'll bet you didn't know that i
was half cholo .
|
| 00:01:39 | Elbows out.
|
| 00:01:44 | >> If you give the teacher in
this next video an apple,
chances are, he'll make a bong
out of it.
|
| 00:01:52 | >> Bmmm.
|
| 00:01:55 | >> Boston is a great city.
|
| 00:01:56 | I love to go to old churches.
|
| 00:02:01 | God, I'm having major memory
losses today.
|
| 00:02:05 | Grab this one.
|
| 00:02:11 | Okay.
|
| 00:02:12 | I bet that's where dre got his
doctorate.
|
| 00:02:16 | >> The clip is funny if you're
stoned and even funnier if your
parents pay for college.
|
| 00:02:21 | Actually, this is one of the
harder classes at arizona state.
|
| 00:02:24 | There's two rules to his class:
1) Be on time, and
2) be cool, bro.
|
| 00:02:26 | Be cool.
|
| 00:02:28 | >> I actually audited that
class.
|
| 00:02:50 | >> Hey.
|
| 00:02:53 | I love to go to old churches.
|
| 00:02:56 | Weird.
|
| 00:03:00 | You ready for curse words?
|
| 00:03:02 | >> Yes!
|
| 00:03:05 | Remember kids, weed is against
the law, but getting piss-drunk
and walking into a 7-11 is
completely legal.
|
| 00:03:15 | >> Ah.
|
| 00:03:15 | Have you seen this?
|
| 00:03:16 | Ah.
|
| 00:03:19 | It's so funny when david
hasselhoff gets drunk because we
all know no one's at risk
because kitt can drive himself.
|
| 00:03:29 | Alright, let's put 20 seconds on
the clock and see how many funny
comments we can post.
|
| 00:03:34 | Obviously, he has a history of
bad decisions starting with his
ponytail.
|
| 00:03:40 | A couple appletinis does the
exact same thing to me.
|
| 00:03:46 | He's not that drunk.
|
| 00:03:47 | He just walked right past those
gas station hot dogs.
|
| 00:03:49 | Looks like he's getting his ass
kicked by a ghost patrick
swayze no, no but patrick
"
maybe he got a flu shot and his
body's reacting badly to it.
|
| 00:04:05 | >> Have you seen that video?
|
| 00:04:05 | Go to youtube.
|
| 00:04:06 | Check it out.
|
| 00:04:07 | Dystonia?
|
| 00:04:07 | Ah.
|
| 00:04:08 | Hot chick?
|
| 00:04:09 | Thanks.
|
| 00:04:10 | >> Guess who's never getting a
flu shot again?
|
| 00:04:13 | Me or anyone I date.
|
| 00:04:14 | >> Walk backwards.
|
| 00:04:19 | I'm sorry hold on.
|
| 00:04:21 | 0 for
some breaking news from canada.
|
| 00:04:22 | Let's go live.
|
| 00:04:25 | >> So I've got my trustee
stopwatch and here they come
down the hill.
|
| 00:04:31 | It looks like ruben is in the
lead, and here comes --
>> ah, I'd watch nascar if the
announcers would call it from
the track.
|
| 00:04:39 | Let's learn how a sled almost
turned this dan rather wannabe
into a snow angel in this week's
breakdown.
|
| 00:04:52 | Poor rob leth -- just a young
canadian reporter wearing a
giant goose down parka.
|
| 00:04:54 | There's no shortage of dangerous
assignments he could get -- the
war in afghanistan, the drug
cartels in mexico, figuring out
what that crap is on seal's
face.
|
| 00:05:04 | But instead, he does a puff
piece about an inner tube race.
|
| 00:05:08 | Why?
|
| 00:05:08 | Because the public has a right
to know.
|
| 00:05:15 | >> So I've got my trustee
stopwatch, and here he comes
down the hill.
|
| 00:05:21 | Starts out like any other news
day in canada -- slow.
|
| 00:05:23 | I just wanna know how rob's
gonna use his trusty stopwatch
with mittens on.
|
| 00:05:27 | >> It looks like reuben is in
the lead.
|
| 00:05:33 | Reuben is closing in quick!
|
| 00:05:34 | Move, bitch, get out the way,
get out the way, bitch, get out
the way!
|
| 00:05:38 | >> This is just like that fake
kobe bryant commercial.
|
| 00:05:50 | Man.
|
| 00:05:51 | Aye, kobe, next time try it over
.. that's pulling an rv
that's connected to a wood
chipper.
|
| 00:05:58 | >> Alright.
|
| 00:05:58 | Back to the video.
|
| 00:05:59 | Oh he drops the stopwatch.
|
| 00:06:01 | Oh no, now where never going to
find out if rueben has the
course record.
|
| 00:06:05 | But he did pull off the backside
rodeo flip!
|
| 00:06:07 | Good thing they have free health
care in canada.
|
| 00:06:09 | Show it again.
|
| 00:06:14 | At least the flip put rob's hood
on his head for him.
|
| 00:06:16 | That's probably his dead mother
saying, "bundle up, son.
|
| 00:06:18 | I still love you.
|
| 00:06:23 | Those were butterfly kisses.".
|
| 00:06:26 | Alright, one more time, just in
case rob is watching from his
wheelchair.
|
| 00:06:36 | Consider yourself lucky.
|
| 00:06:36 | Anderson cooper's been searching
his whole career for a story
where he gets nailed by a young
man .
|
| 00:06:39 | Was that below the waist?
|
| 00:06:45 | >> That was a bad idea.
|
| 00:06:47 | Wrong, that was a great idea!
|
| 00:06:49 | And like any true professional,
rob managed to fight through the
internal bleeding long enough to
sign off.
|
| 00:06:54 | And for that, we thank you.
|
| 00:06:57 | [Clapping and cheering].
|
| 00:07:02 | >> Coming up, we give the
trampled cheerleader a web
redemption, but first, here's
your urban dictionary word of
the day.
|
| 00:07:05 | >> Cosby sweater, the act of
eating boo berries
that
save
-
on motorcycle insurance, rv, camper, boat
insurance. nice work, everyone.
|
| 00:09:36 | he's a cute
little lizard.
|
| 00:09:40 | ah, gecko, actually -
with all due respect, if I was tiny
and green and had a british accent
I'd have more folks paying attention to me
..
|
| 00:09:47 | I mean - (faux english accent) "save money!
|
| 00:09:47 | "
exec 2: british? I thought you were australian.
|
| 00:09:52 | 'cause
actually, I'm from -
fifteen minutescould save you
fifteen percent or more on car insurance.
|
| 00:10:13 | >> It's not funny.
|
| 00:10:20 | She's gonna be out 4 to 6 weeks
with a broken spirit.
|
| 00:10:22 | Ready?
|
| 00:10:23 | Okay!
|
| 00:10:23 | >> Cheerleaders accounts for
over 60 percent of all female
high school sports injuries.
|
| 00:10:25 | True stat.
|
| 00:10:28 | It is also responsible for over
85 percent of all high school
pregnancies.
|
| 00:10:35 | Made up stat.
|
| 00:10:35 | I'm all for girls slutting it up
on the sidelines, but these days
there's only one lady I want to
see in a skimpy outfit on the
field.
|
| 00:10:42 | Da da da.
|
| 00:10:43 | Da da da.
|
| 00:10:48 | The truth is, cheerleading is
pretty much only good for one
thing, and that's teaching girls
with small boobs how to make up
for it by being really flexible.
|
| 00:10:56 | Do we need cheerleaders?
|
| 00:10:56 | Is anyone confused about the
appropriate time to cheer?
|
| 00:11:00 | I know who to root for, that's
why I teased the line down to 3
and put a grand on indy to
cover.
|
| 00:11:05 | And stop yelling at the players
to, "be aggressive, be be
"
I'm pretty sure the coach passed
along that little strategic
nugget back in the locker room.
|
| 00:11:15 | You're there to look hot during
timeouts.
|
| 00:11:17 | Unless you're a base.
|
| 00:11:18 | Then you need to be thick enough
to hold up the hot cheerleaders
so we can see them better and
pretend you're not there.
|
| 00:11:27 | Sure, cheerleaders can be
annoying, but no one deserves to
get trampled by a football team,
..
|
| 00:11:36 | Ah, there's only one october,
and thanks to your incessant
promos, mine was ruined.
|
| 00:11:40 | >> But calli the cheerleader
doesn't have an unwatchable talk
show that feels like a street
party in a bad neighborhood.
|
| 00:11:47 | So we invited her to join the
0 squad for another chance
to, "work it, hey hey, yeah work
it" in this week's web
redemption.
|
| 00:11:57 | [Clapping and cheering]
>> alli, run through.
|
| 00:12:05 | >> Ahhh!
|
| 00:12:08 | Tell me about the infamous
night.
|
| 00:12:10 | >> It was homecoming night and
our cheer team was holding up
the banners for the run through.
|
| 00:12:16 | There wasn't any holes like
there were signs so you run
through it it's easier to break.
|
| 00:12:22 | >> So it was not.
|
| 00:12:24 | >> So you were perforating at
the last minute.
|
| 00:12:26 | >> Yes.
|
| 00:12:27 | >> It seems like an awful idea.
|
| 00:12:29 | Do you know that football
players can't see through
objects.
|
| 00:12:34 | >> Yeah.
|
| 00:12:35 | >> So they had no clue you were
there.
|
| 00:12:36 | >> They weren't supposed to come
out.
|
| 00:12:42 | >> Typical high school students.
|
| 00:12:45 | >> Did you have sex?
|
| 00:12:47 | >> I'm not going to answer that
>> I did not have sex.
|
| 00:12:51 | >> You didn't?
|
| 00:12:51 | >> Because I signed a sex
promising my community I would
not have sex but I had my lawyer
put a revision in the contract
that I could [bleep [someone.
|
| 00:13:11 | >> We were the black someone.
|
| 00:13:16 | >> We were the black ] someone.
|
| 00:13:18 | >> We were the black school.
|
| 00:13:23 | >> What did cheerleading teach
you about life?
|
| 00:13:27 | >> Nothing.
|
| 00:13:27 | >> Let me finish painting this
awful thing, and we'll get you
out on the field and get you
properly trained to relive that
magical moment.
|
| 00:13:39 | [Whistle-blowing].
|
| 00:13:43 | >> You've got to work on your
ability to dodge people.
|
| 00:13:47 | >> They're coming at you.
|
| 00:13:50 | >> Come on, calli.
|
| 00:13:54 | >> Come on.
|
| 00:13:55 | >> Let's go, calli.
|
| 00:14:08 | >> Really?
|
| 00:14:08 | >> Visualize yourself not get
trampled.
|
| 00:14:15 | >> Did you do this?
|
| 00:14:15 | >> Probably.
|
| 00:14:16 | >> What's the five second rule
on that.
|
| 00:14:19 | >> Let's go.
|
| 00:14:20 | Let's get change.
|
| 00:14:21 | A little hustle out of you.
|
| 00:14:23 | >> That's why you got trampled
in the first place.
|
| 00:14:28 | >> The world wants to know are
you ready to give it another
shot.
|
| 00:14:32 | >> I'm ready.
|
| 00:14:35 | >> Ready.
|
| 00:14:37 | >> All right.
|
| 00:14:38 | >> Oh, wait.
|
| 00:15:02 | [Spn
it didn't even feel close, did
it?
|
| 00:15:22 | >> By the way, we lost that
game.
|
| 00:15:23 | But it wasn't because of our
it might have been
because we only had enough money
to dress six players.
|
| 00:15:26 | But that didn't stop us from
celebrating.
|
| 00:15:32 | [Laughing and g
groaning]aning]
>> clapping and cheering]
>> we'll be right back, but
first here's your prank of the
week, which I'm told, now has a
new sponsor.
|
| 00:15:57 | This show is a cash cow
executives at comedy central
that are still on the fence
about picking us up for a season
two.
|
| 00:16:05 | >> Now it's time for the prank
of the week.
|
| 00:16:14 | [Laughing]
>> and that was the prank of the
week brought to you by
[laughing]
>> say what you will, but those
guys know how to have a good
time.
|
| 00:20:02 | They love recreational
activities.
|
| 00:20:04 | Maybe that's why they wanted to
clear out poland -- so they
could have more room to play
frisbee.
|
| 00:20:12 | >> Alright, and now it's time,
"
that's where we take a video
from the internet and tell you
if what happens in it is real
>> or fake.
|
| 00:20:25 | >> That's right you dip [bleep].
|
| 00:20:27 | It's not rocket science.
|
| 00:20:30 | Let's look at today's contender
this isn't real -- we all know
women don't poo.
|
| 00:20:50 | But I have a longer version that
will provide everyone with all
the answers.
|
| 00:21:06 | >> Oh my goodness.
|
| 00:21:08 | That's hot.
|
| 00:21:08 | >> Hot?
|
| 00:21:09 | >> Good one.
|
| 00:21:11 | >> O'brien, get in here.
|
| 00:21:13 | It's fake.
|
| 00:21:14 | It's not real.
|
| 00:21:18 | >> It's real hot.
|
| 00:21:20 | Oh man.
|
| 00:21:26 | >> Stop.
|
| 00:21:30 | Oh, oh!
|
| 00:21:33 | >> All right.
|
| 00:21:38 | Was that the lead singer of
radiohead?
|
| 00:21:40 | Thom yorke, who kinda looks like
him.
|
| 00:21:45 | >> If you were blown away by
those special effects from the
bit, you'll be happy to know we
stole the graphic designer from
james cameron's "avatar" money
well spent.
|
| 00:21:55 | >> If you have a funny video go
o
and upload it for your chance
to be the viewer video of the
week.
|
| 00:22:01 | This week's winner is dutch west
on atom.com.
|
| 00:22:08 | >> What seems to be the problem
>> I throw up when I go into
detail about anything.
|
| 00:22:13 | >> When did this began.
|
| 00:22:15 | >> I guess it probably started.
|
| 00:22:21 | >> Thanks, guys.
|
| 00:22:21 | We'll be right back with more
"
[ sighs ]
I can't throw this out.
|
| 00:23:02 | [ elevator bell dings ]
♪♪ ♪♪
|
| 00:23:09 | [ women screaming ]
♪♪ ♪♪
|
| 00:23:13 | help! help!
|
| 00:23:15 | ♪♪ ♪♪
|
| 00:23:20 | ♪♪ ♪♪
|
| 00:24:30 | >> welcome back.
|
| 00:24:30 | Do you have your pajamas on?
|
| 00:24:31 | I do!
|
| 00:24:36 | Since I'm in showbiz, and I know
virtually every celebrity --
bill allen, yeah, he's in my
cell phone -- I asked you to
send me twitter questions about
famous people, and now I'm going
to answer them.
|
| 00:24:46 | Hopefully when twitter is dead
in a month or two, we won't have
to do this segment any more.
|
| 00:24:53 | Alright, this question I got a
lot of variations of.
|
| 00:24:57 | Does lady gaga actually have a
discostick (ie: penis)?
|
| 00:25:01 | I actually asked her, but i
couldn't tell if she was lying
because she has a great
p-p-p-poker face,
>> alright, how does a not so
funny douche get his own show on
comedy central?
|
| 00:25:15 | Okay, that's not very nice.
|
| 00:25:16 | Demtri martin is a wonderful
person.
|
| 00:25:19 | I don't appreciate you implying
that.
|
| 00:25:26 | If you were locked up in a room
with bob saget and hitler and
you had a gun with one bullet,
who would you shoot?
|
| 00:25:30 | Okay, that is not easy.
|
| 00:25:32 | I would probably take hitler's
head and put it next to saget's,
pull the trigger, killing hitler
first.
|
| 00:25:37 | Hopefully the bullet has enough
speed to also kill bob saget, if
not kill him, at least alter his
personality greatly.
|
| 00:25:47 | >> Which baldwin brother could
you see yourself sleeping with?
|
| 00:25:49 | Hahaha.
|
| 00:25:51 | By sleeping, do you mean pound
town?
|
| 00:25:54 | Alec, is un-gettable, agreed.
|
| 00:25:56 | Stephen is a jesus freak.
|
| 00:25:57 | It's not gonna happen.
|
| 00:26:00 | Daniel, I'm no chubby chaser.
|
| 00:26:03 | That leaves us with billy, yes,
billy.
|
| 00:26:05 | You were so fantastic in
"
you and a bed is like watching a
cheetah, prey on something less
than a cheetah.
|
| 00:26:19 | Ah, my ad lib skills are sharp
tonight, boys.
|
| 00:26:21 | >> How does brendan fraser keep
getting work?
|
| 00:26:24 | Well, who has seen "encino man"
knows he gets a lifetime pass.
|
| 00:26:28 | That is the greatest movie ever.
|
| 00:26:29 | Oh, man.
|
| 00:26:30 | Holy cow.
|
| 00:26:32 | "Did you know they're running
"
>> would you touch pam
anderson's boobs if given the
opportunity?
|
| 00:26:41 | Pam is a sad, sad monster at
this stage of her life.
|
| 00:26:45 | That being said, I'd motor boat
the [bleep] out of them.
|
| 00:26:50 | Is ole anderson getting a
mention on this week's show?
|
| 00:26:55 | >> Oh, oh, oh.
|
| 00:26:56 | Is that you arn anderson.
|
| 00:26:57 | The four horsemen have fallen my
friend.
|
| 00:27:01 | >> Ah, am I still wearing this?
|
| 00:27:05 | It's so ugly!
|
| 00:27:07 | I know.
|
| 00:27:09 | I'm surprised it doesn't have
mittens attached .
|
| 00:27:16 | We need more money.
|
| 00:27:19 | Be sure to join us next week for
our season finale when we give
web redemptions to michael
richards and the star wars kid.
|
| 00:27:26 | Plus, brad pitt and david
beckham live on this stage.
|
| 00:27:33 | Lineup subject to change.
|
| 00:27:34 | >> Remember to follow me on
twitter so we can live chat
during the show.
|
| 00:27:36 | And make sure you check out my
tour schedule.
|
| 00:27:38 | Go to our website to see
extended interviews from our web
redemptions and follow our daily
blog.
|
| 00:27:44 | Thanks, everybody, for making
jeff dunham comedy central's #1
show.
|
| 00:27:47 | See you next week.
|
